Life as it is. Sunday's coming.

This time of year the stores fill up with plastic eggs, chocolate extravagance, and multicolored stuffed bunnies.  I don't generally over think or over react to the secular variations of Christian holidays (goofy traditions can be fun) but for reasons other than my general revulsion to materialistic gluttony, I struggle to make room for it in my head.  I can't reconcile fluffy overpriced bunnies with the enormity of a blood drenched cross where our murder of God accomplished His own plan to saves us.

 Maybe the muddy snow outside my window puts a grimy damper on the whole daffodils and tulip Easter stereotype, but I think it's more than that.

I look around me and I see this aching and twisted world torn apart by suffering and sin, and all the plastic grass, and food coloring in the world can't hide it from sight.

Last week dear friends of ours received the phone call that every parent fears getting.  Now they wait in a hospital room for their college age son to wake up from a coma.  An athletic young man so full of life, faith, and love...now broken in a hospital bed. Life as they knew it changed in an instant.  Proof, as if I needed any that Karma is a lie, and that the snake oil "prosperity gospel" salesmen who call themselves preachers are liars too.  As if our words have the power to speak good fortune into existence. I am grateful that his family trusts deeply in the One who does breathe life, and who can heal the broken.  Jesus is their sustenance, and the sovereignty of a good God their assurance.

This week we received a message from our second home, telling us that a child we know and dearly love has been sold by her own mother.  A mother I had hoped would not try to sell her children again. A mother who was sold into marriage by her own mother at age 13. I struggle to comprehend the brokenness. Sold like a piece of property, bought by people who satisfy their own wickedness by stripping the soul of a young girl. Thankfully she has escaped with her baby daughter. Can the cycle end?  My ache and rage coexist.

I feel a small taste of God's white hot wrath against sin that enslaves and crushes, as my heart breaks with His love for the sinner.


Daily my newsfeed and computer fills with the faces of orphans desperate to be seen, craving love. How can I not enter in?  How can I refuse to look?  Not seeing doesn't erase them from existence.

Can I claim Christ's mercy and yet refuse to pick up a cross?
Can I claim his grace yet refuse obedience?

The answer is one that I struggle with as the Spirit of God inside wages war on my doubt and selfishness.

I serve a God who came. He entered into our suffering and he bore it on his own bruised and bloodied shoulders.  Broken and poured out for a ragged and rebellious world.

I have one assurance, one place of rest, and one all sufficient provision.  Jesus lived the life I could never live, and died the death I deserved to die.  He finished it.  He bore it all.  He drank the cup of that white hot wrath to the bitter dregs, and rose victorious over my sin and death.

In light of that kind of love and sacrifice, I've been pondering what it looks like to live in this time "in between".   I have no idea how many years I will be given to me on this earth or what those days will look like.  I don't want to take any of this time for granted and waste it on plastic and fluff.  I want it to count.  I want to invest every bit of what God has so graciously and generously given me.

I want to invest in things eternal and significant.  The hard part for me is not being able to be in three places at once doing everything that pops into my heart. I don't have money, but I do have time, and gifts, and a calling. Surrendered is the word that has come into my mind a lot lately.  Living a life that is available and willing.  A constant re-aligning priorities and surrendering those dark corners.

Here's how that pondering fleshed out in real life last week.

After updating our home assessment, our family was put back on the social services call list as an emergency foster home.   I'm actually a little surprised that we haven't received a call, but we live with a daily expectancy of the unknown disrupting our comfortable life.  Who will this child be? How long will they be a part of our family? So many unknowns. A step into the dark..and then just waiting and trusting. Available and willing.

What I do know is there will be sacrifice involved and I'm not gonna lie...I have had a few whining chats with God about it for the past few weeks.

  I'm not necessarily anxious or afraid at the moment, but I am aware and counting the cost. One cost that I cling to the most, which may seem petty, is sleep. Our youngest is four years old now so I have more trepidation over reinstating midnight feedings and sleep deprivation than I do anything else. The other is the inevitable unpredictability and loss involved. It's going to hurt, there is just no way around it but at the end of the day it's just not about me.

It's strange to feel so compelled, and yet so aware of the certain heart break that will ensue.  My heart on the line again, willing to be used up, and poured out...but yet I know without a shadow of a doubt that ultimately someone is in control of it all, and that Sunday is coming.

I consider it a joy.

Resurrection Sunday reminds me that the I can go bravely into battle because the war has already been won.  It will be made right.  There will be justice, the broken will be made whole, truth will dispel the darkness, and every tear will be dried.  We have a hope beyond mere human effort, and "good deeds".  Any good thing I have to offer, anything good that you might see, is all God's grace at work.   This is just me putting one clumsy foot in front of the other, clinging to His strength, certain of my own weakness.


Sunday is coming.

That is our hope.  Jesus is alive, Jesus saves and Jesus makes all things new.

In the meantime, there's a race to be run.










Soli Deo Gloria,

Only a couple more days!!

  In a couple more days we'll all be packed into our SUV and driving south!    Right now my house is a disaster (I'm going to clean  my way out the door so basically I have no ambition to do it now), there are suitcases, bags and piles all over my living room floor mixed with strewn about normal living room mess and toddler toys.  Our car is still broken.   We are waiting on another alternator (the second one) and still aren't convinced that this will solve the problem.   It should arrive the day before we leave.   Nothing like last minute car repairs.
We are also fighting colds and poor Celina has had a fever and cough for nearly a week.  I have a drs. appointment made for her before we leave as well.   She has not been sleeping well at all...and I'll stop whining now.  A week from today I'll be eating supper at a taco stand.  mmm..happy.

If you think of us could you please pray that we can make it to the highway?

I have hardly had  time to feel excited lately.   I know once we hit the road the reality that we're going back to Mexico after nearly 2 years of being away will sink in.   Right now I'm just trying to keep our heads above water long enough to pull out of the driveway.

I really should be hitting my long to-do list but my ambition has waned.

The distraction factor for me has been high this week (which is why my to-do list is so neglected).   We've had all kinds of family (the one I married into) situations swirling around us for the last several days....and for the first time ever  it's actually good drama.  Progress.  God is doing an unbelievable work in the brokenness.   Healing what has been broken for  nearly 4 decades, and can be traced back generations.  The devastation is finally being dealt with.    It's so freeing.    God is faithful and has answered so many specific agonizing prayers for reconciliation and restoration.    It's been a long hard road to get to this point!   I can't go into details obviously, but the last 3 years of our life have been filled with a lot of grief and division.  God has taught us so much through it all though and has been SO faithful.   I haven't talked about any of it here but it has inspired a lot of "when life gets ugly" , "grace", and "forgiveness" musings  that I've written about over the past years.  We are just so thankful that God sees the oppressed, that he frees those who are enslaved to darkness, and that nothing is beyond his redemption and grace.  







This family tree filled with generations of depravity and wickedness can have a new legacy in Christ.   We are being rooted up and made something new.  God has not abandoned us.    I think I've linked this song before but it really is a good reminder to us.   We can't cover our own wretched condition with pretty masks and religious moralism.   It may fool people for a while but it isn't regeneration.   It's like stapling fruit onto a dead  tree...it may look real for a moment but eventually that will just fall of and die too. Until we're pulled up at the roots, until we come in repentance before God realizing that we cannot make ourselves ,by sheer force of will ....good, or new, or righteous, or holy we will be that dead tree.   We can't pridefully hold onto our sin.   We need to kill it.  Only Jesus has the power to smash those chains.   We need to be dug up and grafted onto the one who gives life.   Abide in Him.

This band leads the worship at my sister in law's church in Seattle.   What an amazing story God is writing in her life.   He has turned mourning into dancing.   Devastation into victory.   Beauty out of suffering.   All I can do is stand back and watch in awe.

Something Hazardous

"My desire and prayer to God is that your life and your ministry would have a radical flavor. A risk taking flavor, a gutsy, counter cultural, war time  flavor that makes average American people in your church uncomfortable.  A strange mixture of tenderness and toughness that keeps people a little bit off balance.  A pervasive summons to something more, something hazardous, something wonderful.  A saltiness and a brightness about your life...something like Jesus. "


"Jesus said do this.  Be light. Be salt.   Reviling comes. Persecution comes....and you rejoice.
....Crazy people who meet cancer, and meet death, and meet suffering with unflinching confidence in Christ and joy in being known by him and loved by him." John Piper

So much easier said than done.

Are we willing to embrace suffering...especially the kind that we choose by following Jesus into a world that hates him?    Are we willing to set our face unflinchingly toward heart break, pain, sacrifice, sickness, and loss as Jesus set his face toward Jerusalem?

Our natural inclination is to run from it.   Run far far away.   We would rather live in pleasant denial, blindness, self righteous arrogance, or apathetic compromise. I know when I  face unjust criticism, slander, or malicious treatment I feel the need to justify, defend and vindicate myself, anything but carry it to Jesus.

The honest truth of it is, we love our own lives, our reputations, our comfort, our money and our success more than we love the people of this world...or the One who died to redeem it.   We  love people for what they can do for us (or our kids)...not out of genuine grace and sacrifice.  If someone had nothing to offer us in return, no relationship, no obligation, no status, no reward...would we still love them?  At the same time, sometimes genuine love involves holding someone accountable, and leading them toward God's best for them...even when we have to risk our own desire for relationship, reputation, and convenience to do so.

"When Christ calls a man , he bids him to come and die"  Bonhoeffer.

Most Christians hide from persecution.  We crave the affections and approval of people more than intimacy with and obedience to Jesus.  We bow to the idol of people pleasing, and self preservation.  We avoid discomfort at all costs.

Do we truly reflect the one we call our Lord?  Or do we just use him as our self help cousellor, ticket to heaven, moral example, or good advice giver?
Are we willing to actually get our hands dirty?  Are we able  to be slandered, rejected, despised, and hated  and to glorify God in the midst of it all?   Are we willing to be unpopular for speaking truth?  Not likely. Not without the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. It's easier to numb ourselves with easy lies.

"The truth will set you free"....but  in this life, for many believers, that freedom  looks like imprisonment, death, and persecution.

I think most average North American Christians know very little about suffering for doing good.  I know nothing of the persecution that many believers in the world and throughout history face.  The concept is completely foreign to most of us.   It seems we believe more in a Christian version of karma than we do the actual bloody, sacrificial, radical love displaying gospel of Jesus.   We tell our kids...."be nice, and people will be nice to you"...and even worse we believe it.   

I hear sentiments from Christians like "God just wants us to live our best life" in the context of make a lot of money, pursue a lot of wonderful experiences, and buy a lot of stuff to make us as happy as possible.  "If I'm a good person and try to live a life of integrity God will bless me with success, money, comfort etc" , as if God owes us something for our efforts.  {As if our moral efforts are anything but a steaming manure pile compared to the holiness of God.}  The problem of that line of thought is, at some point every body will come face to face with pain and loss regardless of how good you think you are.   How will your shallow sentiments and Christian karma feel then?  Probably like cold comfort...or an uncomfortable itchy sweater that you can't wait to tear off. What if God's blessing comes to you in the form of suffering...a "thorn in the flesh"?  Can we thank him for loving us enough to train and test us?
I think too many Christian believe the myth that "Jesus will make all your problems go away"...eventually He will...yes...but that comes after you die.  Until then, you follow in the steps of a homeless guy who was crucified, chances are that path isn't all gum drops and roses.  Pain brings us face to face with our idols and in crushing them...teaches us the essence of worship.

At some point everyone  feels the weight of grief, loss, disappointment, and the sting of betrayal.   If you are a follower of Christ you will, by default, choose it...and you will only thrive in it by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus warns his disciples, and Paul warns the churches that they WILL face hardship and suffering.  The disciples all chose death, stoning, being boiled alive, and crucifiction instead of returning to their previous comfortable life.  Not because they had to, but because God's love compelled them to.


When you choose to swim upstream your muscles will burn and ache and you will get slapped in the face by some salmon.  If you're comfortably floating downstream in an inner tube chances are you'll think this whole river ride is a breeze.

If you do nothing, if you stand for nothing, if you are not a threat to Satan and his ongoing deception and destruction, if you don't venture out,  if you don't speak the Word,  if you don't point to Jesus, if you don't  love the people that the lost world and the religious moralists despise.....you will feel no sting of opposition.

"In fact, everyone who wants to live a Godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil men will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived." 2 Timothy 3:12

I know someone who risked it all to love a child..poured their time, affection, money and tears into a child for a decade but were turned away by one judges ruling. Opposition.  That is running toward pain, counting the cost and following Jesus.   That is not playing it safe.

If you love sacrificially,  extend grace radically,  give generously, speak truth boldly, serve with humility, step into a journey of reckless faith,  and count your own life as loss...

You will be slandered.  You will be cast out.   You will be rejected.   You will suffer loss and heartbreak.
You will be opposed.
At some point you will look at your completely empty bank account but trust that God will provide.  You will know from experience that God will give you the strength to persevere even when everything around you says quit.

And you will thank him for loving you enough to refine you even more...
and you will beg Him to show you more of His glory.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" 1 Peter 1:6

"Do not be surprised, my brothers, when the world hates you.  We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death.  Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and  you know that no murderer has eternal life in him." 1 John 3:13

"Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."  Colossians 3: 12








On a different topic.   Have you heard of Marc Martel?....he was on Ellen this past Monday because his video singing "somebody to love" by Queen went viral and he entered a cover band contest.  He is a Canadian prairie boy too.  We actually attended the same Bible College as my husband and I did.  Small world.  Anyhoo.....he and his band are called "Downhere".  They have been a favorite of mine for years.  Check them out on youtube ...then go buy their album on itunes.

Here is Marc singing a very applicable song by Keith Green.  I love it!!
"the world is sleeping in the dark that the church just can't fight 'cause' it's sleeping in the light.
how can you be so dead , when you've been so well fed?   'Cause Jesus rose from the grave dead and you can't even get out of bed"



and just for kicks...Queen.

Audacious

I don't know why I used the word audacious as a title, other than that word clattered around in my head last week.  Maybe it's just a fun word to say.

Bold, unconventional, fearless, daring, unrestrained.     Exactly the kind of faith we need to have to move mountains.

Right now I am none of those things.   I am discouraged, weak, shaken, and wounded.   Maybe I was given the phrase "Audacious faith" to ponder earlier this week because God knew I would need it by Friday.

It's been a difficult weekend, despite the fun we had.   I was reminded once again  that even though we make plans God ultimately directs our steps.   Sometimes the path we're confidently walking down drops out from under us and we're left suspended frantically looking for the road ahead.

The lies being told to me are "you are going to fall...there is nothing for you up ahead.  This is the end of the road.  You are rejected.  You may as well just quit now.  Give up.   Forget your dreams and your passions.   Go build a comfortable life, reclaim what you've willingly given up, and set up camp in the land of bitterness".   I'm being wooed to that place.

Do I have the audacity to trust, serve, and keep walking forward even when I can't see the path?

Even when our dreams, affections, and plans have been mocked and opposed?   I not only see the enemy at work but also God.   He knows that our security, affections, and plans were held too firmly in our own short sighted grasp.  

How often do we continue confidently walking down a rut.  An easy, comfortable place when God has something so much better for us.
 I know God's purposes are sovereign.  He will use what was meant to defeat us for our good and his glory.  

I am confidant that God uses even closed doors, mistakes, rejections, and opposition.  He will redeem them for his perfect will.    What may start as a door slammed in our faces by the one who wants us to become paralyzed by fear and discouragement,  can also be God saying it's time to shake the dust off of your sandals and come with me.  I have another road to lead you down.  The last path was part of your training.  Do not fear.  I am still working.  My calling has not changed.  Come spend some time seeking only me and then your eyes will be opened to where you should place your next step. Trust me. 

I know there is so much more waiting beyond what I can see  here in the dark.  A week ago I walked along confidently thinking I knew were I was going...now I'm sitting here nursing the sting of stubbed toes.. squinting...willing my eyes to see...hoping to catch just a glimpse of the path.

 It will take an audacious faith, another cleansing of the Holy Spirit,  and the full armour of God to resist the baited traps of offense that the enemy has laid seductively in my path....and to resist crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head.








"Word of God speak,
would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see your majesty.
To be still and know that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness"




 

The Mercy Quilt

A quilt lovingly, painstakingly, patiently cut, stitched and embroidered.  

Hours spent kneeling.  Hands cutting fabric and a spirit deep in prayer.  

Boxes full of seemingly useless clothing salvaged,  a reminder of a life as vibrantly complex and contradictory as the mismatched patterns and colors stacked and waiting to be sewn.   

The hum of a machine that once belonged to the owner of the clothing now being used by an only daughter to sew a quilt for a granddaughter.  Two sets of freckled hands, two women with an ability to create beauty, united for a moment.  

Three generations being stitched back together in one quilt.

Grief untangled like thread woven  through knotted generations....   

 Severed mother/daughter relationships going back 6 generations. 

Women broken under their burdens.

Curses uttered with painted lips.

 Scars well masked and covered from sight.  

Daughter wounded and abandoned

turned to Mother who wounded and abandoned.

Each one tries, Lord knows she tried...but the well was dry.

  

Each woman sought to fill the well with something.

Like patterns laid on top of fabric each generation imprints their own pain on next.

Patterns are difficult to alter.  What has been cut is hard to mend...

but not impossible.

God is intricately piecing lives back together.

Grace.

Mercy.

Love.

Regeneration.

Hope.

Stitched into each square.

Random and uncharted beauty.  

Memories of women long gone.  

Forgiven, loved, and freed from the chaos they caused,

and the carnage they chose to overlook.  

Reality forgiven,

to free the future.

Bitterness, longing, hurt released.

Fabric embracing three generations of women who  never once stood in a room together. 

3 generations of females who never celebrated Christmas in the same house...

are now bonded in this quilt.

A mother.

A daughter.

A granddaughter.

A reminder of God's mercy

and renewal.

Mercy that we all so desperately need.   Mercy that we can now freely give to others. 

New beginnings,

with new patterns.

Beauty out of suffering.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,

he is a new creation;

the old has gone, the new has come!

All this is from God,

who reconciled us to himself through Christ

and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:

that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ,

not counting men's sins against them.

And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

We are therefore Christ's ambassadors,

as though God were making his appeal through us.

We implore you on Christ's behalf:

Be reconciled to God.

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him

we might become the righteousness of God.   

2 Corinthians 5:17-21

Redemption.

"I took you from the ends of the earth,

from the farthest corners I called you.

I said "you are my servant" I have chosen you 

and not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"

Isaiah 41: 9-14

"Therefor, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy,

to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-

this is your spiritual act of worship.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, 

but be transformed by the renewing of you mind.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -

his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Romans 12: 1

Mercies in Disguise

I heard this song on the radio for the first time this morning.
 I stopped clearing up breakfast dishes for a minute and just listened.
I have never heard a song that dares to point out where God's real blessings are often found.
We aspire to happiness, comfort, safety, health and success.  We ask God to give these things to us and our loved ones.  I need this reminder.
What if God has something better for us that can only be learned through grief, struggle, or heartache?
I want my prayers to look more like this.


I'm yours God, 
I crave more of you.
Bring me into your Holy presence and refine me with your consuming fire.
Teach me what love really is.  
Take away more of me, so I can see more of you.
Use my life for your glory.


Lord, my children are yours.
Help me to raise them with hearts that have been transformed and filled with you.
Give me your strength and wisdom every day. 
 Remove my selfishness as I pour myself out.
May my little ones truly know, to the depth of their spirits, the you are faithful,
even if that means you take them through experiences that strips everything else away.  
Lord I don't aspire that they be successful in the worlds eyes, 
perform to impress, or that they live safe and happy lives.
Make them strong in your strength.
Make them wise in your wisdom.
Create in them men and woman after your heart. 
Use them for you glory.
You hands, voice, and heart in a hurting world. 
Bless them with real blessings.  
The greater joy that can only be found
in the places few people are willing to look. 


May my Fruit be watered by the storms,
may they be fertilized by trials,
may they grow in desperation for more of you.
As they reflect your beauty may it bring 
nourishment to those around me.  

Empty me of distractions, selfishness, and ambition that is not a part of who You are in me.
Give me eyes to see your mercies in disguise 
and to receive the blessings 
that I'm too afraid to receive. 
Help me to trust in Your love even 
when it extends beyond my understanding.




We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
But long that we'd have the faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Forgiveness is costly

(to avoid auditory chaos don't forget to scroll all the way to the bottom of the blog to pause the music)

Forgiveness   by Beckah Shae
Betrayed and let down, they gossip and slander
They sabotage You as they mock You, it’s just a mess!
But I refuse to amuse the lies
And whether or not they apologize
I’m moving on, I’m going to let go cause I got to fly

Laying down all that’s in the past, no bitterness
Putting aside all my pain and my pride, to be blessed
I’ve learned what we hold against someone else
Will only wind up hurting ourselves
We need love motivation

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

The damage is done, the scars still remain
But I gained wisdom and strength
So I declare the victory is won

I refuse to amuse the pain
Won’t let it take my freedom away
I’m moving on, I’m going to let go
Cause tomorrow’s a better day

Laying down all that’s in the past, no bitterness
Putting aside all my pain and my pride, to be blessed
I’ve learned what we hold against someone else
Will only wind up hurting ourselves
We need love motivation

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

I am only human, I am so imperfect
And I’m whole heartedly
asking You to forgive me, oh
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me

You got to take in the air and just breathe in
Believe in order to let a broken heart
start beat, beat beating’ again
A gain of restored grace
From a flash in a past space
What’s left is a bad taste

Repairing from despair
Which left you unaware
That others desperation of hating’
Which had you stating’ what was done in the past,
History, so ill, the sting from the blow, fast hit, it’s so real

Faced with the options presented
Forgive or resent it. to live or regret it, grip or forget it
You got to love or hate it
See, the truth’s been stated
Let it go, because the past has been dated

Now pardon me of my faults in the fall of me
Dignity placed in all we see
Drawn from a source of what we can’t force
A loving trace of a crimson course
Of course, no remorse in

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

The reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness






In the last couple years I have been tested in the area of forgiveness.   Tested to the core.


True forgiveness costs the giver everything, but the reward of that obedience is worth so much more.  I have seen that lived out by a dear friend in a magnificent way over the last couple years. 


Still, it is a struggle for me.  
 Forgiveness is not divine amnesia.   The injustice remains unjust.  The victim is still victimized.  The lies are still lies.  The slander is still echoing.  The smoke of deception  is still billowing.   The ripple effects of  sin are still devastating.  
Nothing has changed. 
but...
everything has changed.   
"The damage is done, the scars still remain
But I gained wisdom and strength
So I declare the victory is won"

The victory is won because the victory is His.  He WILL be glorified despite the mockery of his grace.   He is already being glorified despite and because of it.

Forgiveness is releasing the hurt, the offense, and the wound to the only One to knows exactly what grace truly costs. 


Offense, unforgiveness, and bitterness are traps  that lure and entice but  they are a trap carefully set for us by the enemy.
They become a cancer that spreads through the mind, body and spirit.  
 I choose life.  Life to the full.  I choose freedom, 
even when my pride, my knowledge, my agony  for those I love, and  my sense of justice cry out  for vindication. 
 I realize that the "my" in this sentence is misplaced.   
What God is doing has very little to do with me...
 other than teaching me how to forgive when faced with the most disturbing reality.
   
For years  have prayed to know the heart of Jesus more clearly.  This is  his heart.  


"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."


Would I die for people who hate me?
While we were still God haters, He died for us.
  It's hard enough to die to my own pride never mind actually die physically for someone who despises me  or lies about me.  


Forgiveness is costly. Especially while you are still being hurt and rejected.   Bitterness is easy.


I can show respect.   I can choose to bless those who curse me.    I can love only through the grace of Christ living in me.
Forgiveness does not mean that it doesn't matter.  Forgiveness does not mean that it doesn't hurt.  Forgiveness does not mean a complete absence of consequences and boundaries.  Forgiveness does not mean that destroying people,  betraying trust,  hurting children, or tearing apart families is ok.    It's not.  
God knows how wrong it is.
No matter how seemingly small or how blatantly horrific....our sin matters so much that it put Jesus on the cross to carry the weight of it.  
Grace understands the full extent of the violation, looks it in the eye, and offers forgiveness that isn't earned or deserved.


Our forgiveness of someone does not require an apology or repentance from the offender.  It would bring further restoration and healing but sometimes that never comes.  Sometimes they continue to deceive right to the end of their phony life, or speak slander on their deathbed.    We can't wait for an apology to be obedient to God's command to forgive.  He not only commands us to do it, but he does it himself. 


Can I forgive even without an honest resolution, without witnessing repentance, or without an end to the mess in sight? 
Not without Christ I can't.    Not if don't daily seek him, focus on Him, release it to him, and learn to love others through Him.    
So often I slip and am tempted to bitterness.
Then I am humbled again by my own unforgiveness and again I seek the grace of my Father.


Until we are faced with  injustice, rejection,  and betrayal ourselves it is easy to simplify the forgiveness God offers us.
It is easy to forget the enormous cost at which it was made ours.
Only in Him are we made good.  Our God does not overlook, close his eyes, or pretend we are good when we are all wrong.
Only through the cross of Christ the unholy is made holy.  


When it comes to forgiving someone who has hurt you  (or hurt people you love) praying is key.   If the person or people are still alive praying unselfishly for the person who is the object of your offense or the source of your wound is essential.   It is so hard.  I don't say that without struggling through this on many occasions myself.  Sometimes even the name of the person gets caught in your  throat as you work through your own emotions and hurt.   God will meet you there.   Little by little as you pray for, intercede for, and pray blessings on that person your heart will begin to change....even when that person does not.  You will begin to see that person through God's eyes instead of the eyes of your own hurt. 

After all, we do not battle against flesh and blood.  When we pray we engage as warriors in a battle that cannot be fought in the flesh.  That is where the battle is won.  That is where we already have the victory.  That is where the sinners chains are loosened,  the blind folds are removed and broken hearts are mended.  I am learning so much more about prayer and fasting this year.


God is working even when we don't see it.  I am learning to trust in a new way. I can trust him with the "wrongness" and the injustice as I learn to humble myself, pray, and forgive. 


Nothing we do or don't do, acknowledge or refuse to acknowledge, forgive or refuse to forgive will be taken to the grave with you.  Our choices live on past us.   The hurt that is caused can ripple on for generations  OR it can be given over to our healer, our savior and used for his glory for generations to come.   

Icky feelings

I'm in a funk today.  I can't even blame it on pms.  Nope, it's all mine to claim and muck through.

Discouraged- check
Overwhelmed - check
Annoyed- check
Afraid - check
Angry - check
Frustrated - double check
Inadequate - triple check
Sad - check


I think I'll stop there.

Sometimes being a mom feels overwhelming.  The huge responsibility.  The constant needs.  The million and one ways to screw it up.  I had one of those days where I woke up not really wanting to parent today.  I went through the motions, did my duty but it felt slightly forced.  I guess that's what love is, loving even when you're not really feeling overwhelmed by the feeling of it...or are down right irritated by it.  Sometimes I just want to be selfish and occasionally I resent the fact that people need me.  At the same time I love that people need me! The paradox of parenting.

  On another note.  Disgust and disappointment with  human nature overwhelms me.   Stupidity and ignorance astounds me.  I'm frustrated  with lies.  Frustrated with people whose whole lives are carefully woven webs of deceit.  Sad that I am helpless to remove the web.   Hurt for those wounded by the lies and those still blindly caught in the web.  Maybe I shouldn't care..or know...or notice...but I do.  I know and I care.  Deeply.

I'm sad for souls so wounded  by their pasts that they, in turn ,wound others.   I'm sad for children hurt by parents who are supposed to love, nurture and protect.  I'm sad for  children who grow up unwanted, abandoned,  and destroyed.   I'm sad for every child who ages out of the foster system completely alone in their devastation.  I'm sad for every child who is abused and thrown away.  It breaks my heart that it happens under blind eyes.  It's easier to close our eyes to it

I came across this blog today.  It is heartbreaking but informative.  As  foster parents ,and as a family who has loved on (and hopes to again in the future) hurting, abused and tossed away kids in Mexico, the perspective is very valuable.  The blog is written by a young woman (teen?) who was abused in every way, neglected to the point of starvation,  and then abandoned completely by age 7.  She spent years in the U.S foster system.  She talks very candidly , in very raw uncensored language, about her hurt,  feelings, longings, fears, devastation and damage.  I wish I could give her hope and tell her she is precious, loved, wanted and does have a Father God who's heart breaks every time she cuts own skin trying to escape her pain, or cries herself to sleep.

 Although her posts are hard to read she is very well spoken and  gives tips and perspective to foster parents as to why hurting kids do the things they do...hoarding food, binge eating, lashing out, finding it difficult to trust and how to handle the issues.   It has really helped me as a foster parent, sister, daughter-in-law and friend to better understand kids or adults who have been hurt or abandoned by a parent.  For those of us who haven't been there personally it's difficult to understand how deep that wound cuts.  For foster parents or other people investing in a hurting kids life it's important to know how not to inadvertently make those wounds deeper.

Because my parents are in Haiti, I'm watching more  programs and reading more articles about that nation's utter desperation.  Talk about overwhelming!  I'm so thankful I am safe and comfortable in Canada but at the same time I long to be there among the chaos and devastation.  I think I'm crazy sometimes!

It all feels overwhelming.  The needs.  The task.  The broken world we all live in.
Sometimes I feel like, what's the point? What difference can we really make?

Only One is big enough for it all.

It's not like I'm depressed or clinically anxiety ridden....just bummed out with all the dysfunction and brokenness at this moment.  For now a plate of nachos might do just the trick. Actually, now that the kids have been in bed for 2 hours and I've had some quiet writing time I'm starting to feel better.   :)

Something New

As we approach a new year I find myself in a contemplative mood.   A bit of a shocker for you I'm sure. Warning: this post contains Carla Style rambling....

I have the most delightfully awestruck feeling that this coming year is going to be a digging up the potatoes kind of year.  For some reason, I see God smiling and with a twinkle in His eye, He says to me "Watch for me.  I am coming with God sized deliverance".   This is what has been on my heart the last few weeks as we prepare to enter 2011.

I recently watched the movie "Faith Like Potatoes" in case you were wondering where my potato  analogy came from.   So often the work that God is doing goes on out of our sight.  We have seasons of planting. Seasons of waiting.  Seasons of trusting. Seasons of drought.    Then there is the harvest...the day we see with our own eyes what God has been doing all along beneath the surface.  We stand amazed at how beyond our own understanding, striving, complaining, figuring, and short sighted perspective....God had a plan.  His timing was perfect.  He has provided.   All I have left to do is praise Him.

For the last couple years , in certain areas of our life, we have walked through a hostile desert.  We have loved and we have lost.  We have seen miracles and we have seen devastation.   We haven't always understood.   I have grown weary and I have despaired.  This past year has once again brought the baseness of human nature up close and personal.   We have walked in faith trusting that God knows, God sees. God will bring  His light.  This was a year of persevering in obedience through the drought.  I can't help but anticipate and wonder how God will rain down his mercy and glory this coming year.  This may not be the year for a torrential down-pour of his healing, only another year of drought, but for some reason I feel the clouds are gathering and I'm longing for a deluge.  A front row view of  the pain also gives us a front row view of His redemption of it.  That is a pretty spectacular place to be...even if we are all ragged and worn when that time comes.  Sometimes that may not come until  we enter eternity.  I really suck at the waiting...especially where injustice is involved.

In other areas of our life we wait expectantly.  I am waiting with anticipation to see what God has for us around the next bend.  Beyond what I can see.   Where will we go?  Who will we love? What circumstances will God take us through to teach us what we need to understand?  I am wondering what this next year will bring and because there are so many loose ends, unknowns, and impossible situations....I know we will see God's miraculous provision.   That is exciting to me.   In my  immediate family there are two adoptions being processed.  Just two examples of active waiting.  Waiting on God's perfect timing and provision.

We are also praying about our desire to return to Mexico.  There are so many obstacles that we have given to the Lord.  Now we wait...and hope...and anticipate.    Maybe God has something entirely different for us.

Things do NOT always happen like I want them to, or  like I think they should.  That does not for a second mean that God is not working.

Sometimes I envision the end result, I see God's redemption in a situation.  I hear His calling.  I feel God's heart,  I see someone with His eyes....but I usually have no clue as to how or when HIS plan will come to pass.  Even when we can't see how, His promises remain.  
 I have very little concept of how my tiny role, my willingness to be used, emptied, even despised, will be a part of that plan.  I run into trouble when I try to take matters into my own hands and rush ahead of God.

 Moses was given the vision of freedom for his people.  He was given the passion and the burden.  He then rushed out to stand up to injustice and caused only more problems as a result.  The Hebrew people he tried to free despised him.  The Pharaoh wanted to kill him.  It is interesting though that God used even Moses' blunders to take him to where he needed to be.    It was't until Moses graduated from 40 years of humility training in the desert that God used Moses to bring his people out of their bondage.  The result was miraculous.  I'm sure everyone had lost hope by that point that God was going to intervene on behalf of his people.


God is going to redeem that which is most broken, enslaved, lost, and wounded.   God works through His people.
"Watch and see it will not be unredeemed".

God is bringing some good things into the lives of those who he has raised up out of the pit. The lowest, the weakest, the most despised...they will inherit the blessings of His kingdom that He delights to give.  His hand also brings justice and will humble the hard and the proud.  His hand will right wrongs, extend unfathomable grace, and reclaim what was lost.  

He will " rip the deadness out  and plant something new".
And so I wait in joyful anticipation for that new work.
"I will abide in the life giving blood of Christ.  I'm grafted in."

This may seem like a strange song to include in this post. It may seem like a strange song period. Maybe this is  a strange post in general.   There are likely songs that are more inspiring or applicable but for some reason I am drawn to this one today.   (don't forget to push pause on the music playlist at the bottom of my blog first).

Finding the words

It's been a while since I have written much of anything.  I think I have hit my first writers block ever.  Not that life hasn't been full of things to feel , express and write about.  I just didn't have the words to write and the words I had I couldn't write down.

8 days ago we got the phone call that my husbands mother died.  Since then life has been a whirl wind of emotions, plans, and travel.

It was a phone call we knew was coming but was heartbreaking just the same.

I am exhausted emotionally and physically.  

This past week we left all four kids with my amazingly generous parents for four days as my hubby and I traveled to the Motherland in the Pacific Northwest of U.S.  

It is a trip we knew was coming.

It was a trip we have been dreading and even fearing  for various reasons.

God went with us, before us and surrounded us all.  There were rays of kindness and mercy.  The sun shone warmly on our backs. 

A lot of prayer has surrounded and proceeded these few days and for every grieving member of the family.

We felt sustained. 

I felt Him remove my own fear and hurt and replace it with  genuine love and grace that could only come from Him.

As we spent two days with my husbands family remembering my second mom we had hope and comfort.

We all have hope.

I have so many moments, emotions, memories and words that I am unable to process into anything but paradoxical fragments.

Sadness, hope

deep love, deep hurt 

beauty, pain

 kindness, cruelty

grief, comfort 

sorrow, peace
confusion, understanding

trust, fear

remembering, choosing to forget

miracles

memories

moments

As we reunite with our children and recover with a lazy day back at home my overwhelming emotion is gratitude.

which I find odd. 

I know God has us, he has this, he has my second mom with him in her eternal home.  

I am humbled by the reminder of his perfect sovereignty and His attention to even the smallest details of our lives. 

 Rickey,  your "marvel bars", your cards and gifts, your creativity, your encompassing hugs, your love of beauty, and your big laugh will be missed by us all. 

Whenever I see china tea cups, bouquets of flowers or watercolor paintings,  Whenever I  taste spice tea....

 memories will make me smile. 

I see qualities of you in each of my children.  Your freckles, shoulder dimples, thick hair, and creativity has not   been lost but only been passed on.  (although the thick hair seems to have skipped over a few of your decendants)