An Exhausted Mom's Survival Guide

Self Care is a topic I have very little natural interest in.  In all honesty any time I hear people talking about "self care" I think about Oprah type motivational speakers, or ladies ministry groups painting flower pots and I want to gag.

I realize it may seem odd to make that assertion and then proceed to write about the topic.

I find in our culture today we are inundated with "self".  We are implored to love ourselves more, to exult ourselves higher,  and to put our own needs ahead of those around us.  It's everywhere, even drilled into every child via innocent cartoon characters.   "Just follow your heart" and "Believe in yourself" are the theme of most every children's program I overhear my little one's watching.  After a while I just find it nauseating.   Self love, self esteem, self preservation, self glory self...self...self...me..me...me...blah...blah...blah.

We are raising generations of completely delusional, hyper-sensitive, narcissistic nut balls who expect the world to validate and celebrate their every whim, desire or thought.  Social media has only poured fuel on the fire of self worship.

Biblically speaking we are commanded to love others as we love ourselves.  This is making the assumption that we already naturally love ourselves. We generally don't need to make it a goal or put any effort into it.  We are selfish by nature. Even when we serve others we are tainted by self serving motives and hopes.  If anything our problem is not a lack of self love but a distracting preoccupation with it.  The command is to love others and love God.

Because I need regular reminders to set aside my own bent toward selfishness and self preoccupation I avoid most topics of "self" altogether.  Simply because they often wander down that trail.
I'm convinced that my own joy has little to do with how much comfort, luxury, and ease my life contains. I'm also convinced that rather than seek to focus on ourselves more, we are far more content when we get over ourselves.

That being said as a caregiver to many small people, including children with various health considerations and special needs, I can't ignore the topic of self care altogether or lump it together with all the other nonsense.  I've been trying to figure out what does a healthy concept of "self care" look like for me, while also being committed to caring for others?

I'm going to back up a little and let you in on what started me thinking about this topic.

In about November of last year I hit a wall.

I'm naturally a push through, tough it out, do the next thing, and take the next step kind of a person. I'm really great at ignoring flashing warning lights, making another cup of coffee, and muscling through.  Tired is just a normal state of being when you have six children but cumulative months and years of stress, demands, sleep deprivation, and constant busyness had started to take their toll.  I entered a new state of exhaustion that I could no longer afford to ignore and I had nothing left to push through with.  I guess burning the candle at both ends only works until it melts and you burn your fingers on two flames.  Then you have no choice but to drop what's left.

It's hard to explain unless you've been there.  Completely drained to the dregs. I became so overwhelmed with the energy it took to just muddle through the day that anything extra expected of me was next to impossible. Just the thought of getting the kids out the door and into the car took more than I had to give, and anyone with kids knows there is always somewhere to go and something that needs to be done.   I seriously felt like the gravity pull had increased exponentially and like I was walking knee deep in mud.

My mind was a fog, my spirit was dull, and my body was weak.
Totally done.

So, that began my self assessment.  I've always viewed my body as a sort of a functional machine. Something of value that was given to me as a gift and that I need to steward well.  Clearly I wasn't doing a very good job.

In Hebrew there is a word "Nephesh".  {soul, self, life, creature, person, appetite, mind, living being, desire, emotion, passion}.  It encompasses what it is to be human. Our "nephesh" makes up our whole person. When any of those components of who we are is undernourished or wounded the others parts suffer as well.  When multiple facets of who we are become drained we're in trouble.  A downward spiral can happen relatively quickly and the more exhausted you become the less strength you have to pull up out of the nose dive.  Sometimes all you've got left is a weak cry for help to a God who hears and knows. Weakness is not something that should be feared, in fact in understanding our own weakness we are made strong.  My problem is remembering to stay connected to the one who will continually fill me as I pour myself out.  I unwittingly cut myself off from the Creator of "nephesh" and the source of life.  Before anything else I must nurture my affections for Him and remind myself of who I am.

I should clarify that I am naturally a very low maintenance girl.  My idea of a manicure is using a pair of nail clippers when my nails start to get in the way.  I have had a pedicure once in my 38 years of life.  I get my hair cut and highlighted twice a year. I absolutely hate shopping. I'm not much for fashion, or dressing up, or beauty products, or going out on the town.  I'm a home body who enjoys very simple pleasures. I think it's harder for people like me, those who don't require or expect much pampering to take care of themselves.  My idea of "Self Care" may look very basic and unspectacular.  But it's the basics that are essential.

Here are a few very simple things that can help pull us out of that nose dive of exhaustion and complete burnout.  These may seem painfully obvious but sometimes the obvious needs to be said. I know I will need to review and assess on a regular basis.

1.  Rest.  This seems the most obvious but at the same time can feel the most impossible.  There is a difference between getting much needed sleep and soul satisfying rest and rejuvenation.  Sometimes we  just desperately need alone time like lungs need oxygen, particularly if you're an introvert surrounded by hyperactive extroverts like I am. It's hard for my husband to understand this need since he is energized by being around other people.  I need silence and peace.  I need to wander and slide around in my own thoughts.  I need to sit in silence and pray. I need to not be needed or beckoned by anybody every once in a while. I occasionally need to drink a cup of tea or coffee right to the bottom without having to warm it up in the microwave.  To me that is restful. Maybe that's why I enjoy late evening when the house has gone quiet.  Sadly this need for quiet aloneness competes with my even greater physical need for sleep.

2.  Sleep.   I generally feel guilty if I take a nap and consider it a waste of time but sometimes making a nap a priority is a necessity not a luxury.  I'm horrible for putting myself to bed on time.  Mainly because of #1.  I so cherish that hour or two between when the kids are tucked away and when I drift off to sleep.  Self discipline is helpful in this area, and too often self discipline is something I lack.  As mothers we cannot control what our nights will be like because we are on call 24 hrs a day.  That may mean waking with a baby every two hours for months on end.  That may mean unexpected sickness, nightmares, wet beds, or children crawling into my bed and sticking their little feet in my face.  Sleep is a precious commodity.  It must be carefully guarded and sought after.  Every once in a while us night owls need to force ourselves to go to bed early.  Without sleep everything else starts to fall apart.

2. Take care of the machine.  Basically, don't neglect basic maintenance. Go to the dentist.  Get a physical and some blood work done if you chronically feel horrible and exhausted.  Make (and keep) that chiropractor appointment if you are living with chronic back and neck pain.  These are all things I added to my calendar this winter. I have had some health issues lingering for years that I have just never bothered to get to the bottom of. This advice can seem so obvious but I think it had been years since I had gone and got a check-up for only myself. It can be such an logistical inconvenience, if not next to impossible, to make appointments like these that they just get put off indefinitely.  Too often it just doesn't seem worth it unless it's an emergency situation, but I can't take care of others very well if I don't take care of my own health. So much of our health is completely out of our control, but we should do what we can to maintain the gift of health we have been given. That leads into my next point.

3. Nutrition.  It's a fact that a person who is chronically sleep deprived and exhausted will crave sugar and empty calories.  The body is desperately trying to find fuel to keep moving.  I can attest to this.  When I'm feeling my most depleted my natural tendency is to reach for simple carb filled calories and caffeine in an attempt to soothe emotionally and find energy.  This is part of the downward spiral that I have to resist.  I now try to begin the day with a smoothie packed with nutrition rather than a quick piece of toast, bowl of cereal, or just a cup of coffee. It's a quick and easy way to sneak in stuff my body needs. Good nutrition doesn't need to be fancy, gimmicky, or expensive,  Get some protein, even if it's a simple boiled egg at breakfast.  Eat fresh fruits and vegetables.  Make sure you get some healthy oils in your diet. Take some extra supplements if you feel you're lacking in certain nutrients (for example Calcium).  Vitamin B supplements make a difference for me as far as energy goes.  Make sure you're getting some iron rich foods.  All of these little things can take a few extra minutes or some planning but you will feel better if your diet doesn't consist entirely of scraps off your preschoolers plate and chocolate stashes in your closet.

4.  Fresh air and movement.  For some reason this one is hard to do.  Maybe it's because for several months out of the year I live cooped up in a house inside a giant dark freezer.  Going out for "fresh air" is not that fun, and I hate the cold.  Maybe it's because the thought of bundling a gaggle of little people up to go with me is overwhelming. Now that the weather has turned toward Spring I am trying to get out and go for a walk (usually pushing a stroller and corralling a five year old on a bike).  It's not exactly a work out routine but it's a baby step toward feeling more alive.  Now that the daylight is starting to stick around longer my goal is to go out after the Little's are in bed and start jogging again. Since my Junior High years I have been an on again off again runner.  The "off" has mostly lasted for the past several years.  I've always had good intentions to start up again but it wasn't until I broke my leg a year and a half ago that I really realized I had been taking my legs for granted and hadn't been using them to their best potential.  Recovering from that injury forced me to become even more sedentary and then I kind of got used to not seeking out physical activity like I used to.  It's a cycle I hope to break this Spring and I'm really hoping my formerly injured leg can keep up!  If I can't run I at least want to do some brisk walking.  Oh good Heavens, I sound old! Maybe I should take up shuffle board or horse shoes.

5.  Take time for something that you enjoy.  Something that recharges your batteries, something that makes you feel like more than just a "mom, something that relaxes, inspires or challenges you.  The concept of an actual hobby actually illicits chortles of laughter inside me.  It's right up there with sleeping in.  It seems like a ridiculously wild and unrealistic dream but it doesn't have to be extravagant.  What floats your boat?  Take an art class, join a sports team, or go to a movie alone. Try doing crafts (that is SO not my idea of fun...but to each his own), writing, hiking, gardening, blogging, scrap booking (ACK! even writing that stresses me out), taking photos, visiting with friends, reading....it could be anything really.  Find something that will make you feel like you, and make some guilt free time for it.  Totally easier said than done though. With this one I really have to resist developing an attitude of entitlement or demand "me-time" when I need to be giving others my time. That attitude of entitlement to "me-time" can create life sucking resentment, impatience, and general grouchiness. That attitude doesn't foster peace, gratitude and generosity.  So, we do need to carve out some time for simple pleasure and fun, but not at the expense of letting the truth of the gospel fill and refresh us as we continue to give of ourselves. That is a much stronger and less fleeting foundation. I find that the more I focus on "me-time" the more I resent anything that gets in the way of my little kingdom of self.

6. Feed your mind and soul.  Keep learning, keep growing, and keep pushing forward into the grace fuelled sanctification process.  Stretch your mind, learn to listen and discover new perspectives on various topics of interest.  I'll be honest with you.  Parenting turns my brain to mush.  Maybe even literally.  Some days I can't even remember my own phone number. We need to put something into our minds that will push out the Frozen song lyrics, and mind numbing chatter, and remind us that we are in fact adults.  Read, study, and pray.  When you don't have any moments to be still and quit, play music that will feed your soul or put on your headphones and listen to podcasts that will stretch your mind and nurture your affections for Christ.  What we put into our hearts and minds is as important as what we put into our bodies.  Guard it and feed it well.

7. Accomplish something.  I know that adding something else to the forever looming unfinished "to-do" list doesn't sound like self care but after the previous things are taken care of, venturing into this goal can actually make a difference.  Something small and doable.  Something that has been hanging over your head, or something that you have never made time to do but would either enjoy doing or feel satisfied having done it.  I'm not talking about the giant looming mountain of laundry that you never see the bottom of, or the endless rounds of dishes, or any other routinely mind numbing chore.  Something outside of the usual.  Something that actually has a start and a finish (unlike most other things we spend their time doing).  Being a full time at home mom (which I realize is a rare thing these days) can leave me feeling like I accomplish nothing while at the same time always being busy.  It can be psychologically draining and defeating after a while.  So, whether it's refinishing a piece of antique furniture, planting some flowers, or cleaning out a closet, the feeling of accomplishment and a job well done might just put a spring in your step.  This shouldn't be something to add to the weight of your oppressive list of things you failed to get done...if possible it should be something that you can escape into for a while and feel good about doing.  An example of this is I recently took the time to put a few of our trips to Baja Mexico into My Publisher photo books. Precious family memories and digital photos were tucked away in an external hard drive and had never been put into any hard copy format that could be enjoyed.  It was a bit tedious and time consuming but this was something I have been wanting to do for years.  I thoroughly enjoyed sifting through old photos and creating something that would help preserve some great family memories.

8. Change the scenery.  This will admittedly take some physical energy to pull off.  Whether it's trading the sweat pants and T-shirt streaked with kid snot for some "I get to leave my house today" clothes and just going out for a cup of coffee, or going on a little family vacation, sometimes a change is as good as a break.  Even if you have all your kids in tow. So often we just need to get away from the looming mess that is our house, the distraction of internet and phone calls, and the stress that our "to-do" list holds.  We need to see new things, experience new places, and be reminded of so much beauty around us.  We need to be reminded that we actually enjoy our children. Sometimes a change of location and scenery helps to clear our cloudy vision and mirky attitude.

9.  Make some changes.  Living in a constant state of stressed out exhaustion is not sustainable.  It's not healthy or helpful.  You may think you're pulling it off but the ulcer, high blood pressure, or weight fluctuation will expose our self deception.  I believe we can live lives that are graciously poured out, used to their fullest, and filled with beautiful life giving sacrifices without being overwhelmed to the point of burn out. I'm not sure I have that equation figured out.  Sometimes we just need to say "no" to more non essentials.  We need to let go of some "good" things for something that is much better.  Our kids don't need to be in every activity, sport, or lesson under the sun.  Limiting  extra curricular activities and commitments is an easy way to reclaim family time and some sanity.  Be careful what you choose to volunteer for.  We need to be willing to serve and minister to others but we need to be intentional and focused in how we use our time.  I cannot be on every committee, attend every meeting, or join every club.  This year we made some changes to our daily family dynamic and for the first time in 5 years we have all our school aged kids attending public school.  It may be only for a year or two and we may have more home based educating in our future but this was a change we all needed. This isn't a post about homeschooling so I won't get into the details of that but after weighing some pros and cons the scales tipped into the favour getting some of the kids out of the house and into a respite school. So far it has been a positive year for everybody, and has made me thankful for the years we were able to spend investing into our kids at home.  When it comes right down to it, you may just need to adjust your expections and standards.  I love a clean and organized home, however I am outnumbered by 7 people who do not have that standard as their goal and, in fact, try their very hardest to create the opposite.  Someday my house will be tidy and quiet.  Until then, I won't waste my time and energy fretting over it all the time.

10.  Ask for help and accept offers of it.  I just plain suck at this one.  Not gonna lie.  That's why I put it the very last.  What I know to be true, and what my pride allows are often two different things. We were created to live in genuine, grace saturated, vulnerable, community with others. We can't do this thing alone.  As Christians we were not saved to live solitary lives but rather into a body of other sisters and brothers who will help to shoulder our load and speak truth into our dull and weary hearts.  When you are faced with more unique parenting challenges like parenting a child with a disability, learning disorder, or some other special need seek out others who can relate and who can help equip you for the daily grind.  Encouragement, experience, humour, understanding...these are all life lines when you are in the trenches of parenting a child with special needs or navigating the crazy world of adoption and fostering.  All parents need encouragement and support regardless of the specifics of each family dynamic.   It doesn't matter if you're a brand new mom learning how to parent your first child, or an older seasoned mom with a house full of teenagers.  Parenting is tough stuff.

Carry on soldiers.

Now I must go finish the supper dishes and go to bed.

The Other Mother

"Mommy, why didn't I grow in your tummy?"

Questions like that have the ability to stop the rotation of the earth for just a moment.  Tucked into the mundane business of an ordinary day comes a question that leaves you breathless and makes your mind spin for answers appropriate for an inquisitive little girl busy planning her fifth birthday party.

When we first decided to adopt our daughter someone asked us "Will you tell her she's adopted?"

That question left me dumbfounded and suppressing many sarcastic responses underneath a polite "yes, of course we will tell her".

The other option is that we could just keep it a big family secret, that everyone knows about, and hope she doesn't figure it out.  I mean the fact that she looks completely different than her parents could simply be genetic coincidence right? Or maybe we could sit her down on her 18th birthday and with long drawn sober faces explain that her life has been a fraud.  I knew we would tell her but I didn't know how.

Things have changed a bit in recent generations.

We knew this was new territory that we would need to navigate carefully but yet we had some time to figure it out as we moved forward.  That buffer zone of time elapsed very quickly.

I resolved early on to create an atmosphere before I needed to give explanations.

Our strategy was to lay a solid foundation of love and security.  A foundation strong enough to support all the hard things later on.  A foundation that will support questions about identity, belonging, and purpose.  The winds will come later in life, and may leave some marks, but the foundation will remain untouched.  We are her family.  She belongs.  She is loved unconditionally and eternally. She was beautifully created and her life has purpose.

  Even before she could talk I was giving her vocabulary.  I was building those stones into our family structure. Words like "adopted", "coming home", and "forever family" have become as common in our vernacular as words like "born"or "stop chewing with your mouth open".  We intentionally normalized adoption language and the concept of adoption long before our child could define those things.  Our motive for that is to strip those words of their power to shame, divide, or alienate.  It isn't her identity or a label and we aren't obnoxious about it.  It's just a part of our life and her story.

We have surrounded our foundation of security with an atmosphere of normalization.  Before she had any idea of what "adopted" meant, she recognized the word and associated it with being loved.  Being a multi-racial family has added another element to that atmosphere as we intentionally normalize and celebrate our unique qualities and the diversity within our own home.  From the children's books on our bookshelves to the wide variety of different shades and colouring of dolls in our home.  Our positive normal includes a lot of different.

She loves to hear the story of her "coming home" day and will sometimes ask "Mom, can you tell me about the day you got the phone call and came to get me".  I go on to describe all the inconsequential details about the day we got a phone call, quickly packed a diaper bag and drove into the big City.  We met a beautiful 1 month old baby girl with wavy black hair and gorgeous black eyes and we fell instantly in love.  The big sister and big brothers were so excited to meet her and we all loved her endlessly.  That's a summary of the story she has been hearing for the past few years. It's always a happy story that leaves a little girl snuggled up and content in her Mommy or Daddy's arms.

She also loves to look through pages of her baby book which showcases her first year in our family, as well as a handful of photos acquired by others before she came home. In that first page filled with photos I did not take I included a photo of a woman with wavy black hair and dark eyes holding a new baby in a social services office.  It is the only picture we have of the only visit that ever took place.  As I glued that picture into place, unsure of the wisdom behind my action, I trusted that it was right.  After all, this is her story not mine.  I am just the memory keeper.  I am the one that tucks away bits of information and gives dignity now to parts of the story that will hold many hard questions later.

Miss Cece knows this photo.  I've never gone into details, pointed it out, or tried to explain.  I follow a little girls lead.  She is smart though.  Almost too smart.  Lately we have begun to build some information structure on top our foundation and inside our atmosphere of normalized vocabulary.  Not too much too fast, but just enough to satisfy.  Nothing too heavy for a young heart to carry. Simple answers to potentially gut wrenching questions.

A word I have hesitated to use until just this week is "birth mother".  Maybe it creates some insecurity in my own heart.  Maybe I'm afraid that she won't understand and that doubts and fears will creep like rock crushing roots into our carefully laid foundation.

The other day my little girl was sitting on my lap and we were reading through a children's encyclopaedia describing all different body systems, and organs.  I turned the page and discovered a whole section on the development of a baby in the womb.  Both of us captivated, we read through each little bit and discussed the pictures of a baby growing bigger and bigger inside the safety of it's mothers womb.  It was both sweet and sad as I was reminded that I did not carry this one within the safety of my womb.  She belonged to the other Mother then.  Her first Mother.  Her birth Mom.

These photos sparked questions. Questions I hadn't planned to answer that day.  Questions about who's womb she grew in.  She pieced it together by herself and ran to find her baby book.  A quick reading time through a children's encyclopedia had turned into flipping through pages of her baby book and giving the woman with wavy black hair a name, and a title.  Birth Mother.  That's how important conversations happen with our children.  Sacred and profound moments tucked into the monotony of an ordinary day.

My dearest daughter:

You grew in her womb and then you came home and you grew in our arms.  Before our eyes you continue to grow and we love you more with each passing day. You have two Mother's.  Both are real. The woman who carried you in her womb will forever be connected to you.  There are things you share, and time you spent, that will remain between the two of you.  Regardless of circumstances and heartaches (and my wishes that I could rewrite certain chapters of the story), there is a certain dignity and honour in position.  I will always give that respect to your birth Mother, a woman I have never met in person.  I thank her for the gift of life she gave you, and us.

I am your Mommy.  Nothing will ever change that.  I am not a pretend mom or an artificial imitation of one.  We are family.  Real family.  We may not share genetics but we share our lives.  You are no less my own beloved child than if I had carried you in my womb. I remember the day we brought you home as one of the best days of my life.  I didn't know it then, but I was receiving a priceless gift. A tiny girl who would one day become my daughter.  A daughter who is delightful, joy filled, and a ray of sunshine.  A daughter who I am proud of and look forward to witnessing grow into a woman of character, strength, and secure confidence.


For a 5 year old little girl that's enough to chew on for now.  She is satisfied and content.

As the years go on, little by little, more details of her story will be unwrapped.  More questions will come and more answers will be carefully navigated.  Some questions will be left unanswered simply because I don't know. We will be there with her, and for her, as she someday decides what she wants to do with the information she has.

Rarely a day goes by that I do not think about my children's biological families.  I carry them in my heart and prayers.  I feel the weight of their loss, as well as my children's. Even though they do not know it, and I can't fully explain it or understand it, they are a part of our family too.

What I know breaks me to the core but I keep it tucked away as important pieces of a puzzle that she will someday be empowered to put together. The picture that it creates may have some very dark corners but I trust that it will be a beautiful display of redemption and God's grace.

That is how we tell our daughter she is adopted.

Why I don't give my kids an allowance.

I have a confession.  For years I've been hiding the full extent of my parental negligence.  No more.  I'm letting the cat out of the bag.

I do not, nor have I ever, given any of my five children an "allowance".



Years ago when I was a much greener, wet behind the ears, parent I assumed that I would eventually put my children on the dole and that this would be proof my parental provision for them.  They would learn to take care of the money entrusted to them and we would all be happy with the arrangement.
That day never came.  For one reason or another I found other things to spend every last cent of our family's income on.  I squandered it on things like food, shoes that fit growing feet, and keeping the power from being shut off.

Still, I assumed I would give them an allowance someday.  Someday when we had a little more cash left over.  Someday when I'm not such a flake.  Someday when I actually have some sense of stick-to-it-ness, consistency, and follow through. Sadly that day never came...and then it just didn't seem to matter any more.  We still have no cash left over at the end of each month, I'm still a huge flaky space cadet...and somehow my kids have always had everything they need.

I started thinking about it the other day and I realized that what may have started as an unintentional circumstance became something that has actually been quite valuable.  I no longer don't give an allowance by accident...I don't do it on purpose.  If that makes any sort of sense.

I shall preface my reasoning by saying my intention isn't to publicly shame "allowance" giving families, make you feel all icky inside, but rather add perspective to this non-debate and share some observations. In the end I really don't give a flying squirrels fuzzy hiney what other families do with their money.  There is more than one way to skin a cat....or a squirrel.  You parents are quite competent enough to figure out what works for you and your kids.

First of all, not being on a parental dole has taught my kids that they are not entitled to what we have.  Our money is not their money.  This is a lesson best learned before they are expecting us to pay their phone bill when they're 30, or fighting over our inheritance when we croak (or worse yet long before we're dead)....not that there will be one, but you get the point.

They don't, by merely existing, have the right to expect a fistful of dough to be given to them on a regular basis. I want to teach my kids the opposite of entitlement, and it would seem that giving them an allowance would work contrary to that goal.  At least it would make achieving that goal more difficult.

My kids trust that we will look after their needs.  I've told my kids, from the time they could whine, that when they need something we will get it for them.  I ask them if they've ever gone without something they needed and if  they trust that we take care of them.  Often we have purchased what we know they will need (or even just sometimes want) before they even know they need or want it. Sometimes we treat them to something "extra" just because we delight in their delight. We enjoy giving them good things, but I want them to be grateful for what they have.  I want them to carry a simple sense of contentment and gratitude into adulthood with them.

They learn to value money and work for it.  I've noticed something evolving in my oldest kids.  Their rare whine for an allowance, has been replaced with complaining that they need a job.  They are constantly coming up with ways they could make a few extra bucks.  They have been known to scour the ditches for beer cans they can return, or sell lemonade on a hot summer day.  Now that my daughter is 12 she has been babysitting regularly.  She saved up money to take a babysitting course and viewed even that expense as a strategic investment into her budding childcare career.  She is working several hours per week...in fact she was out late babysitting tonight and will be babysitting all day Saturday.  She is a hard worker, she's great with kids, and she doesn't text her friends while she's on the job.  She realizes that if she does a job well it will lead to more jobs.  In the last couple months she has saved up nearly $300 by working hard, proving herself responsible, and not wasting what she did earn.  She now adds up the value of things by asking "how many hours would I have to work to pay for that?".  She doesn't ask us for things she wants, she sets a goal and then goes out and works for it.  Sometimes that goal is just a new pair of jeans.

 My 10 year old son is slightly jealous of his sisters success and is insisting I let him advertise his own lawn mowing business this summer.  I'm not so sure about that one yet, but he is chomping at the bit.   I keep reminding him that if he can prove himself responsible in the small tasks the larger "jobs" will gradually start coming.

One nice thing about the big kids bringing in their own money is that they can buy the things that are "wants".  There is no way on God's green earth that I will buy them a smart phone, or an ipod touch...but I'm more than eager to encourage and cheer on their efforts go buy one themselves. This may sound stingy but mostly it's just reality. When you live off of one income, have five kids to feed, and have some odd priorities like "mission trips" to Mexico and international adoption, the budget gets whittled pretty narrow.  We've been forced to allow them to struggle and "go without" certain things, but now I'm realizing that that struggle is actually a really good thing. I have also noticed that they are generous with the money they earn.   Aili's babysitting money has at times been completely spent on sibling Christmas gifts, and donations to help fund adoptions.

When you work for something you appreciate the value of it, and take care of it.  When you learn to be content you are freed up to be more generous. 

I suppose you could trade an allowance for household chores and create a points system in which an allowance is earned.  I'm just not that organized.

I also think that "chores" are just part of being a family.  I do occasionally pay a child to do an "extra" sort of a non-routine job but for the most part I want my kids to learn that being part of a family, or a community, or a Church means that you serve others. You don't serve in order to get.  You serve your family out of love, and because that's what keeps everything running smoothly.  "Chores" for us constitute anything that needs to be done at any given time.  I really try to avoid the "That's not my job!" scenario.  In this house everything is everyone's job...sometimes certain jobs just get assigned to certain children depending on ability level.

Here's the big idea.  I desire that my kids develop a sense of personal and civic responsibility.  I want them to appreciate what they have and learn what real contentment is.  I want to encourage virtues like ingenuity, creativity, tenacity, and work ethic.  As far as I can tell, not giving them an allowance is just one way to make teaching those things a little easier.

If I'm wrong, they can save up their money to hire a therapist who will sympathize with them as they describe the details of their deprived childhood.





Soli Deo Gloria,

Strength in Weakness

I'm experimenting a bit with my writing, and trying my hand at this blogs first "series".... which sounds better than "cluster of posts that are vaguely connected in theme".
At least "series" is shorter to write.

My previous post was titled "Raise strong kids in a world that plays it safe".   The tricky part is how we define "strong".   I know I'm not feeling particularly strong right now sitting in a recliner with my broken leg up in a cast, and my house crumbing into messy chaos around me.  I'm learning to rest....only because I have no choice in the matter. God has a funny way of knowing where I need to have some sanctifying work done.

As I continue with the theme of "strength", especially as it pertains to parenting,  I have to take a look at what kind of strength we want our kids to have.

That made me really wonder, and caused me to investigate the concept of strength.  What can make a young person go to the ends of the earth proclaiming a message that could get them killed? What sort of strength causes a person to adopt 9 special needs orphans?  What sort of strength is needed for just the daily grind of a faith filled life?  What can we instill in our kids now that will serve them well later?

After running endless points, and examples, through my mind I realized I needed to just start at the very beginning.

1.  Strength in Weakness   (1 Cor. 12:9)

It may sound absurd or backwards but the starting place for "standing strong", is to know that we are weak.  Bear with me.   Like the song I hear sung in my house on a daily basis "Jesus loves me"  states, in it's simple truth,  "they are weak but he is strong".

We have a whole world telling us how wonderful, strong, and good we are.  We have more than enough people telling us that with God on our team we can soar to new heights, be all that we can be, and get all that we can get.  The problem is that Jesus merely becomes another tool in our tool box of self interest, and self improvement.  So I'm not going to tell you that.
Sorry.
That's what we have Oprah for.


The number one thing our kids need to embrace a risk taking strong faith, that will persevere, is to understand their own weakness.  {Jer 17:5-10}  {Romans 3:10}

I'm sorry if that just burst a carefully constructed little self esteem bubble. Don't come after me with pitch forks, and don't fret, it turns out we don't actually need it anyway.

Don't confuse weakness with lack of value, that's not at all what I'm referring to.

In 2 Cor. 6:3, 2 Cor 11:23, and 2 Cor. 11:30  Paul doesn't make much of his long list of credentials and impressive resume because he knows that his strength is not found in his accomplishments or what he has to offer God.

When we come to Jesus with our hands already full, assured of our own righteous worthiness, we are not in a position to receive grace, and marvel at his strength for us.  Fortunately for Paul, Jesus pursued him and loved him enough to show him exactly how weak he was.  As he sat stunned and blinded on a dusty road, I'm sure his impressive ministry credentials didn't mean much.  In recognizing his own blindness, he was given sight.  Strength in weakness.

As a parent, prone to weakness, this is incredibly good news.

Reading about Pauls difficulties makes me wonder what we would say to another mom who was experiencing that degree of trial, trauma and stress with her children? Would we softly, but condescendingly, tell her she needs to get her act together?  Would we assure her that God wants her to overcome every single weakness, so that her life will be easier and her kids will all fall in line?  Would we declare her victory, as if by sheer force of positive thinking we can change her circumstances?

Paul was weak and subject to trials just like us.  The difference is we do our best, as parents, to hide our weaknesses, and we encourage our children to do the same.  In a society that worships success, achievements, and excellence....we assume that the only thing that can possibly glorify God is Teflon coated, squeaky clean, seamless parenting that produces immaculately behaved, well dressed, honor student, children.   In that atmosphere there is little room for admitting defeat, asking for help, or sharing our struggles.  Basically there is little tolerance for being real.

It seems we have made God too small, and ourselves too big.

The weakness, the failures, and the sins in our family are where we learn that we need grace too.   If we dont' realize that ourselves, we can't teach it to our children.  It is in the mercy of affliction that God teaches us to rely completely on Him.   God's sustaining strength is seen and developed in our weakness, and failures.

Letting go of our pride is a freeing thing.

Whether it feels good at the time or not, it truly is a mercy for God to demolish our confidence on our own sufficiency, and strength...or as the case may be, our own preferred parenting method.

It is only when we arrive at that dreaded place of weakness that we realize the surpassing power of Christ.  ( The great thing about parenting is it provides daily proof of my own weakness, and plenty of pride crushing scenarios.  You parents know what I'm talking about....think a busy Walmart during toddler nap time, with 5 kids. ) 


 This knowledge changes how we view and deal with the inevitable humiliating moments of motherhood, or rebellion, or struggles we have with our children.  They become a chance to lean in that much harder and see God at work.  There is value in being dependent, in being brought low.


  "for when I am weak, then I am strong"


The good news of the gospel, and the work of the Holy Spirit produces a truly humble submissiveness of heart.

That, my fellow parent warriors, is the repentant, desperate, heart that takes hold of the gospel, clings to it, and is regenerated and renewed by God's amazing grace.

That is the place to begin.
Our ultimate strength begins with truly understanding our own frailty, and being able to rest in the sufficiency and strength of the One who stands for us.


Until next time,
Carry on, even in your weakness, brave warrior parents.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. There fore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me, That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults , in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  {2 Cor. 12:8-10)

Soli Deo Gloria,

Raise Strong Kids in a World that Plays it Safe.

Hello friends,  I want to take a few posts to discuss some priorities for Christian parents, for my own reminder and benefit as much as anyone else's.   Keep in mind that I'm also teaching this to myself as we go along.

This summer I was asked to teach a session at a Family Bible Camp with the topic of "Parenting kids who stand strong".   The overall  theme of the entire week was "Kingdom Rock" which also happened to be the kids VBS theme of choice in churches all around Christendom, complete with draw bridges, and styro-foam castle bricks, and flowing banners.  I figured the two themes would tie in fairly well together...minus the moat, and the strange medieval costumes.

I panicked slightly, because really...who am I to teach anything, especially being that my kids are still young.  They have not yet entered the fiery trials of adult life. We are still just planting seeds, nurturing small seedlings, and praying for roots to grow....the coming crop remains to be seen.

 Despite my hesitation I decided to do some reading, and studying.   The statistics I found were alarming regarding the droves of young adults who "leave the church" once they leave home.  It made me wonder how many were really part of the Church to begin with, and how many were just along for the ride.  Regardless, it is extremely sobering as a parent.  We cannot, as parents, continue on with status quo.  We no longer live in a "christian culture", actually we no longer even live in a Christian tolerant culture.  The battle for our kids remains the same, however the battle field has changed completely.  As parents we must take on a wartime sense of priorities, urgency, alertness, and focus. This is not a time to kick off those marching boots, in exchange for flip flops.  Church, this isn't a time for sullen retreat, it's a time for humble repentance, genuine regeneration, and bold resurgence.


Our goal as Christian parents should be to raise up strong faith filled adults, not ill-equipped, fragile or fearful ones.  Of course our attempt to do that will be imperfect, and most certainly done in weakness, but we trust that the Lord's strength will be magnified even in that.

In this series, I'm going to start with a list.  Because, well, who doesn't love a good list?  These are some tips I came up with while I studied.  In later posts I'll dig a little deeper into a few of the points.  Basically the big idea is we have to lead the way ourselves.  Please don't think for a second that I have these pegged as a parent.

This post is simply meant to encourage you, to help you set your eyes above the relentless noise, the dirty diapers, and the overwhelming chaos of parenthood, and onto a higher prize.  Eyes on the Prize.

Raise strong kids in a world that plays it safe:

 1.  Don’t hobble your children’s faith by giving them every worldly  “advantage”.  Our children should not grow up in a happy little sparkly bubble, where they perceive that the world revolves around them. Let your children struggle; allow them to experience challenges, natural consequences, and heart breaks all under an umbrella of loving guidance, invested involvement, and wise supervision. Don’t hide the reality of a broken world from them.  Don't let them grow up believing that the world, or God, owes them anything.  That undermines both the harsh reality of the world, and the undeserved grace of God. {1 Peter 1:6-7}

2.   Teach your children from a young age, by example, to love and serve others out of an overflow of how Jesus has served and loved them.  We cannot entertain our children enough, guilt our children enough, or coerce our children enough to “keep them in church” once they become young adults.   They must know what it is to actively BE the church long before they leave home.  
{2 Cor. 5:14-15}

 3.  Encourage them to step out of their comfort zone, by stepping out of yours.  By allowing them to see you step out in faith in a way that relies entirely on God's provision and mercy, they are witnesses to how good and faithful our God is.   If you haven’t gone there yourself but rather keep everything in your life carefully calculated,  what you tell your children about trusting God will be mere words.  If you call yourself Christian but live like an atheist when it comes to your priorities and perspective, that will not be a contagious faith.  Don’t settle for being a “Sunday Christian”.  Jesus isn't a good luck charm we stuff into the pocket of our Sunday suit.  Our kids are great at sniffing out hypocrisy and they will know what our treasure is.  Let them see without a doubt by your priorities, actions, and words, that your treasure is Jesus. {Rev. 3:14-18}

4.  Dig deep into the Gospel with your children.  The gospel (good news) is not merely a “Salvation message” for unbelievers…it is THE message for believers as well.  We never, ever, ever, get past our need for the roots of the gospel of God’s saving grace, our redemption, and the atoning work of the cross to be driven deeper and deeper into our hearts.  Ever. We need to be reminded regularly where our only hope is found, where our real strength comes from, and what our identity is.  The saving work of Jesus isn't merely the admission gate to get in, it is the entire pool.  Jump in.  Be changed by the Holy Spirit renewing your mind and transforming your heart.   Jesus didn't come to give us an upgraded image of God, to be your hobby,  a good teacher,  your personal fire insurance plan, merely a moral example, or a snazzy knick knack on your shelf…he came on a  rescue mission.  Jesus didn't come to make good little boys and girls better, he came to make dead people alive.  {Col. 1:3-14} {Titus 2:11-15}

5.  Give generously, and let your children join in.   The finished work of Christ on the cross, and the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit in us empowers us to live in  radical generosity.  We serve a wealthy King who became poor for us, so that by His poverty we might become rich.  As we bask in Christ’s sacrificial gift for us, we find ourselves transformed into his image and freed to be radically generous.  When we believe and understand that all we have is Gods, when we know that our ultimate treasure is Jesus, we can joyfully live with open hands and outstretched arms, asking Him how we should steward His money.   We give generously because we have received generously.  To give generously first we must also have the humility to receive generously.  {2 Cor. 8:2-4} {2 Cor. 9:11-13}


 6.  Let your children see you repent.   The Christian life begins with repentance and continues in that direction.   Genuine repentance (turning from sin) and belief are the only appropriate posture toward the Lordship of Christ.  Because we know we are saved by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone, we don’t have to hold onto our pride, control, insecurities, and flawless reputation….even in front of our kids.  They already know you’re a sinner, your not fooling anyone, so let them see you marvel in God’s grace.  {Mark 6:12, Isaiah 30:15, Luke 3:8, Rev. 3:1-3, Rev. 3:19}

7. Remember it is Jesus who saves our children.  It is the Holy Spirit who draws them to Christ, but we should not neglect our God given post as shepherds over our little flocks.  God’s sovereignty does not our negate human responsibility and obedience.   We are commanded to make disciples and that begins in our homes.  We are intended to be the primary influence in our children’s lives.  Keep dazzling them with the love of Jesus, keep pointing them toward a faithful God, teach them diligently, let your home be grace saturated, and lovingly lead them to the cross…and then show them, by example, how to pick up their own and follow him.   {Deut. 4:9, John 16:7-11}

 8. Let your heart be changed by the renewing of your mind. {Roman’s 2:12} {Ephesians 3: 1-6}  You can’t give to your children knowledge that you do not have.  Study the Bible, seek the authors intended meaning in the text, pray for answers while digging deep.   Theology is simply seeking to know God for who he has revealed himself to be.  When studying Gods Word, the role of the Holy Spirit is to soften our hearts to receive truth revealed in the text.  God is not honored by unfeeling, joyless intellectualism, or by unthinking, uncritical emotionalism.  Both are needed- minds that are gripped with knowledge and truth, and hearts on fire with intense love for Him and his glory  {1 Cor. 2:14, Romans 5:14, 2 Tim. 3:15-17}}

9. Rest in God’s sovereignty and grace.   As a parent that is the most freeing truth, as well as slightly terrifying.  We prefer methods, rules, and fail proof cause and effect promises, but there are no biblical promises that "good parenting" in guarantees righteous children out.  God never encourages self-reliance because that would be trusting in something other than Christ and his grace and mercy.  The way of the Lord is always by faith, faith in his goodness, mercy, and love.  Our faith is in him, not our perfect parenting.  (Thank God for that!) Rest in the knowledge that God can do the impossible in our children’s lives, no child (or adult child) is beyond his reach.   {Romans 9:14-20, Matthew 10:29-31}

10. Pray with, over and for your children.  Let them see that they can talk with you just as you talk to our loving Heavenly Father.  Let them see you bring things to the Lord, so they can also experience the joy at seeing how the Lord provides for you and them.

Until next time,
go forth mighty, shaking- in-your-boots, parent warriors.  Onward!

Soli Deo Gloria,

Making Home

   I don't think people use the term "home maker" as a job description much anymore, it went out of style and has since become slightly archaic.    I don't usually use the title to describe myself either but I do see home, and being the maker of it as a high calling.   What is our home and what am I trying make?

Firstly, our home is a hub of never ending activity.  This comes naturally.  As a family of 6 people, with 4 children at home all day, it is bustling, bursting and brimming with conversations, questions, projects and creative mess.  Our house is far from a show home with formal sitting rooms and carefully selected decor.  Our home is lived in and it is lived in well.   There is not a room in the house that does not scream "children live here!", or a space that is not utilized to it's fullest potential.  Years ago, I took pride in neat perfection, carefully placed decorations that showcased my individuality and style....now I take pride in a sink full of dishes washed and 6 loads of clean laundry successfully put away.  

Home is a place of learning.  We have chosen to educate our kids in a family integrated , home based kind of way.  We have a non conveyor belt educational philosophy that ensures our home is a messy one.   My table is usually covered with notebooks, workbooks, a laptop and various crafting supplies.   My bookshelves are crammed packed full of various novels, biographies, children's books, and classic literature.  Our floor is covered with lego creations.  My kitchen is full of little people learning how to make a salad and crack eggs into a frying pan.  I have a model of the Nile Delta in my entry way growing grass as it is flooded each week.  Each one of us is learning, discovering, and growing... from the toddler to the grownups in the house.

Home is a sanctuary.  In a world that opposes, ridicules, and tears down, I want our home to be a place that encourages, edifies and builds up.  In a world that is filled with deception and  shallow flattery.  I desire home to be a place where truth is spoken,  hearts are opened and vulnerability isn't exploited.  Successes are celebrated by us all.  Even small victories like Cece using the potty is met with cheers, dancing and singing from her older siblings.  Disappointments and hurts are shared among us all as we learn to serve and comfort each other.  

Home is a place where a lot of mistakes are made and grace is given.  No one in our home is above the need for regular repentance and forgiveness, including the grown ups in the house.   Our kids hear us say "I'm sorry, will you forgive me"  as they are taught how by example what humility, grace, and forgiveness looks like.   

Home is a place that always has room at the table for one more.  Our doors are open.  Our hearts are open.   If God brings us another little blessing we will joyfully squeeze in another bed.  Our meals aren't fancy, our table is small, and our couch is second hand but we desire our home to be a place that embraces true hospitality.   A place we can share warmth and welcome with others.

Our home is the place where our legacy begins.  My treasure is not built in business, land, or bank accounts.   My inheritance will not be something I leave for my children someday, it will be my children.  I am investing in that legacy now.   The futures of our children, our grand children, our great grandchildren are built or devastated by our priorities now, in this short season of motherhood.  With each choice of selflessness, with each hard lesson learned, with each relationship nurtured, with each tender conversation, and reassuring hug I am building my inheritance.    While other women appear to leave me in the dust aiming for corporate careers, grande personal endeavors, applause and appreciation, I smile and wait, because those things are not my prize. I have set my eyes on something that will take time, so I will rock my babies.  I will teach my children. I will enjoy the people they are becoming.  Someday when the rest of those efforts are nothing but dust and rubble, my treasures will live on.   

Our home is a place where Jesus is celebrated and our mission begins.  Faith is not just something we tack onto a long to-do list.  It is not a compartment to fill, a balance to keep, or a list of rules to follow...it is our life.  We desire to live out the gospel both in word and in deed in front of our children, as we are transformed and regenerated.  In our home the Bible is opened.  It is studied, talked about, absorbed, and applied.  Prayers are uttered.  Gratitude is given.  Jesus is king. 

So, if you come to my home you might notice that the floor needs to be washed,  and there are baskets of laundry waiting to be conquered.  I might have to warn you to enter the bathroom at your own risk.
You will never want to look under our couch cushions, or inside the closet that all 4 of my children share.  You might even critique that the tv is on too much, and there is frozen pizza in the oven for dinner.  I may confess to you that I have nagging parental insecurity and fears.  You will see that we are so very far from perfect.     

At the end of the day, I'm not striving for a perfectly arranged house, with china tea cups carefully displayed on window sills.  I'm not building a mirage.  I'm building a home and a home is so much more than a place of residence. It may look messy, it usually appears random, it certainly won't be perfect, and sometimes what is planted takes years to grow but ...

it's home.

p.s

Every one of our homes will be as different in dynamics as the people who make up the home.  I should clarify that I am not saying mothers should never ever have a career, hobbies, or income or that the only reasonable way to educate kids is at home.   During this season of life we have chosen to focus on child raising as our priority and we have arranged our lifestyle around that.   As  children's needs, ages, and seasons change so will our dynamics.  I think the big idea is that as a mother my heart should be oriented home, and my priorities/ time should reflect the significance of how important that task of motherhood is.  If  my quantity of time, my energy, my passion, my focus is directed away from my family, then my children will be effected (this includes dads too).  My home will be made more by accident than by careful intention. 

Flush and Wash

"Contrary to what we have typically heard (and been enslaved by), Christian growth is not becoming stronger and stronger, more and more competent. Christian growth and progress is marked by a growing realization of just how weak and incompetent we are and how strong and competent Jesus continues to be for us. Spiritual maturity is not marked by our growing, independent fitness. Rather, it’s marked by our growing dependence on Christ’s fitness for us. "   Tullian Tchividjian




I love this quote.  Thought I'd share it for all you moms, wives, and Christians out there who look at the task ahead and wonder what God was thinking when he picked you for it.  How on earth did God think I could raise this goofy brood.  


For all of you who still say silly quotes like "God doesn't give us more than we can handle"....phooey is what I say.  He does it all the time.   The only way we fail is when we assume we CAN handle it all on our own.  


For all of you moms who swear that if you have to tell someone to "flush and wash", "Stop picking your nose", or "pick up that towel" one more time you will have  stroke.  


For all the moms who take little vacations behind the locked door of the bathroom.   
This is good news!  We don't have to be super woman!   




So pull up your big girl panties,  roll up your sleeves, stop the whining....and just abide.   Trust.   Rest.

{This is for all the moms who will never get the hang of being woke up at 6am every morning}

Ice Cream for Orphans project

I thought I'd do a quick update before we leave on our road trip to Mexico.  A while back I posted pictures of my kids collecting cans and bottles and told you about their idea to raise money.  The original goal was to save up $100 to take each of the kids at a particular orphanage out for ice cream over the course of the month we are in Mexico plus buy some other things to take to them.   


They began saving, collecting and working really hard.   Our plans changed a little and we found out we won't be working as staff at the orphanage, and because of that we won't be able to take the kids out for treats.  It was disappointing for my kids but they didn't let that set back derail their hope.  We changed the project to "Burlando kids compassion fund".   We prayed and talked about other ways we could use the money.  There is no limit to the possibilities. 
The kids effort was matched with generosity from many unexpected places.   Friends and family chipped in. Our new church family has been incredibly encouraging and generous.  

The grand total of our kids compassion fund is over $700!!   When Aili and Roman first had the idea $100 seemed like a really big goal!  


I decided to revert back to "Ice cream for Orphans" on this post  just to thoroughly confuse you all   because to me it paints a bigger pictures.  At first, when our trip plans changed, it didn't seem to cover all of what we hoped to do with the money...it was too specific.   The more I think about it the more I like it.   


We were all orphans in a sense, separated and alone, far from the Father who longs for us.  In His great love he has not only come to us and adopted us into fullness of relationship, he has not only provided what we need....he gives us ice cream.  He delights in giving his children good gifts and smiles as he watches us bask in his love.  He is the giver of all things good...and sweet and lovely.  Maybe I'm stretching it...but I still like the concept of Ice cream for Orphans.   


We want to show that kind of love to others...whether they are technically "orphans" or not.   We will be living in an area that is loaded with physical, emotional and spiritual desperation and need.  We want to give people a sweet taste of how much they are loved.  We want to paint a picture of the joy and affection that a Daddy has for his child when he sits and eats ice cream with him.  


I know this is going to be a very growing experience for my 3 oldest children. I know it is going to be a stretching experience for all of us.   It has sparked a lot of family conversations about compassion, generosity, humility, stewarding God's money wisely, and  prayerfully following the Holy Spirits lead.   What started as fun little side project for our kids has turned into a whole family mission.   We have some ideas of how we can use some of the money, but for the most part we are trusting that God will show us what needs he would have us meet when we come face to face with them.   


We are looking forward to keeping you updated on this project while we're away.  


Besides the donations of money and cans/ bottles,  we have a car top carrier loaded full of warm blankets that have been donated.


We feel the weight of responsibility and the privilege we have in stewarding these gifts well.   I'm looking forward to documenting and photographing the kids at work...and reporting back to all those who have joined us in this.  


I'm praying that this will be an amazing, life altering experience for our kids.  


Lord, my children are yours.  
Help me to raise them with hearts that have been transformed and filled with you.
Give me your strength and wisdom every day. 
May my little ones truly know, to the depth of their spirits, the you are faithful,
even if that means you take them through experiences that strips everything else away.  
Lord I don't aspire that they be successful in the worlds eyes, 
perform to impress, or that they live safe and happy lives.
Make them strong in your strength.
Make them wise in your wisdom.
Create in them men and woman after your heart. 
Use them for you glory.
You hands, voice, and heart in a hurting world. 
Bless them with real blessings.  
The greater joy that can only be found
in the places few people are willing to look. 

Other than the things I was whining about yesterday (like our broken down car and sicky baby) I have a prayer request as we prepare to go.   Could you please pray for our youngest son to be able to process and cope with this 6 wk change in location and routine.   He does not handle change, or perceived instability well at all.  We're still trying to figure this little guy out and why he reacts to life the way he does, but we are learning that some things really do set him off in a tail spin.  He's been so much improved the last couple months, it's been so encouraging to see, maybe just our schedule slowing down and Daddy being home more...but I am a little worried about what the uprooting will do to him (and what he'll do to us).   Please pray that we'll have the wisdom to know how to help calm his anxiety, and maybe even head off the turmoil before it starts.  As of this morning (as we begin to load up our car), he is already showing signs of apprehension.  It's mostly coming out as extreme emotions over very small things,  ridiculous obsessions, and a very sudden neediness/ insecurity....it's makes me a little nervous.   It is SO hard to have patience when he gets like this (it makes me crazy),  but I know that the only thing that will help is a whole lot of extra time, reassurance, snuggles and consistency from mom and dad (things that I selfishly don't feel like making time for right now).  

Freedom fighters, duct tape and Fishermen

I love the way God made children.   Their ability to create, imagine, and play remains so untainted.

My 3 oldest kids have been playing outside most of the day, lost in their imaginations, the story line of some great adventure.

  

Unstructured, child led, unplanned, unscheduled, unplugged play.

Silas' pose might lead you to think that play time is miserable.  They were having a great time but this child is good at looking (and acting) like he's miserable at any given moment.

 I guess I would be unhappy to if I was imprisoned by Nero the evil Roman Emperor.

That is indeed what they were playing for hours this morning.  They were "freedom fighters" hiding from the maniacal ruler,  and trying to survive under his murderous regime.  

They survived in the first century A.D by taking out their little fishing boat to catch fish.   Roman (appropriately named)  informed me that he also did Blacksmithing on the side.

Of course he also had an assorted arsenal of wooden swords to protect his family.  

They  dug a well.  A really deep, big hole in the backyard sandbox.  They haven't found water yet...but I may find small neighbor children trapped in their pit at some point.

We live in a culture where kids are sterilized,  institutionalized, and every minute of their days are scheduled with activity.  It's so important to reclaim and protect the lost art of mud pie making, epic battle fighting, and tree climbing.

Playing isn't time wasted.  Playing is learning, experiencing, processing, building, creating, and experimenting.

Education is very important but in an effort to compete, protect, and provide "every opportunity", we forget that play is a vital part of their education.   We, as a society, have replaced imaginative childhood play with lessons, sports, activities, classrooms, and running around at a manic pace.  None of those things are bad for kids, in fact some may be beneficial, but when the balance is lost our burnt out, over burdened kids suffer.   

Childhood is so short.

Too short to waste time putting on shoes. 

Let them make messes.

Let them get dirty.

Let them climb trees, ride bikes, and fly as high as they can on swings.  

(It kind of looks like Roman was beheaded in this photo.  I suppose that wasn't unlikely considering they were living under the rule of Nero.)

  Break out the dreaded things like sand, dirt, garden hoses, glue, finger paint and playdoh and let them be kids.  

The things they come up with when you leave them alone with their imaginations may impress you.

I for one, would never think to build a jet out of Popsicle sticks and duct tape.  

We are soaking up the last days of curriculum free days.  Our new "school" year will be starting after the long weekend.  I've been sorting supplies, organizing books,  and mentally preparing to reign in these little freedom fighters so I can teach them how to multiply fractions.