tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58919834808207287002024-03-05T13:09:37.373-06:00Here am i Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.comBlogger793125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-56001024578585928602018-06-28T19:23:00.003-06:002018-07-25T13:27:52.114-06:00Baja Trip 2018 - pt.1 <br />
In February we packed up our new van, our family of 9 and headed south. It has been four years since our last Mexico trip. Our longest time away from Baja since we started going there as a family back in 2005.<br />
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I was more than a little apprehensive about our ability to wrangle 7 kids including a toddler, maneuver a child with cerebral palsy, and maintain any sort of marital peace but we were excited to go. I had already spent months planning details, booking lodging, and packing what we would need for multiple climates and locations.<br />
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We took 4 days to get to South California. That part of the trip is always grueling and we decided to make some time for visiting friends and playing along the way. We rented a beautiful little house in the Garden Grove CA and happened to hit a wonderful winter heat wave. We soaked up the sun like it was breathing life into our winter weary souls.<br />
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We spent a few days recovering, did some sightseeing and did one day at Disney Land which in my view was kind of a flop. I hope the kids made some fun memories because all I know is that it was exhausting, busy, and someone peed their pants on Pirates of the Carribean ride...which brought the day to an early end. It too closely resemebled an episode of "The Middle". It seems that maybe our 2 parents to 7 kids ratio tipped the scales this time. What we really did enjoy the most in California was a day spent at Seal Beach, which was totally free. Live and learn. We all just finally got to relax and let go of some pent up travel tension. Spending that much time in a vehicle and hotel hopping with this many people tends to build up stress levels. It was so warm that day, probably the warmest day of our whole trip.<br />
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Once we left our rental house in Garden Grove CA.we drove down the Baja and realized instantly just how deeply we had missed it. The longer we were away from Mexico the less we were drawn to making that long trip back, but our memories and affections for this people and place were ignited as we felt like we were arriving home.<br />
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We missed the Machado family and it was wonderful to spend some time with these long time friends. These are some of my favorite people on the planet. You can find Amber's blog <a href="http://becauseloveisalifestyle.com/">here</a>. </div>
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(Kayden and Silas have been buds since they were toddlers)</div>
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(These two first met as babies. These amigas were happy to spend time together)</div>
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This time we stayed at <a href="http://welcomehomeoutreach.org/">Welcome Home Outreach</a> and lived in one of their dorms. We had enough space to spread out and we each had our own bed (an improvement from motels). We also had our own bathroom, that we didn't have to go outside for, which I don't take for granted at all. It was very adequate. We really loved our stay with <a href="http://welcomehomeoutreach.org/">this ministry</a>. They were so very welcoming and open to us coming as a family. We aren't the usual demographic of a "mission trip" group and our capacity to be useful is somewhat hindered. We had a wonderful host named Michelle who coordinated work projects for us and gave us lots of freedom to visit some other ministries and old friends we had made over the years. She was great with our kids, as were all the staff. Everyone from youngest to oldest was included and made to feel useful and welcome. This is <b>very</b> unusual in our years of ministry experience. Children are too often viewed as a liability.<br />
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(the girls on one of our morning work projects. Painting a new section of wall)</div>
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We were able to eat breakfast and lunch every day in the cafeteria with the daycare kids. Our supper usually consisted of tacos bought in town. When we were in Baja 4 years ago we spent a lot of time at Welcome Home Outreach but we were living in our camping trailer several blocks away. It was much more enjoyable to just stay on site this time and any apprehension we had about having our kids there full time was soon eliminated. I certainly didn't miss staying in a cramped trailer.<br />
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You can visit the attached <a href="https://carlaburlando.blogspot.com/2014/04/welcome-home.html#.WyXV_mRKihc">link</a> to check out this ministry and the important work they do. I've also written about it in the past, you can find that post <a href="https://carlaburlando.blogspot.com/2014/04/welcome-home.html#.WyXV_mRKihc">here</a>. We basically just helped out whereever we could, did some projects, washed dishes, mopped floors and just had the privilege of witnessing what God is doing through this place and the staff. </div>
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These ladies are wonderful. They not only allowed kids into the kitchen but they so patiently gave these two a lesson in tortilla making. The girls loved it. </div>
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The daycare cook Cande is as sweet as her name. </div>
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This woman works hard all day making meals for a cafeteria full of kids. She always has a smile on her face. Her love for the Lord and these daycare kids is very evident. </div>
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My kids were all on dish duty after each meal. From youngest to oldest they all got to practice serving. They had great attitudes about their jobs and were eager to pitch in. </div>
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(Michelle introducing Annie to some of the daycare kids)</div>
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The Welcome Home daycare picks up kids early in the morning brings them here for breakfast and a day full of play, games and preschool education. The older ones are taken to Kindergarten in town for the morning and then brought back here for lunch. This ministry, and others like it, are so important in this area. There are so many single mother homes where the Moms work long hard days in the fields. The options for most are to either leave young children locked in the house alone or keep school aged siblings home to look after young siblings, which means they don't get an education. When day to day survival takes so much effort things like education get pushed to the side. Which is heartbreaking because it ensures a cycle of poverty continues to the next generation. A basic education, and literacy, here is worth so much as far as opportunity goes. It's a game changer. A daycare like this not only ensures the children have nutritious meals and a safe, stimulating place to spend their days but it's helping break cycles and preventing child abandonment into orphanages. The wonderful staff here also minister to the whole family, on a very personal level, in whatever way is needed. </div>
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Annie and her new amiga. They played together all week since Leyla lives here at Welcome Home. Her parents are the daycare directors. One girl speaks English and the other Spanish but somehow they made it work. </div>
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Our family above with Cande and our host Michelle. Michelle lives and works here at Welcome Home full time. She left her life as a teacher in California and moved down here to serve needy kids here in Baja. She works hard from morning until night doing whatever needs to be done. Anywhere there's hard physical and humble dirty work to be done she can be found there doing it. The rest of the teachers and staff are locals which I also really appreciate. This ministry also does house building for poor families. Our friend Jose is one of the builders. </div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">We were able to visit some other local ministries including a men's rehab "<a href="http://www.facebook.com/elsembradorac/">Casa de RestauraciĆ³n El Sembrador</a>" . Just the guys went this time and I stayed home with the little ones. It was an eye-opening experience for my boys. This rehab ministry has some amazing success stories (some we know personally, such as the formerly deported gang member turned pastor of a thriving and growing church) but it is underfunded and the accommodations are not very weather tight. The need for this type of ministry is so great but it's too often overlooked. "Fund better facilities for recovering drug addicts" isn't quite as appealing as "</span>come<span style="text-align: start;"> hug an orphan" when fundraising or planning mission trips. These guys are hard workers and are active in a local church. When the hearts and lives of men are transformed, all of society goes with it, yet men are so often undervalued when it comes to ministry focus. When men are equipped to be faithful husbands and nurturing fathers so many other societal problems and so much poverty is eliminated. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">(photos courtesy of FB page)</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">We were also excited to go and visit a new ministry that some old friends of ours began a few years ago. </span><a href="https://eternalanchor.org/" style="text-align: start;">Eternal Anchor </a><span style="text-align: start;">is a school for children with disabilities in the morning as well as an adult life skills school in the afternoons. I was SO impressed with this facility, its mandate and </span>it's<span style="text-align: start;"> methods. I can't even say enough good things about this place and how important their work is. They are not only providing therapies, equipment, life skills and education to kids who wouldn't otherwise have access to those things they are working with families and parents to help better equip them to care for their disabled children. They do a lot of middleman work with getting kids to surgeries and medical care. They also take kids to a therapy ranch to ride horses. As a mother of a child with cerebral palsy and intellectual disability, I know the importance of these sorts of life-changing interventions and opportunities. Even just learning how to do proper stretching of spastic limbs every day makes a big difference as a parent. If you have a heart for very underprivileged children with disabilities and also have a passion for abandonment prevention </span><a href="https://eternalanchor.org/" style="text-align: start;">this</a><span style="text-align: start;"> is an excellent, and trustworthy ministry to support.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">Another ministry we visited is one started by another old friend of ours who has a deep passion for helping women. This is a shelter for women and their children coming out of some of the darkest and most dangerous situations imaginable. They are in the process of building facilities on a new piece of land they acquired but they have minimal accommodations at this point. The women and their many children are still crammed into old donated camping trailers. The whole place is on a high hillside so it has required extensive dirt moving work. The view is stunning though. It's secluded just enough to give a sense of peace and serenity to women who so desperately need it. Another very </span>worth while<span style="text-align: start;"> cause that desperately needs funding. Every little bit helps. If you have a heart for vulnerable women and children trying to rebuild ther lives check out "</span><a href="http://www.newbeginningsbaja.org/" style="text-align: start;">New Beginnings</a><span style="text-align: start;">". You will be glad you did.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">Of </span>course<span style="text-align: start;"> while we were in our little town in Baja we spent some time with the kids that call us "Tio" and "Tia"...the kids who we will always consider family. It was so great to see them, as well as their mother Italia. They've all grown up so </span>much<span style="text-align: start;"> and a few new little ones have been added to the family in the last few years! Our dear Minerva (who we had met a decade ago while on staff at a local orphanage) now has 3 children, the newest born a month after we left this spring. She has the cutest little purple house that she keeps immaculate care of. It was built by a local charity last year and I'm so very happy for her. She is such a special young lady. One sad surprise was that some of the older kids were down in South Baja working in pea fields and wouldn't return until after we were scheduled to leave. We were very sad to miss each other. I have been in contact with Alvaro for a couple years now over FB messenger and we write back and forth fairly regularly. We were actually working for many months on bringing him up here for a few months last summer but matters of the heart and responsibility at home changed his mind. I'm so proud of his maturity, responsibility, and commitment to be a good husband and father. He is the hardest working young man I've ever met. We met when he was just a little boy at an orphanage. His gentle nature and </span>sweet<span style="text-align: start;"> smile stole my heart all those years ago. We also missed seeing Carmela and Ramiro. I miss them so very much. They have grown from small children into mature looking teens. They all do field work now to provide for the family. I wish we lived closer but we continue to love them and pray for them from a distance. Now that all of the older ones have Facebook it's easier to keep in touch.</span></div>
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(Minerva with younger sibling and her daughter)</div>
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Louisa, her niece Luz and two little sisters Carla and Gabriella. Luz (holding the pony) was just a newborn last time we were down so it was so fun to get to know her this trip. She has such a fun little personality. Carla and Gabriella remember us visting 4 yrs ago (they are older than their size suggests). I love these girls and I hope another 4 yrs doesn't go by before we can visit again. </div>
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Walking from Italia's house to Minervas new home across many empty lots being sold for homes. The actual price of the lots would shock you. Its a wonder anyone can afford a plot. Not that long ago this was a field. You can see one of the former campos in the distance where migrant workers were housed until they were shut down. They were pretty horrible places to live. Now most of the indigenous field workers have their own homes and are less transient. I lot has changed in this valley since I first came here 20 yrs ago. </div>
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Spunky Gabriella is around the same age as our Cece (8) although closer in size to Annie (4)</div>
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(Minerva's adorable new house. I'm so happy for her)</div>
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(Italia, the matriarch of the family, making tortillas. I was relieved to see how well they all are doing.)</div>
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(Out for a stroll with Italia carrying her youngest child, Minerva with her two and my oldest Aili) </div>
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(Italia watering Minerva's little garden)</div>
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It was so hard to leave the little town we have grown to love after only 10 days. Usually, we settle in and stay in one place for at least a month but we had to keep moving this time. This family trip was special in that it will likely be Aili's final road trip with the family (she'll be graduating next year). Her first trip to Baja was back in 2005 when she was only 4 yrs old. We lived at an orphanage in our camping trailer for 6 months. We returned many times after that, once again for 6 months, and the rest for 1 or 2 months at a time. She has a strong sentimental connection to Mexican culture, food, and a particular little town in Baja. I'm glad we were able to go down for the first, and probably last time, as a family of nine. From now on she'll be off on her own adventures. Maybe she'll let me tag along on occasion.<br />
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(Icecream at the park. A tradition since 2005. This little town really feels like a second home.)</div>
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(How we eat out while in Mexico. Taco stands)</div>
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(to be continued) </div>
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-54792320757779789162018-05-14T13:39:00.000-06:002018-07-25T13:32:20.141-06:00Best Interest of the Child I have recently been pondering some things as I chat with foster Mama friends and hear out their often repeated frustrations. Bear with me as I try to make sense out of these rattling thoughts.<br />
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"Best interest of the child" is a statement that gets tossed around child welfare circles a lot. Whether it is actually considered or not is debatable in any given situation. Words and actions are two entirely different things.<br />
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I have recently realized that I dislike this statement quite a lot. This is odd to acknowledge because everything in me cries out for justice and well being for these vulnerable little ones. I live and breath "best interest of the child" in my home on a daily basis. I have dedicated years of my life to this cause.<br />
The problem with this stated policy is that it's entirely subjective. I've noticed over the years that everyone and their dog has a different idea of what this is. "Best interest" is filtered through various political agendas, worldviews/ideologies, social engineering ideas, individual professional aspirations, public relations (whats socially trendy) and is very hard to peg down. "Best interest of the child" is plastered on policies that swing wildly between harmful extremes always cloaked in a sort of high browed idealism that ignores so much reality on the ground.<br />
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While everyone agrees that the best interest of the child should be paramount when making decisions affecting children, no one seems to be able to agree on what that is.<br />
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Maybe we need to possess better, more specific, language to nail down some priorities within our child welfare and foster systems.<br />
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We foster parented for 10 yrs and in that time I saw and experienced a lot. Although not as much as some. Each fostering journey is unique and comes with its own stories and heartaches. One thing all foster parents have in common is their compulsion to silence. The very real threat of children you love being taken from your home, or the doors of your home being shut for saying the wrong thing or crossing the wrong people is enough for us to keep our heads down.<br />
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Sure there are some fostering blogs out there but they weren't common a few years ago and even now they are fairly rare. They are often anonymous and usually very careful. Where foster parent voices and perspectives aren't usually found is in social services offices planning policy, case plan meetings, or being amplified with media attention. With hushed voices we share our burdens behind closed doors with selectively few people.<br />
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Foster parents are on the front lines, along with caseworkers, but they have the vantage point of being parents. They parent. That's what they do. They aren't babysitters. They are caregivers who parent children, some for short amounts of time and some for a lifetime. Foster parents are waking for midnight feedings, bandaging skinned knees, calming nightmares, comforting grieving and traumatized children, combing (and delousing) hair, going to school plays and taking children to their dance lessons. They take children to visitation and then come home to put into practice all they know about therapeutic parenting to try to calm the rage ignited in a devastated and confused child. They love, nurture, tend and train the children in their home.<br />
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They know stuff. They may be left in the dark about many things surrounding the history and case plan, but they know these kids. They may have known the child in their care since birth as was the case with most of my foster babes. They likely know the kids better than anyone else involved with the case.<br />
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Here's what "best interest of a child" means to a foster parent.<br />
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<b>* In any given situation what will cause the LEAST amount of trauma to this child *</b><br />
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That's pretty much it. That's what we care about the most. Most foster parents have become well versed in issues of trauma, attachment and the basics of child psychology. We have to be to be any good at what we do. A huge frustration is that too often the people sitting in offices, the managers, supervisors, and directors seem to be light years behind in that area.<br />
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"They won't remember it anyway"<br />
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"A child gets used to being moved"<br />
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Statements like these make me rage internally. Often people directing priorities and policy don't see the damage that ill-conceived ideas and bad decisions create. They aren't the ones parenting children with Reactive Attachment disorders caused by frequent moves in the first years of a child's life. They aren't the ones dealing with the terror that comes with PTSD, anxiety disorders or intense fear of abandonment caused by a loss of caregivers. They don't have to put on a game face and gently reassure a terrified child that going to live with strangers will be ok, when you have very real fears of your own that they will not be ok. The hardest thing about fosterparenting is witnessing or knowing a child will go through grief and experience trauma. No parents wants their child to suffer. Foster parents feel no differently.<br />
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If people in offices experienced these things they might view "best interest of the child" differently. Perhaps if they better understood the devastating, long term, effects of trauma it would have greater consideration in decision making.<br />
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Of course we don't work in ideals and there is no trauma free fostercare. The very need for it arises out of suffering, brokenness, abuse, death, violence, addictions, and illness....all of the worst things in this world are the foundation. A preborn baby being fed a steady diet of drugs and alcohol is trauma. A preborn child being immersed in constant stress hormones of its mother who is a victim of domestic violence is trauma. Being separated from a birth parent is trauma, even if the child is too young to consciously remember. It's there. A newborn withdrawing from drugs is trauma. Some of those things are unavoidable but once a child has been placed in care great consideration should be given to not perpetuating trauma, creating more chaos, or causing more damage.<br />
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Broken children, who become broken adults, are no small problem and will pay society back in full for it's failure to protect them.<br />
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There are many other worthwhile considerations when making case plans and deciding what is best for a child, however, this is at the top for me. I'm convinced that this is the priority that every other factor should be filtered through and weighed against.<br />
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If we truly believed in "best interest of the child" we would be far more focused on the long lasting effects of trauma and issues surrounding attachment. I think we would save children and society a whole a world of hurt.<br />
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-61951923280705559832018-05-07T16:02:00.000-06:002018-07-25T13:32:20.205-06:00Why I care about Fostercare <br />
It has come to my attention that May has been designated by someone, somewhere, as "National Fostercare Awareness Month". This seems like as good a reason as any to dust off this old platform and try to string together some coherent thoughts.<br />
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You might be thinking something like <i>"Why should I care about kids in fostercare? They aren't my kids. I'm looking after my own kids. They're not my problem."</i><br />
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On one level that would be correct. Kids in the system aren't my kids. I didn't conceive or give birth to them. I'm not legally responsible for their well being or obligated to care for them. Here are a few reasons why I chose to ignore those facts.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">1. Love compels me, Jesus commands me. </span></b><br />
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<b><i>"For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself"</i> </b><i>Galatians 5:14</i><br />
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"Love your neighbor as yourself" is also found in Matthew 5:43, Matthew 19:19, Matthew 22: 39, Mark 12:3, Romans 13:9, Luke 10:27, Leviticus 19:18, and James 2:8.<br />
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I'm assuming this is really important since it is repeated so often. We are called to love and care for those within our reach. Kids in fostercare are part of our communities, they live in our cities. They are our neighbors. Not only that, they are the vulnerable, the marginalized, the outcast, the fatherless, and the "orphan" that the Bible regularly exhorts us to seek justice for.<br />
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I have been loved extravagantly and sacrificially by a God who willingly plunged himself into the muck and the mess of this sin mangled world. I have been neighbored by Jesus. He doesn't ask us to do anything that he has not already done first.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">2. When vulnerable children are not cared for our whole society suffers. </span></b><br />
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According to every statistic I've ever read kids aging out of foster care, or who have been bounced around the system for years, are at a phenomenally higher risk of every social ill we can think of. Criminality, incarceration, homelessness, dependency, addictions, violence, mental illness, being victimized, and sex trafficking. This is not because something is inherently wrong with the children but rather because they have been denied the things they needed to become fully functional, healthy adults.<br />
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I'll share with you one tangible, close to home, example of the high social cost of failing children. A child who was born into a broken family filled with abuse and alcoholism spent the remainder of his childhood in about 25 different foster homes. He was failed by everyone. His most basic needs for attachment, nurture, security, safety, and love weren't met. Unsurprisingly he eventually turned to gangs, crime and violence. While out on probation he took the life of another man; someone's father, son, and brother. An entire family was rocked and grief-stricken. The pain was multiplied.<br />
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A terrible childhood is not an excuse for murder, however, it is a cautionary tale about the cost of wrecking kids. We all pick up the tab in one way or another.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">Only 44% of children in foster care graduate from high school compared to 81% of their peers. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> Patterns of brokenness are repeated unless there are people and resources ready to step in and throw a wrench in those spinning cycles. It's messy, it's hard, and nothing is guaranteed but the cost of doing nothing and ignoring the crises happening around us is even higher. We are the village that these kids need.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">3. It's worth it. </span></b><br />
<b><br /></b> We recently hung up our foster parent hats after 10 yrs of being a fosterhome. We are now shifting our energy into raising the houseful that the Lord has blessed us with and finding new ways we can act as a support role to active foster families. I'm not going to lie, being a foster family has not been easy. The system is a mess and so are the situations that bring kids into care but in the middle of all that mess are some really beautiful, amazing, precious kids. Kids that deserve to be loved fiercely. Kids that need stability and safety. After a decade of navigating the child welfare system I can tell you it's been worth it. None of the love was wasted. None of the sleepless nights or daytime tears were futile. The deep joy that lives alongside deep sorrow is something spectacular to experience. These kids are worth loving. So are their first families. They are both our neighbors.<br />
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<i><b>So what do I do now? </b></i><br />
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I gave you three reasons why one would care fostercare, it only seems fair to give you some ideas on how you can put that concern into action.<br />
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<b>-Become a Foster Parent. </b><br />
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I don't really like having to add the "not everyone can be a foster or adoptive parent" caveat because that just seems obvious. However, I do believe that more could and should.<br />
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Really.<br />
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You don't have to be super human, or a saint or some sort of parenting expert. You just need to care and make yourself available. Everything else you'll learn as you go. If my family can do it, with all our quirks and imperfection, anyone can.<br />
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If you are not in a position to open your home to a child in need, there are other ways that you can help. Now that I'm not a foster parent I feel more free to list these ideas without sounding like I'm begging for help myself.<br />
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- <b>Be a source of emotional and spiritual encouragement</b>.<br />
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Foster families tyically face a barrage of nay sayers and doomsday warnings from various concerned family, friends, and even perfect strangers. Be someone who will get excited along with them as they wait for a new arrival and be a shoulder they can cry on when that child leaves. Avoid "you chose this" admonitions or "this is too hard for you" sort of sympathy. Understand that they did choose this life and its hard. They need support not criticism. Discouragement can hit hard, especially when you're exhausted. Remind them that what they're doing matters. Sometimes a kind word is all you need to keep going.<br />
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- <b>Help foster families in practical ways</b>.<br />
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*Take a meal over to an overwhelmed foster mom. Be warned that she might cry when you drop it off because she hasn't had a decent nights sleep in years and is exhausted beyond what she ever thought possible. If she's going through a tough time or recently said a heartbreaking "goodbye" take over a gift bag full of comfort snacks, a favorite beverage, some chocolate, some bath or body product if she likes that sort of thing. Something that says "I know this is hard, it's ok to cry into a tub of ice cream while sipping wine".<br />
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*Find out what you need to do to become a social services approved respite caregiver or babysitter. This is a HUGE need since we can't drop off our foster children with anyone or call the neighborhood teen to babysit like we can with our bio kids. It's essential that we have people we can call in case of emergency or when we desperately need a date with our neglected spouse. This might be the number one way you can help a foster family in your community. Be willing to jump through the hoops, get a background check, or whatever is required in your area and make yourself available. They need you. They really do. You might have to remind them a time or two that you are ready and willing.<br />
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*Drop off a baby gift or a box of diapers. It's practical and it shows that you notice the new child in their home and see that this child has value. You see them. They aren't just "another foster kid". Gestures like that mean the world to foster parents. Maybe even throw a "shower" for new foster parents. That would be pretty incredible.<br />
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*Spend some time with foster siblings. These are the unsung heroes of foster families. The permanent or bio kids of foster parents share in both the heartaches and joys that come with foster care. They also share their parents, their rooms, their toys and their time. Sometimes their portion of a parents time and energy is meager because the needs of the little ones who come through the door are immense and all-consuming. These kids would probably love to come over and do some crafts, go to an event, or go out for lunch and have someone's uninterrupted time and attention. A luxury not found at home. We love it when trusted adults invest in our kids. There are many gaps to fill and we need all the help we can get. As foster parents, we feel guilty and inadequate so much of the time. We second guess how our choices affect our own kids everytime we see them go without something or witness their hearts breaking when a beloved foster baby leaves. What a relief it would be for someone to take one of our older kids to their basketball game and stay to cheer them on when we're cooped up at home with toddlers and fussy babies. Invite them over, take them out, let them know that what they're doing as foster siblings matters too. Sometimes messages coming from a different voice has more impact.<br />
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*Shovel the walk, mow the lawn, pick up some groceries. These are all easy ways to help support families who are in the trenches and doing the hard work of fostercare.<br />
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- <b>Be a mentor.</b> There are many ways to invest in the life of vulnerable kids outside of the nitty gritty stuff of parenting them. Volunteer at a group home or program for at risk youth.Volunteer some time at a crises nursery. Be involved in church ministries aimed at children and youth. Chances are there will be some kids there that need some extra attention. Coaches, teachers, Youth Pastors, Big brothers and Sisters. You are all important. Keep in mind that kids that need love the most may be the hardest ones to like. The more people a kid has on their team the better. They need to know that someone sees potential in them, that someone knows they can succeed, and that someone sees their worth and reminds them of that. You might be the only person giving them that message.<br />
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These kids, and foster families, need community. They need a village.<br />
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You are part of that village.<br />
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-27745704808946717772017-11-18T14:20:00.002-06:002017-11-18T14:31:46.345-06:00Reno Recap <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
This is a home renovation post that I've been meaning to do for a long time. I've been thoroughly enjoying my upsized living space for the past year. </div>
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When we bought our house 15 years ago in a rural Saskatchewan hamlet it seemed huge to us. We had been living in a very small house at the time and only had one child, with one on the way. I couldn't imagine how we would ever outgrow our "new" 3 bedroom home. It was an old farm house that had been moved into town by a previous owner and we paid $24,500 for it. No joke. That's what houses in rural SK were worth back then. At the time we were so broke that it was a huge leap of faith for us. One I'm VERY glad we made considering how the cost of housing unexpectedly increased. It needed some fixing up but it was very livable. The fixing up could come later. </div>
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Turns out it came much later but little by little we've made improvements on the house. In the past few years we've made the most drastic improvements beginning with the kitchen in the winter of 2014. The original was kind of a tragic mix of old home made farm kitchen (that made sawdust in all the drawers) combined with cheap particle board add ons. </div>
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My husband did a bang up job at a kitchen reno. Being married to a Journeyman cabinet maker finally paid off. </div>
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It got much worse before it got better! </div>
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Bottom cabinets and countertop coming together. Old upper cupboards stay put but get new doors. </div>
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The magic happening behind the scenes out in the garage.</div>
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Ta-da! </div>
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Is may husband a rockstar or what? </div>
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After the renovation (minus the backsplash which took a few years do to because of other pending renovations). </div>
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Fast forward a year and we took an even deeper plunge into a major reno. The kind that requires taking on a whole new mortgage to complete. </div>
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First we started with replacing all the main floor windows in the Spring of 2015. Many were original old wooden frames and some that had been replaced by previous owner had broken and weren't functional</div>
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This is how many of our windows looked during the winter. They had to go. </div>
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Once again it got worse before it got better. Much worse. For a very long time. </div>
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Yes, there was a giant hole in my house. </div>
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My husband also added insulation to everything. Here he is pulling out the old original horse hair insulation. I kid you not. </div>
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Some of the old windows.</div>
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An unused entry way that was poorly built, uninsulated and very cold. </div>
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It was the tiny room on the other side of these glass doors. </div>
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That unused porch area was transformed into a toy closet and the outside door was removed. We have also added a new foundation to the room and insulated it properly </div>
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We pulled off all the siding on the outside of the house and discovered a lot of mould damage. That validated our decision to take on some extra debt (and work) in order to fix this house up. If we had ignored it for much longer it would have been an unfixable problem. </div>
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After removing and patching up completely rotted wood in many places my husband added outside insulation to the entire house. As it was, our home was only insulated with saw dust which made for a cold drafty house during Saskatchewan winters. </div>
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The biggest part of the reno was the decision to add on to the existing house. </div>
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The guys digging a trench so SaskEnergy could come and relocate the gas lines. Don't be alarmed, they weren't digging where the gas lines were located they were digging where they would be moved. SaskEnergy said it would cost us less if we did the grunt work. They painted a path on the grass and we got to work. </div>
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Always time to play. </div>
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The addition would be a new dining room on the main floor and a new basement bedroom (and a renovation of the existing basement bedroom)</div>
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It was a whole family project with my Dad helping as well as my nephew. </div>
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Starting to take shape after harvest. It was a race against the weather which was holding out beautifully. </div>
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Roman was able to help with the entire project. He learned a lot. </div>
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We also reroofed and resided the entire house that summer. </div>
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Making Mom nervous. </div>
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Everyone was looking forward to a bigger eating space. The weird looking wall behind the kids was a makeshift, temporary wall to keep out some of the cold and draft since by then it was October. Behind that wall is the unfinished addition. My hubby placed an old window in it so Annie and the other kids would watch the work being done on the other side. </div>
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The snow came before we were finished the exterior but thankfully it melted and gave us a little more time before full on winter hit.<br />
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It was exciting to see it look like an actual part of our house. </div>
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Our first look at our new room from the inside. </div>
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Annie checking out the new basement room. My brother in law came out to do all the HVAC work. </div>
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By this time I was growing weary of parenting in a construction zone. Toddlers and construction zones do not mix. </div>
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We hired professionals to do the dry wall work so we could get it done properly and quickly. </div>
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At this point in the renos I moved out with the kids until the drywall was done. Between drywall dust everywhere, the noise of power tools, a dry wall crew walking around, the usual sorts of marital tensions brought on by extra logistical struggles and stress, and parenting exhaustion...I was very ready to be done with this whole ordeal. It had been an exhausting several months. Mostly for my husband. He had accomplished so much that year already considering spring, summer, and fall are also our busiest seasons on the farm. </div>
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We were all rapidly reaching burn out levels. </div>
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This machine chopped and blew the insulation through a hose with my husband held up in the attic. Once again Roman proved himself an asset. This boy can work! </div>
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We completed the indoor walls, insulation and paint just before Christmas 2015. We paused the renos, put away the tools and used the new room even though it didn't have flooring yet. We put a Christmas tree in the basement that year an decorations were minimal. We clawed for some sort of household normalcy over Christmas.<br />
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The first time enjoying our new space. Even though it was unfinished and our table was a sheet of MDF with a picnic table cloth on it. It was so much fun to finally use the space we had been working so hard to create. </div>
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Aili's huge, beautiful new bedroom in the basement. I'm still at little jealous. </div>
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Silas finally had a bedroom (his own ) after a year of being a transient middle child and sleeping on a mat on the floor in whatever room he chose to toss it down. Sometimes you do what you have to do in a big family. Annie required her own bedroom for her first two years because she was such a horrible sleeper. </div>
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If you look closely you'll see that Roman, who is sitting on the bed, is holding a newborn. Right after Christmas, as we were in the throws of holiday chaos and entirely overwhelmed by life in general (renovations have a way of making you question all your life's choices) we got a phone call asking if we would take a baby boy. Annie's (20 months) biological half brother. Considering we were only approved for one, and were no longer on the call list (and were "at capacity" officially and otherwise) it was quite a shock. The call came just as my husband was finishing up the paint and new flooring in the basement bedrooms. I actually walked into the basement, and interrupted his work, to tell him about the phone call. We made new space and God filled it. </div>
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Later in the winter, once we found our footing, we put down wood flooring. By "we" I mean my husband and son Roman. I moved to my parents house with the younger kids for a few days until it was done. </div>
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The finished product is beautiful! </div>
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I love it. It just turned out perfect for us. </div>
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Especially considering most every decor choice revolved around price and practicality.</div>
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Every day I enjoy the simple loveliness of it. </div>
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My carpenter husband build it to perfection. Which is amazing considering it began as a whole in the ground. The new floor and the old lined up perfectly. Exact enough to run flooring from old house into new. Everything perfectly square and level. He's a perfectionist when he works but the end result is genius. </div>
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We found a gorgeous large wood table on a good sale and then bought some black chairs from IKEA. </div>
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I was able to move in my Grandmothers china cabinet and fill it with various old pretty dishes that hold so many memories for me as well as a set of china dishes we inherited from my mother-in-law after she died. I get more sentimental the older I get. Maybe because the older you get the more goodbyes you have to say. </div>
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In the new dining room we have 2nd outside door leading to a backyard deck. </div>
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This summer 2017 we finally got backsplash in the kitchen. We went for cheap and simple...simple to install mostly. Not that it wasn't time consuming. </div>
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With that we were finished. </div>
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Now for the rest of the house....</div>
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One thing at a time. </div>
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I like to imagine this room being used to host many future Holiday dinners.</div>
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A home where we raise all 7 of our children. A home that they come back to with their own families. </div>
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-1442088347172730092017-01-07T11:55:00.000-06:002018-05-20T09:05:25.718-06:00One year with Ray. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJSyPGkW7T5euQTOeTCV1shjY4F8dzAteOD8wO2Battyhhb2giPwkkzFcua5rF3Mc0Up4qDsxzzLorW8bElw7Kwo8WrCgIYyiaU3o77FOoeQpi0vejUskYgVKkYV8UzNRx2-3l7ISVZfw/s1600/15665923_903043583166287_3258842492827299025_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJSyPGkW7T5euQTOeTCV1shjY4F8dzAteOD8wO2Battyhhb2giPwkkzFcua5rF3Mc0Up4qDsxzzLorW8bElw7Kwo8WrCgIYyiaU3o77FOoeQpi0vejUskYgVKkYV8UzNRx2-3l7ISVZfw/s640/15665923_903043583166287_3258842492827299025_n.jpg" width="590" /></a></div>
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The last couple weeks have had many special one year milestones for our littlest guy.</div>
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A couple days before Christmas we celebrated his first birthday. </div>
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365 days earlier I had no idea that the world had just welcomed a beautiful little boy. We had no idea that we would have a son in 2016, or that we would have a 7th child at all. </div>
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On the day of his birth there were no waiting room filled with friends and relatives anticipating joyful news. There were no balloons, excited birth announcements or celebrations. </div>
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There was an ambulance ride with a tiny little passenger. </div>
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A rush of medical professionals and social workers. </div>
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His first Christmas didn't include any "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments, there were no packages with his name under a tree, or families proclaiming that this new little life was the best gift they could recieve. </div>
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He brought in the New Year with beeping monitors and rotating hospital staff, as he fought off infections and endured withdrawl symptoms no infant should experience. </div>
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A year later. On the day of his birth he was surrounded by a houseful of friends and family. He was doted on and celebrated by people who have embraced and loved him for the past year. </div>
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He was treated like a little Prince.</div>
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This much loved little boy received birthday greetings from friends and relatives near and far. Extended foster family, friends who have become family, and even some birth family sent him their love. </div>
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He ate cake, chased balloons and soaked up all the attention. </div>
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On Christmas morning he and his 2 year old sister were up early to marvel at the pile of gifts that had mysteriously appeared. </div>
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The day was spent enjoying just being together as a family of 9. </div>
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Grateful for all the good gifts we've been given in 2016. </div>
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This sweet boy was the best gift and biggest surprise of 2016. </div>
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It has been quite a year keeping up to two little ones 20 months apart...with five others all needing attention as well. Although I have been stretched further and dug deeper in motherhood than I thought I could be, it has been a beautiful year. </div>
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Another blessing this year is that we have had some stability in regards to case plan and a future with our two foster babies. After a year and a half of constant fear, case plan changes, stress, and heartache....it was simply wonderful to just breathe. To rest in hope. To know that people in charge agree that this little guy should not have to lose another set of parents, or experience more needless trauma. He has lost too much already. He has gained so much as well. </div>
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<a href="http://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2016/01/unexpected.html#.WHEzsmQrJFQ">A year ago this week we met a tiny two week old baby.</a></div>
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We were cautious and unsure. Our life was full, busy, and complicated. It was hard to envision how a newborn (one that could possibly come with special needs or health concerns) would fit into our home. We didn't know what his future would hold, how long he would be with us, or whether bringing him into the fold would disrupt and upset the careful balance we keep on the ledge of chaos. </div>
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We came to the hospital "to just see the baby". We hadn't actually committed to him yet. I was ready...my husband wasn't so sure. I was full speed ahead and he was all the things that "might be". </div>
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All it took with a glimpse though. In that second the abstract became a living, breathing, vulnerable, precious child. </div>
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Suddenly he was our son. Even if it was only for a short time. </div>
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That was our "yes".</div>
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We knew he needed a Mom and Dad. He didn't need perfection or story book happy ending.... just a regular imperfect family that would love him fiercely through whatever challenges might lie ahead. </div>
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All it took was laying eyes on him to have that confirmed. </div>
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It was love at first sight. </div>
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All our excuses, insecurities and fears felt so feeble and selfish. </div>
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They felt so incredibly weak next to this little boy who was being so strong and fighting so hard. </div>
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This was one of my visits to the hospital where he stayed several more days. He soaked up the steady heartbeat and warm arms. I loved sitting and holding a sleeping newborn. There's just nothing better in life. Someday when all my babies are grown maybe I'll volunteer to sit in hospitals and hold babies that are craving that steady heartbeat and warm arms. </div>
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At 12 months old this little man is a delight.</div>
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He's ridiculously gorgeous, deliciously chubby and charmingly happy. </div>
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He is 23 lbs and 85th percentile for height. </div>
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He is meeting developmental milestones and becoming a toddler, complete with curious mischief and a stubborn streak. He is sweet, sensitive and cautious.</div>
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He can stand on his own and take a timid step or two. </div>
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Other than some lung issues he's a healthy little guy. </div>
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Ray is a ray of sunshine in our home. He fills a spot in our family that we didn't even know existed until he arrived. He is adored and doted on by 6 big brothers and sisters.</div>
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He's Daddy's little buddy and side kick. He loves to tussle and play. </div>
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I have a feeling he'll spend his preschool years tagging along on trips to the Jon Deere dealership for farm parts, and riding in the Semi Truck and Tractors. He'll be the cutest little farmers apprentice. </div>
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Ray we are so blessed to get to be your family. It has been a privilege to witness and be a part of the first year of your life. Each new "first" and baby milestone is just as exciting to us as it was when we experienced it all for the first time 15 years ago as rookie parents.</div>
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We love you so very very much and we cling to the hope of experiencing many more "first"s and birthday celebrations with you. </div>
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="https://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/196/89E3C0B69935CD66A6C03FB8C3D5ECEF.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0px;" /></a>Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-42299877184052207662016-12-13T20:14:00.003-06:002016-12-13T22:06:06.174-06:00About ElijahFour years ago we were packing our bags and waiting anxiously for the final notice of our travel to China. We did Christmas at home knowing we had a son across the ocean and we travelled early in the new year to meet him. <br />
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When we made the decision to open up our hearts and family to this little boy in a land far away we knew that he would come with many unknowns. Many of those caused me some fear in the weeks leading up to our travel date. Would he grow to love us, could we be the parents he needs, would our other kids adjust well, would our family crumble into chaos and would this adoption be the proverbial final straw that sends us all to the looney bin? We moved forward with eager and trembling steps knowing that this is what God was leading us to do. More specifically this was who God was leading us to.<br />
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When we brought him home he was six years old and had been through a lot. An abandonment as a toddler, two different orphanages, and five foster homes. He has cerebral palsy that mostly affects both legs and his left arm. He had just started walking and was able to walk a few steps. We knew those things before we left Canada. What would be a wild card was his development and cognitive ability. We were bringing him home regardless. This was a special needs adoption and we were under no illusions that things would be easy or free of surprises.<br />
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With CP there is such a wide range of ability level both physically and cognitively. I have known people who are completely unable to control their body but yet are very intelligent and their minds are unaffected. Some may have minor physical limitations but their cognitive ability is severely impaired. You just really don't know, and you certainly can't assume that someone with a severe physical disability has any intellectual impairment. We didn't know where our little guy would fall, but I've known a few kids with CP and they were all average intelligence. <br />
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When we met our little guy we were smitten. A beautiful smile that lit up at the simplest of pleasures like bubbles or a buffet meal. He babbled in mandarin and enjoyed being snuggled. He seemed quite a bit younger than six years old. Partly because he was the size of a Canadian three year old. <br />
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As the months and years at home followed it became apparent that not only was he developmentally delayed from bouts of malnutrition, lack of schooling and neglect but that something more organic was at play. Both nurture and nature were affecting his abilities. A year after adjusting to just being home he was enrolled into Kindergarten. He loved it and continues to love going to school. His EA, teachers and the other students are so good to him. The have worked so hard with him and always set the goals high. <br />
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Recently an educational psychologist did a full assessment of his intellectual ability and IQ. It was put off for a few years in order to let him catch up a bit and learn English. After realizing that this was about as caught up as he's going to get we finally got the assessment done. Yesterday we got the report back and went over the results.<br />
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I can't say I was shocked, although my husband says he was. I actually have mixed feelings about the results. In one sense theres a bit of relief and in another sense there's some sadness. I think it will give me more patience with him when I remind myself that he's not just being dense or difficult but that he really just can't get it.<br />
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Across every category he was "Extremely below average" and his percentile was 0.1%. The actual number of his IQ did floor me for a second. I'm not totally comfortable sharing the number but it is below an average person with Down Syndrome. His expressive and receptive language at 10 years old is that of a two or three year old. So there we have it.<br />
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In a way that validates what I've noticed in trying to teach him certain things. I don't want to hold him back or set the expectations too low but I also want to be realistic. Expecting too much just causes frustration for us and for him. I think the EA at school may be relieved as well as they are going to stop pushing so hard with things like learning letters (which has been entirely unsuccessful after three years of effort) and start working more on life skills. <br />
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The thing about the assessment is that it doesn't take into account that he is so much more than a test score. That number is a part of his disability but it isn't who he is. It also doesn't score the areas where he does have intelligence.<br />
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Here are a few statements written in the assessment that helped soothe my aching Mommy heart. They reflect more accurately who this boy is. The boy we know and love.<br />
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<i>"<b>Elijah was observed to be a happy and friendly boy who enjoyed engaging with others"</b></i><br />
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<i><b>"He was observed to be seated at a table colouring with a group of other children. I sat with the group and Elijah engaged with both me and myself and the other children. He enjoyed providing me with ideas about what I could draw."</b></i><br />
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<i><b>"Elijah presented as a cheerful and happy boy"</b></i><br />
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<i><b>"Elijah was cooperative throughout the duration of the assessment and completed all tasks required of him. He tried hard, even when the tasks were difficult for him. He demonstrated a positive attitude and confidence in his ability to attempt tasks."</b></i><br />
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Those observations very accurately describe my son.<br />
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He has struggles <b>but</b> he is more than that. <br />
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Here are some of the things he's really good at:<br />
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* Elijah is a very loving boy. He regularly gives me spontaneous hugs and back rubs and says "I love you mom".<br />
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* He is very generous with compliments. He basically tells everyone they are "cute" and tells me all the time "You're a good mom".<br />
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* He is polite. He is always on point with his "please", "excuse me" and "thankyou". He will patiently wait his turn and doesn't whine. <br />
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*He's an amazing big brother. He's always looking out for the little ones and the first to warn me if something is amiss. He is very affectionate, protective and playful with them. Annie and Eli are good playmates right now.<br />
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*He has a good imagination and loves to play pretend.<br />
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* He follows directions and is compliant. For a parent that must makes life easier. He can even follow and succeed at directions with multiple steps as long as the message is clear and he understands the words. I have a few children with ADHD so the ability of a child to hear, process and successfully follow multi step directions isn't something I take for granted. <br />
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*He enjoys simple things. It doesn't take much for him to be happy and content. Give him a bowl of popcorn or rice and he's happier than he is at Disneyland (unless you buy him popcorn or rice there). He's really very easy to please. <br />
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* He's helpful. The boy loves to be busy and feel useful. He's great at picking up toys or helping to set the table. He's as happy as can be when he's doing chores that everyone else grumbles about.<br />
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* He is very sociable and enjoys being with other kids and participating in activities. <br />
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*He is very perceptive. I think some of his ability to read a room, judge people's moods, and be hyper aware is a survival tactic he learned early in life. It's both a skill and a detriment as he can easily become frightened and very anxious if he feels someone is upset or there is potential danger. There's not getting much past him. If there's tension in a room or he's being excluded he's very aware of it. <br />
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*He is good at self care. As much as his physical ability allows he is eager to do things himself. He dresses himself for school. Takes himself to the bathroom. Washes his face and brushes his teeth (although I still go over them afterwards to make sure it's done well). Get's his own pajamas on.<br />
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*Elijah is great at finding a way to do what he wants to do. His ability to make adaptions and work at things until he can do it is remarkable. He's not a kid who is content to sit on the sidelines. He wants to be involved and finds a way to do so.<br />
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*He's always the first to pray for whoever in the family is hurt or sick, before it even crosses my own mind to do so. He's our little intercessor.<br />
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To be honest the hardest thing about parenting him has not been his disabilities but rather his past traumas and the damage they caused. He has a lot of deeply ingrained fear and when that is triggered he will fly into fight or flight mode quickly. It's like something primal deep inside him just takes over. It often involves high pitched screaming, raging, spitting and making himself as physically gross as possible. Often this happens at the worst possible times, and over the most ridiculous things (at least to us). It's very hard to have patience with that. Thankfully as trust and security has slowly grown these episodes are less and less frequent.<br />
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He really is just one of the kids. I don't think about his disabilities all that much because it's not at the forefront of our relationship as a mother and son. The extra stuff required when parenting a child with physical and intellectual disability is just part of life. It all seems pretty normal now. He is expected to behave himself, he is expected to obey, he is expected to be kind to his siblings. He has consequences if he isn't doing those things. He is expected to tidy his room and do what is asked of him. He isn't kept in some sort of separate "special" category. He has his own personality, his own likes and dislikes. He has friends and he loves his family well. <br />
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He's just Eli. He's just our kid. <br />
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All our lives are richer because of this boy and his smile.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="https://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/196/89E3C0B69935CD66A6C03FB8C3D5ECEF.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0;" /></a>Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-52539423451134429032016-11-18T15:10:00.000-06:002017-11-18T11:42:09.200-06:00What your Church needs from you. A letter to the big, messy, adoptive family. <br />
I wrote a blog post a while back called <a href="http://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2013/11/what-big-messy-adoptive-family-needs.html#.WC9Qg2QrJFQ">"What a big, messy, adoptive family needs from a church"</a><br />
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Today I'm going to reverse that title and write some thoughts on what a church needs from a big messy family like mine, or yours. I often hear parents lamenting that they aren't getting what they need from others, or don't have community, or who isolate themselves because it just feels easier. There are many people talking about what special needs and adoptive families genuinely need from churches. What I don't see or hear a lot of is the opposite. What our churches need from us. Specifically those of us with big, complicated, non-typical sorts of famlies. <br />
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First of all I want to acknowledge that you are tired. Not only that, but you may be utterly exhausted 100% of the time. You are busy caring for little ones with various demands and needs 24 hrs a day. Nothing is ever easy. Just leaving the house to go buy some milk is a huge ordeal that expends an absurd amount of energy and requires many logistical challenges. There's just really not much left over to give. By "not much" I mean you may feel drained to the dregs by the end of each day, and then the night shift starts. At least that accurately describes my current state of being.<br />
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So, when someone suggests that the church needs something from us it may put our back up a little. After all, shouldn't "the church" be serving me and my family? We have opened our homes and hearts to vulnerable children, shouldn't serving our own needs qualify as some sort of "ministry"? Is it really fair for the rest of the church to expect or need something from us?<br />
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Dear Mothers (and fathers) of children with special challenges, let me assure you that you are still a vital part of the body of Christ, that is being worked in and through your local church community. <br />
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In fact, just your willingness to get up and out the door, despite the fact you only had 4 hrs of sleep and a couple kids are on the verge of meltdowns, to meet in the homes of friends or to gather with the church on Sunday morning is a testament to others. People see your children. They see your big, messy, mismatched family and they see the gospel worked out in those chubby dimpled hands and crooked pony tails. <br />
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By just being willing to go, you put God's redemptive work on display, and are serving the church. The church needs that reminder that the gospel is about a Father who sacrifices, pursues, gathers and heals the broken, hopeless and alone right in the murky stuff of real life. So bring your kids with their snot, shaggy hair, challenging behaviours, and disabilities...come raw and real. In a sense, our ragamuffin gaggle of kids is a perfect picture of the Church. A people gathered from every tongue, tribe and nation (with all their imperfection) made into a family. Family with one blood line of Christ. Fully known and fully loved. <b>Serve your church by showing up.</b><br />
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If you are a big, messy, adoptive family with a range of special needs and challenges (or just a big messy family) community is vital. It's an absolute lifeline. I wrote more about that in the post mentioned above. You need it. Go find it. If you can't find that community, create it. <br />
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Don't sit at home pouting that you have no supportive community when you aren't willing to go out and <b>BE community to others.</b> The tricky thing about "community" is it requires something from you. It can't be one way. The Church was designed and created as a community. We weren't saved to be Lone Rangers, we were saved to belong to something bigger than ourselves. It's in the complexity of relationships that we are challenged, refined and sanctified. It is in loving others that we are filled.<br />
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If you are not actively serving, loving, and reaching out to others it isn't "community" it's "consumerism". Churches full of consumers become ingrown, naval gazing, bitter cess pools that eventually fade into oblivion. Thriving growing churches are filled with people willing to set aside their own preferences to seek out, and meet, the needs of others. They are filled with people willing to be vulnerable, honest and sacrificially invest in the lives of others. They are saturated with grace...because as we well know living in genuine community with a bunch of sinners saved by grace isn't without it's challenges. <br />
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That brings me to my next point. Grace.<br />
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You need it.<br />
My kids need it.<br />
God knows I need it.<br />
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Do you realize that your church family needs it from you too? The Church is not an homogenous collective, it's made of up individual people. People in need of just as much grace and kindness as you. <br />
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What your church needs from you is for you to be patient, gentle and gracious. Maybe you belong to a church that has not had any experience with foster children, with "high risk" teens, with kids who have special needs and disabilities, or with children that come with trauma and baggage. <br />
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Maybe they don't know the "proper" PC terminology that the adoptive parent community prides itself on keeping updated. Chances are some kids and adults in your church will feel awkward around an older child in a wheelchair that drools and talks weird. Maybe they don't know how to engage, even if they want to. That's why they need you and your children there! Exposure. They will soon see past the wheelchair and get to know your child as an individual.<br />
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Not every one of the 30 children's dept. volunteers that take time out of their own week to teach your children and hold your crabby babies so that you can have a break, instinctively know how to best handle a child with attachment disorder, sensory processing disorder, Autism, developmental delays, FASD, or ADHD.<br />
Maybe they don't even know what questions to ask.<br />
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This is where you come in. <b>You can serve your church by being gracious. You can serve your church by patiently, lovingly, and gently letting specific needs be known.</b> Build relationships with others who look after your kids or teach Sunday School. Have dialogue, follow up and ask if there were any challenges you need to be aware of or if they have any questions about your child. Choose your battles carefully and be slow to take up an offense. If there are needs that cannot be overlooked don't keep them quiet and then grow bitter when someone doesn't read your mind, know your child, and doesn't perform to your expectations. Be a teacher, advocate for your child when needed, but don't demand perfection. Don't expect people to meet needs you haven't bothered to make known.<br />
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Dear Special Needs Warrior Mama's, set aside your "rights" and your offence when something doesn't go exactly how you want it to. Set down your Mama Bear weapons. They may serve you well when advocating for education and medical care for your child out in the big mean world but this thing, this mission, the Church....it isn't about you. Its' about Jesus. To be blunt - <b>You can serve your church by getting over yourself. </b>Take your eyes off your own struggles, fix them on Jesus, and then look around. People all around you have exhausting, stressful, busy lives. People around you are hurting. People in your church have lost loved ones, are grieving broken relationships with adult children, are struggling with broken marraiges, have just received a devastating diagnosis. Then look beyond your church walls into an entire world that needs a message of hope and redemption. <br />
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I know, if you are an adoptive or foster parent, you probably already pride yourselves on your worldly "awareness". Maybe you carried your wee one, wreaking of stale urine and vomit, out of an institution in a far away land. You have witnessed first hand how cruel the world can be and how filled with sadness it is. Don't let that experience turn into pride and warp how you treat others back at home.<br />
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Not everyone has stood where you have or seen what you have seen.<br />
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Please <b>do</b> continue to advocate for vulnerable kids, shine light on injustice and heartbreakingly cruel conditions children exist in. Please <b>do</b> encourage and challenge your church to be more involved... but please do it with grace and humility. Especially if you haven't bothered to notice the hurting and wounded within your own church family, or if you can't be bothered to show up for weeks or months at a time....or if you haven't "had the time" to make a meal for a new mom, or send an encouraging text to someone who is lonely. None of us is scoring a perfect 10 in this. I know I'm sure not.<br />
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<b>Serve your Church by giving. </b>I'm not only talking about tithing, which is important, I'm also talking about being generous with money and time. Are there families who are struggling financially in your church? Are there other families trying to adopt but don't yet have the funds? Is someone in your church launching a ministry or going oversees? Is your church in need of a new sound board? See the needs outside your own home. Be generous. Even when you have a house full of mouths to feed and bills to pay. Give what you can. With joy.<br />
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Another way <b>you can serve your church is by giving credit where it's due.</b> They need encouragement too. Your pastor most certainly needs it. <br />
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No church is going to be perfect. It's made up of people equally consumed with their own problems and lives. We all have a bent towards selfishness and self preservation. In light of that reality, if the brothers and sisters in your church have loved you, served you and been generous to you thank God for that! He has used these people to bless you, encourage you and provide for you in times of need. It may not seem like a lot, it may be lacking in certain areas, but <b>remind yourself of how abundantly you have already been served by a Rescuer who laid down his life to give you yours. God has lavished you with undeserved grace, and welcomed you as his child. Remind yourself that he is working through his Church, as imperfect as they may be, and that you are still a part of that work. </b><br />
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We moms of many may not be able to sign up for a lot of extras, we may occasionally need to say "no" or step down from a ministry during a hectic season. Our priority is the messy, hard, redemptive work happening in our own homes every single day. Because of that we not only need supportive community but we need to be reminded to also BE supportive community. Because one doesn't exist without the other. <br />
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Dear Moms of many. Moms who are tired and weary. Moms who spend as much of the night awake as you do asleep. Moms who sit in waiting rooms while kids have surgeries, MRI's, and therapy. Moms who have multiple kids with IEP's and who dread phone calls from school. Moms who get funny looks while out getting groceries. Moms who dole out meds and take kids to psych appointments and counselling. Moms who dread phone calls from social services.<br />
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You still matter outside the walls of your own house.<br />
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The church needs you.<br />
They need your family.<br />
They are better because you are there.<br />
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Soli Deo Gloria,<br />
CarlaCarlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-55311643871229148002016-08-08T15:26:00.002-06:002016-09-03T09:56:43.680-06:00This is Real Family<br />
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"Which ones are real siblings?"<br />
"What happened to her real parents?"<br />
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Sometimes I forget that many people don't consider all my children to be "real siblings". Many people (including many in"the system") don't consider foster parents to be "real" parents either or our family to be a legitimate family.<br />
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I understand why there are a lot of descriptive qualifiers included in our family but inside my house, in the monotony and simplicity of daily life none of them exist. We are Mom and Dad, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters. Every once in a while a prefix must be used in a conversation with a child regarding their family of origin, or to clarify for someone who wants to better understand how our family is constructed. <br />
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Biological, adopted, foster, adoptive, temporary, long term, permanent ward all have meaning but none of them make what we do less "real" they are not a part of our everyday language. We don't categorize the children in our family. We don't segregate or make those distinctions. Whether I care for a child for 2 weeks or 20 years they are family. While they are under this roof I strive to love that child as fiercely as any child born from my womb. Sometimes when people hear those qualifying prefixes they stop seeing a real family and imagine relationships that are forced or pretend. <br />
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The depth of the very real relationships within my home also do not negate the role that biological family/parent will always have. Even if that role has never actively been a part of the child's life. It is still something to be respected and honoured.<br />
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From my vantage point I see a pack of brothers and sisters doing what brothers and sisters do. I see a Mom and Dad doing what Moms and Dad's do.<br />
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I watch two sisters playing "ring around the rosie" over and over in my kitchen giggling hysterically as they fall to the ground together.<br />
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I see a big brother get down onto the floor on his belly to cheer on and coach a baby brother as he learns to crawl.<br />
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I break up yet another fight between a sister and a brother who are each convinced that the other has "ruined my world". I take away the ipad and remind them that Minecraft is pretend and relationships are real.<br />
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I witness those same two siblings later in the day with their arm around each other as they play.<br />
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A two year old begs her teenage sister to make her "pretty", which means she wants big sister to put her makeup on her and do her hair. She sits so patiently as she gets a makeover and then runs upstairs to announce "Princess!" She often asks for that same big sister to come tuck her into bed at night, or read her a book. <br />
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I get to see a little girl jump up on the lap of a Daddy she bears no physical resemblance to, wrap her arms around his neck and then ask for him to bounce her on his knee for a horsey ride. <br />
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As a Mom, I feed, nurture, soothe, change, wash, teach, train, comfort, scold, and remind. I do these things literally 24 hours a day. Never do I stop what I'm doing and remind myself that I'm not really parenting but only pretending.<br />
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These kids dote on each other, they tattle and bicker, they play, and they protect. Because they're family. It's really not as complicated as the rest of the world wants to make it.<br />
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They may not all share DNA but they're siblings in every way that matters on a day to day basis. <br />
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I sometimes forget that much of the world doesn't always see foster families, or even adoptive families, as "real". Then I read or hear something and it jars me back to the reality that others aren't looking through the same lenses I am. They haven't witnessed the truth that plays itself out inside my home every single day.<br />
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We may not all be related by blood but we are bound by our commitment to love each other, even when someone takes the last bowl full of popcorn, or wrecks our really awesome Lego creation. Even in the heart wrenching and painful things that come with being a foster family.<br />
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Being a "real family" is simple, even though being a foster family is complicated. Every situation is different. Some children have a long history and strong bond to biological parents. Some children have never met their biological parents and came into foster care or their forever family at birth. Some children have regular visits with birth parents and will soon return to live with them. Some have never had a birth parent even request a visit and will remain with a foster family, maybe the only family they have known. Some will be adopted into a permanent family and some will sadly move from home to home. As a foster parent I have been called "Auntie" and I have been called "Mommy". That nuance of role didn't change how I loved them or mothered them.<br />
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We don't live in a world of ideals as foster parents. We exist in murky greys, hard truths, and crawling through broken shards praying that God will take all these jagged pieces and make something beautiful.<br />
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There's something about uncertainty that forges deep bonds. A gnawing awareness that time is short or that an unexpected phone call could turn all our lives upside down and leave us struggling to merely breathe gives love an urgency and an intentionality. We know all too well that "later" and "maybe someday" is a luxury we can't afford. We linger, we savour, we pour in and pour out and give it all knowing that tomorrow is not guaranteed and that when a child leaves they will carry those moments with them. We force ourselves to let go and pray it will be enough.<br />
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Could it be that people think strange (or impossible) something they just don't understand and haven't witnessed?<br />
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That's why it's a good thing for foster families and adoptive families to be seen and heard.<br />
When your church, your social circle, your community and your child's classroom has families like this and you see how very normal this family is...despite a mix of physical traits and complex histories... your mind and heart might just be stretched and challenged to regard this family as very "real". <br />
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God brought each one of us together including my husband and myself. Commitment and choosing love over selfishness keeps us here. Love makes us a family.<br />
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<i>{Roman rescuing Cece who climbed a short ways up a climbing wall and started to cry, too afraid to move or let go of the wall} </i></div>
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<i>{Brothers enjoying a summer swim}</i></div>
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<i>{some sibling playground fun}</i></div>
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<i>{Silas keeping little sister occupied on a rainy camping morning}</i></div>
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<i>{Just a larger than average real family}</i></div>
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-80567440472238512402016-05-30T15:39:00.000-06:002017-05-26T15:25:57.482-06:00A Journal of infant loss - part 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
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May 26, 2000<br />
Samuel Wallis Burlando came to visit us at 8:04 pm. God gave us over an hour to show our love to him, before he quietly slipped from Daddy's arms into Jesus arms. We will always love you Samuel, our tiny precious son.<br />
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May 29, 2000<br />
<br />
I'm so glad it's a long weekend. Mom and Dad just left this morning. Nathanael and I are alone now which is nice but I think we may find it hard now with no distractions. It's been so nice having my family here. By a miracle they made it in plenty of time to help me through labor and be there to witness Samuels short life. Praise God. There were many other friends and family that got to see and hold him too. It's nice to have so much support and love shown to us.<br />
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My labor was an odd one. After we went to the hospital Thurs. night I had only dilated to 2cm. So they gave me something to help me sleep and we decided to try to go home and get some sleep. I was so stoned and I slept for about 2 hrs. I woke up in horrible pain. I was so drugged I couldn't walk, focus my eyes, or deal with the pain. I scared Nathanael pretty good I guess. We headed for the hospital puke bucket in hand. I spent the next 6 hrs puking my guts out and going through horrible contractions.<br />
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It turns out they gave me too high a dose of whatever it was they gave me. What an awful exhausting experience. Around 5am I decided to let them give me a small dose of morphine and something for the nausea. We both slept for a few hours until people started showing up. When I woke up I had no contractions which I had for days before. We tried to get more rest and my midwife said we'd wait till my family arrived from Canada before we tried to speed it up.<br />
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They arrived at 11 am so we spent the afternoon resting and walking trying to get the contractions going again. The midwife didn't come until 4pm then she started pitocin and broke my water an hour or two later. I went straight from nothing to excruciating contractions in minutes. It was definitely a lot harder than I ever imagined. I didn't think I would make it out alive.<br />
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They gave me an epidural near the end which was wonderful. I was able to relax between contractions and let things move very quickly. About 1/2 hr later (it seemed like minutes) I was told to push. After pushing for several contractions he came out in a gush of water. I had a lot of extra amniotic fluid. I think that's the reason I've been so uncomfortable though the pregnancy.<br />
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We spent a while with him and then the family came in and held him. Then he passed away. He was quite active for the first little while but quickly became very still and was getting very little oxygen as a result of the heart defect.<br />
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We spent a little time with him after he died but it was hard to see him once he was cold. The worst part was trying to dress him. The outfit my mother in law made him wasn't long enough but we thought we'd try it anyway. It was hard to get on him because it pulled over his head. We should have tried the preemie sleepers or waited for the gown that the hospital gave us later. It didn't look good on him either but we didn't want to leave him naked. The sweater was kind of big but it was sweet. After trying to get his tiny stiff arms in the gown for a while I couldn't handle it anymore so Nathanael finished. I found out later he hated doing it too. I feel guilty for asking him to do it.<br />
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I held him unwrapped for a little longer then we said goodbye and went to another room. It was so hard leaving my baby all alone but I kind of wanted to escape too. I wanted to run back all night and find my baby but I knew I would only find the cold, stiff version of the baby that I wanted back in my arms. I still long to hold him again.<br />
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That hour went by so fast. I don't think I fully appreciated each minute like I should have. He had beautiful brown hair, tiny hands with all ten fingers. His feet were perfect and long. He was tall and thin. He was 2lbs 10 oz and 151/2 inches long. He had his Daddy's long legs. He did have some deformities like double cleft lip which was shocking to see at first but now I love every bit of him. His ears were a little low and his neck was a little short. He had a perfectly shaped head full of beautiful hair. My favourite part was his feet. I miss him and feel very empty now.<br />
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What an evening that was. In just a few hours I experienced the most pain I've ever felt in my life, the wonderful miracle of holding my first child and the heart wrenching agony of letting him go. The hospital, the nurses and my midwife were wonderful through the whole thing. Memorial Day weekend will have a whole new meaning for us from now on. I felt surprisingly numb that evening but gradually I'm having to face all the emotions. Especially now that my family is gone.<br />
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May 31, 2000<br />
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Saying goodbye has been a lot harder than I imagined it would be. The sadness is so intense I feel it will never go away. Every part of my body is longing for a baby it cannot have. It feels like my breast are crying. Milk runs down my empty belly as tears run down my cheeks. I feel my heart has been ripped out of my body, thrown on the ground and stepped on, leaving this big gaping hole and emptiness inside me. My mind fills with things I should have done. I should have loved him more, kissed him more, taken more pictures without being embarrassed of how he looked. I wish I could go back and relive that hour over again. I don't think I knew how much I would miss him once I said goodbye. I didn't know, at the time, how beautiful he truly was. I'm thankful for the hour we had but it's not enough time to be his Mom. My breast ache and burn with no baby to feed. What good is a mother without her baby? I'm left with a hollow womb and empty arms.<br />
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<br />
<a href="https://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2016/05/a-journal-of-infant-loss-part-1.html#.WSik9_orLJw">Part 1</a><br />
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<a href="https://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2016/05/a-journal-of-infant-loss-part-2.html#.WSik3PorLJw">Part 2</a><br />
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-76820750228211909132016-05-27T14:34:00.003-06:002017-05-26T15:26:19.773-06:00A Journal of Infant Loss - Part 2April 11, 2000<br />
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I'm feeling Samuel move with more strength everyday. Sometimes he makes my whole stomach move. I'm not feeling very well today. I'm coming down with a cold or something. It's such a sunny day that I should go out walking or something but all I feel like doing is taking a nap. I wonder how big you are right now? It would be cool to know how much you weighed.<br />
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April 16, 2000<br />
<br />
I was reading <i>"I'll hold you in Heaven"</i> and it explained a lot of things like when life begins and a baby's eternal existence. Every baby conceived is a spiritual being at conception even if it doesn't have a life span outside the womb. God knows the days of our lives and nothing comes as a surprise to him. My son may not know a normal life span, as we know it, but he still is a human being conceived in my body that will live eternally. We don't get a chance to know him now but someday we will see all that he was created to be. After reading that book I have a deeper respect for the life inside me. He's not just some unfortunate freak of nature, he's a soul that I have the privilege and duty to care for. Its not a waste of time because he's not just a group of defective cells waiting to become nothing.<br />
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May 5, 2000<br />
Friday I will be 30 weeks. I remember when that number seemed so far away. I've been feeling very pregnant lately. My doc. appointment last week measured my uterus at 31cm. I've been getting a lot of contractions the last few weeks and I've been very tired. My appetite has reduced dramatically. That will help with the weight gain. I am now at 147.5 lbs. I'm starting to wonder if the extra amniotic fluid situation is going to start. I felt so awful yesterday that I dreaded the thought of being pregnant for 2 more months. Nathanael knew enough to let me whine and not try to be optimistic about it all. I wonder if it's more fun being pregnant when you are busy planning for a baby and preparing a nursery. Maybe that distracts people from the physical discomfort. It's not much fun otherwise. Today I'm feeling better, I have more energy and I'm not as sore and achey. I do enjoy feeling Samuel move all the time now. In fact, he's thumping around in there right now. I wonder how I'll feel the next time I'm pregnant. It's really hard not to wish it were over with but I know I'll miss him so bad when I'm not pregnant anymore and I may even miss being pregnant. My reason to keep waiting, other than nature, is that the older he is the more chance he'll be born alive and by a miracle of God maybe even stick around a little while. For the chance at that I'd gladly suffer through a couple more months.<br />
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May 9, 2000<br />
I'm so angry right now. I was just watching a bit of a talk show on TV. It was about young teenage girls trying to figure out who the father of their baby is. Some had more than 3 to choose from! None of them, including the mother, wanted the child. One mother has about as much maternal instinct for her 9 month old baby as a piece of wood. She was trying to find the father so she could give her daughter away to him. Children should be our number one priority if we choose to have them. It angers me so much that people are given the gift of a baby and have no concept of how valuable they are. Why does a slutty 14 year old have a healthy baby when she admits on television that she wishes she'd had an abortion? Why do people get babies who have so much more important things in their life like careers, new houses, expensive cars etc. and have an hour in the evening to parent? I know it's wrong to try to question the fairness of life but I can't help but feel hurt and angry. People can make babies who don't even want them, will hurt them, neglect them and be terrible parents. I can't even keep my own son that I love and want so badly it hurts. This world is so screwed up. I don't want to accept this. I don't feel like being strong right now. I usually try to remember God is in control and will get us through this etc. but right now I'm mad with grief. I want to scream and fight and ask God "WHY?!" I feel like I'm filled with such a strong rage that is just now showing it's ugly face.<br />
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May 19, 2000<br />
<br />
Last weekend was Mothers Day, we went hiking at Twin Falls. We had a good day and surprisingly I wasn't sad about it being Mothers Day. I am now 32 weeks. I've been having a lot of pain in my lower back and back in general. Still have a lot of contractions.<br />
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I love watching you move and feeling my whole belly quake when you move. I sometimes sit and watch my stomach as it rises and falls and changes shapes as you change positions. You are getting up into my ribs now which can be uncomfortable especially when it's combined with a contraction.<br />
<br />
Mom and Dad might come down when I go into labor. If you can hold off a while and stay put until seeding is over. They will likely miss the delivery and Samuels short life but I'm glad they're coming. I still pray he'll be alive longer than we expected and maybe they'll get to see him while he's living.<br />
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{resting after a Mothers Day hike}</div>
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May 24, 2000<br />
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I'm 33 weeks on Friday. I'm having terrible contractions and backpain. I'm starting to convince myself that I'm in "pre-labor" or something. I called mom for advice and motherly comfort. She said I need to start writing down the contractions and keep track.<br />
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May 25, 2000<br />
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Went to work for an hour but left to to go see the midwife. I'm having contractions, one on top of the other and I'm dilated to 1cm. I called Nathanael. We spent the afternoon waiting and trying to stay distracted and calm. We went in to the hospital at about 9 pm. <br />
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<b><a href="https://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2016/05/a-journal-of-infant-loss-part-3.html#.WSiJ3forLJw">To be continued.....</a></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Find <a href="http://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2016/05/not-compatible-with-life-part-1.html">Part 1 of the story</a> <a href="http://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2016/05/not-compatible-with-life-part-1.html">here </a></b><br />
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-91751949835253124552016-05-26T21:20:00.001-06:002017-05-26T15:39:13.785-06:00A journal of infant loss - part 1<b><i>16 years ago today I held my first child in my arms. Today is also the anniversary of his death. </i></b><br />
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<b><i>He had been diagnosed with Trisomy 18 halfway through my pregnancy. The term used by medical professionals to describe our son was "not compatible with life". Those horrible words have been seared into my heart since that day. I despise them because even though our sons life was short, it was still a life. His life may not have been what every parent hopes for their child but he was definitely compatible with love.</i></b><br />
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<b><i>This afternoon I dug out an old pregnancy journal that had been stuck away in storage and began to read it. This is where it begins...</i></b><br />
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<b>April 2, 2000</b><br />
<br />
I bought this journal today because I want to record this pregnancy. I want to be able to look back at this time in our lives and remember the time I spent with my baby. I am now 25wks pregnant.<br />
<br />
I am feeling you moving all the time now. Each week the thought of loosing you becomes more unbearable. Some days I think I've accepted it and seem ok with it. Others, like today I feel like I could break down at any moment. On those days an intense sadness grips my heart and a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness cloud over every aspect of my life. I long to be able to hold you and show you how much I love you. All I can hope for at this point is the chance to see you alive. I don't know if that's too much to hope for or not.<br />
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{ Lord, please let us see our baby alive. We've accepted the fact that he will be taken home to heaven early but please leave him with us for a moment }<br />
<br />
Your Daddy got to feel you move recently. It's so nice for him to have a physical bond with you now. Although, I have been amazed at how much he loves you and feels connected to you even without ever knowing you, feeling you move, or seeing you (other than in ultrasounds). You're his son and he's been proud to call you that since we found out you were a boy. <br />
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We have your clothes all ready for you. Grandma and Grandpa B made you a quilt and pajamas. Grandma and Grandpa W made you a little sweater set. They love you too.<br />
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When I feel you move, you feel so strong and innocent. You have no idea that anything is terribly wrong with you or that there is supposed to be anything other than the womb you know as your whole world. I feel guilty preparing for your death when you are still so much alive.<br />
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<b>April 3, 2000</b><br />
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I'm having a much better day today. I have a burst of unexpected energy and rejuvenation. Maybe it's the sun. I went for a long walk down to Office Max after work. I bought some little cards and paper to put your foot prints on. I bought you a little Beanie Lamb. It's tiny and cute like you. Every baby needs a little stuffed animal whether you'll know about it or not.<br />
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I feel kind of silly sometimes. People might think I'm over reacting or getting too much stuff ready for you but that's what feels right. I want your life to be as significant and memorable as possible.<br />
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I still want to take pleasure in you and take pride in your existence. I almost feel ashamed of those feelings like I have lost the right to be a proud mother. I have already lost the innocence of knowing a normal pregnancy. I don't know what it's like to prepare for a baby, to dream about the baby wiggling inside me, or wonder what his future will be, all the natural things that have become something unnatural and foreign to me. I do not wait in anxious anticipation for delivery and a baby to nurse and cuddle. I'm in uncharted territory but it feels normal to me now. It's all I know. I long to know the joy everyone else feels during pregnancy.<br />
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<b><i> <a href="https://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2016/05/a-journal-of-infant-loss-part-2.html#.WSiHzPorLJw"> to be continued....</a> (part 2)</i></b><br />
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-10738379793715029792016-05-24T18:20:00.000-06:002016-05-26T16:12:39.059-06:00Spring Catch upIt's been a while. <br />
Someday my blog may be less neglected and more filled with life but this is not that season I expect. <br />
For now it will just remain on life support. If you have been patient enough to stay tuned...thankyou.<br />
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Life is crazy certifiably cray cray lately. On the move 24 hours a day meeting one need after another, putting out the fires that come with parenting 7 children, as well as keeping up with the endless supply of appointments, meals, homework, housework, laundry and child shuttling. Some days it feels like I can't tread water fast enough to keep my head up, like any extra little thing might be what sinks the ship. Like stomach flu. Which we have had twice in our house in the last two months, along with a winter filled with an unusual amount of colds and flus. I know this season of sleepless nights, spit up, spilled food, and not being able to shower with out strategy and the stars aligning, will end. Babies and toddlers grow up fast. </div>
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I don't want to be a whiner. Just being real. Life is feeling all different shades of "real" lately. Not bad. Just real. Relentlessly exhausting but also filled with love, blessings and joy. </div>
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Even though I'm weary and I could sleep for a month straight....I love this life that God has given us and I love these little (and big) people that I get to be family with. </div>
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Seasons change. The days and years rush past at an alarming rate. Spring with it's sunshine, rain, green leaves and grass is a welcome change. </div>
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With Spring comes seeding season on the farm. I didn't feel particularly ready to start what is a gruelling time of year for us. We started and finished early this year and we all survived so that's a win. The garden is also in now.</div>
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The Littles enjoyed visiting Daddy out in the tractor. </div>
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Starting them young. </div>
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We've had some gorgeous hot days already. The girls were eager to have a picnic outside.</div>
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Spring also brought with it a few birthdays. Turbo Toddler turned two! We had a small party at home but the kids insisted on dressing up, having a dance, and making the event special in every way they could think of. (Note the new dining room behind the dancers! Loving it so much. We only have a few finishing touches left in the addition/ renovation. After a solid year of hard work we are enjoying the fruit of it.) </div>
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Annie becoming one with the centre piece. </div>
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Aili is still our resident party planner. She also baked the cake. </div>
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Seeding lentils. </div>
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Roman, who turns 13 this summer, bought 10 piglets this spring. His summer job is to take care of these guys and get them fattened up to sell in the fall. Hopefully after paying back his loan and for all the feed he'll turn a profit. He's a boy that needs to be busy. Creating some farm chores is a good way to work on virtues like consistency, dependability, responsibility, and to build a work ethic. Not only that he is learning hands on about agriculture and what it takes to raise and grow food. Animals need to be fed...even if you're tired or don't feel like it. </div>
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He and his dad spent a week of evenings preparing for the pigs by building a nice big pen and a shelter, as well as setting up a for food and water. So far none of the piggies have escaped. </div>
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They enjoy the wallow pit that was made for them. The mud protects them from the sun and keeps them cool. It also seems to provide something for them to do as they dig and root and make it bigger. They are pretty fun to just sit and watch. They are eating like pigs and getting bigger by the day. </div>
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Speaking of getting bigger by the day. My littlest human baby is fattening up nicely as well. He's delightfully delicious in his own way. He's now wearing size 12 month clothes and has rolls everywhere. </div>
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Me and the Hubster on a rare trip to town alone. <br />
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Miss Cece was another spring birthday girl. She requested a "princess party" so thanks to a dollar store table cloth, some paper plates and a crown the party was a success. Once again we stuck to a small family party. I've stopped even feeling bad about that. They have enough siblings that every meal resembles a party....at least as far as the volume and numbers go. </div>
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Well, the big kids are due to step off the bus any second and in the time it took to write the last two sentences Turbo Toddler climbed onto the kitchen counter where she opened a permanent marker and a pair of scissors. So I'd best sign off. </div>
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Goodnight internet pals. Thanks for joining me here again. </div>
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Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-6478037241599219432016-03-04T11:55:00.001-06:002021-02-10T14:01:20.501-06:00Two months with our newest little Dude. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hey internet friends. It's been a while so I thought I'd catch up a little. Last week we arrived home from a trip to visit my parents in Belize. It was a good adventure and lots of family memories were made as we spent time exploring the beautiful country of Belize. I didn't have internet while we were away, and didn't take a computer, so I didn't blog at all about our trip. I did post a whole whack of photos on my blog Facebook page though. It you want to explore Belize through photos you are welcome to enjoy viewing our central American invasion. </div>
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Flying and travelling anywhere with six children (including one toddler that despises sleep and change) is a character building adventure all in itself. Overall it was a great trip and I know we will have an impressive photo album, lots of memories, and hearts filled with times spent together as a family. Travelling is one thing we've always loved to do as a family. We scrimp and save and prioritize to make it happen and feel very thankful that we have been fortunate (and brave) enough to have done many trips to various locations with our kids. I really feel that experiencing other cultures, hearing (and learning) other languages, eating new foods, and seeing other parts of this amazing world God made is the best education. </div>
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We were unable to take our newest little family member along with us. It is never ideal to leave a newborn for two weeks, but then again nothing about fostercare or the need for it is ever ideal. We rarely live in ideals. The trip was planned and paid for when we agreed to bring this sweet boy into our home, and some good friends stepped in and loved him well while we were away. He grew so much while we were gone, I hardly recognized the baby that was handed back to me. He has certainly changed from being a scrawny newborn into a full fledged chunky baby. He's got jowls, adorable huge cheeks, thigh rolls and is a big boy. Even just the width around his chest and head seems big. I wonder how long it will be until he is bigger than his petite 23 lb, 23 month old sister. He's gaining on her quickly already! </div>
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Lots has happened recently in regards to both our foster children's cases this year. Unexpected changes, long prayed for relief, and fall on our knees in shock surprises. It has been amazing, once again, to see God at work in these precious children's lives, in our families life, and in my own heart. Having another baby in the house was not part of our short term, or long term plan. It was unexpected, a bit scary, and our "yes" was a weak one. I trusted that God would turn timid act of obedience into a joyful, gratitude filled, love for this child. He has most certainly done that. What began as more of duty has morphed into our family feeling extremely blessed and so thankful for this adorable little chunk. He is such a sweet baby. He's had some tummy troubles but even in spite of that he's been a mostly content, easy natured baby who sleeps well at night. Seriously, he only gets up once a night at around 4am. He's a dream baby. At over two months old he is now smiling and cooing and responding to all the attention he gets.<br />
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I'm so in love with this little guy. I sit an look at his handsome little face and I'm completely smitten. I marvel at how beautifully he was created and wonder with a sense of awe what his life and purpose will be. I am overwhelmed by the great privilege it is to get to be the one to love and nurture this precious little life. The word "legacy" is being pressed into my heart since the first day I met this sweet boy in the hospital. There is so much weight to that word and I'm not sure what it really means in our context, but there's a coming together of past, present and future in this little boy. So much brokeness, death and violence, loss and grief, bondage and despair birthed into hope for something better, prayers heard, new life and hope. We get to have a front seat in this amazing story! He is the legacy of his birth family because their story isn't over yet either. What a privilege and great responsibility to carry in my arms, and care for in my home, this precious child.<br />
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The whole household is smitten with this new little addition. Even the former baby of the family has learned the word "baby" and is always eager to help find his pacifier, hold a bottle, or insist on holding him...even though he seems nearly as big as she is. She's a tiny little Mama. I hope these two will be best buds for years to come. It's a busy, bustling, loud, and messy house....but there is never a shortage of love.<br /><br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-90321588579501199202016-01-15T21:44:00.002-06:002021-02-10T14:01:30.741-06:00One week at home.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We survived our first week as a family of 9!</div>
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Despite some kids with fevers, a cold virus making it's rounds, a house still torn up with renovations, and vehicle troubles we're really not any worse for wear. </div>
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In fact, this little guy has been a very sweet tempered and content baby, considering the issues he's coping with. He merged into the household pretty seamlessly. Maybe we're just getting used to having babies around. He really has brought out the best in each of the other kids. It's always a joy to see them so easily embrace a new little person in the house. There is certainly no shortage of love or eager arms in this house. </div>
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Annie, who is currently 20 months, had a rough first day learning to share Mommy and her bottles (which she had not long ago been weaned from) but it didn't take her long to decide she adores having a baby brother. Most of my day is spent making sure she is not loving him with too much exuberance. The good news is she has decided to embrace the roll of big girl and has slept through the night a few times this week! </div>
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The 1 year old and newborn combination certainly keeps me on my toes. When Annie was a newborn I spent a lot of time just sitting in the rocking chair while she slept on me. That's not so much an option this time.... there's much toddler mischief to be had while Mommy is busy with the baby! </div>
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I have no idea how long Tiny Prince will be in our home but he has certainly stolen our hearts already. He is a precious little boy who has had a rough start to life. </div>
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He's doing really well right now though. He's eating like a champ, pooping like he's trying to win a contest, and sleeping as well as can be expected at less than a month old. He's having longer alert times, looking at our faces, and taking in the world around him. </div>
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Good night friends, I'd better go try to get some sleep now. Morning comes far too quickly these days. </div>
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<br /><br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-67418031366408708712016-01-06T19:03:00.001-06:002016-03-22T14:36:39.365-06:00Unexpected<br>
This year began a little differently than we anticipated. <br>
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We are only approved for one foster child. We are not on the call list. We had no plan to raise our kid count from six to seven. <br>
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Then out of the blue we got a phone call. We were not at all prepared for what we would hear. One of the children in our family had a new baby brother.<br>
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It felt like a completely unplanned, unexpected pregnancy....and then being told that the baby would arrive in two hours. <br>
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Our minds raced through all the reasons it felt impossible. <br>
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Our house renovations are crawling along, although we are making headway and enjoying some added space, the mess and work is far from over.<br>
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We have a trip to Belize planned and paid for next month.<br>
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We have a house full of excessive noise, boisterous energy, big personalities and various special needs.<br>
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We have a packed schedule filled with appointments and obligations.<br>
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I don't get much sleep. Annie has been horrible sleeper and at 20 months has only slept through the night a couple times. I have a couple other early birds and restless sleepers as well. <br>
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After many tears, quite a lot of arguing, panicked calls to friends and our pastor (who were wonderful enough to not only tolerate our crazy, but remind us of truth in the midst of it)....we said "no, not now. We had to decide within a couple hours and it just wasn't enough time to come to any sort of wise, prayerful, and unified decision.<br>
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From what we understood he would be sent to an emergency foster home (since he had to be discharged from the hospital that same day) and then we would wait another week until the case worker was back from holidays and we could get more information. That would buy us some time to get our ducks in a row....or get off the hook, depending on perspective. <br>
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This week we called and found out that little guy had been readmitted to hospital the day after he was discharged and there was no other foster family. He has been a sick little guy for the past week. After some chatting with the case worker, gaining as much information as we could, and going to visit this precious little boy....... we said "yes". <br>
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It's weak yes and a timid yes.<br>
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It's a trembling and unsure yes. <br>
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We know there are so many reasons why this is crazy, irrational, and illogical. We know it will be hard. Those things have swirled through my brain on repeat for a week now. <br>
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Even in those doubts I am reminded of truth. The Gospel that has been pressed so far down into my self preserving heart starts to chip away at the fear. <br>
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As we prayed and reviewed our assets and limitations one huge factor is that we are equipped with an amazing church family. Not only are we so well spiritually fed and cared for by our leadership, we are served and loved by our gospel community. We know we will not walk this road alone. We have support, help, encouragement and even people bold and loving enough to helps us with our own sin and struggles. <br>
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It's crazy to see how Jesus takes a group of people who come from extremely different backgrounds, a wide variety of ethnicities and cultures, make up every different demographic, who otherwise would have nothing in common and probably wouldn't even know each other, and makes them family. He forms them into authentic grace saturated community. Family that is committed to do life together ...through all the messy stuff of life and relationships. Knowing we are not lone rangers doing this crazy life by ourselves makes all the difference. <br>
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As I sent out panicked texts to a friend immediately after getting the phone call, I was met with instant offers to help and even an offer to care for the baby while we go to Belize. Within minutes the one biggest barrier I could think of at that moment was relieved and removed. </div>
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Today I am stuck at home, two hours away from the hospital where baby is still residing, and two of my friends have spent time at the hospital holding this tiny boy. </div>
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After two weeks of laying alone in a hospital bed, he is going to be loved with the full force of a community that knows what it is to be so generously loved by a merciful God. Even on the days when I can't be there, I know someone will go and take my place. I'm honestly just sitting back watching God's grace unfold and wrap around all of us. </div>
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This little boy who's circumstances are so tragic, who is viewed by society as a social problem, who was born with so many strikes against him already... is now being treated like a Tiny Prince. </div>
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Because that's the way the upside down Kingdom of God works. Because that's what Jesus' people do. </div>
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I'm praying that God will take our whispered yes and turn it into a thunderous testimony of God's redemptive mercy and goodness. He writes good stories....and it will be our privilege to enter into this one. </div>
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Soli Deo Gloria, </div>
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/196/89E3C0B69935CD66A6C03FB8C3D5ECEF.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;"></a>Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-9507951031532954852015-12-24T11:12:00.000-06:002016-03-22T14:39:01.686-06:00From our family to yoursThe official Burlando Family Christmas letter.<br />
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Greetings from our family to yours. I decided to write a Christmas letter because it's important to keep in touch with loved ones and perfect strangers on the internet. Just in case you just haven't had your fill of my family via the various forms of social media I spent too much over sharing on, here is a festive overview. </div>
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As you can see we live in a winter wonderland. Otherwise known as a place that looks beautiful and magical for about a week during Christmas and then quite instantly transforms into "It's so cold! Why do I live here? We have to plug in our vehicles for crying out loud!"</div>
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Here is a run down of the family pecking order. </div>
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Our eldest daughter is 14. She does teen ager type stuff like playing basket ball, going to youth group events, and trying to escape her home any way possible. Her current hobbies are doing her hair, spending obscene amounts of time primping, obsessing over makeup, posing for selfies, feeling chronically embarrassed of her parents, and teasing her younger siblings. </div>
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Our eldest son is 12. He is not quite a teen ager but he is as tall as his mother and is as moody as his father. Even as I regularly exclaim <i>"Good lord what is that smell?!!"</i> it is fascinating to watch a boy slowly morph into a man. We found a perfect outlet this fall for his gratuitous amount of energy. It turns out he really likes to run. Which could come in handy because his little brother may end up bigger than him someday and pay back will be rough. </div>
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Son #2 is 9 years old and is loving school. We are loving having him in school too. </div>
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His hobbies are watching people do stuff, repeatedly asking obvious questions, and eating noodles. </div>
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Son #3 is turning 9 next month. He is the family comedian and generally a happy guy....as long as no one messes with his Mine Craft world, gets in his way, says the wrong thing, or suggests he do something he doesn't want to do. His hobbies are watching TV, eating apples, and following me around asking for the App Store password. </div>
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Daughter #2 is as sweet as ever. She has smile that is pure sunshine and a giggle that can melt ice. She has also recently traded her preschool biting streak with full on punching. She's pretty good. We may have a future UFC star on our hands. I'm putting my money on this one. </div>
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Foster Daughter is still stuck with us. She seems ok with the arrangement. That may be because she has lived with us since she was a newborn and has nothing else to compare our family with. Her stubborn streak, sense of humour, and ridiculous amount of energy are good survival tools and she fits in perfectly.</div>
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The Father of the pack has been working very hard building a sound proof addition on our house. He's hoping to move into it early in the new year. While wondering how he ended up with five children, despite having a vasectomy after three, I snuck in a sixth. He now insists that we are "done". For real this time. No really, for realz. More real than the last four times he has said that. </div>
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The mother of the pack has many hobbies. These include being woke up at night, making appointments, driving kids around, cleaning up messes she didn't make, and counting down the hours until wine O'clock. </div>
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It's a long winter. Sometimes you just need a hotdog cooked over a fire....when it's -20 degrees Celcius. </div>
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They're all on the naughty list. Every last one of them. Even the cute one. </div>
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Cece still hoping sure can use her charm and good looks to change her fate of getting coal for Christmas. </div>
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This one has the good looks but completely lacks ability to charm. The look on his face suggests he's pretty sure Santa might kidnap him and take him to the north pole to work as a toy slave. </div>
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With the current state of the economy and a rising concern about the use of fossil fuels we decided to forgo modern methods of transportation. It's really very efficient mode of travel if you aren't concerned with things like warmth, comfort, speed, and distance. </div>
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So from our family to yours. </div>
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Yule Tide greetings. </div>
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May your New Year bring with it an abundance of chocolate, coffee, and Netflix marathons. </div>
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Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-72527704645095360842015-11-24T15:58:00.002-06:002021-02-10T14:01:48.681-06:00What Foster Parents Aren't<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>We are not baby sitters</i></b>. </span> I am not a nanny, a childcare worker, or an in home daycare. For one, those are all paid positions. Foster parents do receive some money from social services which is intended to cover the expenses associated with caring for a child. If I were to consider this income a wage it would work out to about 90 cents per hour, considering we get no weekends off and I am on duty 24 hours a day. <br />
We are not hired babysitters. <b>We are parents</b>. There is no clocking out at the end of the day. We parent children, sometimes for a long time and sometimes for a short time. Too often "the system" can treat foster parents like they are contracted staff, and children are put on ice until they can come up with a game plan. But then pesky emotions and deep relationships get in the way of policy and bullet points...and that complicates things. Some social workers appreciate that complicated reality, some don't. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>We are not immune to heart break</i>.</b> </span><br />
"I could never do that"<br />
"I would get too attached"<br />
Those are the most common response I hear when fostering comes up. I understand it's meant as a compliment but it also assumes that somehow we are a different sort of human. <b>Getting attached is what we do</b>. It means that we have loved this child well. Kids in the foster system deserve nothing less. There is a difference between a strong love for a child (that can be just as deep as the love we have for the children born from our bodies) and unrealistic expectations. We expect loss and grief. We constantly push ourselves forward knowing that just around the corner the little world of safety we've created for this child might come crashing down. Again. We do it because they're worth it. Choosing to love and pour myself out completely for a child who may never remember me, who may never love me back or who even resents my role, has given me a much more tangible view of Christ's love for me. We aren't stoic saints or calloused robots. We love, we hurt, we love again. <br />
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<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">We are not neglecting our "own" kids</span></i></b>. In all honesty one of the biggest fears I had about fostering is how it would affect my own children. We are a foster <i><b>family</b></i>, not just foster parents with other kids. We are in this together, the excitement of getting a phone call for a new placement, the anticipation of shuffling to make room for the new arrival, the adjusting everyone's lives to accomodate a small stranger, the learning to love and the walking through loss. <br />
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This touches every one of my kids. I would be foolish not to tenderly consider and assess their own hearts every time we say "yes". In fact the thing that breaks me the most when facing a child leaving or a "transition" to a new home is knowing it will hurt my kids. Watching their little hearts break is worse than having my own torn to shreds. I carry that heavy burden with each step we take as foster parents. We have been fostering, typically one infant at a time, for 8 years now. From this vantage point I can see that this thing we do as a family, this ministering to tiny vulnerable humans, has not ruined my kids. I sense no resentment from them at all at this point. Right now one of my children is displaced from an actual bedroom because a baby with horrible sleep habits moved in a year and half ago. He sleeps on a camping mat, last night it was located on the living room floor. Sometimes it's in the toy closet. Yet, he loves her fiercely and doesn't complain (or at least rarely complains about the arragmements). Their lives are disrupted in every possible way, and yet these disruptions have the potential to forge character.<br />
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I see how they each have a deep sibling bond and love for their little foster sister. All five of them have their own unique and very sweet relationship with her. Having little ones around has brought virtues out in my big kids that I'm not sure would have been this developed otherwise. Watching a 12 year old boy nurture and tenderly care for an infant or toddler is precious site. By being a foster family they have had ongoing practical life lessons in flexibility, responsibility, compassion, empathy, sacrifice, patience, generosity, and gentleness. No, it's not always easy. Siblings are siblings. But <b>if fostering has changed my kids it is for the better. If it has ruined them, its for a superficial and selfishly lived life. </b><br />
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<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">We are not the enemy</span></i></b>. Fostering drops us into the middle of someone else's nightmare. We are thrust into stories of heartache, brokenness, failures, and loss. Our role is to help pick up the pieces for a child who has become collateral damage in a family's crises. Sometimes that crises has gone on for generations, other times it might be a brief bump in the road.<br />
By nature this role puts us in an awkward position. As we strive to advocate for and protect the child in our care, this can potentially put us at odds with some biological family members (It can also put as at odds with social services). This is not our desire or intention. In fact, I find that with each new foster baby I welcome into our home, my heart is broken with compassion and expands with love for this child's birth family. Even in their addictions, brokenness, illness, and poor choices their biological family starts to feel like an extension of our own. Even if they don't have a relationship with or visit the child they are never far from our prayers and thoughts. We want success for them. We want healing and transformation in their lives. We long for that, we pray for that, even once the option of custody has long since passed.<br />
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Foster parents see the worst of what broken adults can do to children (and what this broken world can do to adults), we know all too well that reunification attempts can be a disaster and the a child's best interest is not always put first. <br />
That being said, if a parent or close relative is stepping up and working hard toward gaining custody we will do all we can to help that transition to be a success even if our hearts are breaking from the personal loss. <b>I can honestly say that I love nothing more than to have positive relationships with a child's family of origin.</b> In some cases foster parents are co-parenting, even after a child has gone back to their family of birth. They become part of a birth parent's support network. Some former foster parents switch from the role of active parent, to being a loving Auntie and Uncle that gets to be involved in that child's life. It's not an "us" vs. "them mentality. It doesn't have to be. Birth parents, foster parents, and case workers are all part of a team that is trying to salvage a childhood, and build a positive future.<br />
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<i><b><span style="font-size: large;">We are not trying to strip a child of his heritage</span>.</b> </i><br />
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In fact we try very hard to do the opposite.<br />
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This topic is pivotal and a focal point for social services in the area I live. In my opinion tragic actions of the past have triggered opposite over reactions of the present. Like a driver who hits ice and starts to slide off toward a steep ditch, who then over corrects by quickly turning the wheel in the opposite direction....which then puts the car into a dizzying out of control spin. The pendulum has swung from having no consideration for a child's ethnicity or culture of origin to making that the apex of decisions being made. Being moved to "their own culture" (even to live with a non relative and stranger) can trump things like current strong family bonds, permanency/adoption, a child's current community and support network, and a consideration for things like trauma and attachment. It's a very sensitive mine field that we walk as a multi-racial family. Policies of racial segregation are one of the biggest frustrations I have with status quo. <br />
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<b>I believe that it is important for an adopted or foster child to grow up being connected to her roots, her culture and family of origin, and to have her ethnic background be part of her positive identity.</b> I'm sure we won't get it right all the time, but we really do try. We make that effort and naturally incorporate those things into our family life. My husband and I are as white as Wonder Bread and we have children from four distinct ethnic makeups. Our home is a patchwork quilt of various cultures. Traditions that were passed onto us, ones we combined when we got married, some we create on our own, others we adopt into our unique family culture. So many things make us who we are and build our identity....our families, our values, our faith, our ethnicity, our experiences. These are all so much more nuanced and complex than the dividing lines of colour that the world likes to draw. <br />
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I love all the children that are cared for in my home. As such, we start to identify with and have a deep appreciation for all those various cultures of origin...in our own way. Our family is a eclectic mix of Canadian farmer, American city, Chinese, MĆ©tis, Saulteaux, English, Scottish, Scandinavian, ....and Mexican because we love Mexico and thoroughly appropriate their culture any chance we get. One of my blonde children actually convinced he was Mexican for quite a few years. We have family members and close friends from many more fascinating cultures. Anyway...you get the point. It's complicated. Colour coded dividing lines get blurry.<br />
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<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">We are not strong</span></i>. </b> Don't get me wrong foster parents are a passionate breed. We love deeply and protect fiercely. We resist very intense Mama bear fight or flight impulses regularly. We get our hearts battered and bruised and then we are crazy enough to sign up to do it again, and again. Don't let that fool you though. We aren't always strong. Sometimes we just make it through each day. Sleep deprivation, toddler tantrums, various doctors appointments, visitation schedules, dealing with chronic behaviors stemming from damage that was done in utero, trauma, abuse or lack of healthy parental attachment at crucial points in development....they do take their toll. The stress of never knowing what's around the bend or what news the next phone call will bring can make a heart and body weary. <b>I'm not strong but I lean hard on the One who is my strength. A God who rescues, pursues, and who binds up broken hearts. </b><br />
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Foster parents need community that "gets it", they need encouragement that what they are doing day in and day out actually matters. An image from a story in the Bible just came to mind. Joshua and other Israelite men went out to do battle with the Amalekites. Moses, Aaron and Hur stationed themselves up on a hill. As long as Moses had his arms raised with the the staff in hand, the battle was being won. <br />
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"<span face=""trebuchet" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">But Mosesā hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun."</span><br />
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That is a fairly accurate depiction of why we need our brothers and sisters standing along side us. We are not doing "battle" against flesh and blood, but the battle is real just the same. Our arms grow weary as we stand in the gap for each child that enters our home. Exodus 17:12<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>We are not in control</b>.</span></i> I have very little say (none really) in what happens to any of the foster children that come into my home. I do not make the case plans nor do they need my approval or permission to move a child. I love these kids as my own but they are not my own. When you are fostering you have no option but to contend with the feeling of helplessness. Like a little boat tossed around in a big ocean. We just hold on for the ride. We are not in control but we are trusting a God who is. <br />
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<br /><br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-79654612439203104142015-11-16T20:33:00.003-06:002021-02-10T14:01:57.371-06:00Living with a locked door and an open heart.<br />
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There seems to be a misconception in our culture that having boundaries equals a lack of love. <br />
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This spills out into many different aspects of relationships, family dynamics, and our society in general. One way I've seen this explode to the surface is in regards to actual national borders and immigration policy. There are huge debates right now on how "open" our borders should be, especially in light of the recent horrific Islamic terrorist attack in Paris and the Syrian refugees.<br />
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On one side you have people insisting that anything but dissolving national borders, and rolling out large welcome mats to anybody and everybody that wishes to relocate from the country of their birth is "xenophobic". These people often smugly insist that people who disagree with them are hateful, bigoted, racists. Because when you lack a logical argument name calling is an effective way to discredit and silence others. There is also the assumption that if you have a more nuanced opinion you must lack compassion and are certainly being "unChristian". <br />
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On the other side of this issue we have people who feel that that borders need to be slammed closed, that people shifting around puts their way of life, their jobs, the economy, or their own comfort level at risk. Governments should only ever spend money on their own citizens and the world can burn outside the safety of their little bubble of serenity. <br />
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I find myself wandering through the murky grey area between.<br />
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As Christian I am compelled by certain principles of generosity, grace, mercy and sacrificial love. I also believe that every human being is an image bearer of God and are inherently equal in worth. As such I will treat you with respect and dignity regardless of who you are or whether I agree with you on any particular topic. As a Christian I also believe in justice and acknowledge the reality of evil in the world as well as the darkness nestled within the hearts of mankind.<br />
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Because of the reality of human depravity and sin, I lock the door of my home at night. I am a realist with solid hope, not an idealist with pixie dust. <br />
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<b>I lock my door, not because I hate everyone on the outside of my home, but because I love and want to protect those who are sleeping peacefully within it's walls. </b><br />
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I lock the dead bolt of my door knowing full well that there are some people in the world who callously choose to harm others. It may be simply a small deterrent, but it's something. There is some security in knowing it will be difficult for someone to enter unexpected and uninvited. I do it because that is the loving thing to do. <br />
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Some might say that locking my front door is hateful because someone might be in need of a home and they have every right to mine. My home might have a nicer computer than theirs which really isn't fair. Not allowing them free access is heartless and not compassionate. One might even justify home invasion and theft because the perpetrator might have felt disenfranchised or marginalized. Maybe it's a cry for help and we should put up signs on our doors saying "home invaders welcome" or "free hugs for burglars".<br />
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If you want to do that, more power to you. You either lack good sense or are far braver than I. Maybe you don't care about the safety of those you love or being a good steward of what you have been given. <br />
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My guess is that most everyone who wails against a cautious immigration procedure or secure border, locks the doors of their own homes. To me it's a very similar thing.<br />
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You see, my humble home is filled with people I love. So filled up that we are in the middle of a construction project to add a couple extra rooms. <b>Our house is full because we have open arms and open hearts. We have welcomed the weak, the unwanted, the rejected, the disabled and the wounded into our home. We have become family. My prayer is that our arms and hearts will remain open and ready to embrace those in need. </b><br />
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Whether it's someone who's vehicle has broken down on the the bitterly cold Saskatchewan highway, or someone who has recently moved to our country...our kitchen table, as small as it is at the moment, is always ready to be set with an extra place. Even if it means some of us have to eat on the floor or in the living room. We will make room. We will give you what we have. Whether you are rich or poor, whether you are refined or so rough around the edges we have to remind the children not to stare, you will be treated with dignity and kindness. <br />
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This is our home. This is the home I strive to create. A place of warmth and welcome. A place to belong and to be welcomed as you are. A place where grace is lived out. That grace is important because I am very aware of that not one of us who live here is without desperate need of it.<br />
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Here's the catch. <b>We get to choose who we allow through our front door. We should and do swing it wide open to people in need, to neighbors near and far, to friends, to orphans, to widows, even to strangers. On the other hand if someone is outside our home yelling death threats it is not unkind to close that door, lock it and call the police... Maybe even apply for a restraining order. </b><br />
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Not only do I secure the door of my warm and welcoming home at night but I also have general boundaries regarding who I will share my home with, and who will be permitted to dwell within these walls.<br />
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If I know that someone is a heightened risk to harm my children, for example they are known to have raped children in the past, they will not be seated comfortably on my sofa or curled up in one of our beds. If I feel compelled to minister to that person in any way, it will be outside the walls of my home. Some might consider that mean or ungracious, but it is something that my family has had to navigate.<br />
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I will not only protect my children but I will model that strength for them so they learn to develop their own healthy boundaries. Love does not equal "tolerance" of anything and everything.<br />
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Those boundaries are not a fortress and our home is not a bunker where we hide. I teach my children to leave their comfort zone, and the relative safety of these walls, and go out into the world. Love draws people in and it also means going out and meeting the needs of people where they are.<br />
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Yes, as Christians we are called to love and forgive, even our enemies, but forgiveness doesn't delete consequences or equate trust. Love doesn't ignore reality. Sometimes love means saying "no". Sometimes it means allowing someone to experience the consequences of their own choices or experience the just reward for their crimes. Even if our heart breaks for them. <br />
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Loving those within my home requires my vigilance and scrutiny. It requires that I carefully consider who I allow to babysit, and who I trust to spend time alone with my children. It requires that I might offend, I might hurt feelings, and I might seem unwelcoming or overly cautious. This is me loving those who are entrusted to me. Those within my little flock will always come first. <br />
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I can promise you this, if someone does breach the border of my front door uninvited, and with malicious intent, they will not meet a passivist they will meet two fierce parents who would rather sacrifice their own lives, or end someone else's, than allow their children to be harmed. <br />
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<b>Bottom line is this. Loving parents do what they can to protect their kids. Good shepherds protect their flocks. A responsible government protects it's citizens. That is first priority.</b><br />
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In the past few days people are spouting all kinds of smugly absurd things all over social media. One of the most troubling patterns I see are those people scrambling to deflect, distract from, or downplay the actions of the vile terrorists who massacred roughly 130 unsuspecting people. Many more were injured. The world, especially those who live fairly insulated lives in the west, doesn't know what to do with that.<br />
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<b>My theory is that people pretend violent Islamic jihadism isn't a threat because they don't know how to reconcile that sort of barbaric undeniable evil with a humanistic world view that claims everyone is essentially good. </b>When something unimaginable happens they scramble to prop up rhetoric, like a corps with rigamortus. Anything but call it what it is. Anything but look evil squarely in the eyes. Anything but believe that there are people in the world, who with a clear mind and passionate sense of purpose, have schemed, studied and planned ways to brutalize people they hate.<br />
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Christian doctrine accounts for that kind of evil. It angers and saddens me, but it doesn't pull the carpet out from under my assumptions or beliefs about humanity. We contend with sin, while proclaiming God's extravagant mercy and scandalous grace available to the vilest repentant sinner. We don't pretend evil doesn't exist. We also don't pretend it doesn't exist in our very own hearts as well.<br />
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Denying how deeply depraved humanity is, is a false sense of security. Metaphorically speaking, it's not us with our secured front doors and careful screening of babysitters that are clinging to false control, it's those of you who pretend that at is well while you "lovingly" welcome the devil into your children's bedrooms. <br />
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Some cling to the hope that they can appeal to, appease, and reason with stone hearts and blind eyes. I believe heart transformation is something only God can do.<br />
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Some move forward with the hope that if they can make evil small, manageable or explainable...then they can prevent those horrible things from happening.<br />
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This world will be dangerous and unsafe as long as it continues to spin.<br />
My hope doesn't begin or end here.<br />
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I have the assurance that, despite the raging chaos in the hearts and minds of mankind, Jesus is still on the throne. Our God is sovereign and He is both the beginning and the end.<br />
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Terrorist don't win, Jesus does.<br />
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Until that day, I will continue to have open arms and a secure door. <br />
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<br /><br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-38475613132249588922015-11-08T16:53:00.002-06:002021-02-10T14:02:21.372-06:00If your church's only response to the orphan crises is sending groups to an orphanage, there is a problem. <div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
I'll explain the strange title of this post eventually, but first I want to tell you about something we had the privilege to witness.<br />
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">Last night our church family rallied together to help bring a beautiful 11 year old girl home. She is currently in an orphanage in China and has cerebral palsy. The family leaves next week! This is a complete miracle and amazing story in itself. From their first home study visit to their travel time was 3 months. That's crazy fast enough to leave their heads spinning and funds drained. </span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">All we did was organize the fun</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; line-height: 19.32px;">d raiser...it was everyone else that showed up with big hearts and open hands. We had 72 people show up for the steak night dinner. I'm not sure of the exact total amount collected was since there were some donations in envelopes and some that came later but over $5500 was raised. That's not bad for one small church family and a handful of other family friends. We had dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, we could come away from the evening with $2000 to give this family. </span></div>
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God is so good. </div>
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I know I belong to a very generous church family that lives out the gospel they preach but sometimes I'm still just blown away. The room was packed with young families living pay check to pay check, college students, immigrants, other adoptive and foster families, limited income retired folks, some who have more, some who have less..... all came to joyfully give, knowing all they have comes from and belongs to the Lord.</div>
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This is Jesus' people.<br />
I'm brought to tears over it still.</div>
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<b>Not everyone can adopt or foster but everyone who takes the name of Christ has a role in caring for our worlds most vulnerable.</b></div>
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Now we are all excited to welcome this newest child home, and welcome her into our church family. </div>
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My heart is swollen from last nights display of love and generosity. My heart still constantly aches for all the children still waiting to be loved. <span style="line-height: 19.32px;">Two very conflicting emotions that leave me inspired and driven to keep beating this same drum that <b>all children deserve to be safe, protected and loved.</b></span><br />
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I will be living out that mantra, and waving that flag, until the day Jesus takes me home.</div>
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I've written about orphan care in the past and how I think that the Church needs to do better than we have. That's not to say that churches around the globe aren't mobilized and filled with people who are bringing children into their homes, speaking on behalf of the voiceless, and working tirelessly to affirm the value of each child's life but there is still a long way to go, a lot of Christians sitting on the sidelines, and one specific paradigm that needs to shift. </div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">Please take some time to watch this documentary on orphan care methods and how we can address the crises of so many vulnerable children wasting away in institutions, bouncing around foster care, or at risk of abandonment due to poverty. Please listen as experts in orphan care from around the world discuss their dream of a complete paradigm shift in how we, as the Church living out the gospel within local church communities, care for vulnerable children. </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b>The dream is that orphanages would become a relic of history and that every child would have a family of their own.... Preserving their own biological family unit, placement with a close relative, or a permanent loving adoptive family or guardianship.</b></span><br />
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The practice of putting kids into orphanages stopped a long time ago in North America. How can we justify exporting, or even just supporting, that outdated and harmful method of childcare to other nations?</div>
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Warehousing kids just needs to stop. Although I don't want to focus as much on the mantra that orphanages need to close as much as we need to challenge our brothers and sisters around the globe to step up to the plate and care for vulnerable children. Children need a family. Period. That's the way God designed children to be raised. </div>
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I couldn't agree more <span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">passionately with this video regarding orphan prevention and permanency.</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif" style="color: #141823; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><b>The Church needs to be on the front lines of "best practice" when it comes to caring for at risk children.... not a century behind clinging to detrimental residential orphan care practices. </b></span></div>
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Residential, institutionalized child care is fraught with so many problems. Even the "good""reputable""Christian" ones. Whether we call it a group home, a children's home, or an orphanage it's all still various shades of the same spectrum. This documentary discusses many of the problems that come with residential orphan care. They're right. As an adoptive parent, a mother who has been fostering for 8 years, and former orphanage staff I whole heartedly agree. </div>
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I've seen these issues played out before me while I lived and worked at an orphanage. Every problem addressed in this video, and all the problems I addressed in my <a href="http://carlaburlando.blogspot.ca/2013/11/how-to-screw-up-orphan-care-in-name-of.html#.Vj_kCWSrRFQ">blog post here </a>were a major problems there. My own observations, and experiences, are not at all isolated but normative with institutionalized care. The more I inquire, talk to people, observe "aged out" children, and study orphan care methods the more I'm utterly convinced of this. </div>
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As Christians we need to do better. We need to do better with our money and the ministry/orphan care models we choose to support. I would even dare to suggest that in many cases our well intentioned donations to "orphan care" ministries actually make the orphan crises worse. </div>
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We must not do nothing....but doing something wrong isn't acceptable. </div>
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This is a discussion those who care about vulnerable children need to be having. These are changes that must be made in the way we think about caring for children. </div>
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In Canada we have a dark stain in our history. It's called "residential schools". I think there was some shred of good intention that created them but they are a tragic example of why institutions raising children is a horribly devastating idea. Of course there are some differences between Canadian First Nations children being taken from their families and placed into residential boarding schools and current orphanages around the world but many of the motives, methods, and harmful consequences overlap. In Canada, the effects of that breaking up of family units still lingers. When a system decides that children who are perhaps living in poverty or who may be lacking educational opportunities with their families of origin, would be better off living in an orphanage, group home, or other institution....something vital has been missed in the equation. Children must have love, nurture, stability and a family to call their own. Without that any food, clothing and education means nothing.</div>
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Taking (or luring) children from vulnerable families to fill up orphanages or residential schools is reprehensible. Of course there are occasions when a child is being abused, severely neglected, or is totally abandoned. Not every biological parent is able to parent. As a foster parent, I know the painful reality of this well. <b>When dealing with real world brokenness and vulnerable children there are no real cut and dry answers but rather a lot of nuanced partial remedies to complicated and tragic individual circumstances. </b></div>
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What we <b>do</b> know needs to remain constant as we weave our way through the mess of this sin wrecked world, proclaiming life and redemption into the darkest corners. </div>
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<b>Children need families</b>. They need to belong and they need to be loved. That's foundational to every aspect of child development. That's how God designed children. That's why he instituted family. </div>
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There is something new happening within the church, and in many countries that are beginning to realize that something must change. Fledgling foster programs are beginning in places like Mexico and Belize as well as around the globe. <b>The Church needs to be on the front lines of those changes. </b> Local national churches must be taught, equipped and challenged to view children differently. They are not someone else's problem...they are ours. </div>
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The North American Church, where so many resources exist, needs to consider how we can care for "orphans" in our own cities as well as how we can help globally. <br />
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We must evaluate where our North American resources are going and pursue ethical movements to keep children in families of origin, or to have them placed within a healthy, loving family units. Let's choose to support families that are on the front lines of new in-home, family based initiatives in developing nations. <br />
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<b>If your church's only response to the orphan crises is sending groups on mission trips to an orphanage there is a problem. </b><br />
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It's not malicious, just short sighted and narrowly focused. You may be missing out on so many opportunities to create a culture within your church that proclaims that every child deserves a family. The Church must affirm a self sacrificing, gospel centered, willingness to open our own homes as well as support adoptive and fostering families. <br />
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Children are worth it. They are worth getting out of our comfort zone for. It's important enough to ask the hard questions and dig for answers. </div>
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<br /><br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-29387568391476465122015-10-28T21:41:00.004-06:002021-02-10T14:02:32.010-06:00Don't wait for perfect.<br />
An acquaintance recently wrote to me, shared her heart for adoption as well as some of her own fears. She shared with me why it seems crazy that she would be longing to adopt, when she already has a busy household and all the normal struggles of life, I assured her that I could relate to most every point she made. <br />
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For some reason people look at adoptive families...or families that are doing something out of the ordinary, and think they must be some sort of saints or super family. As strange as it seems some people may even think that about us. Those who know us well may have just spit their coffee out all over their computer screen in laughter. <br />
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I think it's human nature to put other families or people up on pedestals. I know I do that. There are always families, especially online, who appear to have it all together and in comparison my messy house, tangly haired kids, and drained bank account seem really inadequate. Comparison can be a horrible trap. When you hold an unattainable standard up, like a just out of reach carrot that needs to be obtained before you decide to surrender the reigns and say "Yes" to a child in need of love...you may miss out.<br />
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There are families who just seem to float through life on rainbows and pixie dust. They do family devotions and the children actually listen. They eat every Pinterest meal together with well mannered children having delightful conversations. They actually play board games and like it. You're pretty sure their children have never thrown tantrums or said naughty words. My theory is that most of that is an illusion whether created intentionally or simply assumed by onlookers.<br />
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If my family is anything it's a testament to the fact that God uses very imperfect people to accomplish his perfect will. He is the skilled marksman who can hit a bulls eye with a crooked arrow. We just trust that he is shaping us, these broken arrows, as we are willing to be used. <br />
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Every day I fail. I get impatient. I battle selfishness and laziness. I get discouraged. I'm a flake when I should be consistent. I overreact in anger when I should be modelling grace. Occasionally I resort to making parenting decisions out of pride or embarrassment. Fairly often I wonder why God would think I'm fit to raise any child, never mind children born to another woman. Sometimes I'm almost crippled with the enormity of the responsibility of that. <br />
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If I let my mind wander among the "what ifs" I can become paralyzed with fear. Fear that I will fail at this task. The irony is that even in that fear I'm elevating myself. That fear exposes pride. I'm taking on a role that is not mine to assume. These little ones, they belong to the hands that created them. I am just stewarding their little hearts, minds and bodies as best I can. It IS a huge responsibility but He has the final word in their lives, not me.<br />
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Daily I have to trust that God's grace will meet me where I am and fill in all those spaces where I so desperately lack. I choose to trust that God is sovereign and that the Holy Spirit is at work in the hearts of my children guiding and drawing them in. My job is to obey and trust that he loves them more than I do.<br />
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Any redemptive story that happens behind these walls is His work. I'm like the three year old with a plastic hammer "helping" her Daddy build a garage. He has invited me into this work, not because of my stellar parenting skills or because I'm especially needed, but because it is His good purpose and joy to do it. His joy has become my own.<br />
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So to the ones who long to someday open their homes to children in need of family but feel that they must first reach some new stratosphere of holiness, or have a perfect marriage, or have a nicer home, or make more money, or discover the key to being a flawless parent.... rest assured that the One who ignited that burning desire deep in your soul is faithful. He is the one who will make orphans sons and daughters. Jesus is the rescuer and redeemer. You are the three year old with the plastic hammer. Waiting and hoping for a shiner plastic hammer really doesn't' make that much difference. Just be willing to join the Father in His work and stay close by his side. <br />
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<br /><br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-23004207038945867652015-10-24T17:24:00.002-06:002021-02-10T14:03:01.532-06:00It's been a while<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is definitely the longest "break" I have ever had from blogging. </div>
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The neglect wasn't planned or even anticipated but somehow it just happened. </div>
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The more time that goes by the less this little corner of cyber space seems like any sort of a priority. Writing for the sake of writing starts to feel like a luxury I can't afford. </div>
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It ends up at the bottom of the list...the to-do list that I never quite get to the bottom of. Far below the mountain of laundry, the never ending meals that need to be made, the pulling a toddler out of the toilet, and every other little responsibility that keeps this family from sinking into filth and debauchery. </div>
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My last post was about our foster daughters 1st birthday. She is now a year an a half old and a delightful, spunky and very active toddler. She has a mind of her own, knows what she wants, and is always on the move. She keeps me hopping literally 24 hours a day (no, she does not sleep through the night). I think this is part of my absence. There is now a brief window of time...that glorious time of day called "nap time", that I have to accomplish many things that are hard to accomplish with my very eager little "helper". </div>
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Today I'm using that golden moment in time for writing this. It feels very delectable and extravagant. Like sneaking a chunk of dark chocolate into my bedroom and eating it alone while kids whine outside the locked door. </div>
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I now have about 5 minutes before the school busses arrive and the rest of the crew descends with their stacks of papers, backpacks, lunch bags, homework and noise. </div>
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So...this post may take a few days. Or weeks.</div>
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This is a quick recap of the last several months. The main reason I blog is to keep a running journal of our family life. I have begun printing out different years of my blog into hard copy blog books. Someday I like to imagine my grandkids or great grandkids flipping though the pages of these thoughts and photos. I think it would be cool to have something like that from my own childhood or from the lives of my great grandparents. Plus I enjoy it. I forget how much I enjoy writing until I sit back down at the keyboard to do it. My constant blabbering about stuff on Facebook really only lets the steam off the top of the kettle. </div>
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First an update on this sweet girl.</div>
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She is still with us. That is not something we take for granted even for a day.</div>
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Our journey with her has been a wilder ride than I anticipated. It has been more of an emotional roller coaster than any child we have had in our care. She has been scheduled to leave our home twice. The first I wrote about a year ago and the most recent being just this fall. Both placement plans fell through. It's hard to even describe the extreme emotional lows and highs involved in that. The constant uncertainty has taken it's toll in many ways, but getting to be a part of her life is worth every minute of stress. </div>
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She's worth the extra worry lines, grey hairs and ulcer. </div>
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She's not doing this hard story alone. </div>
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This hard story is also amazingly beautiful and it's an immense privilege to be a part of.</div>
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She is so very loved.</div>
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Onto the rest of the family.</div>
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Spring began with me doing this.</div>
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It was fun and I would totally do it again. I had signed up for the "Dirty Donkey Run" (a 5k race filled with obstacles and mud) several months earlier in the dead of winter. Some cousins of mine were forming a team and it sounded like good motivation to start running again. What sounds like a good idea in January is a little scarier when you actually have to do it. I had been running a bit but by the time the weekend rolled around I was in no mood to go anywhere or do anything. We had just heard a couple days before the race that Annie would be leaving our family. After over a year in our home that unexpected news hit like a freight train. In the days that followed simply breathing seemed like excessive and cruel work. I was in a fog as I packed our trailer and we headed to a campground to join a group of my cousins and others on my team. </div>
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I was surprised to discover that it was exactly what I needed. A huge distraction. Something just for me. Something FUN. I needed fun. My life is a lot of things but "fun" isn't always on the menu. </div>
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Summer brought with it plenty of time at the beach and lots of time in the garden.<br />
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Annie LOVED the beaches. She was as happy as she could be playing in the sand and water all day. A perfect place for a clever, curious, sensory stimulation seeking toddler to explore. </div>
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We had a family reunion at my parents farm. A highlight was the giant back yard slip and slide.</div>
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We went to family camp for a week. The same camp we have gone to for several years. </div>
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My nephew and sister in-law came up for a month. A tradition we've carried on for 6 years in a row. </div>
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I got my hair cut. Short! </div>
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It was time for a change. Something to spruce me up a bit. </div>
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My little garden helper.</div>
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Happy beach girl.</div>
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Our big kids did quite a few back yard campfires this summer. The giant pile of dirt is from the hole where our new basement bedroom will be. More on that later.</div>
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This kid turned 12. </div>
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Seriously.</div>
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One of her favorite things about family camp. Icecream every day. </div>
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My summer project. It was bigger this year and produced a lot. </div>
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The main thing we did this summer is tear apart our house. </div>
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It's an old farm house that was moved into our little town a few owners ago. </div>
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It really needed some major renovations.</div>
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We had put them off for too long already so this year we decided to go for it. </div>
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As we tore in we discovered quite a lot of rot, and even some fire damage that we knew nothing about. Any doubts about splurging for the renos were quickly erased once we saw how bad the damaged areas were. </div>
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<b>Phase one</b>: <i>tear off existing siding, replace all the old windows, rebuild rotten parts of the wall, house wrap, insulate, put on new siding, shingle the roof. </i></div>
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I guess step one would be go to the bank and re-mortage our house. Thankfully we have quite a lot of equity after 13 years of living here. </div>
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I'm also thankful that I have a very handy carpenter husband who is able to do the work himself. We did hire out the roof job to save on time. Summer is only so long here in SK. </div>
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Having a construction zone inside my home was a bit of a challenge with a busy toddling baby. We survived phase one though. </div>
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I kid you not. Our house was only insulated with old sawdust and horse hair. Real 70 year horse hair was what was insulating the old wooden windows. Saw dust was our barrier from -40 degree Celsius Saskatchewan winter. No wonder there was a windchill factor inside our home! I'm hoping that our heating bill appreciates the effort. </div>
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This is how it looked after putting on the new roof, new windows and new insulation around the entire outside of the house. I'm looking forward to a much less drafty house this winter. </div>
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Phase 2 of the project is to build an addition onto the back of the house (also paint all the existing rooms and put window trim back on). It will include a basement bedroom and a dining room above. A dining room that will fit a table that fits our family! </div>
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I'm super excited about that. </div>
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My beautiful daughter turned 14.</div>
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This guy had his 9th birthday.</div>
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My biggest and littlest girls taking an afternoon nap after a few hours of picking tomatoes.</div>
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This fall all the munchkins started public school. </div>
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I will write more about that at some later date.</div>
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I still love the ideal and philosophy of home based education. I really liked, and even preferred, the curriculum options and the freedom it afforded us as a family.....but the trade off was my sanity and children' misery. </div>
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There are pros and cons to both and we've always only ever been committed to do what we think will help our child best learn and thrive. As kids grow and change their needs grow and change. As our family grows and changes our collective needs change as well. So here we are. All the kids back in school with Cece attending Kindergarten half time (every other day). </div>
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With Harvest, renos and bringing in the garden (including hundreds of lbs of tomatoes to can) ...and a very busy toddler, I haven't noticed a huge amount of "me time" opening up....but I'm hopeful that as winter settles in I can do some things that I've been putting off. Maybe even writing on this little old blog more than twice a year. </div>
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Now that I'm on the topic I may as well keep myself accountable. Here are a few winter goals....other than paint every room in our house. </div>
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1) I want to make some more digital photo books. I've been trying to get all our family trip photos into actual hard copy books. A book for each new and old adventure. I also need to do a baby album for Annie. I love the finished products but it's very time consuming. </div>
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2) I want to work on my Spanish. I bought a Rosetta Stone and need to commit a certain amount of time to studying. I'm hopeful someday we will return to our friends in Mexico and I really need to improve my communication skills. It's hard to find time without a million interruptions though. </div>
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3) I need to go to the dentist. That totally counts as me time. I could also add "shower every day"..... Moms of little ones get it. </div>
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4) Write more. Because I enjoy it. </div>
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Here are my Lovies growing up super fast.</div>
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They are all doing great at school and enjoying it. They're happy. I'm happy. Most of the time I'm not feeling like a complete homeschool failure...or a completely inadequate mother. We're cool.<br />
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The house with new windows, insulation and siding. </div>
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Now we are working (and by "we" I mean my very talented husband) on phase II. This is a large basement bedroom and a dining room. It will make our living room and new dining room one large room with plenty of space for a big table. Our current dining area is very tight. It's just a little bigger than our small table (that doesn't fit all of us) and we push it up against the wall when we aren't using it. I can't wait until we have a big old table with plenty of elbow room....and room for things like serving dishes. That sounds super fancy. </div>
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Harvest 2015 is over and the grain is in the bins. Harvest went late this year and many of our friends have not yet finished. We are thankful.</div>
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A family that threshes grain together stays together....right?</div>
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Our updated family photo. With a certain little girl's face covered. </div>
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You'll have to trust me when I say she's beautiful. </div>
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With that I shall end this long post. Hopefully we shall meet here again before next spring.<br /><br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-50142728034450679542015-04-24T21:53:00.000-06:002015-04-24T21:58:41.354-06:00365 Days, Happy Birthday my Darling girl. One year.<br />
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It's been a year since you left your mothers womb and were welcomed into this big scary outside world. The circumstances surrounding that day are mostly fuzzy to me, and even if they weren't, I wouldn't share those sacred details here. What I do know is that you were a tiny very vulnerable little girl, not quite ready for this hostile world, but yet God's plan for your life began to unfold. <br />
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Despite being born from and into less than ideal circumstances your life was preserved and protected. Your life has value and purpose and is not an accident. When I think about the day of your birth I ache for the woman who carried you.<br />
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When I laid eyes on you at just one week old, weighing just a little over 4 lbs and hooked to various tubes, wires, and monitors I fell in love. I will never forget that moment when we first met. I was instructed to wear a paper gown and gloves, an uncomfortable barrier between your skin and mine, and was encouraged to take you into my arms.<br />
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You astonished me with your strength, trying so hard to hold up your own little head and look around. I spent the next week either sitting and holding you while you slept, or longing to be at the hospital sitting and holding that tiny raven haired girl. You needed to know that you weren't alone in the world. You weren't alone in this world. You have never been alone.<br />
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At two weeks old a case worker drove you out to your new home, and you arrived looking so hilariously tiny in your baby carseat. All your siblings were so obnoxiously eager to meet you. You have been fiercely loved by each one of them every moment since. <br />
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Every day, since the moment we first met, you have been our delight. I can't even express what an incredible privilege it has been to be your family these past 12 months. We are technically "just" your foster family, but in every way that matters we have been a family. A real family.<br />
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There was a time when I grieved over the fact that we wouldn't get to witness this birthday milestone and know your little toddler personality. Now I revel in each moment of it.<br />
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Your 1st Birthday is such a sweet celebration. A celebration of this amazing little girl that was so wonderfully created.<br />
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I don't know what our future holds my Darling but I do know that we have poured as much love and nurture into each day as is humanly possible. You deserved nothing less from us. It has been our absolute joy.<br />
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My sweet girl, we have today...and 364 yesterdays. <br />
God holds tomorrow.<br />
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Even if I don't know what sorts of joys or sorrows tomorrow will bring I trust that He is good and that He has a loving purpose in it all. <br />
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So we continue to trust and pray and sing -<br />
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<i>"Jesus loves me this I know</i></div>
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<i>For the Bible tells me so.</i></div>
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<i>Little ones to Him belong</i></div>
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<i>They are weak but He is strong"</i></div>
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At 12 months old you are full of life and and mischief. You have a nearly constant smile on your face and a quick bubbling giggle. I don't think I've ever known a baby to have such a well developed sense of humour. You love to play games and make us laugh. You are joy, sweetness and innocence in one squishy little bundle. Your curiosity and feisty tenacity keep me on my toes, and keep us all cheering as you try out new things with that "check this out" grin. </div>
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At 12 months old your hobbies include pulling books off the book shelf, running water out of the drinking water jug onto the floor, snatching (and using) the ipod or phones where ever they are carelessly set down, splashing in the toilet, taking baths, searching for tasty Legos, and emptying kitchen cupboards. </div>
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Mostly you like to play with and soak up attention from anyone in the room. </div>
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At 12 months old you have 6 adorable little teeth and are a good eater. You weigh 20 lbs and have the sweetest little squishy legs. </div>
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You aren't walking yet but you cruise along the furniture like a pro, and crawl like you're trying to win a race. You are adventurous and ambitious but have a sensible cautious streak. You have just begun to stand alone...holding both hands up in the air, with a huge smile on your face and an expression that says "Hey guys, look what I can do!"<br />
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You love to give hugs, snuggles, and smushy kisses. We are all eager recipients of your generous affection. Your happy place is still curled up in my arms with a bottle. This happy place usually puts you to sleep. In fact you enjoy this so much you wake at least a couple times a night for a midnight snuggle (last night it was six times ...which reminds me that we need to renegotiate this whole night time snuggle thing). As exhausting as our midnight rendezvous have become, I will remember them fondly in the years to come. That quiet house has belonged to just us. We have brought up a years worth of sunrises together. It is a bit ironic that one of my biggest apprehensions in taking a newborn was lost sleep (I'm really quite attached to sleeping through the night), but here we are 1 later and you've slept through the night about 3 times. That makes me laugh, and cry...because I wouldn't trade you for all the peaceful nights and late mornings in the world. </div>
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You and Daddy have your own sweet relationship too. You have him all wrapped up around your finger. He would do anything for you. You get so happy when he comes home from work, and burst out in a breathy excited laugh anytime the phone rings because you expect his voice to come out of it.<br />
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Precious Annie, you are loved. Endlessly loved.<br />
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You are loved as much as any parent has ever loved a child, even if we have no actual right to call your ours.<br />
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When you strip away all the titles, qualifiers, prefixes, and legalities we are just "Mommy" and "Daddy". We are family, not born of blood or even legal documents, but because we are in this together.<br />
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We are so thankful to be a part of your life and to watch you grow.<br />
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Love Mommy<br />
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<br />Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-21876333033710483352015-03-26T18:21:00.001-06:002015-03-26T18:33:04.114-06:00Annie - 11 Months<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sweet baby girl is 11 months now. </div>
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I pulled out my camera to do a little photo shoot. Although my photography skills are sorely lacking, I've been trying to take pictures each month to mark each precious milestone.</div>
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As you can see she's a delightful bundle of energy. She's clever, curious and full of personality. Annie has a quick smile, a contagious giggle and a surprisingly well developed sense of humour. She is an absolute doll and I enjoy each and every day we have with her. </div>
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She is very relational and affectionate. Her hugs and kisses are the sweetest thing ever. She has a special relationship with each one of her siblings and they absolutely adore her. </div>
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She is a very quick crawler and cruises along the furniture on her feet. At 11 months she has six cute little teeth. She is also starting to climb. This girl has always been strong and agile but as she enters the toddler stage that physical ability and ambition is really keeping me on my toes!</div>
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I seriously can't believe she is at this point already. We really didn't think we'd get to celebrate these milestones with her. </div>
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It's nearly been a year since that tiny 4 lb girl came into our home. </div>
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Oh, how dearly we love her. What a privilege it has been to be her family and her home during this first year of her life. We don't know yet what the future will hold for her or us, but we thank God for each month that she's been a part of our lives. </div>
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Annie, you are such a precious little girl. You constantly amaze us and keep us laughing. </div>
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You are so loved. </div>
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/196/89E3C0B69935CD66A6C03FB8C3D5ECEF.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-35609100830017821222015-03-25T13:28:00.000-06:002015-03-25T17:04:40.021-06:00A Rant a Day Keeps the Straight Jacket Away - ADHD edition. Have you ever heard the saying "A rant a day keeps the straight jacket away"? No?<br />
That's because I just made it up now.<br />
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You know how, in my previous post, I suggested that exhausted mom's find something they enjoy doing and make time for it? It turns out that my new hobby is ranting about stuff that threatens to steal my last shred of sanity.<br />
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I'm only kidding. Sort of. <br />
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Today's rant is about crap we find on the internet and spread around as if it's actually real information. I find the biggest culprits of this sort of thing are supposed natural health websites that are often simply PR for selling "natural" products. It's a racket. What I despise about it other than the quackery peddled is the constant fear mongering. Big Pharma, vaccinations, GM food...the list goes on and on. If you can create a big bad enemy to fear and disdain, people will open their wallets to the alternatives that you are peddling. Rather than getting into all the specifics of various positions on the above issues...which could end with my being chased by an internet lynch mob, I 'm going to focus on one particular issue that keeps popping up all over the internet.<br />
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ADHD and how "fictitious" it is. Often mixed together with obscure and confusing claims about "big pharma" and how it's all just a money grab (even though these very same sites are peddling their own products marketed to fear and desperation). Too often I see the claim that ALL mood disorders and psychiatric conditions are made up. Tell that to someone with clinical depression, OCD, or bipolar disorder. I don't think it's very helpful to suggest to someone who has schizophrenia or some other very serious and complex psychiatric condition that "big pharma" is just trying to take their money and they should go off their meds. In fact that's just plain ludicrous and dangerous. In fact it makes me wonder who is sponsoring and creating these web sites. So much of the "psychiatric conditions are all fictitious" nonsense sounds an awful lot like the whack cult of Scientology. If not directly linked there is similar ignorant and dangerous information being spread.<br />
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Can we please, PLEASE, stop stigmatizing people? Their parents? and the families of these kids? So much of this stuff merely heaps suspicion, and scorn upon parents who decide to use medication to help their child. This is sometimes literally a matter of life and death. It's the difference between seeing your child suffer and slip away, and seeing them thrive. Can we please stop alienating and guilting parents who are in the trenches and dealing with stuff that most other parents have absolutely no clue about?<br />
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There are people who live with invisible disabilities, disorders, and conditions that most of the population knows nothing about. I would suggest that unless you live with one of these conditions yourself, or live in a home filled with an alphabet soup of quirks and disorders, that you proceed with humility and gentleness when it comes to judging the validity of these disorders and coming up with your own theories as to what causes them. <br />
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I can assure you that ADHD is not caused by my imagination, lack of parenting structure and effort, lack of discipline, or a poor diet (although without a doubt those things can aggravate what is already there).<br />
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I would guarantee that most every parent that uses medication for a child with ADHD has tried EVERYTHING else, every behaviour modification technique, every fad diet, every nutritional supplement, every form of discipline, read many books, talked to professionals....and are at the end of their rope. We are not imagining something that consumes every aspect of our daily life.<br />
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If I was going to imagine something I would imagine myself on the beach alone with a good book. <br />
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I get it. I get that people are skeptical because <i>"back when we were kids no one was diagnosed with ADHD"</i>. It's true. You just called them stupid, retard, imbecile, incorrigible, space cadet and trouble maker. Instead of understanding how that child is wired, seeking to appreciate their uniqueness and gifts and trying to better equip that child to thrive and function in a one size fits all society...kid were given up on, ridiculed, kicked out of school, and pushed to the edges of society. The same thing goes for kids now known to be on the Autism spectrum. A few decades ago they were just called weird and antisocial. Kids on the lower functioning end of the spectrum were hidden away in institutions.<br />
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So is the "label" of ADHD any worse that what we have historically used to label these children? We categorize and label anyway...why not do it with some accuracy and understanding? I honestly care very little about the label or ever term ADHD, it's the understanding, equipping, resources, and support that come with that diagnosis that is <strike>helpful</strike> a life line to a parent.<br />
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I don't have the time or patience to describe what actually goes on inside the brain of a child with ADHD, or the specifics of behaviour, but I will say that it is not "made up". I could go into how it's almost always genetically linked and runs in families along with other closely linked psychiatric and mood disorders (as does ASD)....but I wont' because this is a simple rant and not a scientific essay on the topic. Its easy enough to research.<br />
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I get that it's over diagnosed by some family doctors who likely aren't qualified to diagnose the disorder or who are in fact getting kick backs by drug companies. I get that "drugging" our kid shouldn't be the first line of action or response to every behavioural issue. Those things seem fairly obvious. Trust me when I say scrutinizing, self doubt, and questioning everything you are told is just standard procedure when it comes to parenting a child with any...quirks. You are not enlightening parents because we have already gone over every possible cause, possible misdiagnosis, remedy, cure, technique, and diet change with a fine toothed comb. <br />
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ADHD is not a disease. I don't even like the term "disorder". It's just an acronym of words that is used to categorize kids that all have similar traits and struggles. It's part of their wiring and sometimes that wiring makes parts of their life really really difficult. These are also kids who have extraordinary personalities, gifts and creativity. They are unique, vivacious, bright and curious kids who don't fit the mould our society tries to shove them into. That doesn't mean that they don't have some very real struggles that other kids don't have. When we minimize and invalidate those struggles we also invalidate and hold in a sort of contempt the very people who need our understanding and compassion. <br />
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My advice is to be careful not to judge kids and parents, because you never know what is going on behind the scenes. Be careful what you read on the internet and instead of taking it as gospel truth, seek out some actual families who deal with invisible challenges like ADHD, OCD , FASD, RAD, PTSD, ASD or SPD and ask them about it. If you don't know what those acronyms are you probably don't have the expertise to be deciding what you think of them. It's too easy to make quick judgements about things we don't understand and have no personal experience with. I know I did exactly that regarding things like ADHD before I plummeted neck deep into parenting it. <br />
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Now, if you have shared, believed, liked and proclaimed some of the stuff I've just ranted about please don't think I'm singling you out, or picking on you. I am not offended by goofy ignorant internet websites and articles...simply because I'm thick skinned and my feelings on the topic don't actually matter. What matters is the whether what's being written about has merit or not. At best silly articles can open a discussion and maybe just maybe someone in the trenches will poke their head up and say "hey, wait a minute...that's total crap. Come and live in my house for a few days."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt6s8SvYSd4jWsXpSLFz96eAVrXjEqsRxkf8CAZzaGG5eeDhxUdXZG83YY0YNEPE7TqXc3x5zu-0daMjlnt4nkWa7YgpoFQLIqw4DVjwqe8rCiqspLAszqEtSN4rVDPoHX_RqVv9D6ojc/s1600/snake-oil-salesman-big.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt6s8SvYSd4jWsXpSLFz96eAVrXjEqsRxkf8CAZzaGG5eeDhxUdXZG83YY0YNEPE7TqXc3x5zu-0daMjlnt4nkWa7YgpoFQLIqw4DVjwqe8rCiqspLAszqEtSN4rVDPoHX_RqVv9D6ojc/s1600/snake-oil-salesman-big.jpg" height="320" width="267" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/196/89E3C0B69935CD66A6C03FB8C3D5ECEF.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5891983480820728700.post-49547590095630358422015-03-24T19:06:00.001-06:002015-03-25T09:29:52.687-06:00An Exhausted Mom's Survival Guide<br />
Self Care is a topic I have very little natural interest in. In all honesty any time I hear people talking about "self care" I think about Oprah type motivational speakers, or ladies ministry groups painting flower pots and I want to gag. <br />
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I realize it may seem odd to make that assertion and then proceed to write about the topic. <br />
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I find in our culture today we are inundated with "self". We are implored to love ourselves more, to exult ourselves higher, and to put our own needs ahead of those around us. It's everywhere, even drilled into every child via innocent cartoon characters. <i>"Just follow your heart"</i> and <i>"Believe in yourself"</i> are the theme of most every children's program I overhear my little one's watching. After a while I just find it nauseating. Self love, self esteem, self preservation, self glory self...self...self...me..me...me...blah...blah...blah.<br />
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We are raising generations of completely delusional, hyper-sensitive, narcissistic nut balls who expect the world to validate and celebrate their every whim, desire or thought. Social media has only poured fuel on the fire of self worship. <br />
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Biblically speaking we are commanded to love others <i>as</i> we love ourselves. This is making the assumption that we already naturally love ourselves. We generally don't need to make it a goal or put any effort into it. We are selfish by nature. Even when we serve others we are tainted by self serving motives and hopes. If anything our problem is not a lack of self love but a distracting preoccupation with it. The command is to love others and love God.<br />
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Because I need regular reminders to set aside my own bent toward selfishness and self preoccupation I avoid most topics of "self" altogether. Simply because they often wander down that trail.<br />
I'm convinced that my own joy has little to do with how much comfort, luxury, and ease my life contains. I'm also convinced that rather than seek to focus on ourselves more, we are far more content when we get over ourselves.<br />
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<b>That being said as a caregiver to many small people, including children with various health considerations and special needs, I can't ignore the topic of self care altogether</b> <b>or lump it together with all the other nonsense. I've been trying to figure out what does a healthy concept of "self care" look like for me, while also being committed to caring for others?</b><br />
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I'm going to back up a little and let you in on what started me thinking about this topic. <br />
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In about November of last year I hit a wall. <br />
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I'm naturally a push through, tough it out, do the next thing, and take the next step kind of a person. I'm really great at ignoring flashing warning lights, making another cup of coffee, and muscling through. Tired is just a normal state of being when you have six children but cumulative months and years of stress, demands, sleep deprivation, and constant busyness had started to take their toll. I entered a new state of exhaustion that I could no longer afford to ignore and I had nothing left to push through with. I guess burning the candle at both ends only works until it melts and you burn your fingers on two flames. Then you have no choice but to drop what's left.<br />
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It's hard to explain unless you've been there. Completely drained to the dregs. I became so overwhelmed with the energy it took to just muddle through the day that anything extra expected of me was next to impossible. Just the thought of getting the kids out the door and into the car took more than I had to give, and anyone with kids knows there is always somewhere to go and something that needs to be done. I seriously felt like the gravity pull had increased exponentially and like I was walking knee deep in mud. <br />
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My mind was a fog, my spirit was dull, and my body was weak.<br />
Totally done.<br />
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So, that began my self assessment. I've always viewed my body as a sort of a functional machine. Something of value that was given to me as a gift and that I need to steward well. Clearly I wasn't doing a very good job. <br />
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In Hebrew there is a word "<i>Nephesh". <span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">{</span></i><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.5714302062988px;">soul, self, life, creature, person, appetite, mind, living being, desire, emotion, passion}</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.5714302062988px;">. </span> It encompasses what it is to be human. Our "nephesh" makes up our whole person. When any of those components of who we are is undernourished or wounded the others parts suffer as well. When multiple facets of who we are become drained we're in trouble. A downward spiral can happen relatively quickly and the more exhausted you become the less strength you have to pull up out of the nose dive. Sometimes all you've got left is a weak cry for help to a God who hears and knows. Weakness is not something that should be feared, in fact in understanding our own weakness we are made strong. My problem is remembering to stay connected to the one who will continually fill me as I pour myself out. I unwittingly cut myself off from the Creator of "nephesh" and the source of life. Before anything else I must nurture my affections for Him and remind myself of who I am.<br />
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I should clarify that I am naturally a very low maintenance girl. My idea of a manicure is using a pair of nail clippers when my nails start to get in the way. I have had a pedicure once in my 38 years of life. I get my hair cut and highlighted twice a year. I absolutely <b>hate</b> shopping. I'm not much for fashion, or dressing up, or beauty products, or going out on the town. I'm a home body who enjoys very simple pleasures. I think it's harder for people like me, those who don't require or expect much pampering to take care of themselves. My idea of "Self Care" may look very basic and unspectacular. But it's the basics that are essential. <br />
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Here are a few very simple things that can help pull us out of that nose dive of exhaustion and complete burnout. These may seem painfully obvious but sometimes the obvious needs to be said. I know I will need to review and assess on a regular basis.<br />
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1. <b>Rest</b>. This seems the most obvious but at the same time can feel the most impossible. There is a difference between getting much needed sleep and soul satisfying rest and rejuvenation. Sometimes we just desperately need alone time like lungs need oxygen, particularly if you're an introvert surrounded by hyperactive extroverts like I am. It's hard for my husband to understand this need since he is energized by being around other people. I need silence and peace. I need to wander and slide around in my own thoughts. I need to sit in silence and pray. I need to not be needed or beckoned by anybody every once in a while. I occasionally need to drink a cup of tea or coffee right to the bottom without having to warm it up in the microwave. To me that is restful. Maybe that's why I enjoy late evening when the house has gone quiet. Sadly this need for quiet aloneness competes with my even greater physical need for sleep.<br />
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2. <b>Sleep</b>. I generally feel guilty if I take a nap and consider it a waste of time but sometimes making a nap a priority is a necessity not a luxury. I'm horrible for putting myself to bed on time. Mainly because of #1. I so cherish that hour or two between when the kids are tucked away and when I drift off to sleep. Self discipline is helpful in this area, and too often self discipline is something I lack. As mothers we cannot control what our nights will be like because we are on call 24 hrs a day. That may mean waking with a baby every two hours for months on end. That may mean unexpected sickness, nightmares, wet beds, or children crawling into my bed and sticking their little feet in my face. Sleep is a precious commodity. It must be carefully guarded and sought after. Every once in a while us night owls need to force ourselves to go to bed early. Without sleep everything else starts to fall apart.<br />
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2. <b>Take care of the machine</b>. Basically, don't neglect basic maintenance. Go to the dentist. Get a physical and some blood work done if you chronically feel horrible and exhausted. Make (and keep) that chiropractor appointment if you are living with chronic back and neck pain. These are all things I added to my calendar this winter. I have had some health issues lingering for years that I have just never bothered to get to the bottom of. This advice can seem so obvious but I think it had been years since I had gone and got a check-up for only myself. It can be such an logistical inconvenience, if not next to impossible, to make appointments like these that they just get put off indefinitely. Too often it just doesn't seem worth it unless it's an emergency situation, but I can't take care of others very well if I don't take care of my own health. So much of our health is completely out of our control, but we should do what we can to maintain the gift of health we have been given. That leads into my next point.<br />
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3. <b>Nutrition</b>. It's a fact that a person who is chronically sleep deprived and exhausted will crave sugar and empty calories. The body is desperately trying to find fuel to keep moving. I can attest to this. When I'm feeling my most depleted my natural tendency is to reach for simple carb filled calories and caffeine in an attempt to soothe emotionally and find energy. This is part of the downward spiral that I have to resist. I now try to begin the day with a smoothie packed with nutrition rather than a quick piece of toast, bowl of cereal, or just a cup of coffee. It's a quick and easy way to sneak in stuff my body needs. Good nutrition doesn't need to be fancy, gimmicky, or expensive, Get some protein, even if it's a simple boiled egg at breakfast. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables. Make sure you get some healthy oils in your diet. Take some extra supplements if you feel you're lacking in certain nutrients (for example Calcium). Vitamin B supplements make a difference for me as far as energy goes. Make sure you're getting some iron rich foods. All of these little things can take a few extra minutes or some planning but you will feel better if your diet doesn't consist entirely of scraps off your preschoolers plate and chocolate stashes in your closet. <br />
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4. <b>Fresh air and movement</b>. For some reason this one is hard to do. Maybe it's because for several months out of the year I live cooped up in a house inside a giant dark freezer. Going out for "fresh air" is not that fun, and I hate the cold. Maybe it's because the thought of bundling a gaggle of little people up to go with me is overwhelming. Now that the weather has turned toward Spring I am trying to get out and go for a walk (usually pushing a stroller and corralling a five year old on a bike). It's not exactly a work out routine but it's a baby step toward feeling more alive. Now that the daylight is starting to stick around longer my goal is to go out after the Little's are in bed and start jogging again. Since my Junior High years I have been an on again off again runner. The "off" has mostly lasted for the past several years. I've always had good intentions to start up again but it wasn't until I broke my leg a year and a half ago that I really realized I had been taking my legs for granted and hadn't been using them to their best potential. Recovering from that injury forced me to become even more sedentary and then I kind of got used to not seeking out physical activity like I used to. It's a cycle I hope to break this Spring and I'm really hoping my formerly injured leg can keep up! If I can't run I at least want to do some brisk walking. Oh good Heavens, I sound old! Maybe I should take up shuffle board or horse shoes.<br />
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5. <b>Take time for something that you enjoy</b>. Something that recharges your batteries, something that makes you feel like more than just a "mom, something that relaxes, inspires or challenges you. The concept of an actual hobby actually illicits chortles of laughter inside me. It's right up there with sleeping in. It seems like a ridiculously wild and unrealistic dream but it doesn't have to be extravagant. What floats your boat? Take an art class, join a sports team, or go to a movie alone. Try doing crafts (that is SO not my idea of fun...but to each his own), writing, hiking, gardening, blogging, scrap booking (ACK! even writing that stresses me out), taking photos, visiting with friends, reading....it could be anything really. Find something that will make you feel like you, and make some guilt free time for it. Totally easier said than done though. With this one I really have to resist developing an attitude of entitlement or demand "me-time" when I need to be giving others my time. That attitude of entitlement to "me-time" can create life sucking resentment, impatience, and general grouchiness. That attitude doesn't foster peace, gratitude and generosity. So, we do need to carve out some time for simple pleasure and fun, but not at the expense of letting the truth of the gospel fill and refresh us as we continue to give of ourselves. That is a much stronger and less fleeting foundation. I find that the more I focus on "me-time" the more I resent anything that gets in the way of my little kingdom of self. <br />
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6. <b>Feed your mind and soul</b>. Keep learning, keep growing, and keep pushing forward into the grace fuelled sanctification process. Stretch your mind, learn to listen and discover new perspectives on various topics of interest. I'll be honest with you. Parenting turns my brain to mush. Maybe even literally. Some days I can't even remember my own phone number. We need to put something into our minds that will push out the Frozen song lyrics, and mind numbing chatter, and remind us that we are in fact adults. Read, study, and pray. When you don't have any moments to be still and quit, play music that will feed your soul or put on your headphones and listen to podcasts that will stretch your mind and nurture your affections for Christ. What we put into our hearts and minds is as important as what we put into our bodies. Guard it and feed it well. <br />
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7. <b>Accomplish something</b>. I know that adding something else to the forever looming unfinished "to-do" list doesn't sound like self care but after the previous things are taken care of, venturing into this goal can actually make a difference. Something small and doable. Something that has been hanging over your head, or something that you have never made time to do but would either enjoy doing or feel satisfied having done it. I'm not talking about the giant looming mountain of laundry that you never see the bottom of, or the endless rounds of dishes, or any other routinely mind numbing chore. Something outside of the usual. Something that actually has a start and a finish (unlike most other things we spend their time doing). Being a full time at home mom (which I realize is a rare thing these days) can leave me feeling like I accomplish nothing while at the same time always being busy. It can be psychologically draining and defeating after a while. So, whether it's refinishing a piece of antique furniture, planting some flowers, or cleaning out a closet, the feeling of accomplishment and a job well done might just put a spring in your step. This shouldn't be something to add to the weight of your oppressive list of things you failed to get done...if possible it should be something that you can escape into for a while and feel good about doing. An example of this is I recently took the time to put a few of our trips to Baja Mexico into My Publisher photo books. Precious family memories and digital photos were tucked away in an external hard drive and had never been put into any hard copy format that could be enjoyed. It was a bit tedious and time consuming but this was something I have been wanting to do for years. I thoroughly enjoyed sifting through old photos and creating something that would help preserve some great family memories.<br />
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8. <b>Change the scenery</b>. This will admittedly take some physical energy to pull off. Whether it's trading the sweat pants and T-shirt streaked with kid snot for some "I get to leave my house today" clothes and just going out for a cup of coffee, or going on a little family vacation, sometimes a change is as good as a break. Even if you have all your kids in tow. So often we just need to get away from the looming mess that is our house, the distraction of internet and phone calls, and the stress that our "to-do" list holds. We need to see new things, experience new places, and be reminded of so much beauty around us. We need to be reminded that we actually enjoy our children. Sometimes a change of location and scenery helps to clear our cloudy vision and mirky attitude.<br />
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9. <b>Make some changes</b>. Living in a constant state of stressed out exhaustion is not sustainable. It's not healthy or helpful. You may think you're pulling it off but the ulcer, high blood pressure, or weight fluctuation will expose our self deception. I believe we can live lives that are graciously poured out, used to their fullest, and filled with beautiful life giving sacrifices without being overwhelmed to the point of burn out. I'm not sure I have that equation figured out. Sometimes we just need to say "no" to more non essentials. We need to let go of some "good" things for something that is much better. Our kids don't need to be in every activity, sport, or lesson under the sun. Limiting extra curricular activities and commitments is an easy way to reclaim family time and some sanity. Be careful what you choose to volunteer for. We need to be willing to serve and minister to others but we need to be intentional and focused in how we use our time. I cannot be on every committee, attend every meeting, or join every club. This year we made some changes to our daily family dynamic and for the first time in 5 years we have all our school aged kids attending public school. It may be only for a year or two and we may have more home based educating in our future but this was a change we all needed. This isn't a post about homeschooling so I won't get into the details of that but after weighing some pros and cons the scales tipped into the favour getting some of the kids out of the house and into a <strike>respite</strike> school. So far it has been a positive year for everybody, and has made me thankful for the years we were able to spend investing into our kids at home. When it comes right down to it, you may just need to adjust your expections and standards. I love a clean and organized home, however I am outnumbered by 7 people who do not have that standard as their goal and, in fact, try their very hardest to create the opposite. Someday my house will be tidy and quiet. Until then, I won't waste my time and energy fretting over it all the time.<br />
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10. <b>Ask for help and accept offers of it</b>. I just plain suck at this one. Not gonna lie. That's why I put it the very last. What I know to be true, and what my pride allows are often two different things. We were created to live in genuine, grace saturated, vulnerable, community with others. We can't do this thing alone. As Christians we were not saved to live solitary lives but rather into a body of other sisters and brothers who will help to shoulder our load and speak truth into our dull and weary hearts. When you are faced with more unique parenting challenges like parenting a child with a disability, learning disorder, or some other special need seek out others who can relate and who can help equip you for the daily grind. Encouragement, experience, humour, understanding...these are all life lines when you are in the trenches of parenting a child with special needs or navigating the crazy world of adoption and fostering. All parents need encouragement and support regardless of the specifics of each family dynamic. It doesn't matter if you're a brand new mom learning how to parent your first child, or an older seasoned mom with a house full of teenagers. Parenting is tough stuff.<br />
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Carry on soldiers. <br />
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Now I must go finish the supper dishes and go to bed.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/196/89E3C0B69935CD66A6C03FB8C3D5ECEF.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Carlahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14317610661817876605noreply@blogger.com0