6/30/09

Little Hicks in the Big City


Last weekend started off with a trip to the City for some fun at the park and a scheduled visitation for Cub.
Here are my drummer boys thoroughly enjoying an outdoor drum show. Of course Roman was mesmerized.



I have no idea what he was crying about but it didn't last long. Way too much fun to be had. It doesn't take much to give these kids a thrill.


We did not come prepared for the kiddie pool but let Silas indulge his fishiness in his shorts....while I fed and burped.


AWWW, some sibling love at the giant playground.
More pictures to come, this was just the start of a fun family weekend.
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6/23/09

Because kids live here.



Last week one of my blog chums Lynnette had a really funny post about the irritating things kids do and how we react to them. It was hilarious and it sounded just like my house! She challenged us to post our own pictures of things that prove that kids live here.

That very afternoon I snapped three photographs.
A common sight in my washing machine. Rocks and even a Swiss army knife. Maybe I should start checking his pockets....although that sounds a little scary.


That same little boy, about the same time I was doing laundry was busy "digging a trench" . Some good physical work outside is wonderful for an energetic little boy. However, the location was less than ideal. Every lawn needs a trench filled with water don't you think? He had the pleasure of using his dump trucks to fill the holes back in afterwards.


Any guesses?
I have no idea what the story is behind this. I found this on a blanket that had been on the couch for quite some time without me knowing it was there. Possibly days or weeks. After further investigation I discovered it was not chocolate.
Whoop whoop for potty training!....*insert eye roll here*
I think Silas had used the potty without telling me and then went and sat himself back down to watch tv.
A little love gift...its even on a heart. :)

Just a glimpse in one afternoon of the irritating, innocent things kids do that make us crazy.
The sticky finger prints or whole face prints on windows.
The bits and pieces of paper cut up on bedroom floors
The toilet paper roll, unrolled
amateur plumbers trying to figure out if toy cars sink or float
water left on
toilets unflushed
juice spilled
play-doh stuck in carpet
marker on the table.
pee on the carpet
sandy shoes dumped out in the entry way
pickle juice spilled in fridge
Lego's neatly arranged in my pantry

.......ok I'll stop there although I could go on and on.

So many things each day that I have to consciously choose to respond to rather than react to.
In fact I am taking deep breaths just writing that list :)


So many things they do are done in innocence and they just need to be reminded or have explained to them why "we don't carve messages for invading aliens in our door posts".

Some of the things make me laugh. I am consciously trying to see the beauty of childhood in the little inconveniences. (well maybe not the poo)

Occasionally something is done not so much out of innocent childishness as in disobedience and it is dealt with accordingly.
We are in the de-barbarianizing stage with Silas right now.
Its a lot of work but I know that eventually he'll figure out what is expected of him as a "big boy" in civilized society.
It seems multiple times a day he is being disciplined for poor choices or inappropriate reactions.
I remember that stage with the older two...it seemed like it would never end...but it did.
After that its more maintenance, refining....and reminding.

Someday I may even miss rocks in my washing machine, holes to China dug in my lawn, and kleenex box faerie houses strewn about my home....can't say I'll ever miss finding poop on a blanket though.

What did you find today that prove kids live in your house?









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6/21/09

Meet my Dad


I wanted to do another Father's Day post honoring my own father. This is my Dad. What a handsome guy.
He is a quiet man of strength , faith and perseverance.
He is an avid adventure racer, marathon runner and canoer or is that canoeist...someone who paddles in a canoe. He is always looking for the next big challenge. He has in recent years done the Yukon quest canoe race twice and has also canoed the Churchill river in Northern Saskatchewan.

He has farmed his whole life as his father and grandfather did before him. He works hard, loves the land and watches the clouds. His job is not only a job but a part of who he is. It is not the only thing that he is though.


He is the father of five grown children. Here he is at his birthday party with 4 of his 8 grandkids.
From my Dad I learned
to work hard
to not be afraid of challenges that seem to big for us
to persevere when things get tough
.... and to operate large machinery. :)



This is my second Dad. I have been blessed with two Dads one for 31 years and the other for 13. This is my husbands father.
We don't see them very often because they live 1000 miles away but
he has been a very thoughtful and caring Dad to me. He has always welcomed me and loved me like a daughter.



He's always up for a donut and a cup of coffee....he and Roman have that in common.

From him I have learned the value of
loyalty
acts of kindness
overcoming difficult circumstances
....and ice cubes in water. :)

Happy Fathers Day!!
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What a guy!


I don't often brag about my husband on my blog but since it is Father's day and he is the father of my children its only fitting that he has the honor. :)
He has not only been an involved loving dad to his own 4 children, he has opened his home and his heart to other children as well.
That's a tall order for any man...and my husband has met the challenge and continues to amaze me.


Only a Dad could build a tree house like this! Or at least one this outrageously high (mom's still reeling and asking that he put up more railing ). Now that's a cool Dad.


Always up for some family time...especially if it involves hotdogs, fire and a lake.



Yes, that is my two year old on a homemade zipline. Now that's something a mom would just never think of. One more reason why Dad's are so important. (Before you report us for child endangerment...let me say that my husband is a former resident of WA state where he was a rock climber and part of a search and rescue team...he knows his ropes and knots. He even had an extra safety line).

My kids would live very dull, albeit safe lives if it weren't for their Dad being there to shake things up a bit. He's the first to encourage and cheer them on in what ever they are doing.
He tells them each day how much they are loved and then proves it to them with his actions and priorities. My kids are lucky to have a Dad like him and I'm lucky to have a teammate like him in raising these monkey's.

Happy Father's Day Nathanael.

I have mentioned in past posts how dry it is here right now. My family farms, my husband farms with them and we live in an area where agriculture runs the economy...so without rain...no crops...you can fill in the blanks. This morning it started to pour and pour. We had a great deluge of rain like I haven't seen here in ages maybe years. We have a total of an inch and a half so far (40 mm)! There were a lot of smiling Dad's in church today!
Thank you God for the perfect Father's Day gift! :)
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6/20/09

All wound up!


We are officially done with kids sports for the summer. Does any one else hear the angels singing? No more rushed dinners, driving to town for practices and then rushing to get everyone to bed past bedtime. The kids enjoyed their sports but mom and dad are just glad they are over now. We had both a baseball "wind up" (including a hotdog supper) and a soccer "wind up" this week.

I haven't posted any pictures of Roman playing soccer so here is a glimpse of small town recreation soccer.
Roman is taking his self appointed position of defense seriously here.


The last day they invited the parents to play against the kids. That's me being a good sport and wishing I had shin pads :)
I even let Silas (orange shirt) join in. All season he has been forced to sit on the sidelines. He ran around with the bigger kids and had a blast...even got mowed over a few times. The parents were vastly out numbered in this round of clump ball...I mean soccer...but we held our own. :)


Romans team.


Me looking like a "soccer mom" in my shorts and running shoes. All I need now is a fanny pack to complete this cool look.
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6/18/09

Summer is here!



Just a short post....no really it is. At least that's what I'm intending it to be :)

For 7 months out of the year we are frozen white tundra..for another couple of those we are brown and barren. So for the next few months I am basking in colour , warmth and life.

Lilacs are my favorite flower!
My bushes finally produced a whole whack of lilacs this year. I'm sad they are about done their blooming. I love that smell.
I would fill my house with them but my husband whines that they make his eyes burn and his nose run. What a baby...dumb allergies.


My garden is growing great this year despite the cool dry spring. My wonderful, non whiny, husband hauled me in a big load of composted cattle manure (about 10 years old). One of the perks of having a farmer for a husband. Free cow poop! My plants are loving it.

These are some chives getting soaked with the soaker hose.

Keep in mind I don't claim to be a photographer. I have a simple point and shoot camera....I'm easy that way. I was out one evening sitting by my garden watching it grow when I had the sudden urge to take pictures of my little baby plants. That's not weird at all is it?



Bean plants that survived many frosty nights last month. A few suffered but I was amazed at how tough they are.



Some Swiss chard and spinach getting friendly. I planted them in separate rows but somehow they found their way to each other...either that or my helper spilled the seeds.

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6/16/09

New Cub in the den

Yesterday I spent the morning outside with my boys enjoying the sunshine (before the heat got any more intense). That's right, we went from wearing our winter coats last week to sweltering hot this week. Something in between would be nice...but I'm not complaining. :)



We came in from our bike ride and play time at around 11 to get cleaned up, cooled off and lunch started. I had a feeling that placement might call so I went to check my answering machine and sure enough they had called with two more little boys that needed to leave the hospital. So within an hour I was showered, had a diaper bag packed, my boys dropped off with Grandma (Thanks mom!) and was on the road to the city (a 2 hour drive).



When I told Silas that I was going to get a new baby he was over the top excited. I soon realized he thought I was going to get Peanut (our last foster baby). I explained that this would be a different baby.

He crossed his arms , stuck out his lips and in his best grumpy voice shouted

"I want baby ---------" (Peanut). No want another one baby...want baby ---------".

I have to admit I had the same toddler voice inside me shouting the same thing.

I want the baby that I already fell in love with, I don't know if I have it in me to love another one. How about you take the baby I feel nothing for and give me back the one that feels like my own?

I know in my head I will probably feel the same way about this new little guy in a couple weeks.

Now that the new baby is in our home Silas is all over him and anxious to love him up too. He's even started calling him by his proper name...which is better than I can manage so far. I think every mom calls her kids by the wrong names once in a while....try foster parenting. As soon as I get used to a new name....it changes.


Each child is so unique, each child's situation is different and I'm realizing that even each picking up process is different. I went to the NICU assuming that the new baby was at the same place that the last one was but the head nurse pointed me to the maternity nursery. He's not experiencing withdrawal symptoms and is not on medication like I had originally thought. He was 6 lb 11 oz at birth and he was 4 days old (bigger than Peanut was at 3 weeks old). He's already quite a bit more alert and healthier looking.

When I arrived at the nursery I was rushed off to a waiting lounge because once again the bio- mom showed up. Unlike my peaceful and sentimental exchange with Peanuts mom. This mama wasn't leaving without a fight. Long story short...I hid....she was "escorted" out by 3 security guards...and then I was escorted to my car carrying the precious cargo. I felt like a baby snatcher. I feel bad for the mother who was forced to leave without her baby. It would have taken a few security guards to convince me to leave one of my babies at a hospital and let them go home with someone else. ....There is so much to the story that I can't share and that I don't even know. What this little guys future holds...God only knows.

I didn't make it home from the city until well past the kids bedtime. Unfortunately it was also the same evening as a board meeting at the church (which Nathanael is an elder). So I was going solo.

Pick up the three kids.
Unload a SUV full of groceries.
put the groceries away.
pass the baby to big sister to feed (one benefit of this new experience of bottle babies)
get the boys in bed. (way too late)
clean up, change baby, boil bottles, pack school lunch....

It was a late bedtime but I did it. Everyone tucked into bed and the house somewhat tidy.

"Cub" (for lack of a better alias) slept great, went down for the night great and only woke up once to feed at 2.30. (Unfortunately Silas woke up at 1.30...and I had trouble falling asleep until 3.30...I hate that!). I'm hoping for an earlier bedtime tonight and hopefully his good sleep pattern will keep up. At least for a little while.
I'm babysitting for a friend today (one of the down sides of emergency fostering never having time to actually clear a schedule and prepare for a baby). Its a bit of a crazy day with a total of 8 kids. My house looks like a hurricane hit it...but they'll all help tidy up by the end of the day. I think the five baskets of laundry that need to be folded will be hanging around for another day. At least its clean. Right now the new baby, Silas and the other two year old I'm babysitting are all sleeping and the older ones are watching a movie. SANITY BREAK!! Put on the coffee and turn on the computer!

Cub is a sweet little guy. Big jowly cheeks, rosy complexion, and a thick mop of jet black hair (that stands straight up...reminds me of Kade's hair).

I am still getting used to him, establishing a bond. Sometimes even with our own babies we look at their funny little newborn faces and wonder who this stranger is. Its even more likely with a baby that is in fact a stranger I suppose. I've learned that with my foster children the actions come first (cuddling, feeding, interacting with)....the feelings develop gradually.
As the feelings come I am constantly amazed by them. A child or a baby that initially felt like a complete stranger , I will suddenly notice I feel completely protective of. A little face that "only a mother could love" becomes a beautiful face that I can't get enough of. It always surprises me when the natural feelings I have toward my own kids start to show up with a new one.

Give me a day or two and I'll be falling hard for this little guy too. I am still trying to figure out the balance of loving with out limits...while remembering that they are not mine. Its a tough one. I may never figure that one out.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18

God is perfect love.

I can't fear what lies ahead for Cub or me.

In Him I can love Cub the way he needs to be loved even though my heart still feels bruised and tired. I will leave the ramifications of such recklessness to the one who commands me to love in the first place. Not only commands but shows us perfect sacrificial love. By receiving and basking in that love I am able to overflow that same love to others.

" This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:9-10

God doesn't love us in a theoretical , out of touch ,unreachable sort of way. God the son , God in flesh and blood, set aside his glory to love us down in the dirty, dusty , messy world we live in. He loves without limits. He loved us without reservations or an escape clause. He allowed not only his heart to be bruised and broken but his flesh as well.

" We love because he first loved us. If anyone says "I love God" , yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." 1 John 4: 19-21

Kade, Peanut and Cub are not only "my" children but my brothers, my neighbors, my fellow human beings. They come from different ethnic backgrounds than I do, they come from troubled families....but they are my brothers. How can I not love them?

Something that has surprised me lately is how my interest and love toward the various ethnic groups in my province has been expanded. I have loved a Cree baby, a Dene (pronounced Denay) baby, and a Metis (pronounced MaitEE)baby. Its hard not to also love the moms, the dads, the grandmas and grandpas in those people groups too. Its hard not to be challenged to see them the way God sees them. He looks past the hurt, the sin ,the dysfunction of an individual person. He sees the way they were created to be...what they can be restored to through Christ. The rest is just the chains , something foreign and unnatural to that person. Something that they can be free of. Can we see people through those eyes too? Can we see the beauty of diversity?

Well my sanity break is over....the little ones are getting restless. Congratulations on making it to the end of a very long and scattered post.

Here I am back on the horse....getting back on this roller coaster. Ready or not.



6/13/09

Meet the Graduate


This handsome fellow just graduated from Kindergarten. Yep, they celebrate "kindergarten graduation" now. I thought that was kind of weird when we first started back into the school scene but turns out its a lot of fun. Moving from kindergarten into grade one is a big deal after all. :)
In kindergarten they are still "little" in a cute , innocent sort of way. I realized with Aili how fast they start to change and grow up once elementary school really begins. They turn into "big kids" SO fast. I kind of feel like this is the official end to his little boy years. Next come disproportionately large permanent teeth and an expanded knowledge of the world. I enjoy the big kid stage, but something of that adorable innocence is lost with the baby teeth.


Clowning his way through the award service. Shocking, I know.



Graduating Kindergarten class of '09! With nine kids this is considered a really big grade in our school. I told you it was a small school.


Each of the students received a "most likely too" award from their teacher at the ceremony. There was a teacher, paleontologist, politician, computer tech, and scientist. Roman was awarded "most likely to be a song writer". His teacher announced that Roman regularly writes her pages and pages of "music" and performs them in front of the class. I think his "music" is a squiggly lines (the words) and notes (dots with stems) written on pages of paper.
He has had an amazing teacher this year! We are so pleased that he had someone who saw the best in him and taught him in such a fun and creative way.
You never know.....maybe we do have a little composer on our hands.
Guess I'd better look into music lessons.

We wrapped up the evening with a special Roman favorite supper:

BBQ Hamburgers :
homemade whole -wheat buns, farm beef, lettuce (from our garden..yippee its ready!) and tomato

Mexican bean salad :
mixed beans (black, pinto, navy, kidney and garbanzo)
red and orange peppers
cilantro (also from the garden)
tomato
green onion (from the garden)
fresh squeezed lime (definately NOT from my garden )
pinch of salt.
a pinch of cumin.
Can you tell I'm excited that my garden is actually producing a little bit now? :)

Thats as close to a recipe as I get. I'm not a very good recipe follower or measurer (exept if I'm baking...then I at least use a recipe as a guide). This is a really yummy, colorful and very nutritious salad that goes along great with a Bar-b-q. I make variations of it all the time.

And for dessert:

Chocolate cake and icecream!!!
Now thats a real treat in this house. I wanted Roman to feel great about his acheivement and I knew having cake and icecream (normally reserved for birthdays) would do it. I was right! :)

I have a great egg free chocolate cake recipe and I bought Chapmans "made in a nut free facility" icecream for the occasion.
I don't do mixes .
If I can make it myself I won't buy it in a box.
I'm wierd that way.

Daddy even brought him home a little gift. I know we are over the top with this...but knowing what a struggle school has been for him we are ok with being over the top ! :)

A microscope!
($9 at the Bargain store)
I'm actually surprised it even works for that price!
The kids have been looking at dirty fingernails, boogers, and leftover oatmeal in the thing all morning.

Maybe I've got a budding scientist on my hands too :)





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6/11/09

Confessions of a Mediocre Mom

As I blog hopped recently, I noticed I began to feel more and more inferior as I looked into the lives of other moms. I try to soak up all the information, tips, and tidbits from women who provide encouragement to strive for better . We need that. I need that.  I need to learn and grow as a mother but sometimes it leaves me feeling more frustrated than encouraged. 


I wonder if sometimes I give off the same impression of the perfect family, the perfect kids, the perfectly balanced nutritional meals.  Some of you who know me are laughing already.  I couldn't fool you could I? As much as I'd like to appear like a "Super Mom" that just wouldn't be the truth!

I try to be as candid and real as possible when I blog but I also have the luxury of choosing what I talk about and what I don't (some things just shouldn't be shared or vented).  Honestly, some things are just not the image I want to portray.  I get to sort through all the pictures of my kids looking like mutants to find the cute ones. So, on some level there is a facade...I get to choose what it looks like.

In an attempt to give all you blog hoppers out there reassurance that there are still less than perfect moms out here in blog world I will confess some of the things that make me an utterly mediocre mom.

1. I'm currently sitting at the computer instead of scrubbing toilets or making my house and myself lovely looking before my husband arrives home.

2. I wear sweats (more like yoga style pants...I don't do elastic bottomed sweat pants..even I have standards) and a pony tail most everyday.

3. I let my 2 year old watch too much tv.

4. I have let my kids go to bed fully dressed before... secretly pleased that it will save one step in the morning.

5. I have gone to bed fully dressed before ...pleased that I can wake up and go about my day without ever having to change (hey when your day clothes closely resemble your night ones its not that big a deal)

6. My kids bath or shower twice a week max. Every evening is ridiculous and frankly I don't have the time or patience for it. (have you seen how thick my daughters hair is!!)

7. My kids know what a Happy Meal is and even enjoy one on occasion.

8. I bribe my 2 year old to use the potty with things like marshmallows, jujubes or smarties.

9. I don't sew...I take the kids clothes to my mom to mend. Thanks mom, no one can patch jeans like you.

10. I sometimes go into "ugly mom" mode when I've lost all patience....its that moment when I realize that I am closely approaching the maturity of the child I am dealing with.

11. I teach my boys to pee in the back yard so they don't have to come back in the house (I'm a farm girl....that's how it rolls out here.)

12. I mentally count down the last couple hours until the kids go to bed....my favorite part of the day. Yep , I said it . My kids are more beautiful when they are sound asleep.

13. I let my kids leave the house in mismatched socks.

14. I never make pancakes for breakfast...pancakes are an actual meal at our house. Cereal can be dinner in a pinch too.

15. My daughter knows the Hannah Montana theme song by heart....and sings it a lot..actually I probably know it now too.

16. I don't cook for my family on Sunday's. I believe that big Sunday dinners should be left behind with the last generation. Mom's deserve a day of rest too...popcorn, toast and left overs is what you'll find at our house on Sunday's.

17. I let my 8 year old do her own hair on school mornings even though she leaves the house looking like...well..an eight year old did her hair.

18. I leave baskets of unfolded clean laundry on the couch for days at a time. It really is rather convenient when it comes to getting everyone dressed in the morning...everything is right there.

19. I throw away my kids school papers they bring home (shhh don't tell them) They bring home so much stuff! I oooh and aww and then when they aren't looking into the trash it goes.

20. I have no idea what I am going to make for supper tonight but I'd better figure it out quick because its going to get squeezed in between 4-h "achievement day" and soccer practice.


Well that's a pretty long list of self deprecating confessions. Now I'm starting to feel guilty.  That's the pitfall of motherhood...mothers guilt!  Are we doing it right? Are we making the right choices? Are we being too lazy? So many people have so many opinions on everything.  How we school our kids, what we feed them, how we train them up, what entertainment to allow, how to discipline, what a daily schedule should look like...even how many kids we should have.  



Its so easy to question everything we do or decide for our kids. I think that's just a curse of motherhood...always second guessing. While sometimes its constructive, most of the time it just needs to be shut down and not allowed to take hold in our hearts. As long as we are always striving to grow in wisdom as parents, know our kids better, and know what works for our family I think that we need to move ahead in confidence with the little souls we've been entrusted with.
As long as I stay sensitive to the ebb and flow of life and the needs of my kids (needing more discipline, more encouragement, more training, more one on one time) then I think I can trust my mothers intuition. The rest doesn't matter so much....at least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself. I'm sure I'm not alone in my mediocrity anyway. :)

What are your most mediocre mom (or Dad) confessions? I'd love to hear them.

6/8/09

Silas goes swimming.


Here are some photos of the other two kids since Roman hogged the previous post. Aili enjoyed her horse time too...It would be nice to get her actually riding on her own sometime. It won't be long before she will be old enough to at camp. Some kids around here are riding horses not long after they are walking. She's been taking 4-H horse club all winter and loves it. She loves anything that involves meetings and book work. She also got to be the "vice-president" of her club...all 5 members. That was a big deal because if something happened to the other girl she would be president!! And we all know Aili likes to be in charge (I have no idea where she gets it from).


Silas wouldn't go near the big "scary" horses but he found these less scary versions at the play ground. What a great use for old tires.
It was freezing the whole weekend. It stayed dry at least but we did at one point watch snow flakes falling...in June! I packed our trailer almost a week early with shorts and t-shirts. Last minute I grabbed the kids winter coats, extra blankets, socks, long pants and sweaters. We still felt cold the whole time...at least I did. I doubled up on my fleece jammies at night!

We started out the weekend by my vaulting myself over a wire fence to retrieve Silas from the out of use swimming pool. We had just arrived and were unloading food from our car into the big main kitchen while the kids played at the playground area in front of the building. There is a pool nearby that wasn't being used yet and has a big metal fence around it. I was keeping an eye on them from the big windows in the kitchen when I noticed Silas over by the pool. It looked like he was around at the back side of the fence since I could see fence between him and me. I squinted my eyes and watched for a second before I took off to make sure. I sprinted over, climbed the fence and found Silas sitting on the steps of the pool...fully clothed sitting in murky cold water up to his waste. He looked entirely pleased with himself and his ingenuity. He had squeezed through at the locked gate and decided to go for a dip. After I went and changed him (and wished I had brought more than one pair of shoes)and gave him a good terrified mommy lecture, we laced rope through the gap to make sure no one else would find their way in. It was a bit of a scare...one of those "Thank you God" moments. If he had jumped in the deep end or I hadn't happened to see him the moment before he got into the water I would have been wandering around for the next half hour looking for him. If he had gone in immediately there is no way I would have seen him in time. It would have been over. I think his cautious nature saved him this time. Sensible Silas squatted by the side for a couple minutes and then chose to go in by the stairs....his brother at age two would have run straight into the deep end without a second thought.

What was scary was the realization of how fast an accident can happen and how fast life could have changed in an instant. It was the end of a long day of chasing him around Aili and Romans Track and field day so by bedtime I was done. My nerves were shot.
The weekend got better from there thankfully :) And fortunately my nephew who had come with my parents had an extra pair of rubber boots for him to wear.


Aili tried out the climbing wall too. Here she is getting harnessed up. She has such a cute smile on her face I had to include this picture. She's not big into the climbing thing though...she made it about 10 seconds and decided that it wasn't fun or comfortable...all things that Aili holds dear. Cleaning out the chicken coop on the other hand was apparently a blast. She spent Saturday afternoon helping to shovel out a chicken coop at the camp. She loved it.
I was so grossed out when she came back with her feet coated in chicken poop and smelling like a chicken. I made her go to the bathroom and scrub. She likes to feel important though and being a big helper to the camp staff was really cool. It also feels "really cool when the chickens peck my feet". ....ok.
The big kids were SO good this weekend. The are such a great age to just let run and enjoy themselves. Other than some of the activities we did as a family they mostly just ran around playing and getting filthy with the other kids. They were so enjoyable , cooperative, went to bed perfectly and just plain fun to hang out with. It was worth it to go on a little camp out to leave the hectic life behind and really just hang out as a family. Silas was good at staying within viewing distance too and we had no Silas searches or scares the rest of the weekend.

It was a really good distraction from my sad week last week. I needed something to keep me busy, distracted and to have a little fun too. Its been a week since I we last saw Peanut and I still miss him. I am feeling better than last week though...the constant ache is gone for the most part and I am enjoying sleeping through the night again.
On Friday God brought across my path a wonderful woman who has been foster parenting for years. She has several grown adopted children and has 4 gorgeous little foster girls at the moment. I don't know how many children in the world have a piece of her heart but I know there are a lot. We spent a good deal of time chatting and I now have her phone number. There are so many issues and things that have come with foster parenting that need the support and mentoring of another foster mom. So many things that just wouldn't make sense to anyone else. It was such a blessing to me. She told me every child she has ever had has taken a chunk of her heart with them. She said that her heart brakes over each one that leaves her home. ...even only after a few days sometimes. It was great to talk to her about how I've felt about my last two babies. We discussed how we love "our" kids even knowing that it will tear our hearts out when they leave. It helped to feel "normal"...and encouraged despite my sadness at letting Peanut go. I realize its a good thing to love them like my own for as long as I have them. That little piece of love will always be a part of their story.
I came away from this weekend feeling so blessed and reassured that God is intimately involved in the innermost details of my life. He knows just what I need and when I need it...sometimes before I even am aware of my own need for something.
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Family Camp Weekend


Our church has an annual camp weekend to kick of summer and to just enjoy building relationships and spending time together.
This year somehow my husband and I got picked to organize the event....yep one more thing to add to the craziness of the last couple weeks. It was actually fun to put it all together this year and we had a pretty good turn out. There was mostly young families with young kids there. It think at one point we counted 36 children so it was a action packed weekend. I came prepared with a pile of sand toys, Tonka trucks and rubber balls. The kids spent most of the weekend in the beach volleyball pit playing in the sand. Since the actual lake is a bit of a hike away it was nice to just be able to let the kids run around and make them selves filthy in the sand while we visited. We were also able to use the camps horses to give the little ones "pony rides"..they were actually full sized horses but we led them around instead of them riding for themselves. They had to wear helmets and boots (most of which were several sizes too big).
This is one happy boy!


I realize that every picture is of Roman but I can only include four at a time (because of sucky dial up). I'll post more later of the other kids. Roman spent the whole ride feeling the horse. That is SO Roman! He lives in this world through touch. I don't think I've ever met such a tactile kid. He literally can't look at something with out touching it too, he can't talk to a person with out putting his hand on their shoulder or hair. Its something I love about him. We've had to work hard over the years to teach him some sort of self control in that department. There are just some things that aren't touchable (like Grandma's china)...it about kills him but he's good about it if I tell him no touching.

I can just imagine Roman as one of those boys who would love to take off into the country side on a horse, just him, his horse and his imagination.
He's so extroverted and will talk any ones ear off but he is also a bit of a loner . He will let everyone else play ball or some other game and he would rather be off by himself in a tree or on his bike. He spends hours riding around on his bike singing. He's ALWAYS ALWAYS singing...more like droning...but it does have words...and at least one note :) Funny kid.
We've discovered lately just how "auditory" he is too. He has some definite "visual" learning issues but if the information comes through his ears...particularly in the form of music...or through his fingers he'll remember it. We took him into a music store the other day and he was in heaven, gently touching each instrument and tapping on every drum in the place comparing sounds(I was very careful about the appropriateness of his actions and the reaction of the store owner.) He didn't run around banging and pulling stuff off the shelves...he just slowly walked around in awe off all the instruments and possibilities (singing most of the time of course). We were there for a long time just watching him enjoy himself. Daddy the drummer had fun looking at everything too. Nathananael has started giving him drum lessons in the garage and he loves it so far. The price is right. He's been begging for a real guitar for years now. You know that saying "marches to the beat of a different drum"....this kid marches to the beat of a whole different orchestra..one that no one else hears! :)


Roman in his monkey boy glory. His parents met for the first time as regulars at a college climbing wall...I guess we should have expected one monkey in the bunch :) Always up for a challenge he wanted to do the hardest route on the wall.




Roman went up and down about 4 times before we drug him off.

He waits for family camp all year so he can get his climbing fix. He told the guy working there that he's been practicing all year on trees so he's ready.

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6/7/09

A week of sports


Spring has been packed with activity. After a winter of hibernation Aili and Roman both were eager to join some spring sports. Aili chose to play base ball and Roman (who hates base-ball) really wanted to play soccer. So we have had practices three times a week and sometimes an actual game thrown in there too. I realize that most families live like this all the time, running from one event to another, but we usually don't. As much as I appreciate my kids being involve d and learning skills we've usually erred on the side of being home bodies. Having kids in every lesson, sport and activity is not only expensive but time consuming. Its a balance though..I want them to find things they are good at. Playing sports, doing ballet or music lessons are very valuable for learning discipline, commitment, team work etc. but I also hate running ragged. My kids like down time at home....I like them having down time at home too. This last couple weeks have been a bit crazy with all the activity and having an unexpected newborn thrown in the mix! Its been fun to watch the kids though. Silas has been rather upset that he is never included in the sporting activities so he just helps himself then goes and lines up to do warm ups with the team.


Romans first track and field day. This boy loves to run...I think long distance might be his niche someday though. He's like the energizer bunny! Were he lacks in natural speed he makes up for in sheer effort. He had a fun day. It was FREEZING though and I was chasing a two year old (a disgruntled angry one at that...why is this kid never included in the big kid races?) so they had a lot more fun than I did. I was grumpy and cold the whole time actually and missed most of the events because of the above stated reason. Good times.


Fly Aili fly. Nice form. If you ever want a good laugh watch elementary kids try to do highjump!


And were back to Silas trying to join Aili in outfield...ready with his batting helmet of course.
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6/2/09

Amazing Grace

I am going to switch gears a little. For the whole month of May I focused on parenting, motherhood (and foster parenting). There has been something else that has been on my heart a lot in the past months. I am in a season of being refined and many truths that I know in my head are being made real in my heart. That process is not always a painless or easy one.

Forgiveness is a word we spout around in Christian circles a lot but what is it really and when does it apply in our lives? How do we balance both truth and grace? How do we love the sinner and not the sin? What trivialities in our spiritual lives and communities are we focusing our energies on while we are blatantly lacking the "biggies" like grace, forgiveness, mercy and justice? So many big questions have been laid out in front of me this year as I am faced with situations that I never have been before.

I read the parable of the lost son this morning and it was full of gems that I have never internalized before when reading it. The basis of the story is that a man had two sons. One son decided to take his inheritance early (in that culture meaning that his father was as good as dead to him) and go off and spend it in all sorts of relativist, self indulgent living. He eventually hit rock bottom as that self focused/ live for the moment life tends to do. But after a stint of living as a bottom rock dweller he came to his senses and decided to go back home and ask for forgiveness.

The son had willingly given up his spot in the family, had sinned against his father and against God, he had brought great shame and disgrace to his family.

I love how the father reacts when he sees him coming down the road

" While he was still a long way off his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him;
he ran to his son , threw his arms around him and kissed him.

The son said to the father "I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

But the father said to his servants, Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.
Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it.
Lets have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate."

He didn't require him to grovel or beg for forgiveness....in fact he threw his arms around him before the son even got out his apology. He didn't give him a long list of boundaries and rules to follow to earn his place back into the family circle. He didn't give him and earful about all the pain and shame he caused. He didn't give him a place out back in the barn until he could prove himself worthy.
He embraced him.
He kissed his face.
He ran to him (as opposed to a dignified stately walk in his direction. )
He gave him the family signet ring giving him full signing rights as a son.
He gave him a robe and sandals to make his status as the wealthy mans son known to all.

That is how God welcomes us. That is how we come into his kingdom...the past forgiven and embraced with grace. The reason Jesus told this parable was to give us a glimpse of the Father and his love for each of us. In knowing the heart of the Father and having his Spirit living within us how can we not act the same way to others?

The part of the story we often miss is the older brothers reaction to the return of the prodigal.
He is the brother who has been good and loyal. He has worked hard and kept up a righteous image. But if you look at the story closer you can see his heart is just as far from the father as the prodigals was.
The older brother was angry.
He disrespectfully confronted his father and questioned his wisdom.
He refused to join the celebration.

In his mind the younger son hadn't earned a spot in the family, he had forfeited that right. He didn't deserve it. The older brother wanted to see hard justice done....he wanted the younger son to get what thought he had coming to him.

The older brother lacked grace. He lacked the eyes and the heart of the Father. He could not see what was actually happening in the situation because he was so focused on his own hurt, his own agenda and his own convicitons.

The story never says whether the older brother comes to his senses and joins the celebration eventually or not. I kind of hope he did. Or he might have stomped off with his arms crossed vowing never to attend a family function as long as his brother was there. Maybe he went home to pout, maybe he ran around town frantically telling his sob story to anyone who would listen. Maybe he spread around all the horrible things that his brother did. Maybe he jumped on a band wagon made picket signs and protested in front of the fathers house.

ok I 'm getting carried away here....but how do we react sometimes when we feel slighted. When we feel that someone didn't get what they deserved? Or even worse got something that they didn't deserve? Do we show grace? Do we forgive? Do we welcome with open arms someone who's past might be wrought with sin and shame? Someone who is different, someone who doesn't fit our legalistic mold ? Someone who intentionally hurt us?

Jesus was known as a friend to sinners...in fact this contributed to the religious legalistic Pharisees wanting to kill him.


" We have the modern and insidious type of Pharasiaism, the unconscious hypocrite, the man or woman not of fraud, but of pose, not of deep and dark design, but of subtle egotism, prompt certainty and facile religiosity. " Dr. Forstyth

Legalists, Pharisees , hypocrites and older brothers exist not only in the new testament but live all around us....maybe they are us. They are unfortunately bred in the very churches and religious circles that should be following the example of Christ.

Christ embraced the unlovable, the flawed, the shamed , the sick, the wounded, the weak. He showed just how much he desires the undesirable.

How can we do any less as his followers? I've heard it said that we only love God as much as the person we love the least.

ouch

Unforgiveness is a cancer that spreads through our hearts and through our societies causing nothing but pain, wars, factions, church splits, revenge, rifts and shows like Jerry Springer.

Forgiveness is a completely unnatural act. One of the things that separate us from the animal world is ability to forgive and extend grace. It goes against our very human nature though to extend something to someone that they don't deserve. To love someone who has hurt us.

Grace not only separates humans from animals but it also separates Christianity from all other religions. The idea that we don't have to earn, petition, reincarnate, lash our selves or jump through hoops to get to God. He's there waiting with open arms....all we have to do is turn around and start that journey home.

I've heard grace defined as giving something to someone that they haven't earned, that they don't deserve but that they desperately need.

It takes something from us to extend grace...our pride, our vendetta, our own rights and even our own hurts. We set aside those things when we forgive. We are made vulnerable.
Grace costs the giver something.

Look at what Gods grace cost Him. I'm glad when I came Gods door He embraced me with open arms instead of making me earn my way back in from the ground up first...or telling me I've disappointed Him too much or brought Him too much shame. For I most certainly have done both...I still do.

We didn't earn our way into Gods kingdom, into his family. He made us sons and daughters. Put a ring on our fingers. He covered our filthy rags with a robe. He celebrated us and rejoices over us with singing.
The truth is I could never earn my way back into the family of God because I don't deserve to be there. None of us do. That's called grace....it cost me nothing....it cost him everything. I was pardoned, the penalty was paid, I got my get out of jail free card and cashed it in.

It is hard to forgive but we must do it.

The bible is explicably clear on that topic...(also on the topic of judging others).

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins"
Matthew 6:15

Clear as a bell eh?

Not easy, not simple... but clear. With the help of the Spirit of God we are able to have our hard crusty hearts changed into forgiving loving ones.

There is a world of difference between condoning and forgiving. In loving the sinner and not the sin.
Maybe the older son didn't want to go to the party because it would show that he condoned his brothers poor choices and his past. He wouldn't want to be associated with that....what would his friends think? He wanted to make a stand and prove by his absence his own lack of approval.

To condone evil is simply to ignore it and pretend that it is good. In order for forgiveness to be complete sin must be acknowledged for what it is. Forgiveness needs to be accepted as well as offered. Sometimes it involves going backwards in order to move forward. Forgiveness acknowledges the past hurt and the sin but it separates it from the person. It is freeing that person from the weight of their sin and in turn frees us from our own burden of bitterness.

Lots to think about. Its easy to spout off ideals like forgiveness and grace in our Christian circles but its not so easy when we are face to face with someone who seems unforgivable.
That's when head knowledge becomes heart knowledge.
That's were the "rubber meets the road".
That's when we have an opportunity to practice, in the nitty gritty reality of life, what we have acknowledged as bibical truth.
Any thing less is hypocritical....merely an act or a facade of righteousness.

Allow the Spirit of God today to search your hearts and illuminate hidden unforgiveness, bitterness, hatred, resentment, dissention or gossip ...any attitude of heart and spirit that is in direct conflict with that of God...and allow His cleansing to happen.


In his Amazing Grace,

Carla




6/1/09

Tired

Its been a long day. I am exhausted in every sense of the word. In fact I have no idea why I'm not in bed other than I have too much rattling around in my head that I need to purge myself of. Nights of limited sleep (3 hours some nights) and a very emotionally trying day has left me feeling all used up. I feel more like an old worn out rag than a woman right now. I think a good nights sleep tonight will bring a whole new rejuvenation...I'm hoping. That and some pouring my heart out to God and filling myself up in Him.

We went to the city today with Peanut to pass him off to his new foster parents. It was hard. I've been pretty controlled over the weekend and had pretty much cried my tears out the first couple days after we learned we had to take him back so soon. I had wrapped my mind around it all. This morning I was fine the whole drive in..but my throat started to clench and my eyes started to water as we walked into the building. I tried my best to put on a brave face throughout the exchange but holding it all in was exhausting and made my head ache and my throat hurt. It was hard to force my arms to unwrap themselves from him and buckle him into someone else's carseat. I really don't like crying in public. It all came out on our way back out to the car carrying the empty car seat though. I feel even less assured than I did before and still can't really understand what the decision process was in this. I know it could have been a lot worse for him though and I think he will be well taken care of and loved where he is going (at least until the next move. ) Still its hard not to feel like he's mine. Even though I know in my head that he's not. The truth is my hubby and I both fell in love with him and would have made him a part of our family in a heart beat.

I am realizing after my initial rant last week that it isn't wrong to love him like I did. It might seem foolish but its the only way I operate. I will not hold back love when it is needed...even if it hurts more later. I'm a big girl. I'll be ok. My heart is tired but fortunately it is intimately connected to a heart much bigger than my own. I know I will be able to open it up again (even though last week I was ready to quit)....the truth is I love being a foster parent. I think that's why I felt so confused. If this is something that is so good, so right and so what I'm meant to do (which is how it feels)....then why does it feel so rotten and hurt so bad too? I know realize that I'm willing to take the one in order to experience the other. I think I understand that now. Just because it hurts doesn't mean its not something good.

After we left the drop off building we went out to do some shopping and errands. We have to take full advantage of every trip to the city, even though I kind of felt like going home to bed and pulling the covers over my head. Only a few minutes into shopping I got a phone call from "placement" saying they had two more babies that needed to be discharged from the hospital (3 days old and 7 days old). We seriously considered taking our empty car seat over to the hospital but after talking for a while and talking to the social worker we decided to pass this time and open our home again for the next little one who needs it. I need sleep. I need to refuel physically, emotionally and spiritually in order to have another go. I know my limit. I know I could manage but I would not be a nice person to be around while doing it. I think we realized this time though that we really enjoy the little ones. I think I'll leave all the baby stuff in the spare room for the next one. I have a feeling we'll be a baby house. Although I have no idea who God will bring across our paths next.

I'm so proud of my kids. They have been so sweet to our new additions each time. Silas was such a sweetheart to Peanut. He was SO gentle and loving toward him. I never once had to reprimand him for being too rough or being mean to the baby. He loved to hold him and help feed him. He helped him find his soother and brought him blankets. Keep in mind Silas is two years old. I worried about his transition through this most since its hardest for him to understand why kids keep disappearing around here. I started telling him a few days ago that Peanut was going to another home, to another mommy. Every time I explained it Silas proclaimed adamantly "(peanut) like dis mommy...like dis house....no go another one mommy!" and then he would contort his little face and start in on a very dramatic and very staged cry. It was so cute and so sad at the same time. He started in on the dramatic fake wailing when he examined the empty baby car seat I had brought back in the house this evening. "Where baby? WAAAAA" .
I made sure to reassure him that he only has one mommy and that he was staying with me. I don't want him to worry that he might disappear next.

Both Aili and Roman asked right away "so when are we getting another one?" " Can we get a girl this time?" (Aili). They are ready to get back on the horse. I make sure to have lots of open conversations about our being a foster family. Because as a foster family the whole family is involved even the kids. I want them to know they have a voice in this too. So far their hearts are open and I am consistently amazed at all that they are willing to share. Even their mommy.

I know in the days and even months to come there will be times when the tears will come unexpectedly. Times when I think about him and wonder about him. I still think about Kade and shed a tear once in a while, even months later. The sadness and missing is different than the death of a child (at least so far it has been for me) but there is still that coming and going of those emotions. Fine one day and sad the next. Happy one minute and then crying the next when I come across a piece of clothing or a toy that was left behind. It does bring back feelings reminiscent of a grief of long ago...there is an unpleasant familiarity in these empty arms and empty cradle. I know that they won't have a chance to stay empty long though. There are too many precious little ones out there who need loved on and need a home. I think the past loss of my own child maybe helped to make me strong enough for this work. It made me realize how much I can hurt and still survive, even thrive...and made me realize just how strong my God is when I am weak. Its amazing how God will use our past to equip us for what he has for us in the future. I can see that more clearly now.

Well I'd better go get caught up on some sleep so I can clean my dirty house and get caught up on that mountain of laundry tomorrow. Thanks for your prayers today. Please pray that Peanut and his brother would be made available and be placed in a loving forever home.