A Journal of Infant Loss - Part 2

April 11, 2000

I'm feeling Samuel move with more strength everyday. Sometimes he makes my whole stomach move. I'm not feeling very well today. I'm coming down with a cold or something. It's such a sunny day that I should go out walking or something but all I feel like doing is taking a nap. I wonder how big you are right now? It would be cool to know how much you weighed.

April 16, 2000

I was reading "I'll hold you in Heaven" and it explained a lot of things like when life begins and a baby's eternal existence. Every baby conceived is a spiritual being at conception even if it doesn't have a life span outside the womb.  God knows the days of our lives and nothing comes as a surprise to him. My son may not know a normal life span, as we know it, but he still is a human being conceived in my body that will live eternally.  We don't get a chance to know him now but someday we will see all that he was created to be. After reading that book I have a deeper respect for the life inside me. He's not just some unfortunate freak of nature, he's a soul that I have the privilege and duty to care for. Its not a waste of time because he's not just a group of defective cells waiting to become nothing.

May 5, 2000
Friday I will be 30 weeks. I remember when that number seemed so far away. I've been feeling very pregnant lately. My doc. appointment last week measured my uterus at 31cm. I've been getting a lot of contractions the last few weeks and I've been very tired. My appetite has reduced dramatically.  That will help with the weight gain. I am now at 147.5 lbs.  I'm starting to wonder if the extra amniotic fluid situation is going to start. I felt so awful yesterday that I dreaded the thought of being pregnant for 2 more months.  Nathanael knew enough to let me whine and not try to be optimistic about it all.  I wonder if it's more fun being pregnant when you are busy planning for a baby and preparing a nursery. Maybe that distracts people from the physical discomfort. It's not much fun otherwise. Today I'm feeling better, I have more energy and I'm not as sore and achey. I do enjoy feeling Samuel move all the time now. In fact, he's thumping around in there right now. I wonder how I'll feel the next time I'm pregnant. It's really hard not to wish it were over with but I know I'll miss him so bad when I'm not pregnant anymore and I may even miss being pregnant. My reason to keep waiting, other than nature, is that the older he is the more chance he'll be born alive and by a miracle of God maybe even stick around a little while. For the chance at that I'd gladly suffer through a couple more months.

May 9, 2000
I'm so angry right now. I was just watching a bit of a talk show on TV. It was about young teenage girls trying to figure out who the father of their baby is. Some had more than 3 to choose from! None of them, including the mother, wanted the child. One mother has about as much maternal instinct for her 9 month old baby as a piece of wood. She was trying to find the father so she could give her daughter away to him.  Children should be our number one priority if we choose to have them.  It angers me so much that people are given the gift of a baby and have no concept of how valuable they are. Why does a slutty 14 year old have a healthy baby when she admits on television that she wishes she'd had an abortion? Why do people get babies who have so much more important things in their life like careers, new houses, expensive cars etc. and have an hour in the evening to parent? I know it's wrong to try to question the fairness of life but I can't help but feel hurt and angry. People can make babies who don't even want them, will hurt them, neglect them and be terrible parents. I can't even keep my own son that I love and want so badly it hurts. This world is so screwed up. I don't want to accept this. I don't feel like being strong right now. I usually try to remember God is in control and will get us through this etc. but right now I'm mad with grief. I want to scream and fight and ask God "WHY?!" I feel like I'm filled with such a strong rage that is just now showing it's ugly face.

May 19, 2000

Last weekend was Mothers Day, we went hiking at Twin Falls.  We had a good day and surprisingly I wasn't sad about it being Mothers Day. I am now 32 weeks. I've been having a lot of pain in my lower back and back in general. Still have a lot of contractions.

I love watching you move and feeling my whole belly quake when you move. I sometimes sit and watch my stomach as it rises and falls and changes shapes as you change positions. You are getting up into my ribs now which can be uncomfortable especially when it's combined with a contraction.

Mom and Dad might come down when I go into labor. If you can hold off a while and stay put until seeding is over. They will likely miss the delivery and Samuels short life but I'm glad they're coming. I still pray he'll be alive longer than we expected and maybe they'll get to see him while he's living.

{resting after a Mothers Day hike}

May 24, 2000

I'm 33 weeks on Friday. I'm having terrible contractions and backpain. I'm starting to convince myself that I'm in "pre-labor" or something. I called mom for advice and motherly comfort. She said I need to start writing down the contractions and keep track.

May 25, 2000

Went to work for an hour but left to to go see the midwife. I'm having contractions, one on top of the other and I'm dilated to 1cm.  I called Nathanael. We spent the afternoon waiting and trying to stay distracted and calm. We went in to the hospital at about 9 pm.

To be continued.....

Find Part 1 of the story here 

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