Facing my Fears

There are few things in life that I'm really afraid of.  

I hold my life and those I love peacefully under God's sovereign care as we travel through life....

but there is something that makes my skin crawl and my chest fill with anxiety.

Creepy crawlies.

I'm not a bug lover and the kind I despise the most are teeny tiny and bite.

In the past, we have dealt with occasional flea bites in Baja but this time we experienced them in a much more intimate way.   I suspect part of the reason was that we weren't living on a  mission compound this time.  A couple years ago, the orphanage kids we were in day to day contact with were clean and parasite free. 

This time we rented a house in town.  Our home was surrounded by dogs, chickens and roosters.  Our arms and home was opened to children who have never seen a shower or a bathtub, children who washed their hands in our toilet and pooped in the yard.   

My slightly ocd, parasite phobic  little self was stretched.   

As people and children came and went from our home, as we walked down the dusty streets, little sand fleas would jump up and attach to our pant legs...usually unseen by us.  Once the nasty little critter found it's way into the house it feasted on our flesh.  Only Aili and I reacted to the bites.  One tiny flea can munch, unnoticed, on a child all night and the burning itch that results is intensely miserable.  At one point Aili had about 70 bites all over her body.  She was such a trooper though.  It was misery but she didn't complain about her living situation or plight.  Not even once did she beg to go home.   She continued to embrace this place and her friends here.  

We did try to use some precautions and wage war on them but in the end we just accepted it as cost of doing business.  

Another creepy crawly that I decided I had no choice but to call a truce with  is lice. 

Just the thought sends me into horror and panic mode.  My oldest daughter has a ridiculous amount of hair....it would take days to nit comb through all of it!  It's the stuff nightmares are made of.

By some miraculous hand of fortune we didn't become hosts to these little fellas but we did hang out with some beautiful heads full of them.  

I fully expected us all to get head lice at some point.  I even chopped my kids hair shorter to make it easier to treat when the situation arose.  My kids got tired of me scrutinizing their hair every evening.

One Sunday afternoon, while I snuggled on my couch with a stunningly beautiful little girl, I came face to face with the reality of my own sinful pride and fear.   Every one of my senses screamed at me to gently move this child off of my lap and out of my house.  Then I could sterilize my home and shut the gate.  I could light a few Christmas candles to mask the eye watering smell of stale urine and a little bottom that had not seen a bathtub in a long time...but instead I held her...ashamed of the disgust rising in my throat.

I looked down at her hair where white grains of rice clung in clusters to each strand contrasted against the black matted locks.  Her head pressed up against my shoulder, her hair sticky against my cheek.  A small grey creature crawled along the top of her head.  I inconspicuously picked it up between my thumb and finger, squished it and dropped it on the floor.   A moment later I felt something tickling my chest.  Not sure if it was just paranoia at that point I looked down to find another one crawling it's way up my neck.  It joined the fate of the other.  I held my girl a little closer.  

I was face to face with my fear. 

Seriously, these are things my nightmares are made of!

In that moment I heard a verse echo in my memory.

1 John 4:18 " There is no fear in love, But perfect love drives out fear..." The next couple verses also go on to say that if we claim to love God but we don't love our brother we're liars.   God's love has a long way to go in me if a few tiny bugs can separate me from a child who needs to be held. 

If she was mine, I would have bathed her and dressed her up all pretty but that day I couldn't.  She had come in her best dress, her hair put up in rubber bands, she was so proud.  She felt pretty. 

What I felt was ugly.  

I wanted to see her like Jesus does. I don't want to be afraid.  I prayed to the Holy Spirit to break me a little more.  

This little girl doesn't know a day without her head itching.  She probably never will. 

If loving her means that my head becomes a dinner party for little critters for a couple weeks...big deal.  

Jesus faced a lot more than fleas and lice to love me.  

He entered into the stench of the human race to welcome us into His home. 

That alone is what enables His love to flow through me.  On my own...I would have satisfied a "good deed" list with something less itchy.

Maybe that's what sparked the "What DID Jesus do?" question in my mind.  

It's hard to fear what we have chosen to love.

WWJD?

Most of you have seen that abbreviation for "What would Jesus Do?".  It was a bit of a craze among Christian marketers a while back.  I avoided it, not because I thought something was fundamentally wrong with the slogan, but because of my aversion to all things trite, neatly packaged and just plain lame.  It just never seemed to fit right.

For some reason the WWJD slogan popped into my brain the other day.  Once trapped in my head I started to ponder it in my overly analytical geeky way.  So this is the summary of my very obscure topic and random thought process.

Asking ourselves "What would Jesus do?" isn't so much wrong as it is painfully incomplete.  We may as well ask ourselves what would Gandhi do?  What would Mother Theresa do?  What would Oprah do?  Then we could pull ourselves up by the boot straps, give ourselves a good moral lecture,  try our darndest to  figure out what Jesus would hypothetically do in our situation and then attempt to copy it.


All it does is encourage us to be Jesus fans, not actual followers (or dorks wearing lame bracelets).   Jesus wasn't just a good example to follow for positive moral lessons, or sent to "improve our image of God" (as if God has a PR problem).....he was sent on a rescue mission.  God's law shows us how desperately far we are from him, the gospel shows us how far God is willing to go to reach us.   Jesus isn't a moral formula to decipher.

Perhaps a better question would be "What DID Jesus do?"  ....followed by "What does Jesus still do?"

When we are completely saturated with, overwhelmed under, and transformed by what Jesus DID... that changes what we do...or more accurately WHO we are.  Out of the transformation of who we are, what we do comes naturally....or as naturally as it ever can in this life.

We have been buried and resurrected with him, given the transforming power of the Holy Spirit,  and are being made new...through that same gospel by which we were saved.   We don't trade it in at the door for white knuckled hypothetical moral guessing.

The gospel isn't just something we believe in order to be saved.  It isn't a creed to hang our hats on.  It is something that lives in us, through us, and empowers us.  Continually.

So the next time I am temped to coddle life sucking resentment  and bitterness because someone sabotaged my hopes,  lied about me, slandered me, wounded someone I love, or treated me unjustly.......I will ask myself "What did Jesus do?"


There's nothing hypothetical in it.
He forgave me. In fact, while I was still vying for HIS throne, he left it to pursue me.  He loved me. He served me...not because I deserved anything less than to carry the weight of my own sin...but because of his incredible grace.  In that place of broken, eyes wide open, humility and gratitude...how can I not do the same with my enemies?

The next time I am tempted to live a life of passive complacency and people pleasing idolatry I will remind myself  "What did Jesus do?"  

He defeated death and our sin.   The battle is won.  It is finished.  He came for us!  How can I not proclaim that passionately?

The next time I am tempted to choose self preservation, comfort, and safety over sacrificial, radical love....you guessed it.. "What DID Jesus do?"


The God of the universe who commands the armies of angels... made himself an embryo whose sole purpose was to grow up, suffer, and die.  I could go on from there...but you get the point.


So instead of asking myself  "What would Jesus do?" in life's tricky, messy, sometimes wretched dilemmas, (most of us would mess it up, or just plain guess wrong anyhow).....I'm just going to keep preaching the gospel to myself.

The only worthwhile answer to WWJD question would be....rely completely upon the Holy Spirit, as he voluntarily submitted himself to the will of the Father, to the glory of God and the good of all mankind.  

Because of that truth, I can celebrate the perfect sufficiency of Christ,  rest in his grace, lean on his power, kneel before his forgiveness, submit to his will,  trusting that HE will make me new.    God is going to do what he delights in doing most in a heart that is continually surrendered to him.  Even if I don't wear the bracelet.

Homeward bound

This is just a quick summary of our 5 day journey from Baja home to Canada.  We left the our  little beach house in San Felipe (after spending 2 days in paradise) early on Jan. 2. 

I had my last breakfast on the patio and the kids loaded all their sea treasures into plastic bags.

We drove north toward the U.S border along the east coast of the Baja Penninsula.

We eventually found our way through Mexicali and into the U.S.  Free bit of advice: It's usually a good idea to get in the right line...

From Calexico we drove straight up through the east side of California, the Mohave desert.  We had driven across it before but never up through it length wise.  

There was a whole lot of nothing...nothing but fascinating desert scenery anyhow.

It was like it's own little world out there.  I felt like we were in the Pixar Cars movie and were headed down route 66 to places time had forgotten. 

We pointed out cotton fields to our kids.  Now they know where their clothes come from. 

Our car started making bad noises toward the end of the first day.   We had noticed some glichy things happening but figured we'd get them checked once we got home.   It became apparent that we would need to stop before Las Vegas and find a garage.   We tried to make it to Boulder City but after driving in the middle of the wilderness, in the dark, with our car sounding like it was about to fall apart under us, we stopped in Needles California.   Luckily, we found a decent motel in the little town and the next day we limped our way a few miles to Bullhead City Arizona.  

This garage was great.  Very helpful, good service and quite sympathetic to our plight of being homeless vagabonds without a car or cell phone.  We killed about 6 hours, with four children, in a few stores nearby but then found out that the part didn't arrive and it wouldn't be ready until the next morning.

As it turns out two of our wheels were close to coming right off!  Out came the credit card.

We used their phone to call a taxi and find a hotel.  Loaded our crew and luggage into a taxi and gave him the address of a hotel that had a "suite" (we are too many people for one room)

A couple hours of waiting, fighting, and entertaining kids in a hotel lobby later we had a room...actually two rooms. 

Where we stayed the rest of the day, and the night, and half of the next day.

What does a person do with 4 kids in a really cruddy hotel room, in the middle of nowhere, with no car and not so much as a fast food restaurant within walking distance?

TV

(This kind of stress could lead to heavy drinking.)

Pizza delivery for supper, untoasted Poptarts from the gas station across the street for breakfast.  Good stuff.

We are not picky people when it comes to hotels or vacations spots....but this place had me irritated and it was stupid expensive.  Like no hotel we'd ever been to.  For more on our experience check out my trip advisory rating.  I've never left a rating before and certainly have never been ticked off enough to leave a bad one.  I wish we would have had the choice and ability to check the rating before we checked in.  Apparently we aren't the only ones that hated this place.   We maybe should have guessed something was amiss when we were the only ones staying there. 200 rooms and 2 cars in the parking lot.

FINALLY,

we were on the road again.   We made it to Las Vegas and were relieved to be back on the highway....that is until I rolled down a window and it wouldn't go back up.  Wouldn't budge at all.  We tried again and again. 

That's when my sweet husband just about lost his mind.   Fortunately he didn't direct his frustration at me...the car door, however, should consider itself lucky it didn't get ripped off and left in the desert.  He couldn't get to it, so it seemed  we'd be looking for another garage and handing them our credit card again.  

I said a silent desperate prayer.  

The window went up.  Like nothing had even happened. 

Sigh of relief and a thankyou.  

No one touched the windows the rest of the trip.

Back on the open road, with  

kids entertaining themselves happily in the back.  

Two more nights of hotels,  1 episode of vomit (the day I forgot to give kids Dramamine for breakfast) , and a bunch of movies later, we were home.

Home sweet home...

or in our case "home, freeze my butt off ,home".

The windchill today was -46 degrees Celcius out here in the sticks.  

I miss my flip flops already.

It did feel heavenly to sleep in my own bed after 6 weeks of motels, and "junk for Jesus" donated missionary beds.  

Now to process this amazing journey...

Introducing my newest big kid

It's official now.  My baby has crossed the threshold into big kid-ness.  Next comes big bucky teeth, deodorant and acne...well maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.  Seriously though, they seem to grow up really fast after 5.  It makes my heart squeeze a little thinking that my last tummy baby is now a big kid.  For the record no one asked my permission to grow up around here.  (Although I do, on many occasions, implore this child to act like a "big boy").   

sigh.

There are perks to older kids.  I'm hoping some of those start to materialize in this child.  

I love this boy! 

He's quirky, obsessive focused, silly, and smart.   

Our family detail guy.  He notices everything but still can't figure out how to smile for the camera.

Have you ever seen Big Bang theory?  Smile Sheldon.

Silas LOVES having a birthday.  He has been obsessing about it for exactly 364 days now.  

He's been counting down the number of nights for the past 2 weeks.  Every morning he wakes up and states "yesterday there was 4 nights left, but I just slept, so now there's only 3".

Happy Birthday Sy Fry.

I really out did myself this year on the cake eh?

Last year my resolution was to stop being flaky with my kids birthday cakes and parties.  I rocked the cakes last year.  Sponge Bob, Little Miss Sunshine, a campfire, and a poodle skirt doll.  This year I made no such resolution....in fact I feel the need to reset the bar nice and low.  How will they be thrilled with excellence if they don't experience mediocrity on occasion?  

I actually had slightly better plans for the cake for our "Batman" party but forgot to buy icing sugar (back to being flaky) and being that we live 30 miles from town and we got storm stuck at home this weekend....I was forced to be resourceful. 

Marshmallows it is.

This sugar fanatic thought it was great.

Hot dogs balanced out the nutritious meal.

We had 4 of his little friends over for a few hours to celebrate with us.  

He wanted to finish off the day doing "school work".  This guy is ready and eager to learn.  He constantly comes to me with questions about words.  

Mom are there two kinds of "free"?

Mom, are there three kinds of "two"?

"Mom, did you know that there are two kinds of "night"?

Happy 5th Birthday my sweet boy!!

Life School - Marine Biology 101

Now that we're back into our typical "school" year,  I thought I'd show you a glimpse of our nontraditional education by reminiscing through an afternoon at Percebu.  While we were at San Felipe for a couple days it was suggested by some locals that we take a 20 minute drive south to a beach.  

A middle of nowhere, off the grid, beach with a little settlement of houses (I suspect mostly built by retired American adventurers).

The fun part is, the tide goes out really far here revealing an incredible tide pool ecosystem.

The kids scavenged for shells, examining the various invertebrates washed up in the barnacle covered rocks.

We did have some fun with the vertebrates as well. 

 

It felt like we were the only humans for miles exploring our own little marine wonderland. 

We left our school books at home while we were in Mexico for 6 weeks.  Initially, I felt the usual home school mom guilt for neglecting our grammar and math, but now I know they learned more this month than they will the rest of the school year combined ...

and we just happened to make some amazing memories in the process. 

Percebu, we love you.