I'm in a funk today. I can't even blame it on pms. Nope, it's all mine to claim and muck through.
Overwhelmed - check
Afraid - check
Angry - check
Frustrated - double check
Inadequate - triple check
Sad - check
I think I'll stop there.
Sometimes being a mom feels overwhelming. The huge responsibility. The constant needs. The million and one ways to screw it up. I had one of those days where I woke up not really wanting to parent today. I went through the motions, did my duty but it felt slightly forced. I guess that's what love is, loving even when you're not really feeling overwhelmed by the feeling of it...or are down right irritated by it. Sometimes I just want to be selfish and occasionally I resent the fact that people need me. At the same time I love that people need me! The paradox of parenting.
On another note. Disgust and disappointment with human nature overwhelms me. Stupidity and ignorance astounds me. I'm frustrated with lies. Frustrated with people whose whole lives are carefully woven webs of deceit. Sad that I am helpless to remove the web. Hurt for those wounded by the lies and those still blindly caught in the web. Maybe I shouldn't care..or know...or notice...but I do. I know and I care. Deeply.
I'm sad for souls so wounded by their pasts that they, in turn ,wound others. I'm sad for children hurt by parents who are supposed to love, nurture and protect. I'm sad for children who grow up unwanted, abandoned, and destroyed. I'm sad for every child who ages out of the foster system completely alone in their devastation. I'm sad for every child who is abused and thrown away. It breaks my heart that it happens under blind eyes. It's easier to close our eyes to it
I came across this blog today. It is heartbreaking but informative. As foster parents ,and as a family who has loved on (and hopes to again in the future) hurting, abused and tossed away kids in Mexico, the perspective is very valuable. The blog is written by a young woman (teen?) who was abused in every way, neglected to the point of starvation, and then abandoned completely by age 7. She spent years in the U.S foster system. She talks very candidly , in very raw uncensored language, about her hurt, feelings, longings, fears, devastation and damage. I wish I could give her hope and tell her she is precious, loved, wanted and does have a Father God who's heart breaks every time she cuts own skin trying to escape her pain, or cries herself to sleep.
Although her posts are hard to read she is very well spoken and gives tips and perspective to foster parents as to why hurting kids do the things they do...hoarding food, binge eating, lashing out, finding it difficult to trust and how to handle the issues. It has really helped me as a foster parent, sister, daughter-in-law and friend to better understand kids or adults who have been hurt or abandoned by a parent. For those of us who haven't been there personally it's difficult to understand how deep that wound cuts. For foster parents or other people investing in a hurting kids life it's important to know how not to inadvertently make those wounds deeper.
It all feels overwhelming. The needs. The task. The broken world we all live in.
Sometimes I feel like, what's the point? What difference can we really make?
Only One is big enough for it all.
It's not like I'm depressed or clinically anxiety ridden....just bummed out with all the dysfunction and brokenness at this moment. For now a plate of nachos might do just the trick. Actually, now that the kids have been in bed for 2 hours and I've had some quiet writing time I'm starting to feel better. :)