Manic Tuesday

I'm sitting at an Coffee shop with my friend Amber this evening.   We're sitting with our computers in front of us, sipping Chai Tea, chatting about our kids, and complaining about the slow internet.  

  Our days here go by quickly but we aren't living a hectic pace.  I'm finding that a break from our "normal" life is refreshing, a different pace, different scenery, and a comforting rhythm of a simplified life.   

 Nathanael is finding little projects to do and helping out some friends with odd jobs....the kids and I are just hanging out.   We're just enjoying being here.  We go for walks, hang laundry, wash dishes, visit with friends, make tacos, eat chili candies, and read books.  I love to sit in the sunshine and read...it's something I just don't do at home.  Even when we have heat and sunshine in Saskatchewan we also have horrid mosquito that drive us back indoors.  

Nathanael and I were  talking today about how many things have changed over the years.  One thing that has changed is that we're really not interested in working for the sake of looking busy, gloating about accomplishments, impressing others in ministry, or doing useless tasks.  I don't know how many people I've seen on "mission trips" literally moving stacks of rocks from one pile to another or digging holes only to fill them up again the next year.  Work for the sake of work.  "Go to Mexico, work hard, don't ask questions, and leave feeling like you accomplished something"....even if the building you built never gets used and wasn't needed in the first place. 

We're here to experience life, to enjoy relationships, to encourage friends, to work when there is work to do, and to relax when there isn't...and not feel like we have to prove ourselves to anybody.  It's very freeing.  Maybe next time we'll come with a specific project funded and planned then work our tails off to get it done...but not this time.  We didn't even know we were coming until the week before we left.   This trip is more like a vacation with some adventure, work, and character building purpose mixed in.  We have ideas and visions for possible future endeavors and projects here...but it's all in the Lord's timing.  We don't know from what year (or rather day) to the next what the future holds for us in Mexico.  Only a couple years ago we were convinced we'd be living here full time by now.  God had totally different plans for us.  Better plans.

Today my two youngest kids and I walked down to the orphanage down the street (the one we used to work for).  It has the closest play ground and we enjoy seeing some familiar faces.   We happened to be at the little play ground at the same time that the kids from the "Day home for kids with disabilities" were out on recess playing there too.  How they've all grown since I used to spend time with them!  So many new kids.  I loved watching them...and my heart squeezed a bit missing being a part of that particular ministry.  

While we played at the play ground, Roman was helping Nathanael do some cement work for another nearby mininstry and  Aili was "helping" my friend Amber.  As we were trudging our dusty selves back home to make lunch, my hero Hubster pulled up next to us in the van and said we were going for fish tacos at our favorite little fish taco stand.  They were GOOD!  A beautiful sunny day and fish tacos in Mexico....what could be better?

Then, because it's Tuesday market day, we headed to "Globos" the weekly outdoor market that sets up through several blocks of the town.  We browsed the stands, took in the familiar sights of this completely different world, and bought 4 bags full of fresh cheap produce. 

Tomorrow, the guys (mine and a few others)  are driving up to Ensenada early tomorrow morning for the beginning for the Baja 1000 races.   I suggested that we pick up Alvaro tonight and he could spend the night and spend the day with them in Ensenada.   It seemed like we had it all figured out, even though it was totally last minute. I imagined a day filled with fun and memories (and even bragging rights) for our boy.  I had a bed made for him, and clean new clothes pulled out for him to wear on this outing.  I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when it didn't work out quite like I'd planned ...when "tio" went to pick him up after dark he wasn't home.    

Just his 9 yr old sister and his mom's come-and-go dead beat boyfriend were home.   "Tio" was not very impressed to see him back around and to witness the alcohol fueled sheepishness played out before him.  By "not too impressed"  I mean fuming -ready to put together a posse- and have a little "man up or move out" chat. 

I'm disappointed on a lot of levels right now.  Frustrated but not surprised.  I'm trying not to think too much about it all, or assume too much. 

  I can make plans like taking an "at risk" adolescent boy (who doesn't have a Dad, who has born the weight of responsibility for his family for a long time, and who so desperately needs some positive role model time) to the coolest "guy time" thing around...the Baja 1000..  And instead I'm reminded that I can't "fix" any of this.  The bubble was burst. 

So much about loving people here is totally manic.  Exhilarating one day...and then crushingly defeating the next.

I can't make better decisions for them.   I can't make the kids understand that they need to stay in school. I can't convince parents to actually parent.   I can't erase a sub culture that sees little value in an education, or doesn't have the luxury of looking past the needs of each day.  I can't keep little girls safe from drunk men who sleep over.  I can't tell these little boys that the examples of men they are seeing aren't really men at all.   I can't make men provide for their children, or honor their women as more than just a booty call with no responsibility attached.  I can't give sacrificially without it eventually being exploited and taken advantage of.  I can't tell the women that they should expect better.  I can't ensure these kids I love won't be hungry, or scared, or hurt.   I can't mend broken families, bruised bodies,  wrecked hearts, and wounded souls...  

.....but Oh how I wish I could.

 I can't change these things for them, and it almost seems just plain hopeless.  I can't go load up 7 kids and escape to a nicer reality never to return to the despair    I can't scrub them down and pick the lice out of their hair, and tuck them into bed with warm clean pajamas and good night kisses with promises of better days in their dreams.  

As I am reminded again  how sin twisted,  and pain riddled this messy world is I am also reminded that this is not mine to fix.  I am not it's savior.  I am put right back in my place.  That doesn't mean that I don't enter in and powerfully contend with these strongholds. We've been told to love in the midst of it.   What that looks like exactly, I'm not really sure.    I seem to have more doubts and questions than answers at the moment.   What these tiny humble little seeds will grow into, what the ripple effects will be,  is completely out of our hands.... but entirely in the hands of our good and mighty God who entered into the filth of humanity to contend with our own self destruction. 

  I can rest in that...and continue on being faithful in the little...while he worries about the big.  After all he knows the end from the beginning...I don't even know what I'll make for supper. 

{walking down town to get some groceries}

{The big fancy new grocery store in town.  It even has a paved parking lot!}

{stopping at a park for some juice during our long walk home from the Calimax}

{almost home}

Once again, this has been a long rambling post.  Thanks for stopping in....and congratulations on making it to the end.  

My heart is happy

Finally, after missing these kids, worrying about them, praying for them, and hoping we'd see them again this year I'm filled to the brim with warm fuzzies.   My heart is so full that it might explode, and this could get messy.  

We told them a few days ahead of time that we'd pick them up on Sunday and when "Tio" arrived they were all scrubbed, washed, and dressed in their finest clothes ready for the big event.   It's funny how just coming over for a play day is such an event.  Even their mom was bustling around making helping them get ready.   They were all so excited to come!

We had a perfect day.

For some reason we had made it into a bigger deal in our minds than we should have.   We wondered if we should bring them into our house or just take them out somewhere.   Both would be fun but our motive wasn't so much "fun" as it was based on fears and doubts about dirt, parasites, and illness.  We contemplated our water supply (town water only runs for an hour or so every few days), we contemplated fleas, lice, dirty hands, laundry, and all the unknown micro-visitors that would hitch along.  I let it paralyze me a bit and I let it tempt me to put up walls of self protection and keep these beautiful little "messy" lives at arms length.   

At arms length where we could give them stuff,  take them some icecream, pass them a blanket and wish them God's blessings.   None of those things are all bad...in fact they have their place and we do those things too...but God is calling us to more.

He's asking me to love them.  

For us loving them means travelling across borders and cultures and entering into their "mess".   It's asking me to get my hands and floors dirty.  It means inviting them into be a part of our lives...to be a part of our family.  As I was contemplating how I could successfully love them from a safe distance I was brought to me knees again with the reality of God's love for me in my own wretchedness.  He left the comforts of home, he pursued intentional relationship, he crossed borders and cultures, he entered into our mess, he took up our burdens on his own shoulders, he bore our pain in his own body, he touched our disease at the cost of his own life.  How can I receive all that and yet love someone else at a self preserving arms length?  

So after some repentance and allowing the gospel to right my thinking....

we opened ourselves to an amazing day filled with little blessings. 

We had so much fun with them.   I really couldn't get enough hugs and snuggles from these kids.  I love them so much it hurts already to think we'll say goodbye again in a couple weeks. 

It was fun to just give them a chance to be kids, let them play and forget the weight of responsibility they carry.  Let them relax and not have to worry where their next meal will come from. 

We ate lunch out on the patio, then spent a few hours just playing, and then we broke out our travel DVD (dual screen) players and watched Despicable Me.  I've never seen kids giggle and laugh so hard at a movie.  Carmela could hardly catch her breath she was laughing so hard.   

{This picture is totally random but these two are such loveys.  It's been cold here at night and in the morning they snuggle up under blankets while waiting for their oatmeal to cook.  It's so much warmer here than in Canada in November but at home our house stays a nice 20 degrees Celcius.  Our house here fluctuates between about room temperature down to 10 degrees C at night}

This marble run thing was a big hit.  

Tio taking the kids pictures and using an App to give them mustaches.  It got some good giggles. 

Baby Carla stayed home with mom but next in line Gabriella was now old enough for a play day at Tio and Tia's.  She konked out part way through though.   She's curled up on the couch with some of the blankets we sent home with them.  Thank you to the quilting ladies at my mom's church for sending them with us.  

Alvaro is looking so grown up this year.   He has a little mustache started and his voice cracks.  Everytime we come I wonder if this will be the year he'll be getting into trouble, or too cool to come and hang out, or out running in the gangs (which is the pattern).  I was encouraged to find out he's still in school (6th grade...not bad for starting school three years ago!), and he is still such a nice boy.  

It's amazing how a bucket of Little People and some modelling clay can keep everyone happy for hours.  Alvaro was really into building with the marble thing....so focused.  I told him he'd better stay in school so he can be an engineer some day.  

The little mama Carmela still isn't in school :(  I think she had been for a while but she's back to being the childcare at home while big sister and Mama work int he fields.   She is such a bright (and crazy responsible) little girl...it breaks my heart that she isn't able to have an education.  Maybe someday.  I'll be praying that eventually she'll be relieved of her babysitting duties long enough to learn to read.  

Gabrialla was so surprisingly easy and comfortable at our house.  Last year she was terrified of the strange big white people that kept showing up at her house but this year she was excited to come along.  

We finished our perfect day with Tacos Carne Asada.   Super yummy.  We filled everyone up (those kids can EAT!), bought soda, and sent three tacos home for  their mom...for about $26.   It was fun being one big family for a day.  Sigh.  My affections for them have been re-ignited for sure.  I can't wait to have them over again.  

Soli Deo Gloria,

First week in Mexico

I really thought I'd keep up with my blog better while we're down here.  Without internet in our house I'm not very good at taking the time it takes to upload pics, and write post.  It's also nice to live unplugged for a while.  Although I really hate to see our time here slipping by without having it documented for posterity sake.   I love looking back at past trips.  

So here is a quick run down.  

Last Sunday morning we crossed the U.S/ Mex. border and drove on the fancy new divided highway down through Ensenada.   After that the highway went back to single lane but much of it has been widened, making it quite a bit safer down through the mountains.  With a cliff on one side and the wall of a mountain on the other it's really nice to have a lane a bit wider than our van.  

We arrived at our familiar little town a little past noon, drove down the same dusty street that I first rode down 12 years ago and arrived at the same little house we rented last year.  

Every time something changes, every trip is different, but some things don’t change.   The sun is still shining, and the red dust still clings to our shoes.  Roosters are crowing and dogs are barking.  A mournful love song accompanied by a tuba comes from an unknown radio.  A car passes advertising something blasted from a loud speaker mounted to it’s roof.   In the air lingers the familiar, not unpleasant, scents that tells us we’re back in our other home.   My fruit bowl is now full if avocados, key limes, and tomatoes.  On my kitchen counter is a stack of fresh tortillas bought at the little store on the corner.    The kids suck on their chili and tamarind candies, and I hang laundry.   We smile at familiar faces and hug old friends.  It’s good to be here.  So much stays the same and yet so much has changed since we first started coming here.

  

We have a nice little fenced in yard which is great for keeping the roaming big nasty looking dogs away from playing kids.

We resumed our school work Monday morning...although we're not likely to look back on this month and say "wow, we sure accomplished a lot of book work".  Our goal is not to get too behind in our curriculum while we're gone...but we're here to experience and learn in other ways.  

We made it out to see our kids Monday evening.   It was only the youngest 5 at home.   Minerva and their mom were still out working in the fields and Alvaro was somewhere roaming around.  Apparently he's gone quite a bit, which makes me wonder what he's up to. 

It was so good to see them again.  It was also kind of sad, and a bit discouraging, and a big dose of reality.   They were all sick with nasty coughs, no longer in school, and fending for themselves all day. They did have food in their house though which was a good sign.  They now have two field workers in the family (Minerva works now) which is better for income...worse for education and a future.  

Sweet Louisa wasn't feeling well at all.  We visited later in the week and she seemed quite a bit better, back to her smiley self.  What hadn't changed was the same filthy clothes with pants nearly up to her knees.   It's seriously so hard to find the balance between  wanting to "mother" them and not wanting to step on any toes or wound any pride.   We're planning on  picking them up Sunday although we aren't yet sure if we'll bring them back to our house or out for tacos and some playing at a park somewhere.  We'll see what the weather does.  It's been cool, windy, and a bit damp the last couple days.   

Cece loved the baby. 

"hola mijo'

The pics are kind of in a strange order.   This is the inside of our casa.   It's fully furnished and was nice and ready for us.   Our friends even stalked it with some toys for the kids.  

I love these flowers.   

Well,  I really need to go back home and put Cece down for a nap...I'm kind of tempted to take on myself.   Morning comes super early here it seems....thanks to the  two hour time change and roosters.    It seems I have also caught the cold "our" kids have and it  has sapped what energy reserves I had left. I'll try not to let another week go by without some updates and pics.