A Journal of infant loss - part 3

May 26, 2000
Samuel Wallis Burlando came to visit us at 8:04 pm.  God gave us over an hour to show our love to him, before he quietly slipped from Daddy's arms into Jesus arms.  We will always love you Samuel, our tiny precious son.

May 29, 2000

I'm so glad it's a long weekend. Mom and Dad just left this morning. Nathanael and I are alone now which is nice but I think we may find it hard now with no distractions. It's been so nice having my family here. By a miracle they made it in plenty of time to help me through labor and be there to witness Samuels short life. Praise God.  There were many other friends and family that got to see and hold him too. It's nice to have so much support and love shown to us.

My labor was an odd one. After we went to the hospital Thurs. night I had only dilated to 2cm. So they gave me something to help me sleep and we decided to try to go home and get some sleep. I was so stoned and I slept for about 2 hrs. I woke up in horrible pain. I was so drugged I couldn't walk, focus my eyes, or deal with the pain. I scared Nathanael pretty good I guess. We headed for the hospital puke bucket in hand. I spent the next 6 hrs puking my guts out and going through horrible contractions.

It turns out they gave me too high a dose of whatever it was they gave me. What an awful exhausting experience. Around 5am I decided to let them give me a small dose of morphine and something for the nausea. We both slept for a few hours until people started showing up. When I woke up I had no contractions which I had for days before. We tried to get more rest and my midwife said we'd wait till my family arrived from Canada before we tried to speed it up.

They arrived at 11 am so we spent the afternoon resting and walking trying to get the contractions going again. The midwife didn't come until 4pm then she started pitocin and broke my water an hour or two later. I went straight from nothing to excruciating contractions in minutes. It was definitely a lot harder than I ever imagined. I didn't think I would make it out alive.

They gave me an epidural near the end which was wonderful. I was able to relax between contractions and let things move very quickly. About 1/2 hr later (it seemed like minutes) I was told to push. After pushing for several contractions he came out in a gush of water. I had a lot of extra amniotic fluid. I think that's the reason I've been so uncomfortable though the pregnancy.

We spent a while with him and then the family came in and held him. Then he passed away. He was quite active for the first little while but quickly became very still and was getting very little oxygen as a result of the heart defect.

We spent a little time with him after he died but it was hard to see him once he was cold. The worst part was trying to dress him. The outfit my mother in law made him wasn't long enough but we thought we'd try it anyway. It was hard to get on him because it pulled over his head. We should have tried the preemie sleepers or waited for the gown that the hospital gave us later.  It didn't look good on him either but we didn't want to leave him naked.  The sweater was kind of big but it was sweet.  After trying to get his tiny stiff arms in the gown for a while I couldn't handle it anymore so Nathanael finished. I found out later he hated doing it too. I feel guilty for asking him to do it.

I held him unwrapped for a little longer then we said goodbye and went to another room. It was so hard leaving my baby all alone but I kind of wanted to escape too. I wanted to run back all night and find my baby but I knew I would only find the cold, stiff version of the baby that I wanted back in my arms. I still long to hold him again.

That hour went by so fast. I don't think I fully appreciated each minute like I should have. He had beautiful brown hair, tiny hands with all ten fingers. His feet were perfect and long. He was tall and thin. He was 2lbs 10 oz and 151/2 inches long. He had his Daddy's long legs.  He did have some deformities like double cleft lip which was shocking to see at first but now I love every bit of him. His ears were a little low and his neck was a little short. He had a perfectly shaped head full of beautiful hair.  My favourite part was his feet. I miss him and feel very empty now.

What an evening that was. In just a few hours I experienced the most pain I've ever felt in my life, the wonderful miracle of holding my first child and the heart wrenching agony of letting him go. The hospital, the nurses and my midwife were wonderful through the whole thing. Memorial Day weekend will have a whole new meaning for us from now on. I felt surprisingly numb that evening but gradually I'm having to face all the emotions. Especially now that my family is gone.


May 31, 2000

Saying goodbye has been a lot harder than I imagined it would be. The sadness is so intense I feel it will never go away. Every part of my body is longing for a baby it cannot have. It feels like my breast are crying. Milk runs down my empty belly as tears run down my cheeks. I feel my heart has been ripped out of my body, thrown on the ground and stepped on, leaving this big gaping hole and emptiness inside me. My mind fills with things I should have done. I should have loved him more, kissed him more, taken more pictures without being embarrassed of how he looked. I wish I could go back and relive that hour over again. I don't think I knew how much I would miss him once I said goodbye. I didn't know, at the time,  how beautiful he truly was. I'm thankful for the hour we had but it's not enough time to be his Mom. My breast ache and burn with no baby to feed. What good is a mother without her baby? I'm left with a hollow womb and empty arms.

Part 1

Part 2


A Journal of Infant Loss - Part 2

April 11, 2000

I'm feeling Samuel move with more strength everyday. Sometimes he makes my whole stomach move. I'm not feeling very well today. I'm coming down with a cold or something. It's such a sunny day that I should go out walking or something but all I feel like doing is taking a nap. I wonder how big you are right now? It would be cool to know how much you weighed.

April 16, 2000

I was reading "I'll hold you in Heaven" and it explained a lot of things like when life begins and a baby's eternal existence. Every baby conceived is a spiritual being at conception even if it doesn't have a life span outside the womb.  God knows the days of our lives and nothing comes as a surprise to him. My son may not know a normal life span, as we know it, but he still is a human being conceived in my body that will live eternally.  We don't get a chance to know him now but someday we will see all that he was created to be. After reading that book I have a deeper respect for the life inside me. He's not just some unfortunate freak of nature, he's a soul that I have the privilege and duty to care for. Its not a waste of time because he's not just a group of defective cells waiting to become nothing.

May 5, 2000
Friday I will be 30 weeks. I remember when that number seemed so far away. I've been feeling very pregnant lately. My doc. appointment last week measured my uterus at 31cm. I've been getting a lot of contractions the last few weeks and I've been very tired. My appetite has reduced dramatically.  That will help with the weight gain. I am now at 147.5 lbs.  I'm starting to wonder if the extra amniotic fluid situation is going to start. I felt so awful yesterday that I dreaded the thought of being pregnant for 2 more months.  Nathanael knew enough to let me whine and not try to be optimistic about it all.  I wonder if it's more fun being pregnant when you are busy planning for a baby and preparing a nursery. Maybe that distracts people from the physical discomfort. It's not much fun otherwise. Today I'm feeling better, I have more energy and I'm not as sore and achey. I do enjoy feeling Samuel move all the time now. In fact, he's thumping around in there right now. I wonder how I'll feel the next time I'm pregnant. It's really hard not to wish it were over with but I know I'll miss him so bad when I'm not pregnant anymore and I may even miss being pregnant. My reason to keep waiting, other than nature, is that the older he is the more chance he'll be born alive and by a miracle of God maybe even stick around a little while. For the chance at that I'd gladly suffer through a couple more months.

May 9, 2000
I'm so angry right now. I was just watching a bit of a talk show on TV. It was about young teenage girls trying to figure out who the father of their baby is. Some had more than 3 to choose from! None of them, including the mother, wanted the child. One mother has about as much maternal instinct for her 9 month old baby as a piece of wood. She was trying to find the father so she could give her daughter away to him.  Children should be our number one priority if we choose to have them.  It angers me so much that people are given the gift of a baby and have no concept of how valuable they are. Why does a slutty 14 year old have a healthy baby when she admits on television that she wishes she'd had an abortion? Why do people get babies who have so much more important things in their life like careers, new houses, expensive cars etc. and have an hour in the evening to parent? I know it's wrong to try to question the fairness of life but I can't help but feel hurt and angry. People can make babies who don't even want them, will hurt them, neglect them and be terrible parents. I can't even keep my own son that I love and want so badly it hurts. This world is so screwed up. I don't want to accept this. I don't feel like being strong right now. I usually try to remember God is in control and will get us through this etc. but right now I'm mad with grief. I want to scream and fight and ask God "WHY?!" I feel like I'm filled with such a strong rage that is just now showing it's ugly face.

May 19, 2000

Last weekend was Mothers Day, we went hiking at Twin Falls.  We had a good day and surprisingly I wasn't sad about it being Mothers Day. I am now 32 weeks. I've been having a lot of pain in my lower back and back in general. Still have a lot of contractions.

I love watching you move and feeling my whole belly quake when you move. I sometimes sit and watch my stomach as it rises and falls and changes shapes as you change positions. You are getting up into my ribs now which can be uncomfortable especially when it's combined with a contraction.

Mom and Dad might come down when I go into labor. If you can hold off a while and stay put until seeding is over. They will likely miss the delivery and Samuels short life but I'm glad they're coming. I still pray he'll be alive longer than we expected and maybe they'll get to see him while he's living.

{resting after a Mothers Day hike}

May 24, 2000

I'm 33 weeks on Friday. I'm having terrible contractions and backpain. I'm starting to convince myself that I'm in "pre-labor" or something. I called mom for advice and motherly comfort. She said I need to start writing down the contractions and keep track.

May 25, 2000

Went to work for an hour but left to to go see the midwife. I'm having contractions, one on top of the other and I'm dilated to 1cm.  I called Nathanael. We spent the afternoon waiting and trying to stay distracted and calm. We went in to the hospital at about 9 pm.

To be continued.....

Find Part 1 of the story here 


A journal of infant loss - part 1

16 years ago today I held my first child in my arms.  Today is also the anniversary of his death. 

He had been diagnosed with Trisomy 18 halfway through my pregnancy.  The term used by medical professionals to describe our son was "not compatible with life".  Those horrible words have been seared into my heart since that day.  I despise them because even though our sons life was short, it was still a life.  His life may not have been what every parent hopes for their child but he was definitely compatible with love.

This afternoon I dug out an old pregnancy journal that had been stuck away in storage and began to read it.  This is where it begins...

April 2, 2000

I bought this journal today because I want to record this pregnancy.  I want to be able to look back at this time in our lives and remember the time I spent with my baby. I am now 25wks pregnant.

I am feeling you moving all the time now.  Each week the thought of loosing you becomes more unbearable. Some days I think I've accepted it and seem ok with it. Others, like today I feel like I could break down at any moment. On those days an intense sadness grips my heart and a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness cloud over every aspect of my life. I long to be able to hold you and show you how much I love you.  All I can hope for at this point is the chance to see you alive. I don't know if that's too much to hope for or not.

{ Lord, please let us see our baby alive.  We've accepted the fact that he will be taken home to heaven early but please leave him with us for a moment }

Your Daddy got to feel you move recently. It's so nice for him to have a physical bond with you now. Although, I have been amazed at how much he loves you and feels connected to you even without ever knowing you, feeling you move, or seeing you (other than in ultrasounds). You're his son and he's been proud to call you that since we found out you were a boy.

We have your clothes all ready for you.  Grandma and Grandpa B made you a quilt and pajamas.  Grandma and Grandpa W made you a little sweater set.  They love you too.

When I feel you move, you feel so strong and innocent.  You have no idea that anything is terribly wrong with you or that there is supposed to be anything other than the womb you know as your whole world. I feel guilty preparing for your death when you are still so much alive.

April 3, 2000

I'm having a much better day today.  I have a burst of unexpected energy and rejuvenation. Maybe it's the sun.  I went for a long walk down to Office Max after work.  I bought some little cards and paper to put your foot prints on.  I bought you a little Beanie Lamb.  It's tiny and cute like you. Every baby needs a little stuffed animal whether you'll know about it or not.

I feel kind of silly sometimes. People might think I'm over reacting or getting too much stuff ready for you but that's what feels right. I want your life to be as significant and memorable as possible.

I still want to take pleasure in you and take pride in your existence. I almost feel ashamed of those feelings like I have lost the right to be a proud mother. I have already lost the innocence of knowing a normal pregnancy.  I don't know what it's like to prepare for a baby, to dream about the baby wiggling inside me, or wonder what his future will be, all the natural things that have become something unnatural and foreign to me.  I do not wait in anxious anticipation for delivery and a baby to nurse and cuddle.  I'm in uncharted territory but it feels normal to me now.  It's all I know. I long to know the joy everyone else feels during pregnancy.

                                                          to be continued....  (part 2)


Spring Catch up

It's been a while.
Someday my blog may be less neglected and more filled with life but this is not that season I expect.
For now it will just remain on life support.  If you have been patient enough to stay tuned...thankyou.

Life is crazy certifiably cray cray lately.  On the move 24 hours a day meeting one need after another, putting out the fires that come with parenting 7 children, as well as  keeping up with the endless supply of appointments, meals, homework, housework, laundry and child shuttling.  Some days it feels like I can't tread water fast enough to keep my head up, like any extra little thing might be what sinks the ship.  Like stomach flu.  Which we have had twice in our house in the last two months, along with a winter filled with an unusual amount of colds and flus.  I know this season of sleepless nights, spit up, spilled food, and not being able to shower with out strategy and the stars aligning, will end.  Babies and toddlers grow up fast. 

I don't want to be a whiner.  Just being real.  Life is feeling all different shades of "real" lately. Not bad.  Just real.  Relentlessly exhausting but also filled with love, blessings and joy.  

Even though I'm weary and I could sleep for a month straight....I love this life that God has given us and I love these little (and big) people that I get to be family with.  

Seasons change. The days and years rush past at an alarming rate. Spring with it's sunshine, rain, green leaves and grass is a welcome change.  

With Spring comes seeding season on the farm.  I didn't feel particularly ready to start what is a gruelling time of year for us.  We started and finished early this year and we all survived so that's a win.  The garden is also in now.

The Littles enjoyed visiting Daddy out in the tractor.  

Starting them young. 

We've had some gorgeous hot days already.  The girls were eager to have a picnic outside.

Spring also brought with it a few birthdays. Turbo Toddler turned two!  We had a small party at home but the kids insisted on dressing up, having a dance, and making the event special in every way they could think of.  (Note the new dining room behind the dancers! Loving it so much.  We only have a few finishing touches left in the addition/ renovation.  After a solid year of hard work we are enjoying the fruit of it.) 

Annie becoming one with the centre piece. 

Aili is still our resident party planner.  She also baked the cake.  

Seeding lentils. 

Roman, who turns 13 this summer, bought 10 piglets this spring.  His summer job is to take care of these guys and get them fattened up to sell in the fall. Hopefully after paying back his loan and for all the feed he'll turn a profit.  He's a boy that needs to be busy.  Creating some farm chores is a good way to work on virtues like consistency, dependability, responsibility, and to build a work ethic.  Not only that he is learning hands on about agriculture and what it takes to raise and grow food.  Animals need to be fed...even if you're tired or don't feel like it. 

He and his dad spent a week of evenings preparing for the pigs by building a nice big pen and a shelter, as well as setting up a for food and water.  So far none of the piggies have escaped.  

They enjoy the wallow pit that was made for them.  The mud protects them from the sun and keeps them cool.  It also seems to provide something for them to do as they dig and root and make it bigger.  They are pretty fun to just sit and watch.  They are eating like pigs and getting bigger by the day. 

Speaking of getting bigger by the day.  My littlest human baby is fattening up nicely as well.  He's delightfully delicious in his own way. He's now wearing size 12 month clothes and has rolls everywhere.  

Me and the Hubster on a rare trip to town alone.

Miss Cece was another spring birthday girl.  She requested a "princess party" so thanks to a dollar store table cloth, some paper plates and a crown the party was a success.  Once again we stuck to a small family party.  I've stopped even feeling bad about that.  They have enough siblings that every meal resembles a party....at least as far as the volume and numbers go. 

Well, the big kids are due to step off the bus any second and in the time it took to write the last two sentences Turbo Toddler climbed onto the kitchen counter where she opened a permanent marker and a pair of scissors.  So I'd best sign off.  

Goodnight internet pals. Thanks for joining me here again.