It happens in so many ways , sometimes by choice and sometimes it happens without our approval leaving us struggling to re balance ourselves. Sometimes it is being forced to look for a new job, sometimes its an unplanned new family member, sometimes its relocating to a new town. Its adjusting to new seasons of life. I feel in some subtle ways we (my hubby and I)are in a new season of life. Even though for a while now I feel like I have gotten used to the change or am over it , grieving what was lost or left behind still comes back to haunt me a little.
My change has come in the form of changing social relationships. Families we were once close friends to...are not families anymore...and have become estranged acquaintances. A close circle of young couples that used to meet once a week to study the Bible and share our lives no longer meet and have for the most part gone their separate ways. I don't know if its the intimacy shared that I miss or the security of being surrounded by people that I miss. I am still friends with these couples but it has changed to more of a casual almost acquantanceship, where we pass brief greetings and pleasantries on our way to chase our own lives.
For some reason I find that this week I am struggling to accept this subtle yet obvious change. I realize that people move on, our family priorities change, and people grow apart...and that sometimes God brings people into your life for a certain season for a specific reason and I am thankful for that.
I think maybe He is thrusting me out and forcing me to stand on my own two feet a bit more , preparing me for the future and making me face my own ugly insecurities.
There I said it. My biggest fear in this struggle is the fear that my insecurity is starting to surface. I hate that! You have heard about people being in touch with their "inner child" well I try to stay out of touch with my inner "junior higher"...who by the way is a dorky girl with glasses and braces trying her hardest to fit in. I intensely dislike everything that girl represents and frankly resent the fact that she makes an appearance every once in a while. I try to keep my inner junior higher under cover, under the radar and out of my life...but she is there just the same. And I am finding out she may always be.
For most of my adult life I have been surrounded by, whether in Washington or here in Canada, a group of close friends. Friends who don't care if your house is messy, friends you go camping with and hang out with and I have treasured that. But I am realizing more that in life there will be those friends who you can call anytime, share any burden and go through all the seasons of life with , no insecurity involved....and then there are those who come for a time, are fun to be around and then we kind of drift apart..and thats ok too.
The hard part is figuring out who is who, and the dissapointment that comes when you view people as the first catagory and they turn out to be the second for various reasons. Thats when that ugly junior higher starts to sneak in....she wants to morph into whoever she thinks is cooler at the time and desperately thinks of ways to keep her status as an insider. Man ,I hated junior high. I am doing my best to deny those age old insecurities and stay myself...even if that means wearing my heart on my sleeve and a tendency to talk to much. I do strive to improve , mature and grow...but it can't be with the purpose of impressing other people. Take it or leave it because I am learning to stand on my own two feet while at the same time cherishing and investing into friends who love me for who I am....dirty windows and all. Thankfully my husband is one of those people :)
Well there is my laundry once again hung out for all to see. Why am I blogging all this stuff? Good question , I ask myself that all the time. First of all I hate journaling with a pen and paper....but I love writing. Its a creative outlet for me and helps me sort out my thougts....and I guess that for me is best done outloud (maybe I'm a bit of an exibitionist after all).
I also think that ,although we may feel like it sometimes, we are not alone in our struggles, in our humanity and in our insecurities. My guess is that some other people that read this will be keenly aware of their own inner junior higher.....and will be surprised that someone else has one too. I think knowing that someone else has thrown and shattered a dish in a point of weakness and frustration....might just make us all feel a little more "normal". It wasn't a good dish...just an everyday Corel .....hypothetically speaking of course.
Another reason I am blogging is that I am a pathetic recorder of my childrens special moments, adorable sayings and milestones....and while I'm confessing....gulp....I don't scrap book. I've tried but I'm really not that good with a pair of scissors. So this will be kind of an ongoing record of those precious moments that are flying by all too quickly.
You have reached the end of yet another ramble by Carla, congratulations on your perseverance! Stay tuned ,in another year when we are living at a Mexican orphanage I might actually have something interesting to write about :) Until then you'll have to put up with my ridiculous rambles about nothing inparticular.