Reno Recap

This is a home renovation post that I've been meaning to do for a long time. I've been thoroughly enjoying my upsized living space for the past year. 

When we bought our house 15 years ago in a rural Saskatchewan hamlet it seemed huge to us. We had been living in a very small house at the time and only had one child, with one on the way. I couldn't imagine how we would ever outgrow our "new" 3 bedroom home.  It was an old farm house that had been moved into town by a previous owner and we paid $24,500 for it. No joke. That's what houses in rural SK were worth back then. At the time we were so broke that it was a huge leap of faith for us.  One I'm VERY glad we made considering how the cost of housing unexpectedly increased. It needed some fixing up but it was very livable. The fixing up could come later. 

Turns out it came much later but little by little we've made improvements on the house. In the past few years we've made the most drastic improvements beginning with the kitchen in the winter of 2014.  The original was kind of a tragic mix of old home made farm kitchen (that made sawdust in all the drawers)  combined with cheap particle board add ons.  

My husband did a bang up job at a kitchen reno. Being married to a Journeyman cabinet maker finally paid off. 

It got much worse before it got better! 

Bottom cabinets and countertop coming together.  Old upper cupboards stay put but get new doors. 

The magic happening behind the scenes out in the garage.

Ta-da! 

Is may husband a rockstar or what? 

After the renovation (minus the backsplash which took a few years do to because of other pending renovations).  

Fast forward a year and we took an even deeper plunge into a major reno. The kind that requires taking on a whole new mortgage to complete.  

First we started with replacing all the main floor windows in the Spring of 2015. Many were original old wooden frames and some that had been replaced by previous owner had broken and weren't functional

This is how many of our windows looked during the winter.  They had to go. 

Once again it got worse before it got better. Much worse. For a very long time. 

Yes, there was a giant hole in my house. 

My husband also added insulation to everything.  Here he is pulling out the old original horse hair insulation.  I kid you not. 

Some of the old windows.

An unused entry way that was poorly built, uninsulated and very cold. 

It was the tiny room on the other side of these glass doors. 

That unused porch area was transformed into a toy closet and the outside door was removed. We have also added a new foundation to the room and insulated it properly 

We pulled off all the siding on the outside of the house and discovered a lot of mould damage. That validated our decision to take on some extra debt (and work) in order to fix this house up.  If we had ignored it for much longer it would have been an unfixable problem. 

After removing and patching up completely rotted wood in many places my husband added outside insulation to the entire house.  As it was, our home was only insulated with saw dust which made for a cold drafty house during Saskatchewan winters. 

The biggest part of the reno was the decision to add on to the existing house. 

The guys digging a trench so SaskEnergy could come and relocate the gas lines.  Don't be alarmed, they weren't digging where the gas lines were located they were digging where they would be moved.  SaskEnergy said it would cost us less if we did the grunt work. They painted a path on the grass and we got to work. 

Always time to play. 

The addition would be a new dining room on the main floor and a new basement bedroom (and a renovation of the existing basement bedroom)

It was a whole family project with my Dad helping as well as my nephew. 

Starting to take shape after harvest.  It was a race against the weather which was holding out beautifully. 

Roman was able to help with the entire project. He learned a lot. 

We also reroofed and resided the entire house that summer. 

Making Mom nervous. 

Everyone was looking forward to a bigger eating space.  The weird looking wall behind the kids was a makeshift, temporary wall to keep out some of the cold and draft since by then it was October. Behind that wall is the unfinished addition.  My hubby placed an old window in it so Annie and the other kids would watch the work being done on the other side. 

The snow came before we were finished the exterior but thankfully it melted and gave us a little more time before full on winter hit.

It was exciting to see it look like an actual part of our house. 

Our first look at our new room from the inside. 

Annie checking out the new basement room.  My brother in law came out to do all the HVAC work. 

By this time I was growing weary of parenting in a construction zone.  Toddlers and construction zones do not mix. 

We hired professionals to do the dry wall work so we could get it done properly and quickly.  

At this point in the renos I moved out with the kids until the drywall was done.  Between drywall dust everywhere, the noise of power tools, a dry wall crew walking around, the usual sorts of marital tensions brought on by extra logistical struggles and stress, and parenting exhaustion...I was very ready to be done with this whole ordeal. It had been an exhausting several months. Mostly for my husband. He had accomplished so much that year already considering spring, summer, and fall are also our busiest seasons on the farm. 

We were all rapidly reaching burn out levels. 

This machine chopped and blew the insulation through a hose with my husband held up in the attic. Once again Roman proved himself an asset. This boy can work! 

 We completed the indoor walls, insulation and paint just before Christmas 2015. We paused the renos, put away the tools and used the new room even though it didn't have flooring yet. We put a Christmas tree in the basement that year an decorations were minimal.  We clawed for some sort of household normalcy over Christmas.

The first time enjoying our new space.  Even though it was unfinished and our table was a sheet of MDF with a picnic table cloth on it.  It was so much fun to finally use the space we had been working so hard to create. 

Aili's huge, beautiful new bedroom in the basement.  I'm still at little jealous. 

Silas finally had a bedroom  (his own ) after a year of being a transient middle child and sleeping on a mat on the floor in whatever room he chose to toss it down.  Sometimes you do what you have to do in a big family.  Annie required her own bedroom for her first two years because she was such a horrible sleeper. 

If you look closely you'll see that Roman, who is sitting on the bed, is holding a newborn.  Right after Christmas, as we were in the throws of holiday chaos and entirely overwhelmed by life in general (renovations have a way of making you question all your life's choices) we got a phone call asking if we would take a baby boy. Annie's (20 months) biological half brother.  Considering we were only approved for one, and were no longer on the call list (and were "at capacity" officially and otherwise) it was quite a shock. The call came just as my husband was finishing up the paint and new flooring in the basement bedrooms. I actually walked into the basement, and interrupted his work, to tell him about the phone call.  We made new space and God filled it. 

Later in the winter, once we found our footing, we put down wood flooring.  By "we" I mean my husband and son Roman.  I moved to my parents house with the younger kids for a few days until it was done. 

The finished product is beautiful!  

I love it. It just turned out perfect for us. 

Especially considering most every decor choice revolved around price and practicality.

Every day I enjoy the simple loveliness of it. 

 My carpenter husband build it to perfection.  Which is amazing considering it began as a whole in the ground. The new floor and the old lined up perfectly. Exact enough to run flooring from old house into new. Everything perfectly square and level. He's a perfectionist when he works but the end result is genius.  

We found a gorgeous large wood table on a good sale and then bought some black chairs from IKEA. 

I was able to move in my Grandmothers china cabinet and fill it with various old pretty dishes that hold so many memories for me as well as a set of china dishes we inherited from my mother-in-law after she died.  I get more sentimental the older I get. Maybe because the older you get the more goodbyes you have to say. 

In the new dining room we have 2nd outside door leading to a backyard deck. 

This summer 2017 we finally got backsplash in the kitchen. We went for cheap and simple...simple to install mostly. Not that it wasn't time consuming. 

With that we were finished. 

Now for the rest of the house....

One thing at a time. 

I like to imagine this room being used to host many future Holiday dinners.

A home where we raise all 7 of our children.  A home that they come back to with their own families. 

One year with Ray.

The last couple weeks have had many special one year milestones for our littlest guy.

A couple days before Christmas we celebrated his first birthday. 

365 days earlier I had no idea that the world had just welcomed a beautiful little boy.  We had no idea that we would have a son in 2016, or that we would have a 7th child at all. 

On the day of his birth there were no waiting room filled with friends and relatives anticipating joyful news.  There were no balloons, excited birth announcements or celebrations. 

There was an ambulance ride with a tiny little passenger. 

A rush of medical professionals and social workers. 

His first Christmas didn't include any "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments, there were no packages with his name under a tree, or families proclaiming that this new little life was the best gift they could recieve. 

He brought in the New Year with beeping monitors and rotating hospital staff, as he fought off infections and endured withdrawl symptoms no infant should experience. 

A year later.  On the day of his birth he was surrounded by a houseful of friends and family.  He was doted on and celebrated by people who have embraced and loved him for the past year.  

He was treated like a little Prince.

This much loved little boy received birthday greetings from friends and relatives near and far.  Extended foster family, friends who have become family, and even some birth family sent him their love. 

He ate cake, chased balloons and soaked up all the attention.  

On Christmas morning he and his 2 year old sister were up early to marvel at the pile of gifts that had mysteriously appeared. 

The day was spent enjoying just being together as a family of 9.  

Grateful for all the good gifts we've been given in 2016. 

This sweet boy was the best gift and biggest surprise of 2016. 

It has been quite a year keeping up to two little ones 20 months apart...with five others all needing attention as well.  Although I have been stretched further and dug deeper in motherhood than I thought I could be, it has been a beautiful year.  

Another blessing this year is that we have had some stability in regards to case plan and a future with our two foster babies. After a year and a half of constant fear, case plan changes, stress, and heartache....it was simply wonderful to just breathe.  To rest in hope.  To know that people in charge agree that this little guy should not have to lose another set of parents, or experience more needless trauma.  He has lost too much already.  He has gained so much as well.  

A year ago this week we met a tiny two week old baby.

We were cautious and unsure.  Our life was full, busy, and complicated. It was hard to envision how a newborn (one that could possibly come with special needs or health concerns) would fit into our home.  We didn't know what his future would hold, how long he would be with us, or whether bringing him into the fold would disrupt and upset the careful balance we keep on the ledge of chaos.  

We came to the hospital "to just see the baby".  We hadn't actually committed to him yet.  I was ready...my husband wasn't so sure.   I was full speed ahead and he was all the things that "might be". 

All it took with a glimpse though. In that second the abstract became a living, breathing, vulnerable, precious child.  

Suddenly he was our son.  Even if it was only for a short time. 

That was our "yes".

We knew he needed a Mom and Dad.  He didn't need perfection or story book happy ending.... just a regular imperfect family that would love him fiercely through whatever challenges might lie ahead. 

All it took was laying eyes on him to have that confirmed. 

It was love at first sight. 

All our excuses, insecurities and fears felt so feeble and selfish. 

They felt so incredibly weak next to this little boy who was being so strong and fighting so hard. 

This was one of my visits to the hospital where he stayed several more days.  He soaked up the steady heartbeat and warm arms.  I loved sitting and holding a sleeping newborn.  There's just nothing better in life.  Someday when all my babies are grown maybe I'll volunteer to sit in hospitals and hold babies that are craving that steady heartbeat and warm arms. 

At 12 months old this little man is a delight.

He's ridiculously gorgeous, deliciously chubby and charmingly happy. 

He is 23 lbs and 85th percentile for height. 

He is meeting developmental milestones and becoming a toddler, complete with curious mischief and a stubborn streak.  He is sweet, sensitive and cautious.

He can stand on his own and take a timid step or two. 

Other than some lung issues he's a healthy little guy. 

Ray is a ray of sunshine in our home. He fills a spot in our family that we didn't even know existed until he arrived. He is adored and doted on by 6 big brothers and sisters.

He's Daddy's little buddy and side kick. He loves to tussle and play. 

I have a feeling he'll spend his preschool years tagging along on trips to the Jon Deere dealership for farm parts, and riding in the Semi Truck and Tractors. He'll be the cutest little farmers apprentice.  

Ray we are so blessed to get to be your family.  It has been a privilege to witness and be a part of the first year of your life.  Each new "first" and baby milestone is just as exciting to us as it was when we experienced it all for the first time 15 years ago as rookie parents.

We love you so very very much and we cling to the hope of experiencing many more "first"s and birthday celebrations with you. 

About Elijah

Four years ago we were packing our bags and waiting anxiously for the final notice of our travel to China.  We did Christmas at home knowing we had a son across the ocean and we travelled early in the new year to meet him.

When we made the decision to open up our hearts and family to this little boy in a land far away we knew that he would come with many unknowns.  Many of those caused me some fear in the weeks leading up to our travel date. Would he grow to love us, could we be the parents he needs, would our other kids adjust well, would our family crumble into chaos and would this adoption be the proverbial  final straw that sends us all to the looney bin?  We moved forward with eager and trembling steps knowing that this is what God was leading us to do.  More specifically this was who God was leading us to.

When we brought him home he was six years old and had been through a lot. An abandonment as a toddler, two different orphanages, and five foster homes.  He has cerebral palsy that mostly affects both legs and his left arm.  He had just started walking and was able to walk a few steps.  We knew those things before we left Canada. What would be a wild card was his development and cognitive ability.  We were bringing him home regardless. This was a special needs adoption and we were under no illusions that things would be easy or free of surprises.

With CP there is such a wide range of ability level both physically and cognitively. I have known people who are completely unable to control their body but yet are very intelligent and their minds are unaffected.  Some may have minor physical limitations but their cognitive ability is severely impaired.  You just really don't know, and you certainly can't assume that someone with a severe physical disability has any intellectual impairment. We didn't know where our little guy would fall, but I've known a few kids with CP and they were all average intelligence.

When we met our little guy we were smitten.  A beautiful smile that lit up at the simplest of pleasures like bubbles or a buffet meal.  He babbled in mandarin and enjoyed being snuggled.  He seemed quite a bit younger than six years old.  Partly because he was the size of a Canadian three year old.

As the months and years at home followed it became apparent that not only was he developmentally delayed from bouts of malnutrition, lack of schooling and neglect but that something more organic was at play.  Both nurture and nature were affecting his abilities.  A year after adjusting to just being home he was enrolled into Kindergarten.  He loved it and continues to love going to school.  His EA, teachers and the other students are so good to him. The have worked so hard with him and always set the goals high.

Recently an educational psychologist did a full assessment of his intellectual ability and IQ.  It was put off for a few years in order to let him catch up a bit and learn English.  After realizing that this was about as caught up as he's going to get we finally got the assessment done.  Yesterday we got the report back and went over the results.

I can't say I was shocked, although my husband says he was.  I actually have mixed feelings about the results.  In one sense theres a bit of relief and in another sense there's some sadness.  I think it will give me more patience with him when I remind myself that he's not just being dense or difficult but that he really just can't get it.

Across every category he was "Extremely below average" and his percentile was 0.1%.  The actual number of his IQ did floor me for a second.  I'm not totally comfortable sharing the number but it is below an average person with Down Syndrome.  His expressive and receptive language at 10 years old is that of a two or three year old. So there we have it.

In a way that validates what I've noticed in trying to teach him certain things.  I don't want to hold him back or set the expectations too low but I also want to be realistic. Expecting too much just causes frustration for us and for him.   I think the EA at school may be relieved as well as they are going to stop pushing so hard with things like learning letters (which has been entirely unsuccessful after three years of effort) and start working more on life skills.

The thing about the assessment is that it doesn't take into account that he is so much more than a test score.  That number is a part of his disability but it isn't who he is.  It also doesn't score the areas where he does have intelligence.

Here are a few statements written in the assessment that helped soothe my aching Mommy heart. They reflect more accurately who this boy is. The boy we know and love.

"Elijah was observed to be a happy and friendly boy who enjoyed engaging with others"

"He was observed to be seated at a table colouring with a group of other children. I sat with the group and Elijah engaged with both me and myself and the other children. He enjoyed providing me with ideas about what I could draw."

"Elijah presented as a cheerful and happy boy"

"Elijah was cooperative throughout the duration of the assessment and completed all tasks required of him. He tried hard, even when the tasks were difficult for him. He demonstrated a positive attitude and confidence in his ability to attempt tasks."

Those observations very accurately describe my son.

He has struggles but he is more than that.

Here are some of the things he's really good at:

* Elijah is a very loving boy.  He regularly gives me spontaneous hugs and back rubs and says "I love you mom".

* He is very generous with compliments.  He basically tells everyone they are "cute" and tells me all the time "You're a good mom".

* He is polite.  He is always on point with his "please", "excuse me" and "thankyou".  He will patiently wait his turn and doesn't whine.

*He's an amazing big brother.  He's always looking out for the little ones and the first to warn me if something is amiss.  He is very affectionate, protective and playful with them.  Annie and Eli are good playmates right now.

*He has a good imagination and loves to play pretend.

* He follows directions and is compliant.  For a parent that must makes life easier.  He can even follow and succeed at directions with multiple steps as long as the message is clear and he understands the words.  I have a few children with ADHD so the ability of a child to hear, process and successfully follow multi step directions isn't something I take for granted.

*He enjoys simple things.  It doesn't take much for him to be happy and content.  Give him a bowl of popcorn or rice and he's happier than he is at Disneyland (unless you buy him popcorn or rice there).  He's really very easy to please.

* He's helpful.  The boy loves to be busy and feel useful. He's great at picking up toys or helping to set the table.  He's as happy as can be when he's doing chores that everyone else grumbles about.

* He is very sociable and enjoys being with other kids and participating in activities.

*He is very perceptive.  I think some of his ability to read a room, judge people's moods, and be hyper aware is a survival tactic he learned early in life. It's both a skill and a detriment as he can easily become frightened and very anxious if he feels someone is upset or there is potential danger. There's not getting much past him. If there's tension in a room or he's being excluded he's very aware of it.

*He is good at self care.  As much as his physical ability allows he is eager to do things himself.  He dresses himself for school. Takes himself to the bathroom.  Washes his face and brushes his teeth (although I still go over them afterwards to make sure it's done well). Get's his own pajamas on.

*Elijah is great at finding a way to do what he wants to do. His ability to make adaptions and work at things until he can do it is remarkable.  He's not a kid who is content to sit on the sidelines.  He wants to be involved and finds a way to do so.

*He's always the first to pray for whoever in the family is hurt or sick, before it even crosses my own mind to do so.  He's our little intercessor.


To be honest the hardest thing about parenting him has not been his disabilities but rather his past traumas and the damage they caused. He has a lot of deeply ingrained fear and when that is triggered he will fly into fight or flight mode quickly. It's like something primal deep inside him just takes over. It often involves high pitched screaming, raging, spitting and making himself as physically gross as possible. Often this happens at the worst possible times, and over the most ridiculous things (at least to us).  It's very hard to have patience with that. Thankfully as trust and security has slowly grown these episodes are less and less frequent.


He really is just one of the kids.  I don't think about his disabilities all that much because it's not at the forefront of our relationship as a mother and son.  The extra stuff required when parenting a child with physical and intellectual disability is just part of life.  It all seems pretty normal now. He is expected to behave himself, he is expected to obey, he is expected to be kind to his siblings. He has consequences if he isn't doing those things.  He is expected to tidy his room and do what is asked of him.  He isn't kept in some sort of separate "special" category.  He has his own personality, his own likes and dislikes.  He has friends and he loves his family well.

He's just Eli.  He's just our kid.

All our lives are richer because of this boy and his smile.

What your Church needs from you. A letter to the big, messy, adoptive family.

I wrote a blog post a while back called "What a big, messy, adoptive family needs from a church"

Today I'm going to reverse that title and write some thoughts on what a church needs from a big messy family like mine, or yours.  I often hear parents lamenting that they aren't getting what they need from others, or don't have community, or who isolate themselves because it just feels easier. There are many people talking about what special needs and adoptive families genuinely need from churches. What I don't see or hear a lot of is the opposite.  What our churches need from us.  Specifically those of us with big, complicated, non-typical sorts of famlies.

First of all I want to acknowledge that you are tired.  Not only that, but you may be utterly exhausted 100% of the time. You are busy caring for little ones with various demands and needs 24 hrs a day.  Nothing is ever easy. Just leaving the house to go buy some milk is a huge ordeal that expends an absurd amount of energy and requires many logistical challenges. There's just really not much left over to give. By "not much" I mean you may feel drained to the dregs by the end of each day, and then the night shift starts. At least that accurately describes my current state of being.

So, when someone suggests that the church needs something from us it may put our back up a little.  After all, shouldn't "the church" be serving me and my family? We have opened our homes and hearts to vulnerable children, shouldn't serving our own needs qualify as some sort of "ministry"? Is it really fair for the rest of the church to expect or need something from us?

Dear Mothers (and fathers) of children with special challenges, let me assure you that you are still a vital part of the body of Christ, that is being worked in and through your local church community.

In fact, just your willingness to get up and out the door, despite the fact you only had 4 hrs of sleep and a couple kids are on the verge of meltdowns, to meet in the homes of friends or to gather with the church on Sunday morning is a testament to others. People see your children. They see your big, messy, mismatched family and they see the gospel worked out in those chubby dimpled hands and crooked pony tails.

By just being willing to go, you put God's redemptive work on display, and are serving the church.  The church needs that reminder that the gospel is about a Father who sacrifices, pursues, gathers and heals the broken, hopeless and alone right in the murky stuff of real life.  So bring your kids with their snot, shaggy hair, challenging behaviours, and disabilities...come raw and real.  In a sense, our ragamuffin gaggle of kids is a perfect picture of the Church.  A people gathered from every tongue, tribe and nation (with all their imperfection) made into a family.  Family with one blood line of Christ.  Fully known and fully loved. Serve your church by showing up.

If you are a big, messy, adoptive family with a range of special needs and challenges (or just a big messy family) community is vital.  It's an absolute lifeline.  I wrote more about that in the post mentioned above. You need it.  Go find it.  If you can't find that community, create it.

Don't sit at home pouting that you have no supportive community when you aren't willing to go out and BE community to others.  The tricky thing about "community" is it requires something from you. It can't be one way. The Church was designed and created as a community. We weren't saved to be Lone Rangers, we were saved to belong to something bigger than ourselves.  It's in the complexity of relationships that we are challenged, refined and sanctified.  It is in loving others that we are filled.

If you are not actively serving, loving, and reaching out to others it isn't "community" it's "consumerism".  Churches full of consumers become ingrown, naval gazing, bitter cess pools that eventually fade into oblivion.  Thriving growing churches are filled with people willing to set aside their own preferences to seek out, and meet, the needs of others. They are filled with people willing to be vulnerable, honest and sacrificially invest in the lives of others. They are saturated with grace...because as we well know living in genuine community with a bunch of sinners saved by grace isn't without it's challenges.

That brings me to my next point.  Grace.

You need it.
My kids need it.
God knows I need it.

Do you realize that your church family needs it from you too? The Church is not an homogenous collective, it's made of up individual people.  People in need of just as much grace and kindness as you.

What your church needs from you is for you to be patient, gentle and gracious.  Maybe you belong to a church that has not had any experience with foster children, with "high risk" teens, with kids who have special needs and disabilities, or with children that come with trauma and baggage.

Maybe they don't know the "proper" PC terminology that the adoptive parent community prides itself on keeping updated. Chances are some kids and adults in your church will feel awkward around an older child in a wheelchair that drools and talks weird. Maybe they don't know how to engage, even if they want to. That's why they need you and your children there! Exposure. They will soon see past the wheelchair and get to know your child as an individual.

Not every one of the 30 children's dept. volunteers that take time out of their own week to teach your children and hold your crabby babies so that you can have a break, instinctively know how to best handle a child with attachment disorder, sensory processing disorder, Autism, developmental delays, FASD, or ADHD.
Maybe they don't even know what questions to ask.

This is where you come in.  You can serve your church by being gracious. You can serve your church by patiently, lovingly, and gently letting specific needs be known. Build relationships with others who look after your kids or teach Sunday School.  Have dialogue, follow up and ask if there were any challenges you need to be aware of or if they have any questions about your child. Choose your battles carefully and be slow to take up an offense. If there are needs that cannot be overlooked don't keep them quiet and then grow bitter when someone doesn't read your mind, know your child, and doesn't perform to your expectations.  Be a teacher, advocate for your child when needed, but don't demand perfection.  Don't expect people to meet needs you haven't bothered to make known.

Dear Special Needs Warrior Mama's, set aside your "rights" and your offence when something doesn't go exactly how you want it to. Set down your Mama Bear weapons. They may serve you well when advocating for education and medical care for your child out in the big mean world but this thing, this mission, the Church....it isn't about you.  Its' about Jesus. To be blunt - You can serve your church by getting over yourself. Take your eyes off your own struggles, fix them on Jesus, and then look around.  People all around you have exhausting, stressful, busy lives.  People around you are hurting.  People in your church have lost loved ones, are grieving broken relationships with adult children, are struggling with broken marraiges, have just received a devastating diagnosis. Then look beyond your church walls into an entire world that needs a message of hope and redemption.

I know, if you are an adoptive or foster parent, you probably already pride yourselves on your worldly "awareness". Maybe you carried your wee one, wreaking of stale urine and vomit, out of an institution in a far away land.  You have witnessed first hand how cruel the world can be and how filled with sadness it is. Don't let that experience turn into pride and warp how you treat others back at home.

Not everyone has stood where you have or seen what you have seen.

Please do continue to advocate for vulnerable kids, shine light on injustice and heartbreakingly cruel conditions children exist in. Please do encourage and challenge your church to be more involved... but please do it with grace and humility.  Especially if you haven't bothered to notice the hurting and wounded within your own church family, or if you can't be bothered to show up for weeks or months at a time....or if you haven't "had the time" to make a meal for a new mom, or send an encouraging text to someone who is lonely.  None of us is scoring a perfect 10 in this. I know I'm sure not.

Serve your Church by giving.  I'm not only talking about tithing, which is important, I'm also talking about being generous with money and time.  Are there families who are struggling financially in your church?  Are there other families trying to adopt but don't yet have the funds? Is someone in your church launching a ministry or going oversees? Is your church in need of a new sound board? See the needs outside your own home.  Be generous.  Even when you have a house full of mouths to feed and bills to pay.  Give what you can.  With joy.

Another way you can serve your church is by giving credit where it's due. They need encouragement too. Your pastor most certainly needs it.

No church is going to be perfect.  It's made up of people equally consumed with their own problems and lives.  We all have a bent towards selfishness and self preservation. In light of that reality, if the brothers and sisters in your church have loved you, served you and been generous to you thank God for that! He has used these people to bless you, encourage you and provide for you in times of need.  It may not seem like a lot, it may be lacking in certain areas, but remind yourself of how abundantly you have already been served by a Rescuer who laid down his life to give you yours.  God has lavished you with undeserved grace, and welcomed you as his child.  Remind yourself that he is working through his Church, as imperfect as they may be, and that you are still a part of that work.

We moms of many may not be able to sign up for a lot of extras, we may occasionally need to say "no" or step down from a ministry during a hectic season.  Our priority is the messy, hard, redemptive work happening in our own homes every single day.  Because of that we not only need supportive community but we need to be reminded to also BE supportive community.  Because one doesn't exist without the other.

Dear Moms of many.  Moms who are tired and weary.  Moms who spend as much of the night awake as you do asleep.  Moms who sit in waiting rooms while kids have surgeries, MRI's, and therapy.  Moms who have multiple  kids with IEP's and who dread phone calls from school.  Moms who get funny looks while out getting groceries.  Moms who dole out meds and take kids to psych appointments and counselling.  Moms who dread phone calls from social services.

 You still matter outside the walls of your own house.

The church needs you.
They need your family.
They are better because you are there.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Carla

This is Real Family

"Which ones are real siblings?"
"What happened to her real parents?"

Sometimes I forget that many people don't consider all my children to be "real siblings". Many people (including many in"the system") don't consider foster parents to be "real" parents either or our family to be a legitimate family.

 I understand why there are a lot of descriptive qualifiers included in our family but inside my house, in the monotony and simplicity of daily life none of them exist.  We are Mom and Dad, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.  Every once in a while a prefix must be used in a conversation with a child regarding their family of origin, or to clarify for someone who wants to better understand how our family is constructed.

Biological, adopted, foster, adoptive, temporary, long term, permanent ward all have meaning but none of them make what we do less "real" they are not a part of our everyday language.  We don't categorize the children in our family.  We don't segregate or make those distinctions.  Whether I care for a child for 2 weeks or 20 years they are family.  While they are under this roof I strive to love that child as fiercely as any child born from my womb. Sometimes when people hear those qualifying prefixes they stop seeing a real family and imagine relationships that are forced or pretend.

The depth of the very real relationships within my home also do not negate the role that biological family/parent will always have. Even if that role has never actively been a part of the child's life. It is still something to be respected and honoured.

From my vantage point I see a pack of brothers and sisters doing what brothers and sisters do. I see a Mom and Dad doing what Moms and Dad's do.

I watch two sisters playing "ring around the rosie" over and over in my kitchen giggling hysterically as they fall to the ground together.

I see a big brother get down onto the floor on his belly to cheer on and coach a baby brother as he learns to crawl.

I break up yet another fight between a sister and a brother who are each convinced that the other has "ruined my world".  I take away the ipad and remind them that Minecraft is pretend and relationships are real.

I witness those same two siblings later in the day with their arm around each other as they play.

A two year old begs her teenage sister to make her "pretty", which means she wants big sister to put her makeup on her and do her hair.  She sits so patiently as she gets a makeover and then runs upstairs to announce "Princess!" She often asks for that same big sister to come tuck her into bed at night, or read her a book.

I get to see a little girl jump up on the lap of a Daddy she bears no physical resemblance to, wrap her arms around his neck and then ask for him to bounce her on his knee for a horsey ride.

As a Mom, I feed, nurture, soothe, change, wash, teach, train, comfort, scold, and remind. I do these things literally 24 hours a day. Never do I stop what I'm doing and remind myself that I'm not really parenting but only pretending.

These kids dote on each other, they tattle and bicker, they play, and they protect. Because they're family.  It's really not as complicated as the rest of the world wants to make it.

They may not all share DNA but they're siblings in every way that matters on a day to day basis.

I sometimes forget that much of the world doesn't always see foster families, or even adoptive families, as "real".  Then I read or hear something and it jars me back to the reality that others aren't looking through the same lenses I am. They haven't witnessed the truth that plays itself out inside my home every single day.

We may not all be related by blood but we are bound by our commitment to love each other, even when someone takes the last bowl full of popcorn, or wrecks our really awesome Lego creation. Even in the heart wrenching and painful things that come with being a foster family.

Being a "real family" is simple, even though being a foster family is complicated.  Every situation is different.  Some children have a long history and strong bond to biological parents.  Some children have never met their biological parents and came into foster care or their forever family at birth. Some children have regular visits with birth parents and will soon return to live with them. Some have never had a birth parent even request a visit and will remain with a foster family, maybe the only family they have known. Some will be adopted into a permanent family and some will sadly move from home to home.  As a foster parent I have been called "Auntie" and I have been called "Mommy".  That nuance of role didn't change how I loved them or mothered them.

We don't live in a world of ideals as foster parents.  We exist in murky greys, hard truths, and crawling through broken shards praying that God will take all these jagged pieces and make something beautiful.

There's something about uncertainty that forges deep bonds.  A gnawing awareness that time is short or that an unexpected phone call could turn all our lives upside down and leave us struggling to merely breathe gives love an urgency and an intentionality.  We know all too well that "later" and "maybe someday"  is a luxury we can't afford.  We linger, we savour, we pour in and pour out and give it all knowing that tomorrow is not guaranteed and that when a child leaves they will carry those moments with them. We force ourselves to let go and pray it will be enough.

Could it be that people think strange (or impossible) something they just don't understand and haven't witnessed?

That's why it's a good thing for foster families and adoptive families to be seen and heard.
 When your church, your social circle, your community and your child's classroom has families like this and you see how very normal this family is...despite a mix of physical traits and complex histories... your mind and heart might just be stretched and challenged to regard this family as very "real".


 God brought each one of us together including my husband and myself.  Commitment and choosing love over selfishness keeps us here.  Love makes us a family.

{Roman rescuing Cece who climbed a short ways up a climbing wall and started to cry, too afraid to move or let go of the wall}  

{Brothers enjoying a summer swim}

{some sibling playground fun}

{Silas keeping little sister occupied on a rainy camping morning}

{Just a larger than average real family}