Official Family Christmas letter
Dear friends far and wide,
may those who live far stay near to our hearts, and those who are wide lose some of their girth.
Blessings to you this Christmas.
This year has been a spectacular one. We have a minimum amount of vomit to report, and the police have never once arrived to investigate the strange noises that come from our home.
I (the mom) have managed to keep the children alive another year. That is no small task and requires constantly saving children from their own stupidity. I have hope that the constant nagging, reminding, and restating things I've said a million times may have penetrated some skulls. I have found a new hobby this year as well. I have discovered the joy of long hot showers without children peaking through the curtain, or joining me. It's a blessed experience and one that I hope I will be able to keep up with as the years go by. My accomplishment this year is that I have had no crying in my closet, while clinging to a bottle of wine, episodes while trying to homeschool my brilliant children. I believe we have turned a corner and may survive.
Eldest Daughter is a prodigy. In fact we're placing all our bets and hope for family honour on this one. She spends most of her time doing good deeds, and helping the poor. She is a very talented basket weaver, and has great potential as a Drill Sargent. We have high hopes that she will also make it into a community college someday and be a catalyst for world peace.
Eldest Son broke a record this year for the most words spoken in one year. He also had special recognition for the sheer volume of nonsense words used. We are currently in negotiations with our energy company and are in the final stages of a plan to harvest his gratuitous amount of kinetic energy. We are confident that we will not only be able to power our own home, but most of North America. We have a patent for this new energy source and we have Al Gore lined up to be the bearer of good news. It seems that this child may be useful to us after all.
Son Two joined our family this year through adoption. He has begun to come to terms with the reality that he must be associated with us, and that embarrassment will be his new lot in life. His hobbies are collecting air-miles, and making escape plans. We have set up a foundation to fund his future therapy.
Son Three is excelling in a variety of activities. He is a star at playing Mine Craft and has quite a collection of homes, chickens, and cows on his estate. We are very proud of his achievements. We had always hoped that one of our children would be a rancher. We know his tenacity will pay off one day, and that his cunning intelligence will be a great asset in the penatentiary system.
Youngest Daughter is a perfect little princess who can do no wrong. We are very proud that she earned an international award for highest decibel achieved by a human voice. We all now have profound hearing loss but have decided that this is a blessing in disguise. We have had to have her de-clawed and so far this has been an excellent solution to violent outbursts.
The Dad of the home is still trying to figure out how he ended up with five kids. He continues to work hard, bring home the bacon, and eat most of it too. His current hobbies are shovelling snow, driving kids to their various activities, and changing light bulbs.
As another year draws to a close, those of us who are able to count past five, count our many blessings.
We hope that your home and family is blessed this year, but just only just blessed enough that you still feel envious of ours.