This week has been taken up with last minute preparations for our upcoming trip to Mexico and a lot of packing. Just when I thought my nerves and emotions were stretched just about as far as they could go....did I mention it is Winter break right now... I got a call from Kade's new Case worker. We will be forced to say goodbye tomorrow not just for the week but forever. It came as a bit of a shock to me but I know as I look at the big picture that this is in God's control, just as surely as this little boy has not escaped Gods care since he was conceived.
That old Hymn "His eye is on the sparrow" keeps running through my head. The idea is taken from Matthew 10: 29
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid: you are worth more than many sparrows."
In the eyes of the world this little boy is disposable, a problem, just another kid in the system, an outcast in a bigoted and calloused society. He's a sparrow in a world that loves showy feathers and beautiful songs.
But in reality he is precious , loved and known by the one who created him which makes him so much more. He is priceless. Every hair on his head is numbered.
I now have to trust that God will preserve this childs heart and protect his body through whatever his life will bring.
And accept the fact that I will no longer be his mommy "MA" to nurture, guide and love him..at least not in anyway he will know about.
One thing that will not be taken from me is my ability to pray for this little boy. I will pray that God would raise him up to know he is loved and has value, that he will someday know the freedom of salvation, that he will withstand the storms life has for him, that he would be the one to break the cycle.
Transition will be hard. So hard. The goodbye and walking away will be harder. Right now he is my little shadow. When I'm in the office on the computer he is playing under the desk, when I'm in the kitchen he's in there helping me, he pretty much follows me from room to room. This week he has been particularly clingy, extremely so, I don't know if its because we left him with a sitter last weekend of if he senses something is about to happen. The suitcases everywhere would be a big clue. He is an intelligent little boy I'm sure he's figured out more than I think he has. I can't help but feel a little guilty, ok a lot guilty, when he looks at me with those adoring big brown eyes and I know tomorrow I am going to abandon him...just one more person to prove life is full of uncertainties.....at least thats what it will be in his mind. I'm praying that he will find stability in his new home with biological strangers. I pray that they will care for him and love him like he needs to be. But I don't know. Its so hard to hand over being his mommy and give that responsibility to someone I've never met and know nothing about. Its all part of the job though.....the goodbyes are part of the deal. Maybe someday I'll get better at them.
Aili and Roman have been so amazingly sweet to him and love him already. Roman of course is just super affectionate with him, and Aili is a second mother. Kade even runs to her sometimes if he hurts himself and is looking for a hug and a booboo kiss. I'm so proud of them both. They have shown such adaptability, generosity and acceptance....even when it meant sharing their rooms, their toys, their parents and sometimes even sleeping on the couch. They know that our goodbye tomorrow will likely be forever and they will be ok..... they did ask if we could just get kids next time that we can keep forever. Someday maybe. But for now I know that ,although not always easy ,this experience has been good for them too. Compassion, generosity, tolerance and love for others is not something that is learned with out being taught by example....it doesn't happen by chance. That is the legacy I want for my children. We are swimming upstream in a culture that wants to teach them to step on people on their way up the ladder, fame and fortune are one reality show away, talent and beauty are everything....and my god is the person I see in the mirror in the morning.
So we are leaving in the morning. We will be dropping one kid off at a time, suitcases in hand. Knowing one of them we will not be picking up again in a week. It will be a teary day for this mama....but I know God has big things planned for the week ahead. I am so excited....at least I will be again once the sad part is over. In a couple days I will be enjoying sunshine (that actually involves heat), some good Mexican food and fellowship with my Mexican brothers and sisters. If you think of us please pray for my kidlets as they are scattered around, for me as I say goodbye to all of them, for Kade as he moves out into the unknown, and for safety and health for us as we travel south. Thankyou!