Struck down but not destroyed.

I don't have any cute pictures today. In fact I'm in kind of a picture taking slump. Perhaps because my decent Panasonic camera is still out of order. Or perhaps because ,compared to life this winter, my life at the moment seems a little mundane. Not that mundaneness stopped me before. There is beauty in the little things and the monotonous moments of life. I think I'm just forgetting to look.

I'm posting because I need to write. It's that or tear into an unopened bag of chocolate chips. I have no idea what I am planning on writing about. I will figure it out as I go....and I may or may not delete the whole mess afterward. If you are reading this I obviously chose the latter.

I am living in a bit of new baby sleep deprived fog right now. It has been snowing and or raining for what seems like an eternity. A combination of those two factors is making me feel slothful, unmotivated and like I have the physical composition of Jello. I need some fresh air , exercise and alone time which the above two factors are complicating. I have found that instead of exercise, food is a rather effective substitute for soothing an uninspired, tired, emotionally worn out mom. This is not helping the Jello butt issue in the least. Yep I said it.

Our new little baby "Miss Cece" is doing really well. She actually slept for 5 straight hours last night and is adjusting very well to her lower dose of drug withdrawal medication. As long as she gets a little prune juice every day we are all much happier. She has a head full of gorgeous black hair, beautiful dark brown eyes, big chubby cheeks and the cutest little cupids bow lips. As usual I'm madly in love already. She has made a virtually seamless entrance into the fabric of our family life.

On a different topic....

There is a situation in my life right now that has been a major burden. It has simmered unchecked for decades and inevitably it has escalated into complete chaos and heartache.

This blog is my journal. It is where I am completely transparent about who I am. The good, the bad and the jiggly. It's my glass house. My living testimony. As you know I am pretty much an open book. I am however, exceedingly careful not to open other peoples books. There are always things in my life that I, out of respect, cannot discuss.

This is my place to process and share my own struggles and heart ache as well as my joys, hopes, and silliness.

Within the walls of my home, my marriage, my sanctuary and my immediate family, we are all good, healthy and thriving. I thank God for that. The problem is that sometimes other peoples mess, hate, and bitterness infiltrate and threaten to take our peace. We find ourselves dealing with issues and situations we never imagined we would have to face.

I have personally, in my life, never been hated. I guess I never expected to be.

I'm sure there have been people who don't particularly like me or what I stand for, or find me annoying, but I've never been passionately hated...until now. It's a crappy feeling.

It would be one thing if I could trace the hostility to some sin, or actions of my own. I would repent, attempt to reconcile and move on. That is not the case.

My sin is loving someone deemed unlovable.

I have touched the untouchable.

I broke rank.

I am not a perfect person. In fact I am very candid about my mistakes and shortcomings. I am just some raw material that God is molding for His purpose. However, I continually give myself over to be searched in the light of God's holy love. As his Spirit works and grows in me there will always be things that he brings to my attention that need to be weeded out and dealt with. I think that when we are convinced of our own self-righteousness and ultimate wisdom that we run into trouble. Pride will always get in the way of knowledge and wisdom. It cannot co-exist with empathy and grace.

The rub is....I will never be able to defend myself or clear up the misinformation because my voice has been effectively stripped away....just like the voice of the last person that was silenced. My reputation, character, personality, sanity, and motives have been so twisted, distorted, lied about and slandered that if it weren't so hurtful and sad the absurdity would be down right comical.

We dealt with a lot of this mess, on the down low, while we were away in Mexico. It was hurtful, distracting and stressful. We decided we needed to separate ourselves from the toxicity and put up some healthy boundaries. We were in Mexico to minister to and love children, not to deal with toxic people thousands of miles away. We have done our absolute best at staying completely out of the frenzy, physically and emotionally.

Now that we are home ,we are once again facing a misdirected firing squad and I am at a loss of what to do but stand here and take it. Not quite what I had hoped for. Forgiveness and knowledge are hard work. Anger is easier.

We all make choices.

I will always choose to stand for mercy, love, grace, forgiveness, compassion, healing and truth.

... even if that means I will bear the wrath of others who choose to dwell in bitterness and blame. I can't just give lip service to those things and then live a life contrary to them. I'm pretty sure I can't fool God.

The funny thing about bitterness, hatred and ungodly rage is that it is generally rooted in fear and fueled by ignorance. There is nothing "righteous" about it. It is nothing short of sin.

Rage needs an object of it's wrath or it will be shown for the foundation-less, empty emotion that it is. If there is no justification for the rage it will make something up.

I am pretty thick skinned. I don't offend easily. I'm a strong and resilient woman. I used to think I could stand up under quite a bit.

The thing is, I can only be alienated, called hideous things, betrayed by those I love and lied about so many times before it starts to inflict some wounds. I think what is even harder to take is listening to hatred and slander being openly expressed about people I love.

I don't want those wounds to fester.

It hurts, but I refuse to succumb to bitterness. That would make me part of the problem. Instead I will choose to forgive...as difficult a process as that may prove to be. As those hurts turn to bitter thoughts I must take each one of them captive and not let them take hold.

My question is ....how do I balance healthy boundaries (keeping the bad out and the good in) with turning the other cheek and blessing those who curse me? Any advice? I will not and cannot be a scapegoat for someone else's sin and dysfunction. I will not allow my family and my children to be a part of that. It isn't healthy, in fact its toxic. That is not a legacy that I will allow to be passed onto my children.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."

That's a tough one. It's hard enough to just tolerate those who curse me.. but bless? I'm going to have to mull that one around for a while. If any of you out there in blog world have words of Godly wisdom or experience please share them with me. I know where I need to be and where I need to go with my hurts but sometimes I'm having trouble getting there. I know I need to take them to the feet of Christ and let them go. Offense is the bait of Satan. It's so appealing and alluring to coddle our hurts, take offense and allow bitterness to grow but it leads to a deadly trap.

It goes against my nature not to stand up against injustice and cruelty. In fact it goes against every fiber of who God made (and is still making) me to be. In this situation it appears there can't even be a rational resolution or logical discussion to satisfy my desire for civil restoration. I don't like unresolved conflict, but even though it's directed at me, it is not something in my power to resolve. I accept that now. I can't reason with unreason.

I can't clear up misunderstandings and misinformation when they are already carved into stone.

That is uncomfortable for me.

Why can't I just let it go? Slide off my back and not let it hurt me? I think it comes down to my desire to be liked. After all, I'm a good person...shouldn't good people, with good motives and good actions be liked? I guess if you look in the Bible that isn't usually the case. In fact the opposite is often true.

Unresolved bitterness and un-forgiveness is cancer to the soul. Being that our body, mind and spirit are all so interconnected there is no part of us that will be not be unaffected by it. I won't live like that. I won't die like that.

I know without a doubt I have sought to keep peace as much as it depends on me. However, sometimes peace at any cost....comes with a high a price tag. Sometimes creating the illusion of peace means that someone will be sacrificed, people will need to be silenced and sin will need to be covered and ignored. That is not healing. That does not allow forgiveness or reconciliation. It's such a delicate and complicated balance to face issues head on in a spirit of grace and reconciliation. There's a pretty steep learning curve.

I have honestly never in my life been through a season of such strong spiritual warfare, such discouragement and oppression. I have never in my life been under such a barrage of fiery arrows meant to wound and destroy. Despite this, I have also felt God very close as I put on my armour and face the battle on my knees in prayer. For the first time in my life every word of the Psalms of David are direct prayers from my own heart.

I guess if I'm on Satan's radar...I must be doing something right. God must be up to something big if Satan won't let go of his death grip without a fight.

You can test a tree by it's fruit. Is the fruit bitter and sour or is it nourishing and life giving? The tricky thing is sometimes we judge the fruit without ever getting close enough to actually taste and touch it. We make assumptions based on appearances or what we have been told alone and judge the whole tree. Do our words give life and hope or do they tear down and destroy?

Out of the mouth comes the overflow of the heart.

Still, it grieves me. It grieves me because the ripple effects of sin are always so far reaching and so damaging. It grieves me because this is not God's will.

 He has given us the freedom to choose. We can choose to be closed minded, heard hearted, and unloving or we can choose mercy.  God will not be mocked.

Life is messy. Sometimes it gets down right ugly and we have no control over that.

What I can control is my attitude toward others (even those who hate me) and my spiritual orientation which , like a sail to the wind, must be constantly re-adjusted.

So this is me.

Growing. Praying. Loving.

The world can spiral into chaos around me.

I have peace. I have faith. I have joy. I have loving relationships.

I have God's all consuming passionate love.

He KNOWS me.

That's truly all I need.

No one can take those things from me. No one can touch that.

I have a guilt-free conscience that has been laid bare and cleansed. I have peace that goes to the very depth of my soul.

I will choose to respect, forgive, and show grace.

If that's all I can do then that is enough. God is big enough for all the rest.

I can stand in the middle of turmoil and chaos and honestly say - It is well with my soul.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.

He is my shield and the horn of my salvation,

my stronghold.

I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and

I am saved from my enemies."

Happy Birthday Sis!

I never dreamed that I would ever really know you. Even after 13 years of marriage I doubted that I would ever meet my husband's only sister. I certainly never expected that you would become one of my very dearest friends and a true sister in Christ. It has been beautiful to watch God work in your life , transform and redeem it for His purpose. You exude true beauty inside and out!

God brought us all together in His timing, in His wisdom, and for His glory. It was all Him. I thank Him for that. Nathanael and I are both enjoying making up for the decades taken from us. You have been such a loving new auntie to my kids. They love you and their cousin already and we are looking forward playing together soon. I wish you lived closer!! I am so excited that ,even though the past is lost, the future holds so much promise for all of us.

You've shown me in a powerful way what faith can do....

You have been a blessing in our lives this past year and a half. In you, we have found a kind hearted, sincere, genuine and generous person. You have been not only an inspiration to me but an example of grace and maturity in the midst of turmoil and heart ache. We have laughed together, cried together, studied scripture together and spent countless hours on our knees interceding and seeking wisdom together.

The test of a true friend is someone who will challenge me to be a better person even if that means holding me to a higher account, lovingly challenging my bad attitude and redirecting me back to Christ. Someone who will risk being completely honest with me. The kind of friend who will tell me if there is spinach on my teeth or an unflattering and dangerous bitterness taking hold of my heart. Thank you for that. Thank you for your encouragement, prayers and sisterly love.

No one else makes me laugh until my belly aches like you do!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER! I wish I lived closer so I could give you a big hug, bake you a cake and make you feel super duper loved.

I picked out this new song especially for you...every word of it.

Back home (take 2)

The above photo is of our yard today.

May 4.

Spring where are you?

The grass was turning green. The snow was gone...again....and now this?

Our yard in April.

When we arrived back home at the beginning of April it was sunny, warmish, very dry and no snow. Other than being a little concerned about the lack of precipitation I was relieved that the weather back home was closely resembling the weather I had left behind in Baja Mexico. The kids didn't skip a beat as they pulled on their shorts and ran around outside in their flip flops. However a short while later...winter returned in all it's raging glory.

The problem was the kids didn't have winter snow gear. Fortunately it wasn't terribly cold and the kid managed to scrounge enough clothing to have a good time playing.

Our Canadian spring blizzard.

The yucky weather gave us lots of time to do some projects inside the house.

I painted Aili's room pink and turquoise. Nathanael finally finished the bathroom remodel. Our main bathroom (the other one is down in the basement) has been completely torn apart for over a year. Don't ask.

My talented husband remodeled every inch of it from the plumbing and dry wall to the tile and electrical.

It's handy having a handy guy for a husband.

Here's my handy man in training.

Or maybe my baker's apprentice.

With a little one on one attention along with the extra consistency of being at home all day, he's really blossomed into a very enjoyable well behaved little boy. I knew he had it in him ;) He has grown up so much in the last few months. He's still silly any chance he gets though. :)

The kids have all adjusted well to their new/ old surroundings. The first couple weeks were both wonderful ( I have a HOUSE!) and a little difficult for all of us. The kids all adjusted in their own ways. Silas became very insecure and afraid of everything...including his room, his closet, our house in general. He was rather used to us all sleeping in the same room.

Roman went into a "funk" for about a week and was ticked at the world and every one in it for no apparent reason. We know him well enough to prepare for it. For a very adventurous and flexible personality ...change usually affects him the most, in somewhat strange and subtle ways. He came around though and has been doing very well in his new routine (that includes going back to public school). He has really settled in and his maturity and responsibility have kicked into high gear lately. He's the first one up, dressed and ready for school in the A.M and he has been a big help around the house.

Aili merged right back into life as usual here rather seamlessly. She is already asking when we can go back to Mexico! I think as she continues to reminisce about and process our winter she is realizing what an amazing experience it was for all of us. She is eager to return although she is enjoying her life here. As she was explaining how conflicted she feels she echoed my exact feelings.

I miss Mexico. I miss our friends. I miss the kids.

But...

I am thoroughly enjoying my life as usual back home.

I am LOVING having a house after living in a camping trailer for nearly 6 months.

I am loving being a home maker (with a home), baking, cooking healthy food and spending a lot of quality time with my own kids. It's been great to just re-group as a family after so many months of ministry marathon.

I am enjoying the conveniences and luxuries of home.

The biggest change to our family has been just this past week.

We have a new baby.

She came to our home last Monday. She is just over a month old and has turned my life of relative leisure into nights of dealing with screaming colic and days of blurry exhaustion. She is absolutely precious and has already wrapped herself around my heart but I admit there are moments I wonder what on earth I signed myself up for. I think I was kind of spoiled with the last few babies we fostered. This little girl is definitely higher maintenance. It is fun to have a girl though after a so many boys.

My other three are loving having her. Silas has always been baby crazy and the other two are such big helpers with her. I am so proud of all of them! They have not only been willing but eager to love her and to share their parents with her. Actually we were only home a few days when the kids started asking when we would get another baby. Of course, as a mother, I still struggle with "mother's guilt" on occasion. The first couple days I worried how taxing this would be on them as far as having to share me. I think I feel more concerned now with the eventual, inevitable goodbye and how , particularly Silas, will cope. He understands so much more this summer than last but he also remembers the other babies leaving and as a result is very protective of this one.

As I attempt to write this post my family is succumbing to a sudden onset of stomach flu. I really can't do sick right now. ugg.

The baby just had her drug withdrawal meds. reduced today and is not liking it. It could be a long night.

Well that's a brief update on our re-entry into crazy life as usual.

I'm back!!

Finally...after years of painfully slow old school internet, 5 and half months of orphanage "blocker" (that blocked all blogs), and almost 2 months with nothing....I HAVE HIGHSPEED INTERNET!!

I can't wait to share about our re-entry back into life as usual in the Canadian prairie.

Home

We made it back to the Canadian Prairie last Monday.
We have spent a good deal of our time "unplugged". We had cancelled our phones, internet, and tv last fall before we left for Mexico. We are still waiting on inertnet but will have highspeed in our home for the first time.

I'm writing on my hubby's new blackberry and I am not good with these tiny buttons at all!

I'll catch you all up soon.

Contrasts

This promises to be a scattered and random post. Consider yourself warned. I'm exhausted. We aren't home yet. Monday will be our arrival at the home we haven't seen since October. I've got a head cold...the first in months. I have a 3 year old with a fever (first all winter). I feel like I could sleep for days. I don't know if it's just slowing down long enough to let it all catch up with me or if its just the last week of a crazy schedule and crazy keep me awake at night itching. Last night was the first night that I haven't woke up wishing I could cut my legs off at the knees. Aili , who is covered from head to two with flea bites as well, has also been keeping me awake. Last night she slept well too. I'm hoping that we are done with these nasty bites. They kept us miserable for over a week! No new bites for a week though so I think we left them behind.

Anyway, making sense of our experiences this winter, processing it all in the middle of a very affluent neighborhood hasn't been easy. Such stark contrasts are messing with my head....or maybe emotions. So many stark contrasts, not better..not worse...just so opposite. Sometimes with wealth comes poverty of other kinds. Sometimes with poverty comes a wealth of a different sort.

I just looked back over several of my posts from our time in Baja Mexico. It seems already like a dream. A different life in a different world. A dream that I too abruptly woke up from and already long to return to. I miss those faces, those people, those children. How, when I am currently surrounded by such luxury and comfort, can I long to go back to the flea infested dust of Baja. Maybe it's because I'm still in limbo. Not quite in either home. Still 2 days and a 5 hour drive from our previous life and about a 35 hour drive from our Mexican home and family.

We really are enjoying our time of relaxing and visiting with relatives right now. Our kids are having a great time with their cousins. I was thrilled to take a shower without sandals for the first time in over 5 months. A shower in the same building that I sleep in. Doing laundry in my sister in laws fancy front load washer and drier is fun. The food is great, the beds are comfy, the company is good, the hospitality has been a welcome relief for weary travelers. I am so thankful for this time here. I can't complain. Still I can't figure out this funk I'm working through.

Too many contrasting images bouncing around in my head. It's hard to reconcile such extremes.

No one here could understand life there and no one there could ever imagine life here. Two different worlds...and I feel I have a one foot in both places.

"empty handed but alive in your hands"

I was just listening to my playlist that line from "Majesty/Here I Am" just struck me. I think sometimes in this culture our hands are so full of stuff that we don't know what it's like to truly be alive in His hands, to depend, to rely, to be broken and humble. Sometimes our kingdoms get so big we start to think that it's ours ,that we're entitled to it. That somehow we have because we deserve... because we work hard. Others don't have because they don't deserve, they are different from us, they must have done something wrong. The problem that now plagues me is that I know otherwise. The kids desperate for their next meal, covered in parasites, sleeping in cold dirt.....are just kids. The people who work from dawn 'till dusk picking the tomatoes and strawberries that fill our expansive supermarkets work harder than any of us ever have. Such a stark and disturbing truth. Reality isn't always an easy thing to see.

I can't even describe how many self-entitled attitudes, gluttonous lifestyles, and offensive derogatory comments we heard from "Americanos" (about Mexican's )on our recent travels. It's all been a bit much. Not that every "Americano" is that way , but as a society as a whole..... I know that comment will offend some...but like I said reality isn't always an easy thing to look at.

Maybe the contrasts won't seem quite as extreme once we get back to Hickville, back to my broken oven, second hand furniture and duct taped kitchen counter. The problem is I want my perceptive to change. I don't want to be a part of that society that places it's value of people on how much they own. I want to look at my old house and see the blessing that every imperfect inch of it is. I want to look at my little garden plot and be thankful that I can feed my children. I want to tuck my kids into bed with their mis- matched bed sheets and worn blankets genuinely thankful they have a warm place to sleep. I don't want the sin of discontent and the idol of materialism to ever cross my heart again. I know at some point it will. I will someday in the near future covet someone else's furniture. I will complain that my fridge doesn't close right and I will whine that my carpet is ugly. I hope that, as I write this down, I will have something to look back at and will be able to readjust my ingratitude to thankfulness. I will be able to get on my knees and confess my discontent and idolatry. I don't think that having nice things or a comfortable home is wrong, not by a long shot, I think it is the attitudes and priorities that I develop that get's me off track.

So now I've written it down. I am now accountable for it. You can point me back to this post when I get off track. :)

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our family this winter and who has encouraged us with your words. It has meant more to us than you can know.

Day in San Diego

After one day spent in San Diego and 3 more grueling days of driving we made it to Canada yesterday. We aren't home quite yet but are enjoying some time visiting family. We will drive the last 5 hours of our 40 hr journey on Monday.

The trip home went well over all. The kids are so accustomed to travelling they weren't a problem. They get in their travel zone and are pretty good at entertaining themselves. Of course, having a dvd player is a must for that many hours in a car. We have our system of bathroom breaks, garbage collecting and gas stops down to a science (with one exception that included Roman in the back seat with a water bottle )

We stopped once a day, for about half an hour, while the kids run around and I stuff pita pockets with salad and turkey to eat on the road. Other than our daily pita salad we mostly just snacked on grapes, carrots, crackers and cheese sticks. We really tried to keep junk food and fast food stops out of the travel itinerary. 3 kids in a confined space spazzed out on sugar and food coloring isn't something I want to experience. I totally let my standards slide all winter but I'm looking forward to getting my kids back to eating healthier.

Each of the days we drove until about 10pm and then found a Walmart parking lot to spend the night. The kids were usually asleep by then, and already in their pajamas, so all we had to to was carry them back to their beds. We usually turned on the propane stove for a while before we brought the kids in to get the trailer to get it warmed up a little. Our accommodations made camping seem pleasant. We hit sub zero weather in Utah and struggled to keep our trailer above freezing each night because we weren't plugged in. Because of the sub freezing temperatures we also had to "winterize" our trailer which meant no water....which translates into no showers or water of any kind. It was a little wearisome but we made it to Calgary and are enjoying our little break (and the real beds and showers) before we get back to real life.

The pictures are of our day spent playing in San Diego. We spent the day down on Mission Beach at an old school amusement park and arcade. It was so nice just to play as a family, enjoy each other and re-group after months of focusing on so many other people and children.

Check out their faces. Aili was freaking out on this little up and down ride. They actually had to stop the ride early to let her off. Roman who is a total adrenaline junkie was loving it. Seriously I don't know if there is a ride , that he is tall enough to go on, that could ever scare him.

Our monkey boy making good use of his skills.

Ready for a dance off!

More play time.