Why I don't give my kids an allowance.

I have a confession.  For years I've been hiding the full extent of my parental negligence.  No more.  I'm letting the cat out of the bag.

I do not, nor have I ever, given any of my five children an "allowance".



Years ago when I was a much greener, wet behind the ears, parent I assumed that I would eventually put my children on the dole and that this would be proof my parental provision for them.  They would learn to take care of the money entrusted to them and we would all be happy with the arrangement.
That day never came.  For one reason or another I found other things to spend every last cent of our family's income on.  I squandered it on things like food, shoes that fit growing feet, and keeping the power from being shut off.

Still, I assumed I would give them an allowance someday.  Someday when we had a little more cash left over.  Someday when I'm not such a flake.  Someday when I actually have some sense of stick-to-it-ness, consistency, and follow through. Sadly that day never came...and then it just didn't seem to matter any more.  We still have no cash left over at the end of each month, I'm still a huge flaky space cadet...and somehow my kids have always had everything they need.

I started thinking about it the other day and I realized that what may have started as an unintentional circumstance became something that has actually been quite valuable.  I no longer don't give an allowance by accident...I don't do it on purpose.  If that makes any sort of sense.

I shall preface my reasoning by saying my intention isn't to publicly shame "allowance" giving families, make you feel all icky inside, but rather add perspective to this non-debate and share some observations. In the end I really don't give a flying squirrels fuzzy hiney what other families do with their money.  There is more than one way to skin a cat....or a squirrel.  You parents are quite competent enough to figure out what works for you and your kids.

First of all, not being on a parental dole has taught my kids that they are not entitled to what we have.  Our money is not their money.  This is a lesson best learned before they are expecting us to pay their phone bill when they're 30, or fighting over our inheritance when we croak (or worse yet long before we're dead)....not that there will be one, but you get the point.

They don't, by merely existing, have the right to expect a fistful of dough to be given to them on a regular basis. I want to teach my kids the opposite of entitlement, and it would seem that giving them an allowance would work contrary to that goal.  At least it would make achieving that goal more difficult.

My kids trust that we will look after their needs.  I've told my kids, from the time they could whine, that when they need something we will get it for them.  I ask them if they've ever gone without something they needed and if  they trust that we take care of them.  Often we have purchased what we know they will need (or even just sometimes want) before they even know they need or want it. Sometimes we treat them to something "extra" just because we delight in their delight. We enjoy giving them good things, but I want them to be grateful for what they have.  I want them to carry a simple sense of contentment and gratitude into adulthood with them.

They learn to value money and work for it.  I've noticed something evolving in my oldest kids.  Their rare whine for an allowance, has been replaced with complaining that they need a job.  They are constantly coming up with ways they could make a few extra bucks.  They have been known to scour the ditches for beer cans they can return, or sell lemonade on a hot summer day.  Now that my daughter is 12 she has been babysitting regularly.  She saved up money to take a babysitting course and viewed even that expense as a strategic investment into her budding childcare career.  She is working several hours per week...in fact she was out late babysitting tonight and will be babysitting all day Saturday.  She is a hard worker, she's great with kids, and she doesn't text her friends while she's on the job.  She realizes that if she does a job well it will lead to more jobs.  In the last couple months she has saved up nearly $300 by working hard, proving herself responsible, and not wasting what she did earn.  She now adds up the value of things by asking "how many hours would I have to work to pay for that?".  She doesn't ask us for things she wants, she sets a goal and then goes out and works for it.  Sometimes that goal is just a new pair of jeans.

 My 10 year old son is slightly jealous of his sisters success and is insisting I let him advertise his own lawn mowing business this summer.  I'm not so sure about that one yet, but he is chomping at the bit.   I keep reminding him that if he can prove himself responsible in the small tasks the larger "jobs" will gradually start coming.

One nice thing about the big kids bringing in their own money is that they can buy the things that are "wants".  There is no way on God's green earth that I will buy them a smart phone, or an ipod touch...but I'm more than eager to encourage and cheer on their efforts go buy one themselves. This may sound stingy but mostly it's just reality. When you live off of one income, have five kids to feed, and have some odd priorities like "mission trips" to Mexico and international adoption, the budget gets whittled pretty narrow.  We've been forced to allow them to struggle and "go without" certain things, but now I'm realizing that that struggle is actually a really good thing. I have also noticed that they are generous with the money they earn.   Aili's babysitting money has at times been completely spent on sibling Christmas gifts, and donations to help fund adoptions.

When you work for something you appreciate the value of it, and take care of it.  When you learn to be content you are freed up to be more generous. 

I suppose you could trade an allowance for household chores and create a points system in which an allowance is earned.  I'm just not that organized.

I also think that "chores" are just part of being a family.  I do occasionally pay a child to do an "extra" sort of a non-routine job but for the most part I want my kids to learn that being part of a family, or a community, or a Church means that you serve others. You don't serve in order to get.  You serve your family out of love, and because that's what keeps everything running smoothly.  "Chores" for us constitute anything that needs to be done at any given time.  I really try to avoid the "That's not my job!" scenario.  In this house everything is everyone's job...sometimes certain jobs just get assigned to certain children depending on ability level.

Here's the big idea.  I desire that my kids develop a sense of personal and civic responsibility.  I want them to appreciate what they have and learn what real contentment is.  I want to encourage virtues like ingenuity, creativity, tenacity, and work ethic.  As far as I can tell, not giving them an allowance is just one way to make teaching those things a little easier.

If I'm wrong, they can save up their money to hire a therapist who will sympathize with them as they describe the details of their deprived childhood.





Soli Deo Gloria,

How to screw up orphan care in the name of Jesus

Is that even possible?  Is it possible to try to do something God commands us to do, and get it wrong?  It is possible to do harm, while seriously attempting to do good?

Absolutely.

My passion for orphan care began at a very young age. I was a child who grew up dreaming about building an orphanage one day.  It would have nice dorms for the kids, a nice cheery play room, gardens, a play ground, and a well stocked cafeteria.  When other junior high girls were flirting with boys, I was drawing up plans for how my orphanage would be constructed.  I would fill it with Carla's children...and give all those poor orphans a place to thrive.  It was my dream.  My desire to be a part of orphan-care in a third world country, was driven by genuine concern.

Over the years my view of building and operating orphanages has changed slowly but drastically.

What I'm referring to in the title is when unhealthy, unbiblical, or just naively unhelpful practices fall under the umbrella of "Christian ministry".  I am not anti-Christian ministry, anti-orphan care, and as much as I cringe to admit it I'm not even anti-orphanage....just anti-habitually doing things in a way that hurts kids.

Some things done with the name of Jesus attached, are merely using his name in vain.

"7 “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain."

 Taking an endeavor, and stamping Jesus name on it is not something that should ever, ever be taken lightly.  This includes Christian charities.  It's serious business when we claim to be corporately representing God.

For that reason, I decided to focus solely on orphan care done by non-profit, privately run orphanages. There is little doubt that government run institutions, the common other orphanage alternative, is often worse. Governments raising kids has always been a bad idea but that's a whole different blog post.

I think we, as Christians, who are passionate about orphan care and who like to put our money where our mouths are, need to really reflect on this issue for a bit even if it's uncomfortable.  I'm not a skeptic on the outside looking in, trying desperately to find flaws, but rather someone with a lifelong vested interest in orphan care and the ethics surrounding the issue.

 When you start talking about discernment in ministry people are quick to point fingers, but also quicker to defend things that should be indefensible.   "There is no perfect system (church, organization, person etc.) ...." is the typical excuse.  I'd like to counter that with a resounding and well thought out.. "duh".

 Just because there is no "perfect" system for orphan care doesn't mean we shouldn't have some very high standards when kids are involved,  ESPECIALLY if we are going to tag Jesus name onto something and label it a Christian ministry.

 No one defends an abusive foster home claiming that "some of the kids turned out ok, only a few of them were molested...but the parents do a lot of other good things".  How absurd would that sound? Actually that façade of "but they're good people" hides abuse in too many families too...but that's a different topic.

Over the past 14 years I have been deeply involved with various forms of "orphan care" in my home, and with orphan care ministries.   I can't speak for every single orphanage, or every single individual experience, but I have learned a few things along the way.

The main point being: Orphanages are not ideal, they are not entirely helpful, and in fact I believe are actually harmful in many cases.  Even "good Christian orphanages" are inherently problematic for many reasons.

An orphanage should never be the first option, or the last stop for a child.

In some cases an orphanage is one of the few options available in countries where adoption is discouraged and international adoption is closed.  I think they can best be used as a temporary arrangement to provide the basics of nurture to a child in crises.  There are kids, who just have no place to go.  A far better option is smaller family based foster homes, but that transition is slow in some countries. Permanency should ALWAYS be the goal.  By permanency I mean life long, healthy loving guardian/ parent/ parents...regardless of race, or location.  Every child needs a family. Period.

Although some form of family based care is always a goal, in no way do I romanticize kinship, or reunification efforts either.  While those avenues should always be researched first and strongly considered...it's incredibly naive to assume that just because a child has living relatives that they would be safe living with them.  There are reasons beyond poverty for children being relinquished, apprehended or abandoned.  Sometimes that door back toward biological family is closed. That's just reality.

So here we go, fasten your seat belts.

10 Ways to screw up an orphan, in a "Christian orphanage".

1.  Make children into orphans.  

Encourage child abandonment with the attitude that an orphanage can raise a child better than parents can.  Many "children's homes" and orphanages are filled with children who are not actual orphans but rather "social orphans".  These children have been brought into orphanage care for a variety of reasons.  Some of them come from horrific abuse and neglect, but many children are brought into care because the offer of free education, a bed to sleep in, regular meals, and free childcare becomes an attractive option for parents struggling to keep food on the table, and their kids out of trouble.  I have known an orphanage, that while it boasts "outreach" programs into the community, actually prohibits or at least strongly discourages "helping" the families of the children interned at the orphanage.  If you can raise money to house and feed an interened child, you can raise money to support, love, and serve whole families.  Families should be kept intact when at all possible....thus preventing making a child into an "orphan" unnecessarily.  Getting involved in a real and personal level with families in crises requires a lot more creativity, wisdom, sacrifice, risk, and grace than does collecting kids.  One problem is that many ministries want concrete ways of tracking success.  Numbers, stats, conversions, kids interned, meals fed etc. all look good in a year end report.  Whereas "we developed solid relationships with many struggling families in the community and just made ourselves available to them, serving them in whatever way was needed.  We followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit and are trusting the fruit of that to Him" just doesn't seem to qualify.  We should, if at all possible, avoid making "poverty orphans".  There are worse things in life than monetary poverty....feeling abandoned, without hope, unloved, and without a family is at the top of the list.

2. Set up a structure where abuse can thrive unchecked.

Child abuse can happen anywhere, it's true.  Power hungry adults who will prey on children are generally deceptive, charming, and very good at hiding in plain sight.  For this reason there is no "immune" organization, or family.

However, there are systems, structures and attitudes that will attract, and even protect, perpetrators instead of making it very difficult for perpetrator to have access to children.   There are also certain structures that make reporting abuse next to impossible for the children, and that make it easy to cover for perpetrators on the rare occasion that abuse is reported.

Orphanages are notorious for abuse.

All kinds of abuses happen in "children's homes".   Psychological, physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse is not strange phenomenon in these places.

Orphans living in orphanages are among the most vulnerable population of children that exist.

The problem structurally with some Christian orphanages is that, the main priority is to bring in donations to support the cause.  In order to keep money coming in an orphanage must keep up a certain utopic, heroic image.  Reports of child abuse will tarnish that image, wound a leaders reputation, and reduce financial support. A carefully crafted, fiercely protected public image, nice facilities, and an impressive website can hide some pretty ugly reality being ignored on the ground.

We as donors and supporters have the false assumption that if lying or corruption is regular practice in an organization, that those who know the truth would blow whistles and that the needed changes would just happen.  At least that's the pseudo reality I lived in quite comfortably for a while.

The problem, structurally, is that often those who know what actually goes on behind the public eye, those who know the kids, or witness the abuses of power, are indebted to or dependent on the organization for employment.  That, and a heavy dose of fear, guilt, loyalty, and hierrarchal bullying keeps people quiet.  Those who get brave enough to raise concern are labelled disloyal, and are immediately discredited, slandered, and removed.

Those who have cut their ties with an orphanage ministry, will often be too "nice" to talk about it.  In this strange little culture of Christian ministry we often live in a sort of dysfunctional denial fueled by a fear of conflict, an unbiblical concept of "love", and a "we can't judge!" cowardliness.  Among Christians there is also a genuine desire to not be "that person" who makes waves.  No one wants to be considered the traitor, even if they are speaking the truth.   This whole set up allows abuse to go unchecked for decades.

The structure in place that allows this façade and abuse to continue most effectively is an organization that lacks accountability and integrity, and is fueled by keeping up a public image.

3.  Prop up orphans as a "mission trip" attraction.

I should tread carefully here because I have not only taken week long "mission trips" to an orphanage, but also led them. I know many other genuinely caring people who do too.  We have been on the observing side of things, watching groups of well intentioned fanny pack toting, cargo pant and strange hat wearing, volunteers come and go from an orphanage every week...and we've been in that group of people. My husband actually worked as mission trip group "host" for a bit.  We are well acquainted with this type of volunteer work.  My desire is not to paint with an overly broad brush, or villainize "short term mission" trips to orphanages, but it has to be said.

Children are not tourist attractions.  They are not animals in a zoo, to be exploited for revenue.

 One of the most effective ways to generate needed income, attract new donors, and keep children "sponsored" is to have a regular rotation of visitors.  This is just reality. While many people have life changing experiences on these trips (I know I did), it comes at a very high price to those children.  I fully realize that many people who go on those trips work hard, and go with a sense of wanting to serve and help.  I also realize that some orphanages rely on this work, but sometimes the actual work is less essential than the income those "mission trips" generate.  It can be less about needing volunteers, and more about needing new donors. 
 That's not wrong in an of itself but it creates a structure where children are very vulnerable, and are exploited.

 I have studied a lot of issues regarding early trauma, attachment disorders and the myriad of psychological, cognitive, and emotional effects that typically come with being an orphan.  I don't have room to go into details with all of that here but I can say that the more I understand and learn, the more I realize how damaging orphanage settings can be.

When you take a child, who has lacked so much essential bonding and nurture, and then teach them to cuddle with, snuggle, and manipulate perfect strangers (from the time they can barely toddle)....it's a disaster.  You are taking children who all likely struggle with attachment disorders to some degree, and then actually encouraging the sociopathic, manipulative, unnatural behaviors that those attachment disorders already create.  It's insanity.  I have seen so many children,who have never known a long term caregiver, who have lost their ability to trust and "attach" to another human in any sort of healthy way,  run up to strangers (short term mission trip folks) with arms open and big smiles on their faces.  On the surface the child seems super friendly, or desperate for love (which they actually are deep down inside), but below the surface it's all a game and a sign of severe damage. The visitor comes away with an emotional high thinking they have a "special connection" with a child who actually has very little ability to "connect" with anyone.  They have merely learned to play a sick game.

Anyone who cares for, or who has adopted a child out of an orphanage setting deals with these behaviors on a regular basis.  Kids fortunate enough to be adopted out of an orphanage have parents who love them enough to help un-do these dysfunctional behaviors, but many kids will never have that.  Teaching a child with attachment disorder how to trust, bond, have empathy, and love is an uphill battle.  Teaching that child to have appropriate boundaries with strangers, and not to be manipulative is just as hard. So, when I see those red flag behaviors being rewarded and encouraged....It makes my brain explode.

Rotating "visitors", staff members, and caregivers also put the kids at increased risk for sexual abuse. Running a children's home is like putting up a beacon that says "Vulnerable kids here...whole packs of them!".   Vulnerable kids who know how to keep quite, do what they're told, and who have no one in their lives who will fight for, protect, or even hear them if they do complain.


4. Don't allow the kids to get "too attached" to a caregiver.

If you want to pick out one thing that will screw a kid up more devastatingly than anything else...and make them more vulnerable to all the other abuses it is this one.  There is a wide variety in quality of care in children's homes but the biggest determining factor for how damaging an orphanage is for a child, far above anything else an orphanage can boast in, is the turn over rate in caregivers or "houseparents".  Red flag number one in my opinion.

I have known a children's home that was being run well, where some of the houseparents had been there for 30 years.  They were invested in the kids lives, obviously loved them, and had committed themselves to raising them.   They were "their" kids.  They actually operated more like a permanent foster homes within an orphanage.

On the other hand I have known children's homes that have a regular rotation of staff coming and going.  Some "houseparents" stay for months, some for a couple years but in between that time is a steady rotation of the children between the various "family style homes"/ dorms.  Some kids get to move homes, and parents every few months.   *Sigh*  I can't even begin to express how senseless, tragic, and horrifically damaging that is.

What's MORE tragic than this obvious dysfunction, and harmful practice is the ignorance that fuels it.  I have actually heard it expressed that it is better for kids to move frequently so that they don't get "too attached" to caregivers. Too strong a caregiver/ child bond makes moving them more emotional and difficult. They prefer the nice compliant emotionally detached children who no longer care where they live, to the pesky one's who have established some sort of a healthy bond to a caregiver and grieve when they are taken.  It's similar to the terribly misguided theory that leaving babies alone in cribs all day makes "good babies" because they eventually don't cry any more. Holding an infant too much will "spoil them" making them all needy and "normal".  If you want to raise a generation of psychopaths and sociopaths..this is a fail proof way to do it.  Guaranteed.  I've also noticed a tendency to heavily medicate children with deep, unaddressed, psychological damage.  When the child becomes problematic, and the RAD behaviors become too much for the staff to handle, don't actually deal with the root issues...just drug 'em.

5. Cut them loose.

At some point every kid "ages out".  Whether it's a private orphanage,  a government run foster system or an institution.  It's inevitable.  The cute little orphan morphs into a not so cute, often delinquent, teenager..and then gets cut loose.  These kids often leave the system (what ever system has been created) with no foundation in healthy relational skills, life skills, and little to no outside support, family or community.  I know so many of them.  They struggle.  If you haven't completely messed up a kid yet, just wait....when you cut them loose, forbid them to return, and turn your back on them you will finish the job you started back when they were laying in the nursery crib.

6. Never reflect.  Never change.  Never assess how effective a certain method is.
If you never have to find, interview, or check up on the generations of kids who have aged out of an orphanage then you are saved the tough work of self assessment, repentance, and change.  It's easier to continue on in status quo.  Keep raising money, keep bringing in kids, keep taking their pictures, keep shoving them out when they get too old.  Don't ask questions, because the answers might not be good for business as usual.  Don't go looking for long term fruit, because the rotting piles of compost are a bit messy to trudge through.  It might involve some reality based clean up work. Oh, and another sub point is never accept constructive criticism, or the suggestion that there might be a problem.

7. Saturate the children in legalistic, heavy handed religious hypocrisy.
This is where things go really bad spiritually for kids.  I am not suggesting that a Christian ministry or children's home should not be teaching the children.  Part of our responsibility as caregivers/ parents is to help children to grow spiritually, ministering to their deepest needs with a gospel rich, natural, loving example based instruction. I think not doing that, as a Christian organization, is misguided and spiritually negligent.  However, as soon as you trade genuine loving example and parental guidance with fear motivated, rule heavy, hypocrisy laced, religiosity you have a recipe for disaster.  Combine that with a child that is already psychologically damaged, vulnerable, and hurt and it will not produce passionate Jesus loving adults. It will produce rebellion and deep lasting resentment.  Of course, God can and does redeem and transform people out of any circumstance, even the most damaging childhood's but this will be in spite of point number 7 not because of it.  This sort of thing is a huge hindrance for the gospel to take root in a child's heart, not a help.

8. Feed them a crappy diet.

I don't know why the words "orphan" and "candy" seem to go together.  For some reason groups who visit orphanages always, always bring candy.  It's no longer a "treat" but a staple, and the kids have rotten teeth and and health problems to show for it.

This may seem less important but since we're talking about a child's well being, and lasting damage that can be done during those crucial years of childhood...this is making it to my list.  When you are entrusted with a large group of kids, you have a serious responsibility to God and those kids. Various countries and orphanages will vary greatly in the area of diet, especially when there is a distinct scarcity, but in Mexico there is a problem with obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes.   There are plenty of poor folks, but not a lot of starving people.  I have noticed that orphanages sometimes take pride in a cafeteria full of overweight kids, like that somehow shows that they are well cared for.  What people don't realize is that kids can be plump but terribly malnourished.  If the basic food groups kids are being fed is starch, grease, salt and sugar, there is a big problem.  A problem that the kids will pay for with their lives and health for years after they leave the orphanage.  A mission trip group can eat like that for a week, but when a child eats that way every meal for 18 years, it's a huge problem.  If a child doesn't see a vegetable or fresh food for months at a time (even though they are readily available), it's problematic.

  When you are entrusted with a child, you have the responsibility to do everything you can to help that child thrive mind, body, heart, and soul.  Giving the kids a head start with high blood pressure, rotten teeth, and heart disease isn't a gift you should be sending them on their way with.  Feeding kids a reasonably healthy diet will also make them feel better, behave better, and learn better.

9.  Refuse accountability in leadership

Every ministry, church, or organization will rise or fall with the quality and character of leadership.  When a leader of a Christian ministry has fallen into sin, has little integrity, has a inflated sense of ego and pride...the entire ministry will suffer. No question.  It's no different with an orphanage ministry.  It doesn't matter if it is a sainted founder, a CEO, or a pastor...there MUST always be high biblical standards for leadership. That leader must have the humility to willingly submit them-self to the accountability/scrutiny of other godly people who will love them (and the cause) enough to tell them the truth.  This isn't an area that can afford to be compromised, especially when children are involved.  There can be a team of wonderful, humble, servant hearted staff on the ground level doing the work, but if healthy leadership is lacking it will trickle all the way down to the staff, and kids.  If the roots of a tree are rotten, the rot will eventually spread to the fruit trying to be grown.  Things like real accountability in leadership, character, integrity, solid theology, and humility are essential components in any ministry leader, and someone who runs an orphanage can be held to no lesser standard.  Raising hundreds of kids is no small task, and the leader will be held accountable before God for that great responsibility.  A leader should care so much more about the mission, the goal, and the well being of the kids, than their own sense of control over those things. One sign of questionable leadership is a fierce desire for ultimate control, and a slowness to pass the baton, even when that time is overdue.

10.  Let the applause of men be your motive.

This is where any act of social justice, mercy ministry, or orphan care gets a little tricky.  Motive. Why do we do what we do?  Is it because we have been so transformed by the knowledge that, although we didn't deserve it and could never earn it, that we have been shown God's scandalous grace?  Is it out of an overflow of the immense love we have for God, because we have begun to understand how much He first loved us?  Is it that we have been so filled, and awakened by the Holy Spirit that we have a fiery passion to sacrifice and love even those most unlovely among us?  If that is our motive, there will never be room for (and we will make a conscious effort to avoid the lure of) "red carpet" treatment for certain donors, people pleasing, bullies with "friends in high places", or making policies based on who will write the biggest check and gain the most notoriety.   If the motive is "look at what I've done, my name will be in lights, let the little children come unto me"....we've become wicked glory thieves.  If the applause of men, and pride, become a motive for any orphan care the kids will pay a very high price.  When affirmation, recognition, and "fear of man" become a motive (and an idolatrous source of pride) biblical principles, unwavering ethics, and a healthy fear of God will be tossed aside.

So there you have it.   10 ways to damage a vulnerable child under the umbrella of a Christian ministry.

My intent isn't to be inflammatory, fingering pointing, or cynical...but to tell the truth about something that is often overlooked in orphan-care circles and churches. These are issues that anyone who supports, donates, or works in orphan-care ministries should be asking themselves.  Watch for those red flags, and keep asking "how can we do this better?" 

When an organization stops asking that question (and actually listening to the answers) they're already lost.

We, as Christians, should be concerned for children in crises, and children without parents. We should be involved but we need to be wise and discerning in how we do that orphan care.

Ask questions.

- Look for solid evidence that a ministry is working with families in crises, and makes every effort to keep families intact.

- Look for long term stability, and strong caregiver/ child bonds.

One way to assess this is to do some investigation into where the kids are 10 years after they "age out".  Do the kids ever come back "home" to visit on holidays?  Are they still involved with and loved by their former "houseparents"?  Are a majority of them thriving adults, contributing to society, and breaking the cycles of broken families, child abandonment and abuse...or are they filling up prisons, rehab centers, and grave yards.

If an orphanage doesn't do follow up research, doesn't have long term relationships with the orphans who were raised there, and refuses to take an honest assessment of what's happening to the kids who age out...then there is likely a problem.

 - Look for signs that the kids well-being is the FIRST priority.

Is the leadership opposed to adoption? Are the children protected from abuse and exploitation?  Do any of the house-parents adopt the children in their care?  Do they help facilitate children finding permanent homes?

How are the staff treated? Often times "staff" consists of faithful volunteers who live and work at the orphanage. What is the turn over rate for these volunteers, and why?  Do people who were very committed, and who genuinely loved the kids, regularly disappear?

If you are in leadership at an orphanage ask others (especially the people who are on sight working with the kids) how things can improve, learn from other organizations and leaders, listen to input, reflect, and ask the Holy Spirit to shine light on blind spots and things that may have been overlooked.  Be willing to make changes as problems are brought to light.  That humility, and regular repentance, is exactly what should set apart a good ministry leader.

We can't claim to care about kids, and not do that tough work of light shining and repentance on a regular basis.  I know my job as a parent to just five kids requires constant re-evaluating methods, trying different strategies, and lots of time on my knees asking for guidance (and forgiveness for messing things up).

While I would prefer to see every orphanage shut their doors, and every single child placed into a loving home...that's just not realistically going to happen.   I think it's possible to run orphanages better than we historically have...and I also think they should fall out of vogue in favor of orphan prevention, foster homes, and adoption.

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post, not a sense of gloating or arrogance.  I desire to honour those who I know are working hard, and loving kids in orphanages (I have many dear friends who are doing just that), but the reality remains that we need to do better for vulnerable kids, and we need to set our standards for orphan care higher than merely building and filling orphanages.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, 
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families, 
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious lie in a sun-scorched land." Psalm 68:5,6

When the Pendulum Swings

About a decade ago I was working in the donation processing department of World Vision U.S.   I worked in a small office area with a group of other women.    In our office were people from a wide range of denominations, worship styles and peripheral doctrinal beliefs.  In this building were people from all walks of life,  races, and numerous different nations.  It was a melting pot of beautifully diverse Jesus followers.  We loved each other as we served the Lord with our everyday tasks.

One day I was sitting with my usual group of about 6 or 7 women in the cafeteria eating lunch.   A man, a temp worker, sat down at our table and started talking to us.  He went on and on about how any affliction in this life, illness, loss, financial problems, disease..even allergies was all a direct link to sin in a persons life and were linked to a specific spirit.  He went onto boast that he had not had so much as a cold in years.
 We just sat quietly stunned.  I couldn't believe he was serious.
According to him an afflicted person was proof that they not only lacked faith, but that they were living in sin and couldn't possibly have God's blessing.
None of us could eat, we all just sat there staring at him.
What this man didn't realize was that at this table, in my group of sisters, was a collection of illness, loss, disease and affliction.  We were each others support group that year as we shared our pain, loss, doubts, fears, and raw faith.  I believe God placed me in that office, with those women, to help me through the darkest pain in my life. They gave me perspective.  I doubt it was coincidence that this group of women worked every day in the same small cubicle together.

One woman suffered terribly with a degenerative disease called Scleroderma.  She lived in severe debilitating pain everyday.    She was also one of the most hilariously funny women I have ever known.
One woman was battling cervical cancer.
One young woman's husband ,who had been a police officer,  had recently suffered a stroke (at about 40yrs old).
Another young mom's husband had his leg amputated because of a gun shot wound.
I was the young woman who had just buried her only son.

We were a ragged, raw, real bunch of women.  All phoniness, illusions of self sufficiency, or arrogance had been burned away in the fires of suffering.   Each one of those women taught me about what REAL faith looks like.  They trusted God even when the story that God was writing in their lives involved pain.   They worshiped in Spirit and truth.  They laughed.   They lived each moment.   They LOVED the Lord with everything they had and it showed.

They  had enough wisdom and restraint to let this man finish his lunch and leave without blood shed.
When I think of the "name it and claim it" preachers,
when I picture the personal jet flying, money begging, televangelists promising healing for a hefty check,
I think of poor deceived men like the one that sat down at our table.

 With his theories he made the accusation, without even realizing it, that my unborn son had somehow sinned prenatally and deserved to have a broken body...or that I had done this to my child and was somehow being punished.   Once I realized he was sick it was my own lack of faith in healing that allowed my child to die.

I feel sorry for him that man.  What a horrible, fearful, delusional, guilt ridden way to go through life.  He will forever be assuming that if he isn't healthy , rich and trouble free he doesn't have God's grace.

Maybe that's why I don't drink this particular kool-aid.   I've lived the flip side of "health and wealth" and come out with a deeper relationship with Jesus because of it.




Strong words.

I have held my own dead child in my arms.
I have good  friends who live in shacks we wouldn't keep our garden tools in.
There are children I know and love living without enough to eat.
I've seen passionate followers of Christ, worshiping joyfully in cardboard and plywood churches.
There are believers who's faith put's ours to shame living on the brink of survival in Haiti.
Believers are sitting in prisons, being tortured and executed for their faith.
God's faithful ones are living through tornados, tsunamis, and earthquakes....and still finding the strength of Spirit to stand and sing songs of worship to the Lord.

Do they lack faith?   If they only believed it harder, decreed it louder, and declared it more fervently...maybe cash would come falling from the sky for them too.

That's why the whole "health and wealth " mentality baffles me.


The above video may have left you speechless, convicted, confused or even offended.
It does cut straight to the heart and gets straight to the point.

From where I stand,  prosperity gospel is one of the many pendulum swung too far the wrong way messages being spread as truth and tragically exported to other countries.
There are many good hearted, well intentioned Spirit filled believers that lean toward the declare and decree whatever your  heart desires philosophy.  The danger is in letting that pendulum swing too far over into making the Bible your personal self help book instead of God's story.  

In order to really buy what  the prosperity gospel sells, you need only to take  a few verses out of the Bible  and repeat them as a mantra.   The problem is , you need to skip the gospels, the book of acts and Paul's letters to the early church.

Cutting out chunks of the Bible, and using verses out of context, seems to be a trend in Canadian Christian circles.   North America is full of :  long-list-of-rules-legalists,  watered- down-social-gospel-liberals,  and  pasted-on-smiles-pockets- full-of- money -televangelists.....who pick out their favorite verses and skip over all the rest.

It sometimes makes me wonder where are all the Christians described in the book of Acts?  A minority for sure.  Where are the boldly passionate, Spirit empowered, love filled, truth speaking, culture engaging, uncompromising, scripture loving, grace tempered, servant hearted, self sacrificing disciples of Christ?   I suspect many of them are in  places like South America, Africa and Asia where they know the true cost of following Jesus and the word of God is still too valuable to be butchered.

Unfortunately for us in America, preaching a biblical dying to self message doesn't sell a lot of books, or win a lot of fans...so few do it.

In each of the three camps that I used as an example, there are nuggets of truth, points to be made, and glimpses of merit but so often the  baby has been thrown out with the bath water.  I believe in truth.  I believe that we should seek truth.  Not to be confused with public opinion,  wishful thinking, or warm fuzzies.   I suspect truth is lost once that pendulum swings too far in any direction.   We start to loose sight of Jesus and replace him with something out of someones imagination.

  So many times people over compensate.  They are repelled by  lifeless, loveless dogmatic religion and then swing way over to truthless, doctrineless, oprahfied love worship.

Where is the simple childlike faith Jesus referred to?   We don't have to re-write the Bible to regain balance....we just need to read it.

I believe in a terrifyingly awe inspiring holy God, and I firmly believe that he is loving beyond comprehension.  I believe that good doctrine is essential and I also believe that an intimate relationship is what defines my faith.   I believe that God sometimes allows affliction and brings beauty out of suffering...but I also believe in God's power to heal completely.   I believe in absolute truth as revealed in scripture and  I also embrace unfathomable mystery.  I love both classic hymns and contemporary worship music.  I enjoy vegetarian food and I love a good hamburger. (that one was just for fun)  I love diversity of believers and I don't sweat the small stuff of differing peripheral doctrines (I'm firmly non denominational) and I also believe in discernment, accurate interpretation and the truth of the gospel of Jesus.   The Bible is full of glorious paradox that can be embraced rather than divided up.

  I truly believe in the Holy Spirit that empowers, guides, convicts, comforts, and can give gifts displayed by wonderous works, visions, healing, and all the things listed among the New Testament believers. These things are happening everyday among believers around the globe.   God is the same yesterday, today and forever.  I believe that Jesus came to give us life lived abundantly, joyously and triumphantly!
But God is not a divine slot machine, working on our whims and desires.  Sometimes he responds with a loving "no" to the most fervent, noble requests.    We can't twist his arm with a big check, and loud chanting.

Even though I strongly disagree with the man that was sitting at our lunch table who has an almost mathematical formula for avoiding any kind of ailment... I do think there are consequences to breaking God's laws and crossing established boundaries.  A dysfunctional toxic person can wreak havoc on their families, relationships, and their own bodies.  That is not God honoring by any stretch of the imagination.   God doesn't desire for us to live addicted, oppressed, raggedy, defeated lives.  If we live a life of hatred, unforgiveness, deception, bitterness, offense, and destruction in our spirits eventually it will manifest itself in our physical bodies as well,  I've seen it happen....but a person can take that  truth and bend it to the extreme.  That extreme is the prosperity gospel that promises us health, wealth, success, and prosperity if we have enough faith.





The above video explains the problem with the health and wealth mentality so well I really didn't even need to expand with my own thoughts.

It  bugs me when people look at their own little kingdoms, their stored up wealth and say with satisfaction...look how God has blessed me.    I'm such a swell guy, such a righteous woman, that God has given me my due reward.  The focus is "me".  I deserve the best in this life...others don't.   Little by little we kill our conscience and blind our own eyes while the world around us dies.

Money doesn't make a person unrighteous just like being poor doesn't make a person holy,
but riches shouldn't be what we pursue.  Jesus should be the object of our affections...not what he can give us.  Being sick doesn't mean that God has forgotten you, or that you are being punished, it means that maybe we can't see the bigger picture right now.


With any preacher, teacher, or writer....take the meat and leave the bones, don't swallow it all without chewing it over or you just might choke.  If all that you're left with is a plate of bones...you might want to get your nourishment elsewhere.  

Again...it's all about that pendulum swinging too far.  Hype without foundation...it's a dangerous thing.


"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33  (Just a little quote from Jesus)


 As Christians we need to live out the lives God has purposed for us...passionately, radically, lovingly and transparently...whether that means a big house or a shack, a healthy body or one inflicted with disability...all the while trusting that God is faithful to carry us through to the finish line.

Whats my idol?

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not life up his soul to an idol..."  Psalm 24:3-4

 I would be the first to volunteer that God is the first in my life, my everything, but if I search deeper and reflect longer I find a whole lot of undealt with idols.  Things that define me, comfort me, and control me other than Christ.


This is the prayer of my heart lately.
Search me and know my heart O God.   Make me smaller and you bigger.  Overwhelm me until I am consumed completely.


"A careful reading of the old and New Testament shows that idolatry is nothing like the crude, simplistic picture that springs to mind of an idol sculpture in some distant country.  As the main category to describe unbelief, the idea is highly sophisticated, drawing together the complexities of motivation in individual psychology, the social environment, and also the unseen world.  Idols are not just on pagan alters, but in well educated human hearts and minds"  Richard Keyes

Am I willing to search and discover what my true idols are?
I need to, but I'm not totally sure that I want to give them up when I find them.

"Every self exists in relation to values perceived as making life worth living.  A value is anything good in the created order - any idea, religion, object or person in which one has an interest, from which on derives significance...These values compete...In time on is prone to choose a center of value by which other values are judged.  When a finite value has been elevated to centrality and imagined as a final source of meaning, then one has chosen a god."  Thomas C. Oden

I think we often picture  idols (other than little statues) as negative influences or things.  They can be ugly things like greed, addictions, and lusts.    Idols can also be relationships, ambition, career, religion, family, quality of life, comfort or approval.   Suddenly idolatry hits closer to home.   A little too close to home.

In our adult Sunday School class we are working through the study by Timothy Keller "Gospel in Life" and we were studying idolatry today...hence the thought process in my head being displayed here.

The question that was asked to help us identify our idols was "What is your greatest nightmare? What do you worry about most?"
What is something that we perceive makes life worth living and gives us our identity, security, purpose or comfort?  These things are not necessarily bad things....in fact they can be gifts, commands,  blessings, or institutions designed by God.  We are the ones that distort them into something we glorify above God.

"Why do we lie, fail to love, or break our promises, or live selfishly? Of course the general answer is because we are weak and sinful, but the specific answer is that there is something besides Jesus Christ that we feel we must have to be happy, something that is more important to our heart that God, something that is enslaving our heart through inordinate desires.  The key to change is therefore to identify the idols of the heart"  Timothy Keller


Could it be that all other commandments are broken because of this one broken commandment of idolatry?

 Christians lie, deceive and cover up sin  because they don't ultimately trust that Christ can be glorified in their brokenness.  We value our own image, respect, approval or status above Christ and his work in us and around us.   We would rather break God's commandments and destroy other people,  than set aside our own idol.

People  fail to love people like Christ does because we idolize our own piety, wisdom, power, sense of superiority,  or control.   We look in disdain at others we consider undesirable, disqualified, or unworthy and bow down  to our own pride.

I fail to trust in God's justice and sovereignty  because I am bowing to the idol of control and approval.
(that and I totally lack patience)

I feel that I need to be vindicated, approved of, understood, and generally liked  for my life to be complete .   Without it I get frustrated and hurt.
 I have been placing my own perceived needs , desires and expectations above my trust in God.
He knows the truth. He understands the situation and He will bring justice and mercy, just not in my timeline or in my way.  He has brought me to this place (which there may or may not be an earthly escape from) for a reason.   I should be able to rest in that knowledge.  I want to trust.  I need to trust.

"All those who do not at all times trust God and do not in all their works or sufferings, life and death, trust in His favor, grace and good-will, but seek His favor in other things or in themselves, do not keep this Commandment, and practice real idolatry,"     Martin Luther

What do I perceive makes my life worth living?
My children
Being a good  mother
feeling useful
being a foster mom
being a wife
making a comfortable home for my family
being respected and loved
health

What if anyone of these things, or all of them, were taken?  If I found myself childless, husbandless, homeless, friendless, or lying in bed unable to move or speak what would I be?  If I became like Job...where would my identity be found?

I'm not suggesting for a second that we distance ourselves from these things, stop working, or that we can love our families too much.  We can however love them in the wrong way and with the wrong priorities.    We can put our security and pride in relationships, bank accounts, or careers instead of God.  Where is my self worth found?

Could I , like Abraham, lay my Isaac on the alter?  Isaac not only represented a long waited for, immensely loved, treasured child but a calling, a purpose, a future and a promise.   Can I place my own purpose, my future and my calling in God's hands trusting Him completely with it?

The funny thing is I  can cling, try to control , strive, and make my life burdened ...but ultimately it can all be lost in a second.    I can't even will my own heart to beat, never mind change anyone else's.

This has already gotten really long.   Congratulations to those of you who have made it this far into my rambling mind.
This is a checklist taken from the book "Gospel in Life" that helped me to recognize  areas of my life that have become idols.  Very thought provoking...obviously by the length of my rant.

Now for those of you who are brave enough, read the following list carefully and contemplatively.  Precede the following statements with "My life only has meaning or I only have worth if...".

" Life only has meaning/ I only have worth if......


-I have power and influence over others   (power idolatry)


-I am loved and respected by ________  ( approval idolatry)


-I am able to get mastery over my life in the area of __________  ( control idolatry)


-Someone is there to protect me and keep me safe   (dependence idolatry)


-I am completely free from obligations or responsibilities to take care of someone   (independence idolatry)


-I am being recognized for my accomplishments, and I am excelling in my work  (achievement idolatry)


-I am highly productive and getting a lot done  (work idolatry)


-I have a certain level of wealth, financial freedom, quality of life, and very nice possessions  (materialism idolatry)  


-I am adhering to my religion's moral codes and accomplished in its activities (religion idolatry) 


this one person is in my life and happy to be there, and or happy with me (individual person idolatry)


-I feel I am totally independent of organized religion and am living by self made morality (irreligion idolatry)


-my race and culture is ascendant and recognized as superior (racial idolatry)


-a particular social grouping or professional grouping or other group lets me in (inner ring idolatry)


-my children and/or my parents are happy and happy with me  (family idolatry)


-Mr or Ms. "right" is in love with me  (relationship idolatry)


-I am hurting, in a problem; only then do I feel worthy of love or able to deal with guilt  (suffering idolatry)


-my political or social cause is making progress and ascending in influence and power  (ideology idolatry)


-I have a particular kind of look or body image (image idolatry)

• What are you worshiping?
• What is sitting on the throne of your heart today?
• What if Jesus said to you “sell it all and follow me”?  Would you do it?

Something New

As we approach a new year I find myself in a contemplative mood.   A bit of a shocker for you I'm sure. Warning: this post contains Carla Style rambling....

I have the most delightfully awestruck feeling that this coming year is going to be a digging up the potatoes kind of year.  For some reason, I see God smiling and with a twinkle in His eye, He says to me "Watch for me.  I am coming with God sized deliverance".   This is what has been on my heart the last few weeks as we prepare to enter 2011.

I recently watched the movie "Faith Like Potatoes" in case you were wondering where my potato  analogy came from.   So often the work that God is doing goes on out of our sight.  We have seasons of planting. Seasons of waiting.  Seasons of trusting. Seasons of drought.    Then there is the harvest...the day we see with our own eyes what God has been doing all along beneath the surface.  We stand amazed at how beyond our own understanding, striving, complaining, figuring, and short sighted perspective....God had a plan.  His timing was perfect.  He has provided.   All I have left to do is praise Him.

For the last couple years , in certain areas of our life, we have walked through a hostile desert.  We have loved and we have lost.  We have seen miracles and we have seen devastation.   We haven't always understood.   I have grown weary and I have despaired.  This past year has once again brought the baseness of human nature up close and personal.   We have walked in faith trusting that God knows, God sees. God will bring  His light.  This was a year of persevering in obedience through the drought.  I can't help but anticipate and wonder how God will rain down his mercy and glory this coming year.  This may not be the year for a torrential down-pour of his healing, only another year of drought, but for some reason I feel the clouds are gathering and I'm longing for a deluge.  A front row view of  the pain also gives us a front row view of His redemption of it.  That is a pretty spectacular place to be...even if we are all ragged and worn when that time comes.  Sometimes that may not come until  we enter eternity.  I really suck at the waiting...especially where injustice is involved.

In other areas of our life we wait expectantly.  I am waiting with anticipation to see what God has for us around the next bend.  Beyond what I can see.   Where will we go?  Who will we love? What circumstances will God take us through to teach us what we need to understand?  I am wondering what this next year will bring and because there are so many loose ends, unknowns, and impossible situations....I know we will see God's miraculous provision.   That is exciting to me.   In my  immediate family there are two adoptions being processed.  Just two examples of active waiting.  Waiting on God's perfect timing and provision.

We are also praying about our desire to return to Mexico.  There are so many obstacles that we have given to the Lord.  Now we wait...and hope...and anticipate.    Maybe God has something entirely different for us.

Things do NOT always happen like I want them to, or  like I think they should.  That does not for a second mean that God is not working.

Sometimes I envision the end result, I see God's redemption in a situation.  I hear His calling.  I feel God's heart,  I see someone with His eyes....but I usually have no clue as to how or when HIS plan will come to pass.  Even when we can't see how, His promises remain.  
 I have very little concept of how my tiny role, my willingness to be used, emptied, even despised, will be a part of that plan.  I run into trouble when I try to take matters into my own hands and rush ahead of God.

 Moses was given the vision of freedom for his people.  He was given the passion and the burden.  He then rushed out to stand up to injustice and caused only more problems as a result.  The Hebrew people he tried to free despised him.  The Pharaoh wanted to kill him.  It is interesting though that God used even Moses' blunders to take him to where he needed to be.    It was't until Moses graduated from 40 years of humility training in the desert that God used Moses to bring his people out of their bondage.  The result was miraculous.  I'm sure everyone had lost hope by that point that God was going to intervene on behalf of his people.


God is going to redeem that which is most broken, enslaved, lost, and wounded.   God works through His people.
"Watch and see it will not be unredeemed".

God is bringing some good things into the lives of those who he has raised up out of the pit. The lowest, the weakest, the most despised...they will inherit the blessings of His kingdom that He delights to give.  His hand also brings justice and will humble the hard and the proud.  His hand will right wrongs, extend unfathomable grace, and reclaim what was lost.  

He will " rip the deadness out  and plant something new".
And so I wait in joyful anticipation for that new work.
"I will abide in the life giving blood of Christ.  I'm grafted in."

This may seem like a strange song to include in this post. It may seem like a strange song period. Maybe this is  a strange post in general.   There are likely songs that are more inspiring or applicable but for some reason I am drawn to this one today.   (don't forget to push pause on the music playlist at the bottom of my blog first).

Through the Smoke

I've been thinking a lot lately about the nature of illusions and how prevalent they are in our society and in our human nature. In the past few years of my life all innocence to the existence of deception and facades has been annihilated. That is not at all an enjoyable thing to experience. The world is a much more pleasant place when all we see is pretty colorful masks.

It seems every time I turn a corner I see and hear about another example of people with deep dark secrets. Secrets that they were able to keep hidden from the people closest to them...spouses, best friends, children.

The church elder who had a secret "sex addiction" and spent his retirement savings on prostitutes without his wife knowing.

The woman who had the illusion of the perfect home, perfect family and perfect life but on the inside was broken and looking for love outside her home.

The same woman who could look her husband and her closest friends in the eyes and most convincingly assure them that she was definitely NOT having an affair with another man. Even the suggestion was an insult to her.

The trusted and respected teacher who molested children when his adoring fans weren't looking.

The father ,admired and respected in his community, violating his own daughter behind the closed doors of his phony life.

The man with two completely separate lives, two separate families...who had no idea that the others existed.

The handsome charming young man with the best voice in the church choir who beneath the mask was wicked and perverse.

I could go on and on. All it takes is watching the news to see people with secret addictions, secret scandals, and secret sexual acts that they managed to hide from everyone who "knew" them.

If someone is determined to hide something they are ashamed of or don't want to be caught in ...they will likely succeed in doing so. Often they do this by making their unreal life seem more real. They polish their mask and they paint their image. They respond with defensiveness, more lies, blame , accusations, and even dramatic displays of hurt...when the reality beneath the farce is ever exposed or suspected.

As humans we want to believe what we see and what we have been told. We trust our eyes. We see neatly painted picked fences, beautifully arranged china tea cups, home baked cookies, smiling faces and "perfect" families. How could anything else more sinister exist behind that image?

How could child abuse exist in a "good Christian family"?

How could a PTA attending soccer mom be secretly addicted to drugs?

How can good and evil be mixed up together in one heart?

When we are deceived by illusion we are prone to be cynical, severe and cruel in our judgement and treatment of others. We obstinately see the world in black and whites. In pretty tea cups served with a smile or in vicious monsters out to destroy. The two worlds never cross. They never mix. People are either completely good or the embodiment of evil.

BUT....the disillusionment which comes from God brings us to the place where we see men and women as they really are. We can look at reality and yet feel no cynicism and we do not have biting bitter things to say. We see people as broken , hurting humans in need of grace and redemption. We see bad choices, entrapment of sin and un-dealt with hurts. We see fallible human beings that struggle with every kind of temptation. We see the same capacity to sin in our own hearts.

So many of life's problems stem from deception and ignorance. When those qualities of deception and ignorance exist in partnership...we are not true to one another in facts...we are only true to the ideas and perceptions we have of one another.

So many times we gasp and exclaim "It can't be...he would NEVER do something like that!" without actually knowing the truth of the situation. We see everyone as either lovely and good , or ugly and villainous. The unfortunate part of that type of categorizing is that so often what we see as good and beautiful is only a mask, an act, and a farce.

Sometimes the bad co -exists with the good and both are reality. "Good"people do bad things and "bad" people do good things.

We sometimes write people off as "dangerous " without ever actually looking past our assumptions to the reality of their lives or who they really are. Without ever walking a mile in their shoes...or ever even looking at their shoes.

As humans we are prone to judge. One thing to remember before we categorize people as either lovely or horrible, villain or victim, is that there is always more going on than we can see. There are always things that we are not aware of, things that have been hidden, or things that we have not taken into account.

If we love a human being but do not allow God to break our illusions, we demand perfection of that person and when we do not get that we become cruel. There is no room for mistakes, for struggles, for unexpected hardships. What is it about our society and our human nature that wants to idolize people and put them on a pedestal?

When people are courageous enough to share their struggles or to unveil their hurts we become bitter self righteous judges. When people keep their struggles, their sin, their shame cloaked in darkness we are more comfortable. We would rather live with pleasant lies than ugly truth.

The only way to face life in the realm of reality is to come to terms with the fact that there is something in human nature that will laugh in the face of every ideal you have. If you stubbornly refuse to agree with the fact that there is something self-seeking, spiteful, and wrong at the heart of human beings (even the ones with the prettiest masks)you will never know people as they really are. You will never see past that mask.

The recognition of human nature and sin does not destroy relationships, it provides the foundation for reality and a relationships based on that foundation.

Even so, it really hurts to learn that what you thought was real is only a land of make believe and the people you love betrayed your trust. There are steps of grief involved when a mask is removed and the person you thought you knew never really existed...not in the same way you saw them before anyway. However that is where real life begins. That is where the hard core stuff of acceptance, decisions, grace, forgiveness and healing happens. With our masks still firmly in place and our heads deeply rooted in sand all that we have is quick judgments, assumptions and fairy tales.

Jesus never trusted in human nature, but he was never cynical or cruel when he came face to face with the ugliness beneath the mask. He trusted absolutely in what HE could do for human nature.

 Adults have no business being innocent to reality. Virtuous, pure and blameless , yes. Head in the sand ignorant , no.  It is a detriment to remain blinded to the reality of sin in the lives of ourselves and people we love.

Deception is an ugly word...but the reality of deception is it is usually made to look lovely and innocent. I don't believe Satan is a pitch fork yielding hideous looking creature...he was an "angel of light". He is now the father of lies and deception. He is the creator of the first mask. His mask is the cloak of harmlessness and innocence. Those who practice deception, those who are unable to speak truth, wear the same cloak. On the surface we see alluring beauty. We see distracting fingers of blame pointed in so many different directions that we miss seeing what is not so deeply hidden.
Lies and masks are like a self preserving smoke machine. The smoke spewed is so thick and continual that ,when we are in the middle of it, we can no longer see what is real and what is illusion. We become unable to see what is going on behind that cloud. The person creating the smoke feels safe and the secrets stay hidden. Slanderous gossip, lies and angry blame are also forms of smoke meant to distract us from reality. Those forms of smoke are particularly stinging ,confusing and damaging. Can we see past that smoke long enough to really find the truth?

Are we living our lives in honesty or are we pasting on our phony smiles and shoving more skeletons in our closets?

Do we share our shame and struggles with those closest to us or do we hide them?

Do we have people in our lives that ask the hard questions, keep us accountable, and redirect us when we stray?

Do we keep our spiritual eyes and discerning minds open to difficult reality or do we prefer comfortable smoke, time worn rhetoric and easy answers?

Are we living real and genuine lives before God and others?

Where people are involved, things will not always be what they seem. The fact is, people hide things they don't want others to see. Ever since Adam and Eve hid in shame from God in the garden of Eden. Ever since a young man murdered his brother and pretended not to know where his brother was.

  Sin and deception go hand in hand.

We cover our dirtiness with masks instead of allowing ourselves to actually be cleansed and forgiven.

People hurt. People disappoint. People fall.

That is why people need a Savior.

This is a bit of Hebrew poetry written by an Ancient King named David. It provides a glimpse of how God feels about deception. This was written before grace came to us, born in a stable, able to redeem even the vilest sinner.

  God never white washes and pretends sin doesn't exist. He is able, however, to remove the darkest stain.

"You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil;

with you the wicked cannot dwell.

The arrogant cannot stand in your presence;

you hate all who do wrong.

You destroy those who tell lies;

blood thirsty and deceitful men the Lord abhors.

But I, by your great mercy,

will come into your house;

in reverence will I bow down toward your holy temple.

Lead me , O Lord, in your righteousness

because of my enemies -

make straight your way before me.

Not a word from their mouths can be trusted.

their heart is filled with destruction.

Their throat is an open grave.

with their tongue they speak deceit.

Declare them guilty o God!

Let their intrigues be their downfall.

Banish them for their many sins,

for they have rebelled against you.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;

let them ever sing for joy.

Spread your protection over them,

that those who love your name

may rejoice in you.

For surely , oh Lord, you bless the righteous;

you surround them with your favor as with a shield." Psalms 5:4-12

Struck down but not destroyed.

I don't have any cute pictures today. In fact I'm in kind of a picture taking slump. Perhaps because my decent Panasonic camera is still out of order. Or perhaps because ,compared to life this winter, my life at the moment seems a little mundane. Not that mundaneness stopped me before. There is beauty in the little things and the monotonous moments of life. I think I'm just forgetting to look.

I'm posting because I need to write. It's that or tear into an unopened bag of chocolate chips. I have no idea what I am planning on writing about. I will figure it out as I go....and I may or may not delete the whole mess afterward. If you are reading this I obviously chose the latter.

I am living in a bit of new baby sleep deprived fog right now. It has been snowing and or raining for what seems like an eternity. A combination of those two factors is making me feel slothful, unmotivated and like I have the physical composition of Jello. I need some fresh air , exercise and alone time which the above two factors are complicating. I have found that instead of exercise, food is a rather effective substitute for soothing an uninspired, tired, emotionally worn out mom. This is not helping the Jello butt issue in the least. Yep I said it.

Our new little baby "Miss Cece" is doing really well. She actually slept for 5 straight hours last night and is adjusting very well to her lower dose of drug withdrawal medication. As long as she gets a little prune juice every day we are all much happier. She has a head full of gorgeous black hair, beautiful dark brown eyes, big chubby cheeks and the cutest little cupids bow lips. As usual I'm madly in love already. She has made a virtually seamless entrance into the fabric of our family life.

On a different topic....

There is a situation in my life right now that has been a major burden. It has simmered unchecked for decades and inevitably it has escalated into complete chaos and heartache.

This blog is my journal. It is where I am completely transparent about who I am. The good, the bad and the jiggly. It's my glass house. My living testimony. As you know I am pretty much an open book. I am however, exceedingly careful not to open other peoples books. There are always things in my life that I, out of respect, cannot discuss.

This is my place to process and share my own struggles and heart ache as well as my joys, hopes, and silliness.

Within the walls of my home, my marriage, my sanctuary and my immediate family, we are all good, healthy and thriving. I thank God for that. The problem is that sometimes other peoples mess, hate, and bitterness infiltrate and threaten to take our peace. We find ourselves dealing with issues and situations we never imagined we would have to face.

I have personally, in my life, never been hated. I guess I never expected to be.

I'm sure there have been people who don't particularly like me or what I stand for, or find me annoying, but I've never been passionately hated...until now. It's a crappy feeling.

It would be one thing if I could trace the hostility to some sin, or actions of my own. I would repent, attempt to reconcile and move on. That is not the case.

My sin is loving someone deemed unlovable.

I have touched the untouchable.

I broke rank.

I am not a perfect person. In fact I am very candid about my mistakes and shortcomings. I am just some raw material that God is molding for His purpose. However, I continually give myself over to be searched in the light of God's holy love. As his Spirit works and grows in me there will always be things that he brings to my attention that need to be weeded out and dealt with. I think that when we are convinced of our own self-righteousness and ultimate wisdom that we run into trouble. Pride will always get in the way of knowledge and wisdom. It cannot co-exist with empathy and grace.

The rub is....I will never be able to defend myself or clear up the misinformation because my voice has been effectively stripped away....just like the voice of the last person that was silenced. My reputation, character, personality, sanity, and motives have been so twisted, distorted, lied about and slandered that if it weren't so hurtful and sad the absurdity would be down right comical.

We dealt with a lot of this mess, on the down low, while we were away in Mexico. It was hurtful, distracting and stressful. We decided we needed to separate ourselves from the toxicity and put up some healthy boundaries. We were in Mexico to minister to and love children, not to deal with toxic people thousands of miles away. We have done our absolute best at staying completely out of the frenzy, physically and emotionally.

Now that we are home ,we are once again facing a misdirected firing squad and I am at a loss of what to do but stand here and take it. Not quite what I had hoped for. Forgiveness and knowledge are hard work. Anger is easier.

We all make choices.

I will always choose to stand for mercy, love, grace, forgiveness, compassion, healing and truth.

... even if that means I will bear the wrath of others who choose to dwell in bitterness and blame. I can't just give lip service to those things and then live a life contrary to them. I'm pretty sure I can't fool God.

The funny thing about bitterness, hatred and ungodly rage is that it is generally rooted in fear and fueled by ignorance. There is nothing "righteous" about it. It is nothing short of sin.

Rage needs an object of it's wrath or it will be shown for the foundation-less, empty emotion that it is. If there is no justification for the rage it will make something up.

I am pretty thick skinned. I don't offend easily. I'm a strong and resilient woman. I used to think I could stand up under quite a bit.

The thing is, I can only be alienated, called hideous things, betrayed by those I love and lied about so many times before it starts to inflict some wounds. I think what is even harder to take is listening to hatred and slander being openly expressed about people I love.

I don't want those wounds to fester.

It hurts, but I refuse to succumb to bitterness. That would make me part of the problem. Instead I will choose to forgive...as difficult a process as that may prove to be. As those hurts turn to bitter thoughts I must take each one of them captive and not let them take hold.

My question is ....how do I balance healthy boundaries (keeping the bad out and the good in) with turning the other cheek and blessing those who curse me? Any advice? I will not and cannot be a scapegoat for someone else's sin and dysfunction. I will not allow my family and my children to be a part of that. It isn't healthy, in fact its toxic. That is not a legacy that I will allow to be passed onto my children.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."

That's a tough one. It's hard enough to just tolerate those who curse me.. but bless? I'm going to have to mull that one around for a while. If any of you out there in blog world have words of Godly wisdom or experience please share them with me. I know where I need to be and where I need to go with my hurts but sometimes I'm having trouble getting there. I know I need to take them to the feet of Christ and let them go. Offense is the bait of Satan. It's so appealing and alluring to coddle our hurts, take offense and allow bitterness to grow but it leads to a deadly trap.

It goes against my nature not to stand up against injustice and cruelty. In fact it goes against every fiber of who God made (and is still making) me to be. In this situation it appears there can't even be a rational resolution or logical discussion to satisfy my desire for civil restoration. I don't like unresolved conflict, but even though it's directed at me, it is not something in my power to resolve. I accept that now. I can't reason with unreason.

I can't clear up misunderstandings and misinformation when they are already carved into stone.

That is uncomfortable for me.

Why can't I just let it go? Slide off my back and not let it hurt me? I think it comes down to my desire to be liked. After all, I'm a good person...shouldn't good people, with good motives and good actions be liked? I guess if you look in the Bible that isn't usually the case. In fact the opposite is often true.

Unresolved bitterness and un-forgiveness is cancer to the soul. Being that our body, mind and spirit are all so interconnected there is no part of us that will be not be unaffected by it. I won't live like that. I won't die like that.

I know without a doubt I have sought to keep peace as much as it depends on me. However, sometimes peace at any cost....comes with a high a price tag. Sometimes creating the illusion of peace means that someone will be sacrificed, people will need to be silenced and sin will need to be covered and ignored. That is not healing. That does not allow forgiveness or reconciliation. It's such a delicate and complicated balance to face issues head on in a spirit of grace and reconciliation. There's a pretty steep learning curve.

I have honestly never in my life been through a season of such strong spiritual warfare, such discouragement and oppression. I have never in my life been under such a barrage of fiery arrows meant to wound and destroy. Despite this, I have also felt God very close as I put on my armour and face the battle on my knees in prayer. For the first time in my life every word of the Psalms of David are direct prayers from my own heart.

I guess if I'm on Satan's radar...I must be doing something right. God must be up to something big if Satan won't let go of his death grip without a fight.

You can test a tree by it's fruit. Is the fruit bitter and sour or is it nourishing and life giving? The tricky thing is sometimes we judge the fruit without ever getting close enough to actually taste and touch it. We make assumptions based on appearances or what we have been told alone and judge the whole tree. Do our words give life and hope or do they tear down and destroy?

Out of the mouth comes the overflow of the heart.

Still, it grieves me. It grieves me because the ripple effects of sin are always so far reaching and so damaging. It grieves me because this is not God's will.

 He has given us the freedom to choose. We can choose to be closed minded, heard hearted, and unloving or we can choose mercy.  God will not be mocked.

Life is messy. Sometimes it gets down right ugly and we have no control over that.

What I can control is my attitude toward others (even those who hate me) and my spiritual orientation which , like a sail to the wind, must be constantly re-adjusted.

So this is me.

Growing. Praying. Loving.

The world can spiral into chaos around me.

I have peace. I have faith. I have joy. I have loving relationships.

I have God's all consuming passionate love.

He KNOWS me.

That's truly all I need.

No one can take those things from me. No one can touch that.

I have a guilt-free conscience that has been laid bare and cleansed. I have peace that goes to the very depth of my soul.

I will choose to respect, forgive, and show grace.

If that's all I can do then that is enough. God is big enough for all the rest.

I can stand in the middle of turmoil and chaos and honestly say - It is well with my soul.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.

He is my shield and the horn of my salvation,

my stronghold.

I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and

I am saved from my enemies."