In the Dust

I expected to get a phone call this week.  It came this morning.

In my heart I knew what was coming, but yet I still held onto the glimmer of hope that somehow my fierce love and sheer strength of will would be enough to change what might happen.

We are beginning the "transition" of Baby Annie into her new home.  We are actually very thankful for a sensitive, competent, and kind case worker who understands that fostering involves real families, actual children, and real grief.  I am thankful for our five months with her.  I will always treasure the days that I got to be her Mommy.  We trust that God is good and that He goes ahead of her and goes with her.  Even though I feel like my heart is being gauged out with a spoon, I do have a sense of peace.  This isn't an unjust, or horrible move...it's what is supposed to happen.  That doesn't change the reality that we really love this little girl and will miss her terribly.

I don't have many words right now to process the emotions.
Right now I'm just trying to inhale and exhale.

Today also happens to be Elijah's 8th birthday....which is feeling less than festive at the moment.  I need to put on my brave face and not let the sadness overwhelm what is a happy celebration.  The timing isn't super awesome.

Thankyou for following along on our journey through foster parenting and for praying for our family as we feel the full depth of what we are called to.  This will hit some of my kids hard I'm afraid, please pray for their tender hearts.

I suspect I will find my words eventually, but for now I'm just resting in the One who doesn't need words to know my heart, and I can use the words of others to excavate Truth.

"In the psalms, God has given the church a language which allows it to express even the deepest agonies of the human soul in the context of worship." Carl Trueman

There is a time to weep.  There is a time to wear the sackcloth, lay down in the ashes, and to just let brokenness be what it is. Even when we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other...and decorate a birthday cake.

"Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need"


Lynnea Hameloth said...

Oh friend. You are....such a source of strength to me. May God carry you in His arms through this transition.
I will be thinking of you all through this hard transition.
Much love.

Jenn @Treasuring Lifes Blessings said...

Huge (((hugs))) Fostering isn't for the faint of heart. We had lost 2 foster sons we had from early on who were with us almost 2 years (& there was no transition, one day they were with us full time, next day completely gone, heartless social workers!) I feel for all of you. Praying for this transition for all of you. Thank you for doing what you do & praying for God's comfort for all of you!

Anonymous said...

Though your heart breaks, there is hope. Hope for your sweet baby that she will go back to a mother redeemed. I know the odds aren't good, but there is hope. Hope that she will not spend the rest of her life with the nagging question of why she wasn't worth keeping. I know you know. And no matter what, just like the song you posted, "God can work all things together for good to those who love Him." For you and for her. I am sorry for your heart. Thank you for giving her a beautiful beginning. She doesn't know it, but it will affect her forever. Just like neglect at such a young age effects sp profoundly, so does love effect profoundly. Praying for all of your hearts to have strength and for healing.

Carla said...

thankyou for your prayers and encouragement ladies. Her story has not ended but rather continues in a direction that doesn't include us as her family. I can't share details but she is not going to live with bio parents. Our prayer and hope is always for redemption and healing for the families of our foster and adopted children.