The Insecure Son

         Holding onto a Strawberry Shortcake book, little sister crawls up on Mama's lap and snuggles in close.  Across the room Elijah notices.  A look of betrayal, fear and horror crosses his face and he fights the urge to cry.

Holding back his tears, he rushes to mommy's side.  He insists that little sister only get one book.  Just one.  No more.

Mama invites him to sit up on her lap too, but that would be giving up half of what rightfully belongs to him.  No.  He will wait.   He tries his best to wait patiently for the book to end.
He fidgets.  He moans.  He sighs.
He slumps face first on the floor.
He starts to whine,
 then rant,
 then full on rage.

Like a jilted lover, his jealousy comes from a deep desire to love and be loved...and it is fueled by fear of losing what he had. Fear of losing his position as beloved son.

 It's just too much for his little scarred heart to bear.
Desperate, he begins to grab, pull, claw, flop and wail.
What began as a spark of envy, fans into a full on epic life or death battle.

A similar episode can be sparked by a simple hug, a kiss, or  Mommy helping little sister put on her pajamas.  Sometimes he has the fortitude to contain the misery, sometimes it all comes rushing out.  If Mama kisses little sister, she'd better give Elijah one too.  If little sister gets a kind word, she'd better reassure Elijah too.  He's keeping track.

When Mama finishes the second book (after offering to share her lap many times) she speaks firmly to her son letting him know that he needs to stop this behavior if he wants to have a story too. She reminds him how much he is loved...even while he continues to rage.

 Minutes later he is snuggled in on Mommy's lap weeping his remorseful "sorry Mama"  "Sorry chair"  "Sorry Cece"  Sorry book".

He is sorry.  So terribly, horribly guilt ridden. Immobilized with shame, and  fear that he will be found out, that others will know.  They will know the beast of insecurity that he keeps hidden inside.  He is terrified he has crossed the line and hit a point of no return.

For the next few hours his guilt and fear will motivate him to perform.  He will show off every skill he has mastered.  He counts to 10.  He cleans up.  He scrubs the floor with a rag he happens to find..then the wall.  He works to prove that he is worthy to be loved.  He works to earn what he fears he may have lost.  He reminds me of all the wonderful things he has done, and is doing, while at the same time pointing out the fact that little sister isn't keeping up.
He is pleased with himself, but still afraid.

This is a cycle repeated over and over and over by a little boy who is filled with fear.  We assure him of our unconditional, forever, love at regular intervals every single day...but he doesn't yet "get it".  Our love is still something he has to fret over, fight for, and earn.

As I watch my son go through this cycle of insecurity, it strikes me as a greater spiritual truth.

So why are so many Christians's lives stuck in this same pattern?
Do we resemble children who are secure, confident, and resting peacefully in the Father's love, or are we always watching for ways that others might threaten our position in the family?

Church, do you see it?

When someone succeeds, is thriving, or receives a gift that you desire (or that is different from yours) does it positively eat you up inside?  Do you feel it somehow takes away from you?  Do you make yourself feel better by undermining it, making excuses, or sabotaging someone else?

Do you carry a smug "sour grapes" attitude?   "I didn't want to read that book anyway..." "I bet it's a sucky book"

How about offense?  Do you feel that gut rotting, seething sense of being offended every time someone doesn't personally acknowledge or validate you?

Fear breeds loathing and envy.
Insecurity produces Christians who compete with each other and cut each other down, instead of cheer each other on toward holiness.

Security is born out of assurance.

Religion leads to either pride or despair...or cycles of both.
Religion tells us that we need to...
work for validation.
strive for acceptance.
prove we are worthy to be loved.
Free grace, a one way love poured out on sinners, is just too risky.  Too scary.  We would rather earn God's pleasure by putting our fear to work.  We want something we can calculate, control, and keep track of, like a resume of good deeds that we hope will tip the balance, and move the scales to our favor.


When Elijah goes into "look how good I am" mode it doesn't make me think
"wow look at all he can do.  I'm sure glad I have him on my team!".
It makes me sad.
It breaks my heart because I know he doesn't get it yet.
He is not yet secure in this, one way, unconditional love that brought him into our family.  I shower him with reassurance, encourage him, remind him how much he's loved and adored, and prove it daily by my care of him....but sometimes he's so busy trying to earn it himself, that he just doesn't hear.  

Little by little he is making strides.  Month after month he is showing more signs of peace, confidence, and assurance.

Here's the thing:  God changes, encourages, and motivates us not by fear of losing our sonship, but by the security of His love.  

This is one of the things that makes the *gospel* different and distinct from all religions. We are not driven into action by a fear based system of rules and requirements that will earn our way to God.


Until you know you are His, and He is yours,
your obedience will be limited,
your confidence will be shaky,
your love will be carefully calculated,
and your courage will be minimal.

That is not what we want out of our relationships with our children, so why would God desire that from us?  Do we desire that our kids obey merely because they think we'll kick them to the curb if they don't?  No, our desire is that they respond to our authority out of a sense of trust, and love for us....a love that develops by realizing how much they have been loved first,


Religion can command us to change behavior but it cannot change our hearts.  It can tell us what is right, but it will never make us love what us right.  Only the *gospel, and the complete assurance it yields, and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, create a passion for holiness in our hearts, because the very nature of our hearts is changed.

My children need a Savior just like I do.  My highest desire is that they would understand that.  I want them to recognize the Lordship of Jesus and believe he did what he said he did, and is who he says he is.
A saving faith looks OUTSIDE of itself to what Jesus has already done, not back onto itself on what it has done.  Faith can't rest securely in itself.
 It is not the strength of our faith, the sincerity of our beliefs, the flawless performance of our Christian life, or the list of deeds we have accomplished, that is the firm rock that we can plant our assurance on.   It is always, only, the object of our faith that can save.  Jesus.  The one who pursued and loved us first. 

That assurance creates not only a deep and lasting peace...
but also strength.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

Church,  are we the peaceful, secure, "attached" sons who respond and work out of confident trust that we are already loved, and have been shown grace we couldn't earn?

 Or are we the coveting, defensive, fear motivated, sons who are constantly clinging to control, and trying to prove to ourselves, to others, and to God that we are worth loving? (or at least more "worthy" that that guy who's struggling to keep it together, or the lady who's a hot mess over there)

Watching this scenario play out over and over again in my home has made me ponder topics like this with a new set of eyes.

So many times I see my son battling his own insecurities, and lack of belief in what he already owns...

and I see myself.

*When I use the term gospel I mean the historic Gospel of Jesus Christ crucified and resurrected.   The word Gospel means "good news". "The Gospel" is more than a collection of facts to be believed, it is the good and true story that Jesus died and rose to defeat sin, death and evil in order to make all things new.  While we were still enemies of God, sinners by nature and choice, rebels bent on rejecting him and seeking our own way, God, being rich in mercy, sent is only son Jesus into the world to live the life we could not live and die the death we deserved to die.  As followers of Jesus we have come to realize that we are far more broken than we really comprehend, but in Christ we are more accepted than we could ever imagine.  That is good news indeed. 






Soli Deo Gloria,

Strength in Weakness

I'm experimenting a bit with my writing, and trying my hand at this blogs first "series".... which sounds better than "cluster of posts that are vaguely connected in theme".
At least "series" is shorter to write.

My previous post was titled "Raise strong kids in a world that plays it safe".   The tricky part is how we define "strong".   I know I'm not feeling particularly strong right now sitting in a recliner with my broken leg up in a cast, and my house crumbing into messy chaos around me.  I'm learning to rest....only because I have no choice in the matter. God has a funny way of knowing where I need to have some sanctifying work done.

As I continue with the theme of "strength", especially as it pertains to parenting,  I have to take a look at what kind of strength we want our kids to have.

That made me really wonder, and caused me to investigate the concept of strength.  What can make a young person go to the ends of the earth proclaiming a message that could get them killed? What sort of strength causes a person to adopt 9 special needs orphans?  What sort of strength is needed for just the daily grind of a faith filled life?  What can we instill in our kids now that will serve them well later?

After running endless points, and examples, through my mind I realized I needed to just start at the very beginning.

1.  Strength in Weakness   (1 Cor. 12:9)

It may sound absurd or backwards but the starting place for "standing strong", is to know that we are weak.  Bear with me.   Like the song I hear sung in my house on a daily basis "Jesus loves me"  states, in it's simple truth,  "they are weak but he is strong".

We have a whole world telling us how wonderful, strong, and good we are.  We have more than enough people telling us that with God on our team we can soar to new heights, be all that we can be, and get all that we can get.  The problem is that Jesus merely becomes another tool in our tool box of self interest, and self improvement.  So I'm not going to tell you that.
Sorry.
That's what we have Oprah for.


The number one thing our kids need to embrace a risk taking strong faith, that will persevere, is to understand their own weakness.  {Jer 17:5-10}  {Romans 3:10}

I'm sorry if that just burst a carefully constructed little self esteem bubble. Don't come after me with pitch forks, and don't fret, it turns out we don't actually need it anyway.

Don't confuse weakness with lack of value, that's not at all what I'm referring to.

In 2 Cor. 6:3, 2 Cor 11:23, and 2 Cor. 11:30  Paul doesn't make much of his long list of credentials and impressive resume because he knows that his strength is not found in his accomplishments or what he has to offer God.

When we come to Jesus with our hands already full, assured of our own righteous worthiness, we are not in a position to receive grace, and marvel at his strength for us.  Fortunately for Paul, Jesus pursued him and loved him enough to show him exactly how weak he was.  As he sat stunned and blinded on a dusty road, I'm sure his impressive ministry credentials didn't mean much.  In recognizing his own blindness, he was given sight.  Strength in weakness.

As a parent, prone to weakness, this is incredibly good news.

Reading about Pauls difficulties makes me wonder what we would say to another mom who was experiencing that degree of trial, trauma and stress with her children? Would we softly, but condescendingly, tell her she needs to get her act together?  Would we assure her that God wants her to overcome every single weakness, so that her life will be easier and her kids will all fall in line?  Would we declare her victory, as if by sheer force of positive thinking we can change her circumstances?

Paul was weak and subject to trials just like us.  The difference is we do our best, as parents, to hide our weaknesses, and we encourage our children to do the same.  In a society that worships success, achievements, and excellence....we assume that the only thing that can possibly glorify God is Teflon coated, squeaky clean, seamless parenting that produces immaculately behaved, well dressed, honor student, children.   In that atmosphere there is little room for admitting defeat, asking for help, or sharing our struggles.  Basically there is little tolerance for being real.

It seems we have made God too small, and ourselves too big.

The weakness, the failures, and the sins in our family are where we learn that we need grace too.   If we dont' realize that ourselves, we can't teach it to our children.  It is in the mercy of affliction that God teaches us to rely completely on Him.   God's sustaining strength is seen and developed in our weakness, and failures.

Letting go of our pride is a freeing thing.

Whether it feels good at the time or not, it truly is a mercy for God to demolish our confidence on our own sufficiency, and strength...or as the case may be, our own preferred parenting method.

It is only when we arrive at that dreaded place of weakness that we realize the surpassing power of Christ.  ( The great thing about parenting is it provides daily proof of my own weakness, and plenty of pride crushing scenarios.  You parents know what I'm talking about....think a busy Walmart during toddler nap time, with 5 kids. ) 


 This knowledge changes how we view and deal with the inevitable humiliating moments of motherhood, or rebellion, or struggles we have with our children.  They become a chance to lean in that much harder and see God at work.  There is value in being dependent, in being brought low.


  "for when I am weak, then I am strong"


The good news of the gospel, and the work of the Holy Spirit produces a truly humble submissiveness of heart.

That, my fellow parent warriors, is the repentant, desperate, heart that takes hold of the gospel, clings to it, and is regenerated and renewed by God's amazing grace.

That is the place to begin.
Our ultimate strength begins with truly understanding our own frailty, and being able to rest in the sufficiency and strength of the One who stands for us.


Until next time,
Carry on, even in your weakness, brave warrior parents.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. There fore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me, That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults , in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  {2 Cor. 12:8-10)

Soli Deo Gloria,

Raise Strong Kids in a World that Plays it Safe.

Hello friends,  I want to take a few posts to discuss some priorities for Christian parents, for my own reminder and benefit as much as anyone else's.   Keep in mind that I'm also teaching this to myself as we go along.

This summer I was asked to teach a session at a Family Bible Camp with the topic of "Parenting kids who stand strong".   The overall  theme of the entire week was "Kingdom Rock" which also happened to be the kids VBS theme of choice in churches all around Christendom, complete with draw bridges, and styro-foam castle bricks, and flowing banners.  I figured the two themes would tie in fairly well together...minus the moat, and the strange medieval costumes.

I panicked slightly, because really...who am I to teach anything, especially being that my kids are still young.  They have not yet entered the fiery trials of adult life. We are still just planting seeds, nurturing small seedlings, and praying for roots to grow....the coming crop remains to be seen.

 Despite my hesitation I decided to do some reading, and studying.   The statistics I found were alarming regarding the droves of young adults who "leave the church" once they leave home.  It made me wonder how many were really part of the Church to begin with, and how many were just along for the ride.  Regardless, it is extremely sobering as a parent.  We cannot, as parents, continue on with status quo.  We no longer live in a "christian culture", actually we no longer even live in a Christian tolerant culture.  The battle for our kids remains the same, however the battle field has changed completely.  As parents we must take on a wartime sense of priorities, urgency, alertness, and focus. This is not a time to kick off those marching boots, in exchange for flip flops.  Church, this isn't a time for sullen retreat, it's a time for humble repentance, genuine regeneration, and bold resurgence.


Our goal as Christian parents should be to raise up strong faith filled adults, not ill-equipped, fragile or fearful ones.  Of course our attempt to do that will be imperfect, and most certainly done in weakness, but we trust that the Lord's strength will be magnified even in that.

In this series, I'm going to start with a list.  Because, well, who doesn't love a good list?  These are some tips I came up with while I studied.  In later posts I'll dig a little deeper into a few of the points.  Basically the big idea is we have to lead the way ourselves.  Please don't think for a second that I have these pegged as a parent.

This post is simply meant to encourage you, to help you set your eyes above the relentless noise, the dirty diapers, and the overwhelming chaos of parenthood, and onto a higher prize.  Eyes on the Prize.

Raise strong kids in a world that plays it safe:

 1.  Don’t hobble your children’s faith by giving them every worldly  “advantage”.  Our children should not grow up in a happy little sparkly bubble, where they perceive that the world revolves around them. Let your children struggle; allow them to experience challenges, natural consequences, and heart breaks all under an umbrella of loving guidance, invested involvement, and wise supervision. Don’t hide the reality of a broken world from them.  Don't let them grow up believing that the world, or God, owes them anything.  That undermines both the harsh reality of the world, and the undeserved grace of God. {1 Peter 1:6-7}

2.   Teach your children from a young age, by example, to love and serve others out of an overflow of how Jesus has served and loved them.  We cannot entertain our children enough, guilt our children enough, or coerce our children enough to “keep them in church” once they become young adults.   They must know what it is to actively BE the church long before they leave home.  
{2 Cor. 5:14-15}

 3.  Encourage them to step out of their comfort zone, by stepping out of yours.  By allowing them to see you step out in faith in a way that relies entirely on God's provision and mercy, they are witnesses to how good and faithful our God is.   If you haven’t gone there yourself but rather keep everything in your life carefully calculated,  what you tell your children about trusting God will be mere words.  If you call yourself Christian but live like an atheist when it comes to your priorities and perspective, that will not be a contagious faith.  Don’t settle for being a “Sunday Christian”.  Jesus isn't a good luck charm we stuff into the pocket of our Sunday suit.  Our kids are great at sniffing out hypocrisy and they will know what our treasure is.  Let them see without a doubt by your priorities, actions, and words, that your treasure is Jesus. {Rev. 3:14-18}

4.  Dig deep into the Gospel with your children.  The gospel (good news) is not merely a “Salvation message” for unbelievers…it is THE message for believers as well.  We never, ever, ever, get past our need for the roots of the gospel of God’s saving grace, our redemption, and the atoning work of the cross to be driven deeper and deeper into our hearts.  Ever. We need to be reminded regularly where our only hope is found, where our real strength comes from, and what our identity is.  The saving work of Jesus isn't merely the admission gate to get in, it is the entire pool.  Jump in.  Be changed by the Holy Spirit renewing your mind and transforming your heart.   Jesus didn't come to give us an upgraded image of God, to be your hobby,  a good teacher,  your personal fire insurance plan, merely a moral example, or a snazzy knick knack on your shelf…he came on a  rescue mission.  Jesus didn't come to make good little boys and girls better, he came to make dead people alive.  {Col. 1:3-14} {Titus 2:11-15}

5.  Give generously, and let your children join in.   The finished work of Christ on the cross, and the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit in us empowers us to live in  radical generosity.  We serve a wealthy King who became poor for us, so that by His poverty we might become rich.  As we bask in Christ’s sacrificial gift for us, we find ourselves transformed into his image and freed to be radically generous.  When we believe and understand that all we have is Gods, when we know that our ultimate treasure is Jesus, we can joyfully live with open hands and outstretched arms, asking Him how we should steward His money.   We give generously because we have received generously.  To give generously first we must also have the humility to receive generously.  {2 Cor. 8:2-4} {2 Cor. 9:11-13}


 6.  Let your children see you repent.   The Christian life begins with repentance and continues in that direction.   Genuine repentance (turning from sin) and belief are the only appropriate posture toward the Lordship of Christ.  Because we know we are saved by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone, we don’t have to hold onto our pride, control, insecurities, and flawless reputation….even in front of our kids.  They already know you’re a sinner, your not fooling anyone, so let them see you marvel in God’s grace.  {Mark 6:12, Isaiah 30:15, Luke 3:8, Rev. 3:1-3, Rev. 3:19}

7. Remember it is Jesus who saves our children.  It is the Holy Spirit who draws them to Christ, but we should not neglect our God given post as shepherds over our little flocks.  God’s sovereignty does not our negate human responsibility and obedience.   We are commanded to make disciples and that begins in our homes.  We are intended to be the primary influence in our children’s lives.  Keep dazzling them with the love of Jesus, keep pointing them toward a faithful God, teach them diligently, let your home be grace saturated, and lovingly lead them to the cross…and then show them, by example, how to pick up their own and follow him.   {Deut. 4:9, John 16:7-11}

 8. Let your heart be changed by the renewing of your mind. {Roman’s 2:12} {Ephesians 3: 1-6}  You can’t give to your children knowledge that you do not have.  Study the Bible, seek the authors intended meaning in the text, pray for answers while digging deep.   Theology is simply seeking to know God for who he has revealed himself to be.  When studying Gods Word, the role of the Holy Spirit is to soften our hearts to receive truth revealed in the text.  God is not honored by unfeeling, joyless intellectualism, or by unthinking, uncritical emotionalism.  Both are needed- minds that are gripped with knowledge and truth, and hearts on fire with intense love for Him and his glory  {1 Cor. 2:14, Romans 5:14, 2 Tim. 3:15-17}}

9. Rest in God’s sovereignty and grace.   As a parent that is the most freeing truth, as well as slightly terrifying.  We prefer methods, rules, and fail proof cause and effect promises, but there are no biblical promises that "good parenting" in guarantees righteous children out.  God never encourages self-reliance because that would be trusting in something other than Christ and his grace and mercy.  The way of the Lord is always by faith, faith in his goodness, mercy, and love.  Our faith is in him, not our perfect parenting.  (Thank God for that!) Rest in the knowledge that God can do the impossible in our children’s lives, no child (or adult child) is beyond his reach.   {Romans 9:14-20, Matthew 10:29-31}

10. Pray with, over and for your children.  Let them see that they can talk with you just as you talk to our loving Heavenly Father.  Let them see you bring things to the Lord, so they can also experience the joy at seeing how the Lord provides for you and them.

Until next time,
go forth mighty, shaking- in-your-boots, parent warriors.  Onward!

Soli Deo Gloria,