reminiscing and missing
This was my family 2 years ago at Silas' 2nd birthday party. I'm still missing the sweet little boy on the right.
How, after 2 years , can my heart still break and tears still occasionally come to my eyes? I've had kids longer, I've fallen in love with and said goodbye to babies...but this boy won't let me go. Shouldn't I be "over him" by now?
It's not like I'm overcome by grief or thoughts of this boy are constant...but like any kind of loss it comes like little unexpected waves, and memories.
He crosses my mind almost daily lately. Maybe because my little miss Cece is growing into toddlerhood and reminding me of him. They have similar racial heritage which might explain some similarities. Maybe it's because the winter we had him (winter before last) was the last winter we spent in Canada. Cold weather, ice skating and playing in the snow are all bring back memories. I pray for him each time he comes to mind...sometimes thats the middle of the night. I think God brings him to my heart for a reason. I know he needs prayer and if thats the only way I can love him then I'm ok with the hauntings.
Fostering is a strangely wonderful yet heartbreaking experience. First you are handed a perfect little stranger. You are reminded that he does not belong to you but to the powers that be. Then you are told to love this child as if he is your own. As your loving actions precede any sort of loving feelings you start to realize that you are slowly but surely falling for this little stranger. At some point you are shocked to realize that your heart is completely overtaken and you have fallen into crazy mommy love. That run in front of a moving bus, fight a bear kind of love. Next you are forced to pack a suit case, say a quick goodbye and never hear from, or see that child again. In my case not even know where that child is going. You will not be allowed to know what became of them.
It's messed up.
It's so broken,
but I guess so is this world we live in. At the end of the day, I'd do it again...and again if thats what God has for us. I know that I can be taken to the end of myself and survive. Each time my heart breaks with loss, each time I love someone who seems unlovable ,I better understand the heart of God and I become broken in a good way.
These two boys were both buddies and adversaries vying for mommy's affections. Kade boy was so affectionate, snuggly and wanted to be where ever I was, doing whatever I was doing. I spent hours rocking, snuggling and smooching on that boy. Maybe thats why he was so easy to fall in love with. He was a boy that needed a mama.