Unexpected Gift

This week my baby girl will be celebrating her first birthday.   Crossing over the threshold from infant to toddler. 

This year has gone by SO fast. 

Before the arrival of my other kids there was  9 months of expecting, waiting and dreaming before the arrival. 

Expectation.

Even with a more typical adoption there is a lot of waiting, planning, preparing and expecting.  Not that I'm sorry to have missed any of that.

I didn't plan.  I didn't wait.  I didn't expect.  I didn't prepare.

In fact, on the day she was born I was not even in the same country.

I had no idea that 5 weeks later my world would change and I would have another daughter.

 

It is a strange to think back to this week last year.  I wasn't pacing in a hospital,  packing a bag, or putting the finishing touches on a nursery.   I didn't even have a nursery.

This week last year we were saying our goodbyes to all our friends, celebrating spring, swimming at the river,  and having a very special tea party. 

Little did I know I  had a little one waiting at home for me.

I wanted to stay in Mexico.  God had another plan.

This photo was taken on the day Miss Cece was born.

Our family of 3 kids.

I had four kids that day.  I just didn't know it yet.  That makes me smile.  

The day she was born was a wonderful day and holds some beautiful memories.   

I spent her birthday working in the Learning Center for kids with disabilities.  We had set up a home made water park for the kids.  Baja  sunshine, amazing kids and lots of laughs. 

 I can't help but think that beats timing contractions and episiotomies any day.

Although the thought of her spending that first week alone in a NICU nursery without a mama to hold and soothe her makes me a little sad.

It wasn't long after we returned home that we got the phone call.  

The next day, this tiny black haired stranger was handed to me and I was thrust once again into parenting a newborn. A  precious little girl with a whole lot of issues going on inside her tiny body.

At that time I had no idea what her case plan was.   I didn't know if I would have her for 2 weeks or 2 months.  I didn't dare to hope that she would ever be mine.  In those first few sleep deprived weeks I would have cried both tears of joy and horror if you had told me we would be adopting her. 

I remember so vividly the moment we met. 

A little stranger being buckled into the baby car seat I had brought to the Social Services office.  The man who met me there wore a  tank top, reeked like cigarette smoke, and commented that she was a fussy one and I wouldn't be getting much sleep.  I felt afraid of what I was getting myself into.  I thought I must be crazy.

It was all so strange, yet so routine.   I had done this before.  There wasn't a lot of sentiment involved.  I would get her home and then we would get acquainted with this new little one.

I wanted to rush out of that building that holds so many conflicting memories. As much as I wanted to escape the strange building where children are picked up and dropped off like packages at a post office, something inside me told me to slow down and really look at her.  Take a mental snap shot, and remember that moment.  

I remember a very strange thought ran through my mind.

This is the moment I meet my daughter I'd better remember it.  

I quickly shook that ridiculous thought out of my head and brought myself back into foster mom reality.  

Babies come and babies go. 

This one would be no different.

Over the course of two days my world changed.

At the time it was all too familiar.  Just another baby that would tear my heart out when she left.

Well baby,  that was nearly one year ago.

Although the adoption process crawls along at the rate of a sleeping snail.

I am yours

and you will forever be mine regardless of paper, or courts.

You belong to each of us.  

Happy Birthday Sunshine girl

You are the best unexpected gift I have ever received.  

Our Father is a giver of good gifts and I can barely believe how much he has blessed me.

A gift that I could so easily have been to busy, too selfish, or too afraid to receive.

It makes me wonder how much we miss out on because we lack trust, because we fail to receive His blessings in disguise.

I didn't expect to have the privilege of celebrating her first birthday with her.

I have loved her as a mother loves a child that she knows she might lose.

When each day could mean a goodbye you learn to cherish the moments and love more intentionally. 

I am so thankful.  Not only that she is here with us but that she has been so healthy this winter.

In her first few months she struggled with health issues related to her drug exposure and the side effects of medication.  Beyond that she battled constant colds,  asthma, and lung infections.  It seemed she would never be a healthy baby.

Her immune system finally caught up with her and for the past 5 months or so she has been completely infection free, the inhalers haven't left the closet, and she hasn't had more than a couple days of runny nose.  

Maybe it's all the super baby food I'm feeding  her.  

Maybe it's the fact that her big siblings are homeschooling and have avoided this winter's viruses.

Maybe it's God's hand of healing and protection.

We are also so thankful that she has been completely asymptomatic of Hep C this year.   We hope it  will stay that way or for "spontaneous viral clearance" which does occasionally happen.

They want to check on her again sometime after her first birthday so we will have a better idea then what is happening inside her body.  

 By all appearances she is healthy, thriving and developing better than we could have hoped.

She is a clever, affectionate, happy, and silly little girl.  

It's been so much fun to get to know her, see her personality unfold, and watch her grow over the past year.

I feel so blessed and as I watch her play I am filled with thankfulness.

Soaking up the moments

Little moments are so easily missed in the monotonous rush of each day.

I am trying to be more intentional.  

I want to stop and take notice.

Appreciate the things that are so easily overlooked.

Too often I bustle around, focus on my agenda, overwhelm myself with work, and forget to just be.

This is a rare moment indeed.  

I want to soak up the stillness and the smallness of my boy

who is rarely still and won't be small for much longer.

Proving that my little ones are refusing to stay little Aili and Roman are proudly displaying the lunch that they made.   Also reassuring mom that her kids getting big has it's advantages.

This girl makes me smile everyday.

Even though she has questionable manners.

I wish I could show her her sweet smile while

she giggles and plays peek-a-boo.

This little girl's first birthday is coming up.

My party planner extraordinaire (Aili)  is already on the job making shopping lists and decorations. 

Crazy Love

Forgiveness is costly

(to avoid auditory chaos don't forget to scroll all the way to the bottom of the blog to pause the music)

Forgiveness   by Beckah Shae
Betrayed and let down, they gossip and slander
They sabotage You as they mock You, it’s just a mess!
But I refuse to amuse the lies
And whether or not they apologize
I’m moving on, I’m going to let go cause I got to fly

Laying down all that’s in the past, no bitterness
Putting aside all my pain and my pride, to be blessed
I’ve learned what we hold against someone else
Will only wind up hurting ourselves
We need love motivation

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

The damage is done, the scars still remain
But I gained wisdom and strength
So I declare the victory is won

I refuse to amuse the pain
Won’t let it take my freedom away
I’m moving on, I’m going to let go
Cause tomorrow’s a better day

Laying down all that’s in the past, no bitterness
Putting aside all my pain and my pride, to be blessed
I’ve learned what we hold against someone else
Will only wind up hurting ourselves
We need love motivation

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

I am only human, I am so imperfect
And I’m whole heartedly
asking You to forgive me, oh
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me

You got to take in the air and just breathe in
Believe in order to let a broken heart
start beat, beat beating’ again
A gain of restored grace
From a flash in a past space
What’s left is a bad taste

Repairing from despair
Which left you unaware
That others desperation of hating’
Which had you stating’ what was done in the past,
History, so ill, the sting from the blow, fast hit, it’s so real

Faced with the options presented
Forgive or resent it. to live or regret it, grip or forget it
You got to love or hate it
See, the truth’s been stated
Let it go, because the past has been dated

Now pardon me of my faults in the fall of me
Dignity placed in all we see
Drawn from a source of what we can’t force
A loving trace of a crimson course
Of course, no remorse in

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

The reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness






In the last couple years I have been tested in the area of forgiveness.   Tested to the core.


True forgiveness costs the giver everything, but the reward of that obedience is worth so much more.  I have seen that lived out by a dear friend in a magnificent way over the last couple years. 


Still, it is a struggle for me.  
 Forgiveness is not divine amnesia.   The injustice remains unjust.  The victim is still victimized.  The lies are still lies.  The slander is still echoing.  The smoke of deception  is still billowing.   The ripple effects of  sin are still devastating.  
Nothing has changed. 
but...
everything has changed.   
"The damage is done, the scars still remain
But I gained wisdom and strength
So I declare the victory is won"

The victory is won because the victory is His.  He WILL be glorified despite the mockery of his grace.   He is already being glorified despite and because of it.

Forgiveness is releasing the hurt, the offense, and the wound to the only One to knows exactly what grace truly costs. 


Offense, unforgiveness, and bitterness are traps  that lure and entice but  they are a trap carefully set for us by the enemy.
They become a cancer that spreads through the mind, body and spirit.  
 I choose life.  Life to the full.  I choose freedom, 
even when my pride, my knowledge, my agony  for those I love, and  my sense of justice cry out  for vindication. 
 I realize that the "my" in this sentence is misplaced.   
What God is doing has very little to do with me...
 other than teaching me how to forgive when faced with the most disturbing reality.
   
For years  have prayed to know the heart of Jesus more clearly.  This is  his heart.  


"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."


Would I die for people who hate me?
While we were still God haters, He died for us.
  It's hard enough to die to my own pride never mind actually die physically for someone who despises me  or lies about me.  


Forgiveness is costly. Especially while you are still being hurt and rejected.   Bitterness is easy.


I can show respect.   I can choose to bless those who curse me.    I can love only through the grace of Christ living in me.
Forgiveness does not mean that it doesn't matter.  Forgiveness does not mean that it doesn't hurt.  Forgiveness does not mean a complete absence of consequences and boundaries.  Forgiveness does not mean that destroying people,  betraying trust,  hurting children, or tearing apart families is ok.    It's not.  
God knows how wrong it is.
No matter how seemingly small or how blatantly horrific....our sin matters so much that it put Jesus on the cross to carry the weight of it.  
Grace understands the full extent of the violation, looks it in the eye, and offers forgiveness that isn't earned or deserved.


Our forgiveness of someone does not require an apology or repentance from the offender.  It would bring further restoration and healing but sometimes that never comes.  Sometimes they continue to deceive right to the end of their phony life, or speak slander on their deathbed.    We can't wait for an apology to be obedient to God's command to forgive.  He not only commands us to do it, but he does it himself. 


Can I forgive even without an honest resolution, without witnessing repentance, or without an end to the mess in sight? 
Not without Christ I can't.    Not if don't daily seek him, focus on Him, release it to him, and learn to love others through Him.    
So often I slip and am tempted to bitterness.
Then I am humbled again by my own unforgiveness and again I seek the grace of my Father.


Until we are faced with  injustice, rejection,  and betrayal ourselves it is easy to simplify the forgiveness God offers us.
It is easy to forget the enormous cost at which it was made ours.
Only in Him are we made good.  Our God does not overlook, close his eyes, or pretend we are good when we are all wrong.
Only through the cross of Christ the unholy is made holy.  


When it comes to forgiving someone who has hurt you  (or hurt people you love) praying is key.   If the person or people are still alive praying unselfishly for the person who is the object of your offense or the source of your wound is essential.   It is so hard.  I don't say that without struggling through this on many occasions myself.  Sometimes even the name of the person gets caught in your  throat as you work through your own emotions and hurt.   God will meet you there.   Little by little as you pray for, intercede for, and pray blessings on that person your heart will begin to change....even when that person does not.  You will begin to see that person through God's eyes instead of the eyes of your own hurt. 

After all, we do not battle against flesh and blood.  When we pray we engage as warriors in a battle that cannot be fought in the flesh.  That is where the battle is won.  That is where we already have the victory.  That is where the sinners chains are loosened,  the blind folds are removed and broken hearts are mended.  I am learning so much more about prayer and fasting this year.


God is working even when we don't see it.  I am learning to trust in a new way. I can trust him with the "wrongness" and the injustice as I learn to humble myself, pray, and forgive. 


Nothing we do or don't do, acknowledge or refuse to acknowledge, forgive or refuse to forgive will be taken to the grave with you.  Our choices live on past us.   The hurt that is caused can ripple on for generations  OR it can be given over to our healer, our savior and used for his glory for generations to come.   

Sisters

I love my girls!

I love how much they love each other.

Watching their unique bond develop makes me smile. 

They absolutely ADORE each other.  Aili is a little mother ( a perkier, sillier version of the big mom) and such a diligent set of extra hands.  I used to joke that I needed two of me in order to get everything done in a day. I may have gotten my wish.  Some days that resemblance is a little disturbing.  She is definitely her own person but I am very much enjoying this stage of our relationship. 

I am so proud of both my girls.

One is my loyal helper and mini-me.   The other keeps us all entertained  with her efforts to be like one of the big kids.  

I didn't know what to expect with their relationship at this point with a 9 year age difference.  Aili isn't usually a baby crazy girl....unlike her mama at that age.  She rarely ever played with baby dolls. She didn't show a whole lot of interest in the useless, squawking newborns, or the barfing drooling infants.   As Cece began to interact more she captured her big sisters attention and heart.  They are inseparable and spend every waking hour together. 

Aili pointed out to me today that when Cece is her age Aili will be 18.  

wow

Our family has changed so much in the last decade.

Thinking about what our family will look like in another 9 years makes me want to laugh, throw up,  and cry at the same time.

Aili will be off on life's adventures somewhere.

Silas will be charging through adolescence.

Cece will be my 9 year old big girl helper.

Roman will be getting his drivers licence.  (if I let him)  YIKES!

Actually beyond those visions I have no idea what our family will look like in 9 years. 

It is fun to think about but it makes me want to treasure this short season all the more.

After all it really doesn't feel that long ago that I was Aili's age doting on my own baby brother.  

crazy!

Time goes by so fast ...and in reality none of us are promised tomorrow. 

So I will cherish this moment.

Even if this short season includes a LOT of laundry and a lot of dishes.

4 kids makes for a lot of work but there are also 8 extra little hands to help.

 ( the tiny chubby ones are still in training)

Not only does Miss Cece idolize her big sister but adores everything about her Daddy...especially his accessories.

"Dad" and "hat" are still her only two words.  No "mama" yet.  Not for lack of coaxing on my part.

Undaunted

un·daunt·ed/ˌənˈdôntid/

Adjective: Not intimidated or discouraged by difficulty, danger, or disappointment. 

"It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator - 
the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen;
the next step in your duty...
  It takes far more of the grace of God, far more conscious drawing upon God to take that step, than it does to preach the  Gospel."

"Every Christian has to partake of what was the essence of the Incarnation, he must bring the thing down into flesh and blood actualities and work it out through the finger tips.  "

"We flag when there is no vision, no uplift, but just the common round, the trivial task.  

The thing that tells in the long run for God and for men is the steady persevering work in the unseen, and the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God.  "

"Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you. "


"Drudgery is one of the finest touchstones of character there is.  Drudgery is work that is very far removed from anything to do with ideal- the utterly mean grubby things; and when we come in contact with them we know instantly whether or not we are spiritually real.  


"Undaunted radiance is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can alter"
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Craving Spring

This is what my house looks like most of the time.

I forgot how much mess a toddler makes.  All the big obnoxious toddler toys have been pulled out of storage in an attempt to keep little miss destruction happily entertained.

  We have baby toys, toddler toys, big kid toys, school books, craft stuff, Barbies,  and legos strewn about various locations in our home.  The trick lately is to keep the big kid little toys out of the mouth of our human vacuum.   I've actually seen Miss Cece crawl along the floor slowing down only slightly in order to lick a tasty morsel  up off of the floor.  She's such an efficient floor cleaner she barely even breaks stride.

Only a few months ago I ALWAYS had things tidied up by bed time.  Everyone is expected to clean up their mess.  Unfortunately the biggest mess maker is incapable of tidying up. 

Lately I have actually resorted to kicking a path through the toys on my way to bed.

Justifying that they'll all be out again first thing in the morning anyway.

Because a mom can only survive this sort of mess and noise for so long...

play time moves outside at some point. 

It's still cold.  Really cold.

As you can see we are many weeks,  a lot of puddles and a yard full of mud away from spring tulips.

Oh, green grass how I miss you.

 The snow is beautiful  in it's own way but after several months my eyes crave color. 

My lungs crave fresh air that doesn't make tiny icicles in my nostrils.  

My cracked skin craves humidity.

My mind craves children who play outside for more than 20 minutes at a time.

 Irony.

This is the trailer that we were living in all last winter.

Parked in the Mexican sun.

The trailer that we park at a lake and make summer memories in.

Got hot chocolate?