From our family to yours

The official Burlando Family Christmas letter.

Greetings from our family to yours.  I decided to write a Christmas letter because it's important to keep in touch with loved ones and perfect strangers on the internet. Just in case you just haven't had your fill of my family via the various forms of social media I spent too much over sharing on, here is a festive overview.  

As you can see we live in a winter wonderland.  Otherwise known as a place that looks beautiful and magical for about a week during Christmas and then quite instantly transforms into "It's so cold! Why do I live here? We have to plug in our vehicles for crying out loud!"

Here is a run down of the family pecking order. 

Our eldest daughter is 14.  She does teen ager type stuff like playing basket ball, going to youth group events, and trying to escape her home any way possible.  Her current hobbies are doing her hair, spending obscene amounts of time primping, obsessing over makeup, posing for selfies, feeling chronically embarrassed of her parents, and teasing her younger siblings. 

Our eldest son is 12.  He is not quite a teen ager but he is as tall as his mother and is as moody as his father.   Even as I regularly exclaim "Good lord what is that smell?!!" it is fascinating to watch a boy slowly morph into a man.  We found a perfect outlet this fall for his gratuitous amount of energy.  It turns out he really likes to run.  Which could come in handy because his little brother may end up bigger than him someday and pay back will be rough.  

Son #2 is 9 years old and is loving school.  We are loving having him in school too.  

His hobbies are watching people do stuff, repeatedly asking obvious questions, and eating noodles.  

Son #3 is turning 9 next month.  He is the family comedian and generally a happy guy....as long as no one messes with his Mine Craft world, gets in his way, says the wrong thing, or suggests he do something he doesn't want to do. His hobbies are watching TV, eating apples, and following me around asking for the App Store password. 

Daughter #2 is as sweet as ever.  She has smile that is pure sunshine and a giggle that can melt ice. She has also recently traded her preschool biting streak with full on punching.  She's pretty good. We may have a future UFC star on our hands.  I'm putting my money on this one.  

Foster Daughter is still stuck with us.  She seems ok with the arrangement.  That may be because she has lived with us since she was a newborn and has nothing else to compare our family with.  Her stubborn streak, sense of humour, and ridiculous amount of energy are good survival tools and she fits in perfectly.

The Father of the pack has been working very hard building a sound proof addition on our house.  He's hoping to move into it early in the new year.  While wondering how he ended up with five children, despite having a vasectomy after three, I snuck in a sixth.  He now insists that we are "done".  For real this time.  No really, for realz.  More real than the last four times he has said that.  

The mother of the pack has many hobbies.  These include being woke up at night, making appointments, driving kids around, cleaning up messes she didn't make, and counting down the hours until wine O'clock.  

It's a long winter.  Sometimes you just need a hotdog cooked over a fire....when it's -20 degrees Celcius.  

They're all on the naughty list. Every last one of them. Even the cute one. 

Cece still hoping sure can use her charm and good looks to change her fate of getting coal for Christmas. 

This one has the good looks but completely lacks ability to charm.  The look on his face suggests he's pretty sure Santa might kidnap him and take him to the north pole to work as a toy slave. 

With the current state of the economy and a rising concern about the use of fossil fuels we decided to forgo modern methods of transportation.  It's really very efficient mode of travel if you aren't concerned with things like warmth, comfort, speed, and distance.  

So from our family to yours.  

Yule Tide greetings.  

May your New Year bring with it an abundance of chocolate, coffee, and Netflix marathons.  

An Exhausted Mom's Survival Guide

Self Care is a topic I have very little natural interest in.  In all honesty any time I hear people talking about "self care" I think about Oprah type motivational speakers, or ladies ministry groups painting flower pots and I want to gag.

I realize it may seem odd to make that assertion and then proceed to write about the topic.

I find in our culture today we are inundated with "self".  We are implored to love ourselves more, to exult ourselves higher,  and to put our own needs ahead of those around us.  It's everywhere, even drilled into every child via innocent cartoon characters.   "Just follow your heart" and "Believe in yourself" are the theme of most every children's program I overhear my little one's watching.  After a while I just find it nauseating.   Self love, self esteem, self preservation, self glory self...self...self...me..me...me...blah...blah...blah.

We are raising generations of completely delusional, hyper-sensitive, narcissistic nut balls who expect the world to validate and celebrate their every whim, desire or thought.  Social media has only poured fuel on the fire of self worship.

Biblically speaking we are commanded to love others as we love ourselves.  This is making the assumption that we already naturally love ourselves. We generally don't need to make it a goal or put any effort into it.  We are selfish by nature. Even when we serve others we are tainted by self serving motives and hopes.  If anything our problem is not a lack of self love but a distracting preoccupation with it.  The command is to love others and love God.

Because I need regular reminders to set aside my own bent toward selfishness and self preoccupation I avoid most topics of "self" altogether.  Simply because they often wander down that trail.
I'm convinced that my own joy has little to do with how much comfort, luxury, and ease my life contains. I'm also convinced that rather than seek to focus on ourselves more, we are far more content when we get over ourselves.

That being said as a caregiver to many small people, including children with various health considerations and special needs, I can't ignore the topic of self care altogether or lump it together with all the other nonsense.  I've been trying to figure out what does a healthy concept of "self care" look like for me, while also being committed to caring for others?

I'm going to back up a little and let you in on what started me thinking about this topic.

In about November of last year I hit a wall.

I'm naturally a push through, tough it out, do the next thing, and take the next step kind of a person. I'm really great at ignoring flashing warning lights, making another cup of coffee, and muscling through.  Tired is just a normal state of being when you have six children but cumulative months and years of stress, demands, sleep deprivation, and constant busyness had started to take their toll.  I entered a new state of exhaustion that I could no longer afford to ignore and I had nothing left to push through with.  I guess burning the candle at both ends only works until it melts and you burn your fingers on two flames.  Then you have no choice but to drop what's left.

It's hard to explain unless you've been there.  Completely drained to the dregs. I became so overwhelmed with the energy it took to just muddle through the day that anything extra expected of me was next to impossible. Just the thought of getting the kids out the door and into the car took more than I had to give, and anyone with kids knows there is always somewhere to go and something that needs to be done.   I seriously felt like the gravity pull had increased exponentially and like I was walking knee deep in mud.

My mind was a fog, my spirit was dull, and my body was weak.
Totally done.

So, that began my self assessment.  I've always viewed my body as a sort of a functional machine. Something of value that was given to me as a gift and that I need to steward well.  Clearly I wasn't doing a very good job.

In Hebrew there is a word "Nephesh".  {soul, self, life, creature, person, appetite, mind, living being, desire, emotion, passion}.  It encompasses what it is to be human. Our "nephesh" makes up our whole person. When any of those components of who we are is undernourished or wounded the others parts suffer as well.  When multiple facets of who we are become drained we're in trouble.  A downward spiral can happen relatively quickly and the more exhausted you become the less strength you have to pull up out of the nose dive.  Sometimes all you've got left is a weak cry for help to a God who hears and knows. Weakness is not something that should be feared, in fact in understanding our own weakness we are made strong.  My problem is remembering to stay connected to the one who will continually fill me as I pour myself out.  I unwittingly cut myself off from the Creator of "nephesh" and the source of life.  Before anything else I must nurture my affections for Him and remind myself of who I am.

I should clarify that I am naturally a very low maintenance girl.  My idea of a manicure is using a pair of nail clippers when my nails start to get in the way.  I have had a pedicure once in my 38 years of life.  I get my hair cut and highlighted twice a year. I absolutely hate shopping. I'm not much for fashion, or dressing up, or beauty products, or going out on the town.  I'm a home body who enjoys very simple pleasures. I think it's harder for people like me, those who don't require or expect much pampering to take care of themselves.  My idea of "Self Care" may look very basic and unspectacular.  But it's the basics that are essential.

Here are a few very simple things that can help pull us out of that nose dive of exhaustion and complete burnout.  These may seem painfully obvious but sometimes the obvious needs to be said. I know I will need to review and assess on a regular basis.

1.  Rest.  This seems the most obvious but at the same time can feel the most impossible.  There is a difference between getting much needed sleep and soul satisfying rest and rejuvenation.  Sometimes we  just desperately need alone time like lungs need oxygen, particularly if you're an introvert surrounded by hyperactive extroverts like I am. It's hard for my husband to understand this need since he is energized by being around other people.  I need silence and peace.  I need to wander and slide around in my own thoughts.  I need to sit in silence and pray. I need to not be needed or beckoned by anybody every once in a while. I occasionally need to drink a cup of tea or coffee right to the bottom without having to warm it up in the microwave.  To me that is restful. Maybe that's why I enjoy late evening when the house has gone quiet.  Sadly this need for quiet aloneness competes with my even greater physical need for sleep.

2.  Sleep.   I generally feel guilty if I take a nap and consider it a waste of time but sometimes making a nap a priority is a necessity not a luxury.  I'm horrible for putting myself to bed on time.  Mainly because of #1.  I so cherish that hour or two between when the kids are tucked away and when I drift off to sleep.  Self discipline is helpful in this area, and too often self discipline is something I lack.  As mothers we cannot control what our nights will be like because we are on call 24 hrs a day.  That may mean waking with a baby every two hours for months on end.  That may mean unexpected sickness, nightmares, wet beds, or children crawling into my bed and sticking their little feet in my face.  Sleep is a precious commodity.  It must be carefully guarded and sought after.  Every once in a while us night owls need to force ourselves to go to bed early.  Without sleep everything else starts to fall apart.

2. Take care of the machine.  Basically, don't neglect basic maintenance. Go to the dentist.  Get a physical and some blood work done if you chronically feel horrible and exhausted.  Make (and keep) that chiropractor appointment if you are living with chronic back and neck pain.  These are all things I added to my calendar this winter. I have had some health issues lingering for years that I have just never bothered to get to the bottom of. This advice can seem so obvious but I think it had been years since I had gone and got a check-up for only myself. It can be such an logistical inconvenience, if not next to impossible, to make appointments like these that they just get put off indefinitely.  Too often it just doesn't seem worth it unless it's an emergency situation, but I can't take care of others very well if I don't take care of my own health. So much of our health is completely out of our control, but we should do what we can to maintain the gift of health we have been given. That leads into my next point.

3. Nutrition.  It's a fact that a person who is chronically sleep deprived and exhausted will crave sugar and empty calories.  The body is desperately trying to find fuel to keep moving.  I can attest to this.  When I'm feeling my most depleted my natural tendency is to reach for simple carb filled calories and caffeine in an attempt to soothe emotionally and find energy.  This is part of the downward spiral that I have to resist.  I now try to begin the day with a smoothie packed with nutrition rather than a quick piece of toast, bowl of cereal, or just a cup of coffee. It's a quick and easy way to sneak in stuff my body needs. Good nutrition doesn't need to be fancy, gimmicky, or expensive,  Get some protein, even if it's a simple boiled egg at breakfast.  Eat fresh fruits and vegetables.  Make sure you get some healthy oils in your diet. Take some extra supplements if you feel you're lacking in certain nutrients (for example Calcium).  Vitamin B supplements make a difference for me as far as energy goes.  Make sure you're getting some iron rich foods.  All of these little things can take a few extra minutes or some planning but you will feel better if your diet doesn't consist entirely of scraps off your preschoolers plate and chocolate stashes in your closet.

4.  Fresh air and movement.  For some reason this one is hard to do.  Maybe it's because for several months out of the year I live cooped up in a house inside a giant dark freezer.  Going out for "fresh air" is not that fun, and I hate the cold.  Maybe it's because the thought of bundling a gaggle of little people up to go with me is overwhelming. Now that the weather has turned toward Spring I am trying to get out and go for a walk (usually pushing a stroller and corralling a five year old on a bike).  It's not exactly a work out routine but it's a baby step toward feeling more alive.  Now that the daylight is starting to stick around longer my goal is to go out after the Little's are in bed and start jogging again. Since my Junior High years I have been an on again off again runner.  The "off" has mostly lasted for the past several years.  I've always had good intentions to start up again but it wasn't until I broke my leg a year and a half ago that I really realized I had been taking my legs for granted and hadn't been using them to their best potential.  Recovering from that injury forced me to become even more sedentary and then I kind of got used to not seeking out physical activity like I used to.  It's a cycle I hope to break this Spring and I'm really hoping my formerly injured leg can keep up!  If I can't run I at least want to do some brisk walking.  Oh good Heavens, I sound old! Maybe I should take up shuffle board or horse shoes.

5.  Take time for something that you enjoy.  Something that recharges your batteries, something that makes you feel like more than just a "mom, something that relaxes, inspires or challenges you.  The concept of an actual hobby actually illicits chortles of laughter inside me.  It's right up there with sleeping in.  It seems like a ridiculously wild and unrealistic dream but it doesn't have to be extravagant.  What floats your boat?  Take an art class, join a sports team, or go to a movie alone. Try doing crafts (that is SO not my idea of fun...but to each his own), writing, hiking, gardening, blogging, scrap booking (ACK! even writing that stresses me out), taking photos, visiting with friends, reading....it could be anything really.  Find something that will make you feel like you, and make some guilt free time for it.  Totally easier said than done though. With this one I really have to resist developing an attitude of entitlement or demand "me-time" when I need to be giving others my time. That attitude of entitlement to "me-time" can create life sucking resentment, impatience, and general grouchiness. That attitude doesn't foster peace, gratitude and generosity.  So, we do need to carve out some time for simple pleasure and fun, but not at the expense of letting the truth of the gospel fill and refresh us as we continue to give of ourselves. That is a much stronger and less fleeting foundation. I find that the more I focus on "me-time" the more I resent anything that gets in the way of my little kingdom of self.

6. Feed your mind and soul.  Keep learning, keep growing, and keep pushing forward into the grace fuelled sanctification process.  Stretch your mind, learn to listen and discover new perspectives on various topics of interest.  I'll be honest with you.  Parenting turns my brain to mush.  Maybe even literally.  Some days I can't even remember my own phone number. We need to put something into our minds that will push out the Frozen song lyrics, and mind numbing chatter, and remind us that we are in fact adults.  Read, study, and pray.  When you don't have any moments to be still and quit, play music that will feed your soul or put on your headphones and listen to podcasts that will stretch your mind and nurture your affections for Christ.  What we put into our hearts and minds is as important as what we put into our bodies.  Guard it and feed it well.

7. Accomplish something.  I know that adding something else to the forever looming unfinished "to-do" list doesn't sound like self care but after the previous things are taken care of, venturing into this goal can actually make a difference.  Something small and doable.  Something that has been hanging over your head, or something that you have never made time to do but would either enjoy doing or feel satisfied having done it.  I'm not talking about the giant looming mountain of laundry that you never see the bottom of, or the endless rounds of dishes, or any other routinely mind numbing chore.  Something outside of the usual.  Something that actually has a start and a finish (unlike most other things we spend their time doing).  Being a full time at home mom (which I realize is a rare thing these days) can leave me feeling like I accomplish nothing while at the same time always being busy.  It can be psychologically draining and defeating after a while.  So, whether it's refinishing a piece of antique furniture, planting some flowers, or cleaning out a closet, the feeling of accomplishment and a job well done might just put a spring in your step.  This shouldn't be something to add to the weight of your oppressive list of things you failed to get done...if possible it should be something that you can escape into for a while and feel good about doing.  An example of this is I recently took the time to put a few of our trips to Baja Mexico into My Publisher photo books. Precious family memories and digital photos were tucked away in an external hard drive and had never been put into any hard copy format that could be enjoyed.  It was a bit tedious and time consuming but this was something I have been wanting to do for years.  I thoroughly enjoyed sifting through old photos and creating something that would help preserve some great family memories.

8. Change the scenery.  This will admittedly take some physical energy to pull off.  Whether it's trading the sweat pants and T-shirt streaked with kid snot for some "I get to leave my house today" clothes and just going out for a cup of coffee, or going on a little family vacation, sometimes a change is as good as a break.  Even if you have all your kids in tow. So often we just need to get away from the looming mess that is our house, the distraction of internet and phone calls, and the stress that our "to-do" list holds.  We need to see new things, experience new places, and be reminded of so much beauty around us.  We need to be reminded that we actually enjoy our children. Sometimes a change of location and scenery helps to clear our cloudy vision and mirky attitude.

9.  Make some changes.  Living in a constant state of stressed out exhaustion is not sustainable.  It's not healthy or helpful.  You may think you're pulling it off but the ulcer, high blood pressure, or weight fluctuation will expose our self deception.  I believe we can live lives that are graciously poured out, used to their fullest, and filled with beautiful life giving sacrifices without being overwhelmed to the point of burn out. I'm not sure I have that equation figured out.  Sometimes we just need to say "no" to more non essentials.  We need to let go of some "good" things for something that is much better.  Our kids don't need to be in every activity, sport, or lesson under the sun.  Limiting  extra curricular activities and commitments is an easy way to reclaim family time and some sanity.  Be careful what you choose to volunteer for.  We need to be willing to serve and minister to others but we need to be intentional and focused in how we use our time.  I cannot be on every committee, attend every meeting, or join every club.  This year we made some changes to our daily family dynamic and for the first time in 5 years we have all our school aged kids attending public school.  It may be only for a year or two and we may have more home based educating in our future but this was a change we all needed. This isn't a post about homeschooling so I won't get into the details of that but after weighing some pros and cons the scales tipped into the favour getting some of the kids out of the house and into a respite school. So far it has been a positive year for everybody, and has made me thankful for the years we were able to spend investing into our kids at home.  When it comes right down to it, you may just need to adjust your expections and standards.  I love a clean and organized home, however I am outnumbered by 7 people who do not have that standard as their goal and, in fact, try their very hardest to create the opposite.  Someday my house will be tidy and quiet.  Until then, I won't waste my time and energy fretting over it all the time.

10.  Ask for help and accept offers of it.  I just plain suck at this one.  Not gonna lie.  That's why I put it the very last.  What I know to be true, and what my pride allows are often two different things. We were created to live in genuine, grace saturated, vulnerable, community with others. We can't do this thing alone.  As Christians we were not saved to live solitary lives but rather into a body of other sisters and brothers who will help to shoulder our load and speak truth into our dull and weary hearts.  When you are faced with more unique parenting challenges like parenting a child with a disability, learning disorder, or some other special need seek out others who can relate and who can help equip you for the daily grind.  Encouragement, experience, humour, understanding...these are all life lines when you are in the trenches of parenting a child with special needs or navigating the crazy world of adoption and fostering.  All parents need encouragement and support regardless of the specifics of each family dynamic.   It doesn't matter if you're a brand new mom learning how to parent your first child, or an older seasoned mom with a house full of teenagers.  Parenting is tough stuff.

Carry on soldiers.

Now I must go finish the supper dishes and go to bed.

Busy Season and a Broken Fibula

These pictures are from last week...

at least I think it was last week, harvest is all becoming a bit of a blur to me.

The good news is they're almost done. Although I'm not really sure what exactly "almost done" means.  I guess it means there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and we're almost to the other side.

We went out for a quick Daddy visit, and to take him some food.

This was Elijah's first ride in the combine.  He was nervous at first....that is one big loud machine, but he is a tractor kind of a boy.  He loved it.  I think he could ride in there happy as could be all day.  Maybe next year I'll have to try out that theory if I get grafted into the harvest crew.

It's an excellent crop this year.  Lots of grain. 

It's not our farm, but a good farming year is good for job security.  

It also makes harvest time more fun....and at the same time more work to get all that grain hauled off. 

The weather has held really well, a nice late summer.  Dry and hot are good conditions for getting the crop off..although it also makes the dry crop more flammable.   There was a combine malfunction that caused two fires.  Nothing adds some excitement to harvest time like a prairie fire sweeping across the field. 

My hardworking man coming home late at night.

They don't do any threshing without the water tanks and the discers ready to both douse and dig, waiting in the same field...just in case.

The harvest on the home front is also quite bountiful.  I have boxes full of tomatoes ripening faster than I can manage to do anything with. 

I've been making and freezing salsa.  I had planned to do more but...

well, I'll get to that part of the story.

On Friday we also dug out all the carrots still left in the garden.  It took hours.

But I'm very thankful I didn't decide to put if off until this week.

On Saturday the Hubster, a couple of the kids and I skipped out of work and went to a wedding.

It was beautiful. 

We got home super late Saturday night, then got up bright and early to head back to the city to meet with our church peeps.   We had a busy afternoon in the city planned after church.  We dropped two girls off at a birthday party, one boy off at a friends house, and two other boys at another friends house to be babysat.  We had signed up for a "redeeming your marriage" class. It was the first one of 6 sessions. I was looking forward to meeting with some of our friends  and working through a Paul Trip course on marriage.  We were child free (for the first time in ages), running late,  and there was Tim Hortons coffee waiting for us.  We pulled up to the little rental room our church was using for the class and hopped out of the van.   That's where things went bad.

I didn't realize our van was parked along the edge of a curb, making the drop off out of our lifted van even further (and unexpected).   I hit the ground really hard.  It was so fast I wasn't even sure how I managed to dismount so badly.  

The pain was instant and intense.  So many ouch sensors were triggering all over my body it took a minute to even figure out where I was injured...and what was actually a serious injury.  I had a scuffed knee (ripped right through my pants), a scuffed/ bruised elbow, a twisted scuffed left foot, and an injured right ankle.  Both my feet were bruising and the right foot and ankle was swelling. My hubby lifted me back up into the van and I think we both hoped I could shake it off and limp my way into the class with a funny clutsy story to tell.  As the minutes passed the bizarre nausea, profuse sweating, hot flashes, shivering, and pain got worse and I realized that this wasn't something I could shake off and tough myself through.  I told my hubby that I needed him to drive me to the ER.  I was not ok.

That's when the panic set in.  Worse than the waves of pain was fear that I was broken, and stress over the prospects of being busted.  

The Mama can't be broken. 

All I could think about was:  I'm a mom of 5 kids,

one child with a physical disability,

  I have a husband trying to get a crop off and working long hours....

boxes full of produce needing to be dealt with,

A messy house, full piles of laundry,

an empty fridge,

a mess of dishes from a couple rushed days, late nights, and an early morning scramble out the door for church.

I was not prepared in any way to be out of commission!

I wanted a do-over.  I really could get out of the van in a much more coordinated, careful way.

I felt so stupid...

clumsy, frustrated, and helpless.

We decided to head for a small non emergency drop in clinic that has an xray machine.  We only had to wait two hours.  If we had gone to the hospital it would have been several hours.  I remember too clearly the many hours I spent in an uncomfortable waiting room with a busted up 1 year old Silas (we waited from early morning until after supper time, just to be seen).

I was initially scared that both my feet were injured. 

My husband had to go get a wheel chair to get me into the clinic....although I couldn't set down my right foot on the foot rest.  I had to hold my knee to keep my foot dangling without pressure on it.  

It was kind of miserable.  I have never broken a bone before.

I wasn't surprised that it was broken...I would have been surprised if it wasn't.

It is amazing though how one little bone can cause a persons entire body to freak out.  That tip of the Fibula is what broke.  

So now I'm home, hanging out in our recliner with a big old boot on my foot.

I'm very thankful that my left foot is just a bit twisted but not sprained or broken.  It hurts if I move it wrong, spend too many minutes on it, or tweak it too much.  I've never been so thankful feeling for one decent foot. 

 I'm thankful that I can hobble to the bathroom and back with crutches.   It's the little things.

I'm also thankful that none of our kids were with us when Mama crashed out of the van.  It would have been much more logistically stressful to try to drop kids off somewhere before heading to the ER.  

I'm thankful that the break wasn't worse and that I didn't need surgery.  Phew. 

So now we figure out how to do stuff without mom's help for a little while.

The stress and chaos level was pretty high last night (getting home late with five kids and a broken wife), and this morning was a whirlwind of chaos and turbulent emotions.

Silas missed the bus and was late for school, although he did manage to eat breakfast get a lunch packed.  Cece packed her own bag to go to Grandma's (with mom dictating and making sure her inhalors and skin medicine/ lotions got into the bag).  Daddy dropped Silas off at school, and Cece off at Grandma's house on his way to work. Things seemed a bit calmer after that.

Until Elijah started freaking out.  Even small changes in routine, household structure or family population cause him major stress.  This turned apocalyptic for him for a few hours.  Having mom sitting in a chair with a broken foot, unable to help him and do the things with him that she does every day was just too much.  So much of the melt down behaviors are simply rooted in fear.  I have to remind myself of that, or I end up overreacting myself.  Aili did her best to help him, and I'm encouraging him to do more himself...but he wasn't having any of it. 

 "No thankyou! Mommy help me!"

Poor guy.  I had to call Daddy to come home for a bit.  I was afraid Elijah was going to hurt himself (or me) and he wouldn't let Aili anywhere near him.  Daddy tucked him into bed for a nap and although he didn't sleep, it was a good reset.  

The afternoon so far has been totally fine.  In fact the house is eerily quiet with just Aili and Elijah home. 

Last night when we stopped at our friends house to pick up the boys, Elijah was so sweet.  He was shocked to see me using crutches (that kind of blew his mind a little) but he just kept rubbing my arm asking "ok mommy?" I could tell he was panicking a little so I kept assuring him that I was ok.  I told him I fell down and had an owie foot but I would be ok.  Right away he put his little hands on me and started talking to Jesus.  He explained all about how mommy fell out of the van and broke her foot. and ended with a big "Amen!".  It was pretty sweet.  He has trouble understanding a lot of things, and my life is a series of re-explaining the simplest of concepts, but yet he didn't miss a beat in knowing who to go to with this little crises.  He knew who could help us get through this little trial. 

And help He has.

Last night I cried myself to sleep feeling quite desperate, wondering how this was going to work.  Today I know we'll survive.  That may sound overly dramatic...maybe it's the pain talking...but when so many people depend on you to be in top physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual form...it's scary to get knocked down to being dependent. 

Today I'm thankful that my mom is watching Cece and Silas for a few days, and that Roman is still at a friends house.  I'm extremely thankful for Aili who has been at my beck and call, has been doing dishes, doing some laundry, and looking after Elijah.  

My mom brought over supper, and took away a box full of ripe garden tomatoes that were threatening to rot untouched in my kitchen. 

I'm thankful that I'm generally so healthy and able bodied, that I have the luxury of  taking it completely for granted.  

I'm thankful that my husband took a break from hauling grain to come home and help me figure out this air cast I have...and then he went to town to get groceries.  We usually stock up Sunday afternoons while we're in the city...that shopping trip didn't happen and if we wanted to eat something other than carrots and tomatoes groceries were needed.  

I'm telling ya' this little trial is going to teach me a lot about dependency, setting aside my pride, and learning to be still.   None of those things are in my nature.  I'm a stuff done kind of a gal...not a sit in a chair all day, feeling about 100 years old, popping Advil, accepting help from people, kind of gal.  

I've also realized that if you hit the pavement hard enough to break a bone there are all kinds of other places in your body, and muscles, that are going to hurt the next day too.  Meh.

I'm feeling really pathetic and useless.

I can no longer BE the house keeper, child care, physical therapist, cook, gardener, baker, kid chauffeur....

maybe I can still teach school, I'm going to give it a few days though.

So now, for a while, I get to just be.  

I get to be the student learning some hard lessons in weakness.

Soli Deo Gloria,

6 month birthday and my adorably odd sometimes naughty children

Cupcakes half decorated for my Miss Cece's half year birthday party.  

It was a fun little celebration of our little girl and an excuse to eat cupcakes.  Aili and Roman surprised me by bringing out wrapped gifts for Cece.  They each picked out one of their own toys that they thought she would like and would be appropriate for a baby.  It was cute.  Cece received her first doll.

Cece has grown a head full of adorable curls.   I'm loving that her hair is long enough (in the front anyway) for little pigtails.  It's so sweet done up with bows and ribbons.  I'm having fun.   

Since Aili was old enough  to stand and sway she has been putting on shows for us.   Her life is one big broadway musical. 

On  regular basis she hand delivers tickets with the time of her next show.   We don't dare loose them because they are required for admission at her bedroom door.   We don't dare sigh in relief and walk away when we loose them either....

Attendance is mandatory.

This time it even came with audience rules.

I don't have pictures of her standing on her bed singing Amazing Grace because , as you can see, photography was forbidden.

I did get a picture..(or 50) of her and her birthday party  friends (her slightly coerced friends) putting on a show for us.   

It seems a flair for the dramatic runs a little further down the birth order.

It's hard not to love a face like this one.

I'm  optimistic that we are entering a new chapter in the life and times of Silas.   He is now past
3 1/2 and it finally seems that we are making a small breakthrough in our attempt to de-barbarianize him.  He was a ridiculously easy baby and angelically compliant toddler ( until 2 1/2.)  However he has been challenging my parenting skills, resources, and experience to the max for the last year.   He is SO different than my other two at this age (who began that "phase" at about one year old).  In some ways easier....in someways strangely more difficult.  I have had to remind myself that he is not going to be as easy and well behaved as the "big kids" are now because he isn't a big kid.   It's easy to forget that both Aili and Roman brought me to the end of my rope and parenting confidence on a regular basis during these high maintenance preschool years...just when I was about to throw in the towel and accept the fact that they were destined for prison they turned a corner.  Aili was ridiculously strong willed and emotionally volatile at Silas' age.   Roman was crazy strong willed , impulsive and mischievous.   Silas has an overdeveloped sense of sneak and sly.  Children are all so different!  They take every bit of wisdom we can muster to learn what makes them tick and how to best guide and teach them.

A few weeks ago I  bought Vanilla Oreos (weak moment, sale, shopping with 4 kids).   Silas became  so obessed with this unusual heavenly treat in the cupboard that he climbed up on the stove , grabbed  them and consumed most of the bag while hiding in his room.  I had no idea what he was up to until he heard me coming.  He ran out of his room, slammed his door shut , spread his arms and legs out wide in front of the door and exclaimed "Don't go in my room...you don't need to go in there!!".   I had to  suppress laughter while doling out consequences moment..
  Silas has been a child who seems to seek out bad attention.  I don't know if it is partly because he has lived a rather unstable and strange three years and he is  unsettled about his role in the family but he seems to embrace the role of "bad boy".  He wants to be the "bad guy" when they play.  He wants to be a "bad buy" when he grows up (that is a little disturbing as a parent).   A common  experience would be after I give a consequence for deliberate naughty behavior ( something like coloring on the table..not an accident, not a misguided attempt at creativity but doing it just to see what will happen), and implore him to give up his evil ways lest he desire more unpleasant consequences he smugly states "I like to be naughty!".  How does a parent deal with that?  I just keep being consistent and hope that my slow learner catches on eventually.   In some ways I think he has had a bit of the " baby of the family" syndrome.  For too long he was the one we gave into when he whined.  The one the older kids had to sacrifice for his preferences.  Too often we appeased his behavior rather than dealt with his behavior.    Even our subtle and occasional giving into his brattiness has created problems.  Last winter while we were in Mexico, living and homeschooling in a trailer and always in a public place there were so many times when I couldn't or just chose not to fight the whining toddler battle head on.  Not consistently anyway.   I realized at the time that once we got home we'd have a baby that needed to be brought into boyhood. That process has been more difficult than I anticipated.

Despite consistentcy, follow through, and regular reminders of expected behavior he has been choosing to do exactly what he knows he's not supposed to do....regardless of what he knows will be coming at the end of it.  That's the frustrating part.   Testing, testing, testing...constantly.  It's exhausting!  It's not the fun part of parenting.  I know it's a process that must be gone through but I am ready for this phase to end.  I'm ready for some fruit of my parenting labors with him.  I'm ready for some smooth sailing for a while.    If I don't get through to him now  as a preschooler it will only get worse.  I do realize that a 3 year old does not have the capacity to act like a 12 year old but contrary to popular belief kids don't naturally outgrow disrespectful , rude. whiny, or sneaky behavior...the stakes just get much higher.   If a child doesn't learn respect for others, honesty , and manners early on he will give his parents (and society) grief for years to come.  Pay now or pay a much higher price later.
  I've tried to balance the "boot camp" mommy with  some extra attention and positive encouragement when he is being good...but I think overall he has kind of gotten lost in the mix. He's not one of the "big kids"...he's not the baby (even though he expresses his desire to be "a baby like Cece" again very frequently).    He has lost his baby status...he has lost it on and off 4 times in the last 3 years.  In a way I think he is trying to figure out where he stands, where the boundaries are, and how secure he is in our family.   Will he still be loved when he chooses to be naughty?    Will we love him enough to protect him from himself and deal with the behavior (as well as the heart issues behind it)?  Do we love him enough to enforce secure boundaries.  I frequently tell them:  "I love you too much to allow you to be ______(selfish...rude... dishonest..)".  Although following through with consequences is always inconvenient, uncomfortable and unpleasant for both of us...it is essential.  Yelling, nagging and warnings are easy but they will never produce a desired result.  Ignoring undesirable behavior is easier but will never build character.   I am constantly assessing and checking to make sure that my parenting is not leaning toward the easy way out...it's so easy to go there.  I have my moments.     Training , teaching and guiding a child's character is a marathon process not a quick fix and unfortunately there are no mile markers along the way until one day you discover that the things you have painstakingly and intentionally been sowing into their hearts are reaping a sweet reward.

Anyway...I think we are now seeing a change....finally bringing  out the boy who wants to please, who wants to be helpful and who desires to be good.   In the last couple weeks he has suddenly become genuinely remorseful when he does something wrong ( I was secretly fearing that this boy was lacking a conscience completely).  He is becoming a much more obedient boy and I'm hearing words like "yes, mommy" "ok, mommy" much more frequently.  I'm hearing  more "may I please have a _________" without being reminded or corrected.   He is doing his "chores" and is eager to help like a  big kid.  He is figuring out that life is much easier on everyone when he behaves himself.  He told me last week  "When I'm a naughty boy it does not make mommy happy....when I have a good heart and be a good boy mommy is so happy with me". 
 He still has his moments, especially when naps are missed...but overall they are outweighed by much more sweet moments.     He seems more secure.   I'm hopeful that we are entering a new season...at least for a little while.

Because kids live here.

Last week one of my blog chums Lynnette had a really funny post about the irritating things kids do and how we react to them. It was hilarious and it sounded just like my house! She challenged us to post our own pictures of things that prove that kids live here.

That very afternoon I snapped three photographs.
A common sight in my washing machine. Rocks and even a Swiss army knife. Maybe I should start checking his pockets....although that sounds a little scary.

That same little boy, about the same time I was doing laundry was busy "digging a trench" . Some good physical work outside is wonderful for an energetic little boy. However, the location was less than ideal. Every lawn needs a trench filled with water don't you think? He had the pleasure of using his dump trucks to fill the holes back in afterwards.

Any guesses?
I have no idea what the story is behind this. I found this on a blanket that had been on the couch for quite some time without me knowing it was there. Possibly days or weeks. After further investigation I discovered it was not chocolate.
Whoop whoop for potty training!....*insert eye roll here*
I think Silas had used the potty without telling me and then went and sat himself back down to watch tv.
A little love gift...its even on a heart. :)

Just a glimpse in one afternoon of the irritating, innocent things kids do that make us crazy.
The sticky finger prints or whole face prints on windows.
The bits and pieces of paper cut up on bedroom floors
The toilet paper roll, unrolled
amateur plumbers trying to figure out if toy cars sink or float
water left on
toilets unflushed
juice spilled
play-doh stuck in carpet
marker on the table.
pee on the carpet
sandy shoes dumped out in the entry way
pickle juice spilled in fridge
Lego's neatly arranged in my pantry

.......ok I'll stop there although I could go on and on.

So many things each day that I have to consciously choose to respond to rather than react to.
In fact I am taking deep breaths just writing that list :)

So many things they do are done in innocence and they just need to be reminded or have explained to them why "we don't carve messages for invading aliens in our door posts".

Some of the things make me laugh. I am consciously trying to see the beauty of childhood in the little inconveniences. (well maybe not the poo)

Occasionally something is done not so much out of innocent childishness as in disobedience and it is dealt with accordingly.

We are in the de-barbarianizing stage with Silas right now.
Its a lot of work but I know that eventually he'll figure out what is expected of him as a "big boy" in civilized society.
It seems multiple times a day he is being disciplined for poor choices or inappropriate reactions.
I remember that stage with the older two...it seemed like it would never end...but it did.
After that its more maintenance, refining....and reminding.

Someday I may even miss rocks in my washing machine, holes to China dug in my lawn, and kleenex box faerie houses strewn about my home....can't say I'll ever miss finding poop on a blanket though.

What did you find today that prove kids live in your house?

Confessions of a Mediocre Mom

As I blog hopped recently, I noticed I began to feel more and more inferior as I looked into the lives of other moms. I try to soak up all the information, tips, and tidbits from women who provide encouragement to strive for better . We need that. I need that.  I need to learn and grow as a mother but sometimes it leaves me feeling more frustrated than encouraged. 


I wonder if sometimes I give off the same impression of the perfect family, the perfect kids, the perfectly balanced nutritional meals.  Some of you who know me are laughing already.  I couldn't fool you could I? As much as I'd like to appear like a "Super Mom" that just wouldn't be the truth!

I try to be as candid and real as possible when I blog but I also have the luxury of choosing what I talk about and what I don't (some things just shouldn't be shared or vented).  Honestly, some things are just not the image I want to portray.  I get to sort through all the pictures of my kids looking like mutants to find the cute ones. So, on some level there is a facade...I get to choose what it looks like.

In an attempt to give all you blog hoppers out there reassurance that there are still less than perfect moms out here in blog world I will confess some of the things that make me an utterly mediocre mom.

1. I'm currently sitting at the computer instead of scrubbing toilets or making my house and myself lovely looking before my husband arrives home.

2. I wear sweats (more like yoga style pants...I don't do elastic bottomed sweat pants..even I have standards) and a pony tail most everyday.

3. I let my 2 year old watch too much tv.

4. I have let my kids go to bed fully dressed before... secretly pleased that it will save one step in the morning.

5. I have gone to bed fully dressed before ...pleased that I can wake up and go about my day without ever having to change (hey when your day clothes closely resemble your night ones its not that big a deal)

6. My kids bath or shower twice a week max. Every evening is ridiculous and frankly I don't have the time or patience for it. (have you seen how thick my daughters hair is!!)

7. My kids know what a Happy Meal is and even enjoy one on occasion.

8. I bribe my 2 year old to use the potty with things like marshmallows, jujubes or smarties.

9. I don't sew...I take the kids clothes to my mom to mend. Thanks mom, no one can patch jeans like you.

10. I sometimes go into "ugly mom" mode when I've lost all patience....its that moment when I realize that I am closely approaching the maturity of the child I am dealing with.

11. I teach my boys to pee in the back yard so they don't have to come back in the house (I'm a farm girl....that's how it rolls out here.)

12. I mentally count down the last couple hours until the kids go to bed....my favorite part of the day. Yep , I said it . My kids are more beautiful when they are sound asleep.

13. I let my kids leave the house in mismatched socks.

14. I never make pancakes for breakfast...pancakes are an actual meal at our house. Cereal can be dinner in a pinch too.

15. My daughter knows the Hannah Montana theme song by heart....and sings it a lot..actually I probably know it now too.

16. I don't cook for my family on Sunday's. I believe that big Sunday dinners should be left behind with the last generation. Mom's deserve a day of rest too...popcorn, toast and left overs is what you'll find at our house on Sunday's.

17. I let my 8 year old do her own hair on school mornings even though she leaves the house looking like...well..an eight year old did her hair.

18. I leave baskets of unfolded clean laundry on the couch for days at a time. It really is rather convenient when it comes to getting everyone dressed in the morning...everything is right there.

19. I throw away my kids school papers they bring home (shhh don't tell them) They bring home so much stuff! I oooh and aww and then when they aren't looking into the trash it goes.

20. I have no idea what I am going to make for supper tonight but I'd better figure it out quick because its going to get squeezed in between 4-h "achievement day" and soccer practice.


Well that's a pretty long list of self deprecating confessions. Now I'm starting to feel guilty.  That's the pitfall of motherhood...mothers guilt!  Are we doing it right? Are we making the right choices? Are we being too lazy? So many people have so many opinions on everything.  How we school our kids, what we feed them, how we train them up, what entertainment to allow, how to discipline, what a daily schedule should look like...even how many kids we should have.  


Its so easy to question everything we do or decide for our kids. I think that's just a curse of motherhood...always second guessing. While sometimes its constructive, most of the time it just needs to be shut down and not allowed to take hold in our hearts. As long as we are always striving to grow in wisdom as parents, know our kids better, and know what works for our family I think that we need to move ahead in confidence with the little souls we've been entrusted with.
As long as I stay sensitive to the ebb and flow of life and the needs of my kids (needing more discipline, more encouragement, more training, more one on one time) then I think I can trust my mothers intuition. The rest doesn't matter so much....at least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself. I'm sure I'm not alone in my mediocrity anyway. :)

What are your most mediocre mom (or Dad) confessions? I'd love to hear them.

Silas goes swimming.

Here are some photos of the other two kids since Roman hogged the previous post. Aili enjoyed her horse time too...It would be nice to get her actually riding on her own sometime. It won't be long before she will be old enough to at camp. Some kids around here are riding horses not long after they are walking. She's been taking 4-H horse club all winter and loves it. She loves anything that involves meetings and book work. She also got to be the "vice-president" of her club...all 5 members. That was a big deal because if something happened to the other girl she would be president!! And we all know Aili likes to be in charge (I have no idea where she gets it from).

Silas wouldn't go near the big "scary" horses but he found these less scary versions at the play ground. What a great use for old tires.
It was freezing the whole weekend. It stayed dry at least but we did at one point watch snow flakes falling...in June! I packed our trailer almost a week early with shorts and t-shirts. Last minute I grabbed the kids winter coats, extra blankets, socks, long pants and sweaters. We still felt cold the whole time...at least I did. I doubled up on my fleece jammies at night!

We started out the weekend by my vaulting myself over a wire fence to retrieve Silas from the out of use swimming pool. We had just arrived and were unloading food from our car into the big main kitchen while the kids played at the playground area in front of the building. There is a pool nearby that wasn't being used yet and has a big metal fence around it. I was keeping an eye on them from the big windows in the kitchen when I noticed Silas over by the pool. It looked like he was around at the back side of the fence since I could see fence between him and me. I squinted my eyes and watched for a second before I took off to make sure. I sprinted over, climbed the fence and found Silas sitting on the steps of the pool...fully clothed sitting in murky cold water up to his waste. He looked entirely pleased with himself and his ingenuity. He had squeezed through at the locked gate and decided to go for a dip. After I went and changed him (and wished I had brought more than one pair of shoes)and gave him a good terrified mommy lecture, we laced rope through the gap to make sure no one else would find their way in. It was a bit of a scare...one of those "Thank you God" moments. If he had jumped in the deep end or I hadn't happened to see him the moment before he got into the water I would have been wandering around for the next half hour looking for him. If he had gone in immediately there is no way I would have seen him in time. It would have been over. I think his cautious nature saved him this time. Sensible Silas squatted by the side for a couple minutes and then chose to go in by the stairs....his brother at age two would have run straight into the deep end without a second thought.

What was scary was the realization of how fast an accident can happen and how fast life could have changed in an instant. It was the end of a long day of chasing him around Aili and Romans Track and field day so by bedtime I was done. My nerves were shot.
The weekend got better from there thankfully :) And fortunately my nephew who had come with my parents had an extra pair of rubber boots for him to wear.

Aili tried out the climbing wall too. Here she is getting harnessed up. She has such a cute smile on her face I had to include this picture. She's not big into the climbing thing though...she made it about 10 seconds and decided that it wasn't fun or comfortable...all things that Aili holds dear. Cleaning out the chicken coop on the other hand was apparently a blast. She spent Saturday afternoon helping to shovel out a chicken coop at the camp. She loved it.

I was so grossed out when she came back with her feet coated in chicken poop and smelling like a chicken. I made her go to the bathroom and scrub. She likes to feel important though and being a big helper to the camp staff was really cool. It also feels "really cool when the chickens peck my feet". ....ok.

The big kids were SO good this weekend. The are such a great age to just let run and enjoy themselves. Other than some of the activities we did as a family they mostly just ran around playing and getting filthy with the other kids. They were so enjoyable , cooperative, went to bed perfectly and just plain fun to hang out with. It was worth it to go on a little camp out to leave the hectic life behind and really just hang out as a family. Silas was good at staying within viewing distance too and we had no Silas searches or scares the rest of the weekend.

It was a really good distraction from my sad week last week. I needed something to keep me busy, distracted and to have a little fun too. Its been a week since I we last saw Peanut and I still miss him. I am feeling better than last week though...the constant ache is gone for the most part and I am enjoying sleeping through the night again.
On Friday God brought across my path a wonderful woman who has been foster parenting for years. She has several grown adopted children and has 4 gorgeous little foster girls at the moment. I don't know how many children in the world have a piece of her heart but I know there are a lot. We spent a good deal of time chatting and I now have her phone number. There are so many issues and things that have come with foster parenting that need the support and mentoring of another foster mom. So many things that just wouldn't make sense to anyone else. It was such a blessing to me. She told me every child she has ever had has taken a chunk of her heart with them. She said that her heart brakes over each one that leaves her home. ...even only after a few days sometimes. It was great to talk to her about how I've felt about my last two babies. We discussed how we love "our" kids even knowing that it will tear our hearts out when they leave. It helped to feel "normal"...and encouraged despite my sadness at letting Peanut go. I realize its a good thing to love them like my own for as long as I have them. That little piece of love will always be a part of their story.

I came away from this weekend feeling so blessed and reassured that God is intimately involved in the innermost details of my life. He knows just what I need and when I need it...sometimes before I even am aware of my own need for something.