I'm hibernating

Winter makes me a hermit.  That and the fact that I'm somewhat anti-social.  Other than my natural hermit tendencies I am hibernating  because I hate the cold.  When you live in the boonies going anywhere involves a lot of driving, which involves digging, and plugging in a block heater, and cold hands and cold carseats...

I prefer to remain indoors where my handy boy scout husband knows how to start a fire with a blow torch. 

Even though I am an inside girl, this son of mine is an outside boy.  He is adjusting to wearing clothing again.

It has been so COLD (-20 to -30 celcius) that going outside is not very appealing for any of us.
For the sake of maintaining sanity (both mine and his) and burning some energy (his) outside of my house he now has regular outside chores.  He does a LOT of shoveling...the driveway, the steps, the trampoline....and all his snow forts.  He is a digging machine.  Maybe I should start renting him out.

Roman likes to feel like a man doing manly jobs..not that us Canadian women don't shovel snow or lug fire wood.  This is probably Roman's favorite chore.  It involves many trips carrying arm loads of wood through waste deep snow drifts and then lugging it all down the stairs.   Having him do the heavy work outside is the only thing that keeps us all sane  and my house from being systematically destroyed by his superfluous energy

I must admit I am already dreaming of  summer when the kids spend 10 hours a day outside.  Cabin fever seems to be setting in. 

reminiscing and missing

This was my family 2 years ago at Silas' 2nd birthday party.   I'm still missing the sweet little boy on the right.
How, after 2 years , can my heart still break and tears still occasionally come to my eyes?  I've had kids longer, I've fallen in love with and said goodbye to babies...but this boy won't let me go.  Shouldn't I be "over him" by now?
It's not like I'm overcome by grief  or thoughts of this boy are constant...but like any kind of loss it comes like little unexpected waves, and memories.
He  crosses my mind almost daily lately.  Maybe because my little miss Cece is growing into toddlerhood and reminding me of him. They have similar racial heritage which might explain some similarities.   Maybe it's because the winter we had him (winter before last) was the last winter we spent  in Canada.  Cold weather, ice skating and playing in the snow are all bring back memories.  I pray for him each time he comes to mind...sometimes thats the middle of the night.  I think God brings him to my heart for a reason.  I know he needs prayer and if thats the only way I can love him then I'm ok with the hauntings.
Fostering is a strangely wonderful yet heartbreaking experience.  First you are handed a perfect little stranger.  You are reminded that he does not belong to you but to the powers that be.  Then you are told to love this child as if he is your own.  As your loving actions precede any sort of loving feelings you start to realize that you are slowly but surely falling for this little stranger.   At some point you are shocked to realize that your heart is completely overtaken and you have fallen into crazy mommy love.  That run in front of a moving bus, fight a bear kind of love.  Next you are forced to pack a suit case, say a quick goodbye and never hear from, or see that child again.  In my case not even know where that child is going.  You will not be allowed to know what became of them.
It's messed up.
It's so broken,
but I guess so is this world we live in.  At the end of the day, I'd do it again...and again if thats what God has for us.  I know that I can be taken to the end of myself and survive.  Each time my heart breaks with loss, each time I love someone who seems unlovable ,I better understand the heart of God and  I become broken in a good way.

 This little guy would be 31/2 now.  I bet he's a big boy.   At a year old he was wearing size 3.
These two boys were both buddies and adversaries vying for mommy's affections.  Kade boy was so affectionate, snuggly and wanted to be where ever I was, doing whatever I was doing.  I spent hours rocking, snuggling and smooching on that boy.  Maybe thats why he was so easy to fall in love with.  He was a boy that needed a mama.

I just hope and pray that he got one.  One that loves him even more than I do.

"Pick your battles"

That is a very common phrase quoted by mothers everywhere.  Including ,on occasion, myself.  I have heard those words or some combination of them a lot in recent years.  Maybe because most people I know are also parents who are are overwhelmed, busy and too tired to do battle with their kids.  I know I feel like that most days.
I was thinking about this "I'm picking my battles" line today.

What issues and behaviors in our children should we "battle" and which ones should we avoid bringing to a head to head war?
Every decision, every choice, every minute of the day cannot be a constant battle of wills.  That will NOT work.  Strong willed children will see it as a challenge and compliant ones will get even eventually in more passive aggressive ways or outright rebellion in later years.

That being said...
As parents we must expect and hold our children accountable to a certain standard of behavior.   If we expect nothing from them they will give us exactly that.
Peace at any cost will cost us our children in the end.   Appeasing tantrums, whining, selfishness and disrespect with rewards (even the reward of gum or juice) will  prove unpleasant in the long run...even disastrous.  I know this from experience as an imperfect, sometimes lazy mom who  would rather pretend I don't see or hear it than actually DEAL with it.

I am writing down a few of the battles that I feel are important for parents to fight and eventually win.  Things that are the foundation of good character, social function and integrity.  There are probably more but these are the ones that come to mind and seem to be tragically lacking in this generation of children.
By "battle" I don't mean screaming matches, combat, verbal, phsyical or emotional abuse of any sort.    I mean consistent expectations and consequences,  patient teaching and training.



Battle #1
RESPECT: Respect for us as parents, for authority, for teachers for anyone put in a position of leadership over them (actually for anyone...even the dog).  A standard of respect and honor should be evident in how they speak to us, answer us, and relate to us in general.   This does not for a second mean that they should fear us, feel they need to hide things from us, or never respectfully question us.
 We should also model a standard of respect in how we relate to our children.  Belittling, putting down, name calling...not respect.
So, when your child screams in your face, disregards you, ignores you, smacks you, rolls their eyes or makes some other gesture of disrespect PLEASE parents expect better.  You deserve better.  Teach them how to treat you!   If you don't teach them respect...they won't learn to treat anyone else in their life with honor, respect or esteem.  Hold up a standard.  If they don't meet it correct them, make life uncomfortable for them until they learn it.  Be consistent.  Expect it and correct it every time.  If they are being rude to other authority, teachers,  family members or peers this should never be overlooked for the sake of "picking my battles" or even worse defended.  It should be dealt with.  Respect for others also includes the property of others.

Battle #2
HONESTY:
Lying, cheating, being sneaky.    This is not one of those areas we as parents can shrug off, laugh off or ignore.  There is a learning curve and for a young pre-schooler the difference between fantasy and reality is fairly blurred.   I never scold my child for making up wild imaginative tales  or "stories" that are  a natural part of child hood....they love to talk about their pet dinosaurs, Superheros and space aliens.
When it is a problem  is blatant denial of wrong doing.  You know when they are lying.  Call them on it.  If you don't know if they are lying..outsmart them and persist until you get the truth from them or figure it out for yourself.   Never let them succeed in deceit.  Praise them when they are honest.   Have consistent consequences for lying no matter how big or small.   The habit of lying starts small and grows until it's a life style.   (Never teach your child to lie to cover your own butt!...wrong on so many levels).   This leads into battle number 3.

Battle #3
RESPONSIBILITY:
We need to teach our children responsibility for their actions or lack of actions.  When they screw up, make a mistake or blatantly do something they know they shouldn't do they need to OWN IT.   Admit , confess, and ask for forgiveness.  Expect an  "I'm sorry".  Not a be-grudging , I don't want a consequence , sorry but a genuine remorse and willingness to do what it takes to make it right again.   Lying, making excuses, blaming someone else are all signs of a child that is not taking responsibility for their own actions.   This is hard for most adults to do, including myself, but it is a standard we can instill at a young age.   We should always be sensitive and seek to understand the motives behind the action and who actually is at fault.   If we jump to harsh conclusions too quickly we will be doing more harm than good.
There are more aspects of responsibility that we should teach and expect at an age appropriate level.

Battle #4
COURTESY:  
This could also fall under respect.   This speaks not only to a following of societal rules for ettiquite and poise but more to the attitude of the heart.   Being expected to ask for something in a respectful way "May I have some water please"..(or something of the sort) teaches a child that you are not his servant and the world does NOT owe him anything.   When a child whines, demands, shrieks, grunts or mumbles commands, not only is it a sign of disrespect, but also of them viewing themselves as the center of the universe.   I am more worried about the condition of my childrens hearts than about putting on a show but consistent expectations of   courtesy trains their little hearts to ask for what they need graciously  and to receive gratefully.   When we choose to not pick this battle we are not doing ourselves, our children or society in general any favors.  As humans we are naturally self preserving and self focused.  We need to teach our children to be aware of the needs others and to show kindness.  This may be something simple like  holding a door open for someone  or offering the last cookie to someone else.

Battle #5
OBEDIENCE:
This does not refer to a control freak parent on a power trip "jump when I say jump..just to prove that I can control you"  scenario.   I hate to break it to you but you cannot ultimately control your children.  You can teach their little hearts , provide an example, hold up a standard and enforce it with consequences but at the end of the day it comes down to them.
Obedience involves trust.  I obey God because I trust him even when I don't always understand.
 Our children need to learn to trust our knowledge,  our decisions, and that we have their best interest at heart.  If we don't have their best interest at heart but rather our own selfishness when we tell them to do something....thats something we as parents need to evaluate.  Sometimes loving them best means being the "bad guy".


You may get the impression that I have picture perfect children and I am some sort of parenting guru by the content of this post.  Neither is true by a long stretch.
I will roll up my sleeves, get my feet dirty and otherwise immerse myself in the battle to teach and train my children into adults of strong character and values....but they will still disappoint me sometimes,  they will most definitely embarrass me, and they will make a mess of things quite often.   They are sinners in need of grace just as much as I am.   That is where grace plays into our parenting.  It will take persistence, patience and a lot of prayer.    Ultimately we have to trust God with our feeble efforts and allow him to make up for the areas we lack.
One of the best ways to instill these virtues in our children is to genuinely model them ourselves.  Our kids can smell a hypocrite a mile away!

Kids are all so different.  Some are naturally honest.  Some have a natural inclination to lie.   Some kids are naturally empathetic while others need a lot of help to learn it.   Some are easily persuaded.  Some have very strong opinions.   Keep at it!
This parenting stuff is hard work!   It isn't always cut and dry or black and white.   It is complex and it changes constantly.   It takes sensitivity, understanding, intuition, tough love, compassion, boundaries, and grace all rolled up together.

Words I frequently say to my children are "I love you too much to allow you to......(act disrespectfully, lie etc)".  That and "I'm sorry...will you please forgive me".  Even us moms need to "own it" once in a while.

Some other battles that are worth fighting are  related to physical safety and health.   Bike helmets, reasonable bed times, seat belts, eating nutritious food (that the rest of the family is eating) ...these are not options.  If we don't give our kids an option when it comes to sitting in a carseat why do we give them the option of lying?  Both are potentially destructive to them.


It is a myth that a child will outgrow selfish, rude, defiant behavior.  It will only get worse.  Of course as they morph from a raging two year old into a non-barbaric older child there will be higher expectations.

Freedom within  basic but very firm boundaries could describe my style (or at least goal)  of parenting.

What are some of the "battles" that are important to you as a parent?  What words or sentence could describe your parenting style?

Parenting a child with ADHD

There it is in print.  I said it.  As much as I hate the words "deficit disorder" attached to any description of a child...that's what it's called.
If you had asked me a decade ago about ADHD I would have spouted some sort of ignorance about the fact that it is a made up disorder and an excuse for poor parenting.  That was before I was forced to deal with it face to sweet little face.

Although we hear about ADHD all the time...the subject is still taboo and there is still widespread misunderstanding about it.  In an effort to connect with other mums struggling, working, and loving in the trenches of atypicality I'm coming out of the "my kids are perfect" closet a little further.   In order to dispel some of the misconceptions of what it actually is I will give you a peek into our family life.

I have hesitated to share much in the past but there is freedom in truth and there is support in community.  It is not something that should ever hold shame or embarrassment.  It is what it is.

ADHD is a poly- genetic (involving various hereditary genes all mixed together) condition that affects the frontal lobes of the brain.  It effects the way neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine are used  (or not transmitted properly)  by the brain.   These frontal lobes are the command center.   The frontal lobes (the executive function) are like the conductor of an orchestra.   It is what organizes, processes and moderates information, stimuli and behaviors into something that makes sense.   It has nothing to do with intelligence.   The orcherstra may be full of talented, skilled musicians but if the conductor is listening to Toby Mac on his i-pod while the orchestra has sheets of Mozart ready to be played...there is going to be some confusion and chaos.  The skill of the musicians are hidden behind a short circuiting conductor.
The genes that combine together to create ADHD can also combine with other genes to create conditions like Dyslexia, OCD,  Aspergers syndrome, Bipolar disorder, Sensory processing disorder (example of SPD: compulsive chewing, sensory seeking or avoidant behaviors) , and other mood and conduct disorders.   These genes run in families, sometimes undiagnosed.  Since it is a mix of different genes that cause ADHD , people can also be carriers of the genes without having the same exact symptoms.  Girls can also react to and compensate for the ADHD genes in a very different way creating more of a "spacey, daydreamer" form of ADD or very few symptoms at all.  Children with ADHD are also at a much higher risk for the other disorders listed above.  This combining  is known as "co-morbid" conditions meaning basically that it isn't unusual to have more than one of these issues...or some of the traits of some of the disorders without it being severe enough to seek a diagnosis.

In some cases it is not genetics that cause ADHD but actual brain damage (drugs, injury, illness).
I do think that it is likely overdiagnosed. There are MANY children who are ramped up on junkfood, not enough sleep, neglect  or  lack of parenting discipline that causes similar symptoms.  Those should be ruled out by thorough assessments by professionals.  ADHD is very different than a spoiled out of control child....although at quick glance they may appear similar.

Roman told me the other day "Mom I wish God gave my brain to a different boy".
The strangeness of this statement cause me to probe a little further into his thought process (at that point we had been struggling all morning to do very basic school work).
He continued "  Well, not my BRAIN, because I would be dead without it...but my smartness.   I'm just not making very good use of it."
It turns out that he couldn't have been more accurate.  He is VERY aware of his struggles and is often frustrated by them.  What I wasn't aware of was just how much "smartness" is hiding behind his ADHD issues.

We got the results of extensive assessment tests back last week.   It was very insightful to get a peak into the workings of how his brain works.  He has always been a boy of extremes and his IQ broken down into categories proves just that....extremes.    In areas like "applied mathematic problem solving" and "perceptual reasoning"  he scored 99th percentile "Superior" intellegence.  (I was shocked).   In areas like "coding", "sequencing" and "working memory" (things he needs for reading and symbol recognition) he scored "far below average" down in the single digits for percentile (not a surprise but somewhat discouraging).   He is VERY right brained...visual spatial.  So much so it's a wonder that he doesn't lean to one side!  Picture the inventor who can create brilliance but can't remember where he put his glasses.
So much difficult to access potential in this  boy!

Since the later stages of infancy it became apparent that Roman differed from his peers in many ways.  He NEVER played with a single toy.   He didn't notice them.   He would crawl, scoot, roll into all sorts of strange locations.  This turned to climbing.  I remember the day when he at about 9-10 months old flipped over a laundry basket, pushed it up to a baby gate and climbed over (looking back I recognize the problem solving skills in that).  From then on there was no containing the child.  His toddler years were EXHAUSTING.   He was in his own world of overdrive all the time.  There was no sitting and playing, coloring, watching tv or any other typical preschool activities.   He explored, climbed, jumped off of things, and threw dramatic tantrums should his adventures  be physically barred, changed, redirected, or other wise "assaulted".  

Strong willed is not strong enough a word for this boy as a toddler.  Sheer undeterred, unstoppable drive.  I read parenting book after parenting book convinced I was failing as a mother.   All the normal methods of punishment and discipline just DID NOT WORK.   They only proved to spur him on in his determination.

 I received advice like "My son climbed out of his bed once but I spanked him and he never did it again."   hmmm...how strange.  I couldn't imagine what that would be like.

 I remember at one point standing in awe as my toddler climbed out of his bed for the 40th time in an hour (receiving "I'm going to win this battle..darn it all!" penalty each time).   I thought to myself that this is kind of unwavering determination, and fearlessness is the stuff that martyrs and heroes are made of.  

We lost him ALL the time.  He was nicknamed Roaming  Roman.
Fearless, adventurous, no concept of time or fear of losing sight of his parents.


At that point in my parenting experience I was convinced I was an absolute failure.   I had a pre-school daughter (who now I realize most likely has ADD inattentive type, as well as SPD) who was also exhibiting classic "executive function" problems.

I spent many days crying in defeat, as my marriage hit the rocks and my dream of being a "good mom" dissolved into tantrums and tears.



His impulsivity, compulsion to touch everything and everyone,  his lack of ability (not willingness but ability) to follow directions or perform simple tasks....had me baffled.

It wasn't until the word "ADHD" was mentioned to me by his Sunday School teacher that I EVER considered it.  I then started reading.  I ordered a book from Focus on the Family about ADHD and cried my way through it.  For the first time a "parenting book" was describing MY child.  It was like they had written the book about him, our struggles, and all his quirky ways.   It helped me understand the challenges and benefits of having a mind that is wired like his is.  At that point we had received no diagnosis but he 100% met every point on the checklist of symptoms.  I knew that label or no label we needed to reevaluate our parenting methods and deal with the behaviors he was exhibiting.

I needed to understand what made this boy tick and how to not only keep him from killing himself but how to thrive in a world that is full of people that are marching to a completely different beat than he is.


We have always said there can be 80 kids in a room all doing the same thing and our son is  the only one off in his own little world doing something drastically different.

On the flip side this boy of mine constantly amused and amazed me with his ridiculously wild imagination, his grand ideas, his creative problem solving and his huge sensitive heart.

A typical experience with him at age 4 to 6 would be

Me:  "Roman please go get your pajamas on...Roman...Roman...Roman...look at me...please put your pajamas on"
Roman: "ok mom" Roman happily gallops, crawls and hops to his room. 
 On his way to his room he would most likely get distracted by imaginary dragons that needed to be slain or space aliens that needed to hidden from.
Eventually he would come wandering out of his room (if he ever made it there) completely unaware that he was still in his clothes with one sock removed, and his shirt taken off and put back on inside out...no pajamas in sight.  
Me: "Roman why aren't your pajamas on?  I told you to put them on"
Roman: " What?  pajamas? oh.  Roman break dances to his room to try again....coming back with his shirt off. 
Still no pajamas.
Above conversation is repeated this time with a firmer voice...bordering on shrill. 
Roman skips to the bathroom, drones a monotone song, digs around for his toothbrush, tests out the nail clippers,  then wanders back to the living room and asks
"What was I supposed to do?"
By then mommy is taking deep breaths and twitching and Daddy has lost it completely.  

Repeat above conversation multiple times a day over multiple different scenarios until my patience is completely spent.   Times the tension and frustration by 100 and you can imagine what doing school work is like for both of us!


This is where knowledge and understanding comes into play.   Those things are a lifeline to a parent.    Once I realized that this was an area that he legitimately struggled (and wasn't intentionally trying to drive me insane)   I knew I needed to take him by the shoulders  and help him step by step through the process.

As he has gotten older those executive brain  functions of attention, focus, ability to cope with frustration, inhibition, self control, compliance, mood regulation, and social cue reading have improved somewhat with intentional parenting and with maturity (although some issues have become more complex and severe). They will continue to improve as he matures, and learns to compensate.
 He is now able and very willing to follow instructions, do his chores, get dressed (on his own!!), and even sit through a church service (that alone took years, and many, many, many Sundays of sitting on "timeouts" in the front entry way of the church!). It also took re-assessing our own expectations and throwing our own "make me look good" parenting pride out the window.   Behaviors that come naturally with age and maturity to a typical child do not always come naturally to a child with ADHD, not in the same time frame anyhow.   They must be painstakingly, patiently and persistently taught.  Even then inconsistency is the trade mark of ADHD.  As an ADHD mom it's like constantly adjusting the sails to an ever changing wind.  The winds change drastically hour to hour , day to day.

I know many people reading this assume that having a child diagnosed as ADHD is an excuse for poor behavior, lazy parenting, or throwing up our hands in defeat as parents.  It is the opposite.   Knowledge and understanding is power.   To effectively parent ANY child you must understand and truly know them.  When you parent a child that is hard wired in an unusual way this is even more critical.  Denial and ignorance is disastrous  (which is true for every situation in life!!)

Knowing your child has diabetes means you have to alter aspects of your lifestyle, increase your vigilance, and learn as much as you can to help your child survive and thrive.  It means you read, and learn and parent that much more intentionally.

We have had to work that much harder.  Discipline  more frequently.  Teach and train more carefully.

We have had to re-evaluate how we educate him.

I feel like I'm painting a fairly bleak picture.  Our life with him , our homeschooling him and parenting him has been rewarding, frustrating, exciting, difficult, and wonderful all at the same time.

Understanding his inconsistency and unpredictability is still the hardest.

He can be the most genuinely charming, well mannered, articulate, friendly, generous and affectionate boy you'll ever meet.

On the Jekyl and Hyde flip side we are dealing with "clinically significant"  depression, anxiety, and   hyperactivity.


It is  so important that we deal with and stabilize these issues before adolescence.   This boy has so much potential.  I have no doubt that God is going to use his energy, passion, fearlessness, and intelligence for some great kingdom work.    There are so many statistical pitfalls along the way that we need to be vigilant about.    Kids with ADHD, particularly those that are left untreated, are at a much higher risk for all kinds of addictive behaviors and risk taking activities.  Combine that with his sensory seeking issues and we've got a lot of challenges to navigate which is why our parenting, and work now is so important.  As he grows up there is a good chance that he will "outgrow" many of the "deficits" associated with ADHD.

He will always be a guy with a sparkle in his eye , passion in his heart, and big ideas in his head!   Thats ok with me.  Those are the things I love most about him!  I see his captivating personality, his unique mind and even his frustrating quirks as a gift from the one who designed him.  With a sparkle in His eye, big plans in His head, and a knowing smile on His face God said "watch what I can do!" .

Something New

As we approach a new year I find myself in a contemplative mood.   A bit of a shocker for you I'm sure. Warning: this post contains Carla Style rambling....

I have the most delightfully awestruck feeling that this coming year is going to be a digging up the potatoes kind of year.  For some reason, I see God smiling and with a twinkle in His eye, He says to me "Watch for me.  I am coming with God sized deliverance".   This is what has been on my heart the last few weeks as we prepare to enter 2011.

I recently watched the movie "Faith Like Potatoes" in case you were wondering where my potato  analogy came from.   So often the work that God is doing goes on out of our sight.  We have seasons of planting. Seasons of waiting.  Seasons of trusting. Seasons of drought.    Then there is the harvest...the day we see with our own eyes what God has been doing all along beneath the surface.  We stand amazed at how beyond our own understanding, striving, complaining, figuring, and short sighted perspective....God had a plan.  His timing was perfect.  He has provided.   All I have left to do is praise Him.

For the last couple years , in certain areas of our life, we have walked through a hostile desert.  We have loved and we have lost.  We have seen miracles and we have seen devastation.   We haven't always understood.   I have grown weary and I have despaired.  This past year has once again brought the baseness of human nature up close and personal.   We have walked in faith trusting that God knows, God sees. God will bring  His light.  This was a year of persevering in obedience through the drought.  I can't help but anticipate and wonder how God will rain down his mercy and glory this coming year.  This may not be the year for a torrential down-pour of his healing, only another year of drought, but for some reason I feel the clouds are gathering and I'm longing for a deluge.  A front row view of  the pain also gives us a front row view of His redemption of it.  That is a pretty spectacular place to be...even if we are all ragged and worn when that time comes.  Sometimes that may not come until  we enter eternity.  I really suck at the waiting...especially where injustice is involved.

In other areas of our life we wait expectantly.  I am waiting with anticipation to see what God has for us around the next bend.  Beyond what I can see.   Where will we go?  Who will we love? What circumstances will God take us through to teach us what we need to understand?  I am wondering what this next year will bring and because there are so many loose ends, unknowns, and impossible situations....I know we will see God's miraculous provision.   That is exciting to me.   In my  immediate family there are two adoptions being processed.  Just two examples of active waiting.  Waiting on God's perfect timing and provision.

We are also praying about our desire to return to Mexico.  There are so many obstacles that we have given to the Lord.  Now we wait...and hope...and anticipate.    Maybe God has something entirely different for us.

Things do NOT always happen like I want them to, or  like I think they should.  That does not for a second mean that God is not working.

Sometimes I envision the end result, I see God's redemption in a situation.  I hear His calling.  I feel God's heart,  I see someone with His eyes....but I usually have no clue as to how or when HIS plan will come to pass.  Even when we can't see how, His promises remain.  
 I have very little concept of how my tiny role, my willingness to be used, emptied, even despised, will be a part of that plan.  I run into trouble when I try to take matters into my own hands and rush ahead of God.

 Moses was given the vision of freedom for his people.  He was given the passion and the burden.  He then rushed out to stand up to injustice and caused only more problems as a result.  The Hebrew people he tried to free despised him.  The Pharaoh wanted to kill him.  It is interesting though that God used even Moses' blunders to take him to where he needed to be.    It was't until Moses graduated from 40 years of humility training in the desert that God used Moses to bring his people out of their bondage.  The result was miraculous.  I'm sure everyone had lost hope by that point that God was going to intervene on behalf of his people.


God is going to redeem that which is most broken, enslaved, lost, and wounded.   God works through His people.
"Watch and see it will not be unredeemed".

God is bringing some good things into the lives of those who he has raised up out of the pit. The lowest, the weakest, the most despised...they will inherit the blessings of His kingdom that He delights to give.  His hand also brings justice and will humble the hard and the proud.  His hand will right wrongs, extend unfathomable grace, and reclaim what was lost.  

He will " rip the deadness out  and plant something new".
And so I wait in joyful anticipation for that new work.
"I will abide in the life giving blood of Christ.  I'm grafted in."

This may seem like a strange song to include in this post. It may seem like a strange song period. Maybe this is  a strange post in general.   There are likely songs that are more inspiring or applicable but for some reason I am drawn to this one today.   (don't forget to push pause on the music playlist at the bottom of my blog first).

Sledding

A whole whack of Christmas photos

 This is a bunch of random pictures from the last couple days.

Aili and Roman had their first piano recital...which was cute and slightly embarrassing.

 Christmas was a beautiful family day.  We soaked it up.

Christmas Eve included games, food, and family at our home.

...and a ginger bread house.

 My grandpa.  My tall, strong, handsome grandpa is getting more frail and small each year.   Still a handsome old fella though.   So much history in those eyes.  

 Christmas Eve preparations.

 My grandma loving up her great grandkids.  She doesn't remember their names or how exactly they are descended from her but she knows they are hers and they need to be loved up by her. 

Grandma loves a baby even when she's not quite sure how she ended up looking so different than the other children. 

Christmas Eve entertainment.

It was fun to celebrate Miss Cece's first Christmas with her!

Christmas morning was a bit overwhelming for Silas.  He has no memory of "normal" Christmas at home.  He got into it though!  He was completely thrilled and content with the little army men, stickers, and new toothbrush from his stocking.  He thought that was it...

We surprised him with BUZZ! 

Christmas morning was so much fun!  We took our time and opened, oohed and aahhed over one gift at time.  The kids were so sweet and grateful for everything.   They spent most of Christmas day playing quietly with their new treasures.  

Roman and his daddy discussing his new model car.

I've always said the dark side is strong in this one.... (Aili found this for Silas at the second hand store for $1, best part no packaging!)

Our music lover can now play music in her bedroom.  You can't see it by the stoic expression on her face but she is thrilled.

After a quiet morning at home opening gifts we went to my parents for a fancy Christmas Dinner...

and more presents.  It was a fairly small gathering with just our family and my Grandparents in attendance but it was so nice.  

My mom made this beautiful sweater for Cece.  She makes sweaters for her grandkids and this struck me as such a significant gift of acceptance.   It means so much to  me that she put that many hours and that much love into a gift of for our girlie.   It will be about a year until she fits it so it's also a sign of faith, and hope.  Thank you mom and dad.

Roman and Grandma both met their snuggle match.  Someone who loves to snuggle as much as he does.  I spend many childhood hours snuggled up to this Grandma,  it's special that my own kids have the chance to do the same.  

It was a beautiful day.  The kids were terrific.  The food was amazing.  We spent the day with people that mean the most in the world to me.  Family.

I have so many family members spread all over that we didn't see today but will see later this week...or later next year.   I am so appreciative of my loving family, my heritage, my sense of belonging.  I feel very blessed and fortunate. 

  I have a close friend who grew up in foster care and doesn't have that kind of family.   My heart aches for her  during seasons like this.  She is an honorary part of this extended farmer clan though...if only she didn't live so far away she would have been here getting snuggled by Roman too.  

My family isn't made up of perfect people.  We don't always get it right.  We are all very different.  We sometimes even  irritate each other...but at the end of the day we have each other.  We love each other unconditionally and I know if I needed anyone of my family they'd have my back in a second.  No one is disposable.    That is family.   That is what I thank God for today.  

I came home filled up with the love of family.  That feeling also conflicted with the sadness of how badly other families can wound each other....and how many people are grieving loss of a loved one during this season.   Blood does not make people family, unselfish love does. 

It reminds me not to take any of it for granted....and to be open arms to those people, babies or adults, who don't know or are missing that kind of love.