Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Cece

My beautiful little girl is three years old! 

I feel so unbelievably blessed to get to be her mommy.   

This is her first birthday as our forever daughter.

No more wondering if I'll she'll be celebrating her next birthday somewhere other than our home.

We typically keep birthday's pretty simple in our family.

Mostly because I'm not a big party planner.

My goal is to celebrate the day they were born by making them feel loved and appreciated.  

Sometimes all that takes is a table cloth, grilled cheese sandwiches,  and some fancy tea cups borrowed from Great Grandma's house. 

...and a scrumptious cheese cake made by big sister. 

A couple gifts, some yummy cake

...and tea.

I won't even apologize for the mess behind the party.  Laundry strewn about...toys scattered...such is life with five kids and a busy week.

But even on a busy week we can take time to celebrate our little princess and the day this sweet girl came into the world.  

 

Happy 3rd Birthday my Lovie.

I'm so incredibly thankful for you. 

\

New hair and teeth

My handsome little man had a few more "firsts" here in Canada.  

His first haircut since being home. 

His first lost tooth...since being home.  It really does feel special to get to witness little milestones such as lost baby teeth.  

He's so dreamy.   I have a total crush on him. 

Speaking of dreamy...

This is how my "twins" have been sleeping all this week.  

They curl up like little pups and go right to sleep.  I think God knew Silas and Elijah needed each other. This is just one example, both of these boys have anxiety issues and hate sleeping alone.  Silas is loving having a new brother.  They have such a sweet relationship.  

Yesterday I took Elijah in to get a start on his dental work.  This is what the highway looked like going to town.  When I left home the road was perfectly clear, or I probably would have cancelled.  It was even worse going home...a sheet of white ice. The warmer temps. and wind cause the snow to stick on the highway worse that usual.   I'm very much looking forward to Spring. 

It was so slippery my van felt like I was sailing it down the highway rather than driving it.  I think my knuckles were as white as the ice. 

We made it to the dentist though.  Eli was a trouper.  He cooperated and didn't fuss at all.  I made sure to stay in his line of sight.  Pain he can stoically tolerate, but Mama leaving not so much.   I suspect his coping skill of choice "dissociation" had a bit to do with his ability to lay perfectly still.  He didn't hardly flinch but his muscles were  tight as it gets.  It's maybe good that we're getting this over with before the fight starts to come out of him.  

{Aili came along for her orthodontist appointment, while she was waiting she snapped some pics}

It went so much better than we had anticipated.  The teeth that they thought would need to either be pulled or need a root canal were fixable with just a filling.  We got one side of his mouth done, which included the worst of the black holes.  We'll go back in a couple weeks for the smaller cavities and other side.  I really like that they used white fillings too.  His smile looks so great without the grey and black spots....or a mouth full of metal. 

They were so good with him.  So kind , encouraging and gentle.  

I was so happy with the how easily it went....I was kind of dreading this appointment. 

The coolest part was when I went to the front desk to pay.  I had started worrying that I left my credit card at home.  I hoped I could find it in my wallet, or that I could stop by the next day to pay (they're really great that way) since I knew I didn't have enough in my bank account.   I stepped up to the receptionist, began to unzip my purse and she said "the dentist isn't charging you for today".  I was stunned....and so thankful.  We had started to worry when we found out that Elijah wouldn't be covered by our insurance for several months.    We just kept walking ahead trusting that God will keep us all fed.  Our good Shepherd keep showing us that he has this little lamb in his care.  

Once we got home the stress of the day hit him kind of hard.  He was very concerned about his numb/ tingly cheeks that evening.  Poor guy had no way of knowing that they would ever get better.  I think he was kind of ticked that we had gone and wrecked his mouth...he looked so betrayed and discouraged.  Eating is one of his favorite things...and we ruined it for him.  He was quite thrilled the next morning when we woke up to a fully functioning face to eat breakfast with.  

Joy comes in the Morning

"Remember my affliction and my wanderings, 

the wormwood and the gall!

My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me. 

But this I call to mind, 

and therefore I have hope;

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, 

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul

therefore I will hope in him"

I called on your name, O Lord, 

from the depths of the pit;

you heard my plea, 'Do not close you ear to my cry for help!'

You came near when I called on you;

you said "Do not fear!"

You have taken up my cause, O Lord;

you have redeemed my life. " (Lamentations 3)

"weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

When I felt secure, I said

I will never be shaken,

O Lord, when you favored me, 

you made my mountain stand firm;...

....You turned my wailing into dancing,

you removed my sack cloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

Oh Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalms 30)

Soli Deo gloria, 

In Weakness

As I walked down the hall, carrying my  little boy,  I could feel his whole body convulsing with the sobs he was trying so desperately to stifle.  My heart felt the weight more than my arms did, as I casually wiped his tears and snot off of my face.  I sat down by his bed, with my boy cradled on my lap like a tiny baby, his lanky legs long enough to rest on the floor beside me.  The sobs quieted as his body relaxed, arms still clutching.  Desperately holding onto what he could not lose.

We knelt beside the bed, like he insists we do every night, and prayed to Jesus in two different languages.  He prayed long and hard, words I could not understand.  I prayed for my little boy's heart to heal, for him to feel secure in our love.

Tonight instead of tucking him into his bed, saying goodnight and leaving, I crawled into the bed next to him.  He had started sobbing again at just the suggestion that I might leave his side.  We lay face to face, hands intertwined...his eyes searching mine.  A serious scowl lined his brow.  He stated, very matter of factly, "YeYe, Nai Nai bye bye".  I replied..."Yes, Ye Ye and Nai Nai (his most recent foster parents) bye -bye".  He has talked about them many times and occasionally asks about them...but this time it was different, he was just informing me of the way things were.  He then burst into tears again, eyes locked on mine "Mama no bye-bye".   I resisted letting my own tears fall, glad for the dim lighting in the bedroom, and replied confidently "Mama no bye-bye....no more bye-byes".

For the next several minutes we just lay there, and I sang to him.  The sobbing slowed to an occasional hiccup, as he listened to familiar tunes and at one point began to sing along to "Jesus loves me".  I choked back my own tears, as I listened to my brave little boy sing about Jesus love in words that only remotely sounded like English, and as he made sure to do the action for the line "he is STRONG".   One arm just wouldn't do...he had to have lefty up there showing "strong" too.

"Little ones, to him belong
They are weak, but He is strong"

We are so weak....but he is more than strong enough.  His strength is made perfect even in all this weakness.  He is stronger than this great big hurt hidden away in a tiny little body.

Silas, who wandered into the bedroom concerned for his brother, crawled in next to us.   "Mom, I think he's afraid to sleep alone.   I'll sleep down here with him "(he usually resides in the top bunk, over Elijah).  So with a kiss for each of my "twins" and a "Wo ai ni" into each of their ears I left my two little boys curled up together like puppies in one little bed.  One trying desperately to be brave, the other one gently stroking his brothers hair saying "It's ok, Di Di is here" (DiDi = brother).  They both fell fast asleep within minutes.

Today was one of those tough reality days.

It was payback, not totally unexpected, but with more intensity and with a greater depth of pain than I had anticipated.

Last night I went to met up with about 25 other ladies from our church family for an evening of food, encouragement, prayer and conversation.  I really wanted to go...not all for selfish reasons (although the thought of spending an evening visiting with other women, without the children was quite appealing...and cabin fever can take it's toll in winter).   I really wanted to get to know the other women in our church better.  We are in a small, but very fast growing, church plant ( I think it's doubled in size this year) that is filling up with young women, new believers, university students, and lots of young moms (and expectant moms).  I have had trouble connecting with any of the more recent additions, and many of them I've never even met.    So with visions of chocolate and laughter in my head I headed out onto a snow covered highway and drove for 2 1/2 hrs to a room brimming with women...all of them with their own struggles, challenges, hopes, and fears.  We encouraged each other, we prayed for each other, and we were vulnerable.  Because of the weather, the late time, and the distance home I spent the night at a friends home and drove back this morning.

I knew that it would make Elijah nervous...I knew it wasn't ideal, but I figured he'd be fine at home with Daddy, Aili and the rest of the kids.  It seemed we had made it through the worst and maybe just seeing that mom can leave and come back again would reassure him.   I think he did fine that evening (despite Daddy having to work late)...but by morning it all fell apart for one little boy.

I drove home with tales of misery reported to me on my old style flip cell phone.  I'll spare you the gory details but it was pretty classic...there are sections written about this very thing in the trauma parenting/ adoption books.  His behaviors all pointed to a little boy who had retreated somewhere dark, and terrifying, and who was resorting to any means necessary to feel some sort of control over the situation.  It was messy, messy again,...and then messier...and then messiest.  Full on body function warfare....only my son was the victim and trauma was the aggressor.

Needless to say he was exceedingly happy to have mom home again.  Although the "happy" turned very quickly to obsessively clingy.  I expected that, and was happy to spend a lot of time in the snuggle chair with him...despite the house looking like chaos. One thing I'm learning is that there is no quick fix.  A snuggle may help the tears subside, but under those tears the fear is still just as real.    By supper time he couldn't even eat (and this boy loves to eat), all he could do was sob, deep, heart crushing, body wracking sobs.  Any time his body was not touching mine, it was like someone had just died.  It's such a different kind of cry than one of my other kids just being whiny and wanting my attention...it was desperation.  A primal clutching for survival,   by a boy who has known far too much loss in 6 years.

So that is how our day ended.   My heart breaking, feeling badly for leaving when he obviously wasn't ready,   my eyes stinging with unreleased tears, and the vision of my two little boys curled up together in bed.  I know that this, in the long run, is just a blip in the healing process.  Just a little set back that I'm sure he'll rebound from by tomorrow...but it's a solid reminder that there is much more complexity here than we sometimes realize.  The truth is...behind his silly happy personality, his constant repetition of the same probing question "Mama happy?", his eagerness to please, his continual showing off of his new skills, his rush to clean up his toys, and his desperate clinging....is a little boy who's convinced he will be sent away, or left behind.

"My grace is made sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then  I am strong"  2 Cor. 12: 9,10



Soli Deo Gloria,

One Month Home

One month ago we were flying home, ready to begin our new life as a family of 7.  

I can't believe how fast this month was flown by. 

It feels like this little guy has always been a part of our family forever...or maybe was always meant to be.  

I really can't believe how seamlessly he fits in. 

The kids love their new brother.  They just haven't even missed a beat.  There was no "adjustment" phase for my three older ones.  They just love having him home.   There were only some very mild moments of  of jealousy and insecurity from Cece but that seems to have passed.  She adores him now, and doesn't question his place in our family.   Cece and Elijah are very at very similar places developmentally and quite often have little spats over toys, or who gets to sit on mama's lap, or taking turns with something.  They can also be very sweet and affectionate with each other. 

These two, my "twin" 6 yr olds,  have such sweet relationship.  Silas is our wild card with most everything.  He is the most resistant to any sort of change, and he has the hardest time with empathy (or understanding a broader perspective).  I am so stinkin' proud of this kid.  He has been amazing and I hate to say it but I'm a bit shocked.  He has always had soft spot for his little siblings though (whether fostered or adopted).  He has never pragmatically requested we send him back (although the day may come) and he has never been anything but very generous with sharing his room, his parents, and all his toys.  He loves having a brother that he feels like he has a special connection with, without all the competitive stuff.  He has naturally slid into a protective"big brother" caretaker and play mate role with Elijah....even though Elijah is older than he is, very likely a year older.  They are cute little buddies. 

Some things I've learned about parenting a child with CP this month are....

an umbrella stroller is not awesome for a 6 yr old. 

Our rural area and small province (population wise) does not have a lot of options for pediatric wheelchairs etc.  and it's a long process to get things figured out, ordered, and find funding.   We've been working on it diligently for a month.  I think we have a basic Convaid Cruiser (push chair) finally ordered...I think...if they don't forget again (they have forgotten about us and our order completely a few times).  It should arrive in the next 1-12 months?  the story keeps changing.  (grrrr)  There are some charities that may be able to fund some of the equipment we need but we're still working on the application process, which also requires letters from specialists,  and quotes from vendors (which there aren't very many of)...and figuring out who they are and what they offer.   So between trying to find equipment, and trying to set up the appointments to various therapists and specialists.  It's nearly a full time job.  Thankfully my husband has been Mr. phone calling, squeaky wheel super hero.   We've certainly learned that no one is going to come knocking on our door offering to give Elijah the help he needs.  I know advocating for any atypical kid is a battle (one I've ventured into with a couple of my other kids)but I haven't been very good at pounding on closed doors.  I just get frustrated and leave it as is.   That's not an option for us now.  Learning to be more assertive for Elijah's sake might actually help with some other kid issues (like Dyslexia, ADHD etc) that we've been trying to figure out on our own for too long, without professional support.  

We're realizing that we need to get adaptive equipment and mobility stuff figured out soon because he is getting bigger.  I'm thankful that we were able to get him home while he's still on the fringe of being "little".  Right now he's just barely little enough for me to carry, lift, hoist around all day, but he's already gained a few pounds in just this past month...and by the end of many days my arms and back are aching.  Between his physical limitations and his intense desire to be held on my lap for hours a day, it's kind of like having a very large newborn some days.  But like those sweet demanding days of always having a babe snuggled into your lap, there's a preciousness about this time as our bond takes form and grows deeper, and a little heart begins to heal.   Physical contact (holding therapy) is said to be the most effective tool in therapeutic parenting...so I'm pretty blessed that this is something he naturally wants to do.  Kids who are born with CP in Canada are seeing therapists, specialist and getting equipment from infancy...Elijah has a lot of time to make up for so there isn't any time left to procrastinate on it.  

 There are so many things, that with the help of an Occupational Therapist, we can set up better in our home to make him as independent as possible. We're just starting so from scratch with our knowledge, with knowing how to set things up better, and with any sort of equipment.  

I'm realizing that my biggest challenge, might also be his biggest hindrance.  It is SO much harder to let him do things himself..not to mention much more time consuming.  For our first few weeks together (esp. during our time in China) I was much more focused on using all the daily care activities as golden opportunities for nurture and bonding.   His attachment and trust that we will take care of his needs trumped independence ...which was essential I believe.   Now after 6 weeks, I'm trying to back off a bit more and let him do things for himself.   He is able to do so much, it just takes an excruciatingly long time.  It's a solid lesson in patience for me, especially since I would rather swoop in and save him the frustration.  I fully realize that doing this long term will not be dong him any favors.   I'm trying to slowly push that pendulum further away from having a 37 lb infant and toward working on the life skills he will need to have. It's a bit of a balance...not to sacrifice his need to feel  cared for, and yet pushing him to work on things he'd rather not do.   It really is spectacular to watch him put on his own pants and socks...although many times I have to leave and let him work away at it, to avoid swooping in.  I find it almost painful to resist.   He really does find so much satisfaction in doing things himself.  

Our calender is filling up quickly with a variety of appointments as we begin our life of trying this kid up with medical care, diagnostics,  and therapy.  I'm looking forward to getting this ball rolling.  Next week we start with his extensive dental work.  Our insurance won't cover any of his dental work until the end of the year, so we have to opt out of the surgery route.  It kind of hurts my heart to think about it, but he's so cooperative and tough that I think he'll manage getting his teeth fixed the old fashioned way...and we have a superb dentist who is great with kids.  It will just be good to get it done.   

I've also discovered, like with any kind of parenting, parenting a special needs kid is hard on my selfishness...which some days I would like to preserve,  pristine, and untarnished.   Those moments, and sometimes, whole days are the hardest...as I resist the chaffing work of having more of my idolatry revealed and slowly sanded away.  There have been some days when I wake up and whine to myself "but I just don't feel like it today", (any novelty of caring for a child with a disability...or just being a mom to 5 has completely warn off)...but then I remind myself that my Savior is sufficient in my weakness, and I find the grace there to serve like I have been so generously served.   

At the end of the day, even when my arms feel like lifting a cup of tea might be too strenuous, I am thankful that I get to be his mama.  Overwhelmed by it actually.  The rest of the stuff is such a small, and joyous, price to pay to have the enormous privilege of raising our son.   

  

Soli Deo Gloria,

Cuteness ahead, Proceed with Caution.

These two may be more cuteness than you are prepared to handle.  

A moment of blissful silence as they watch a cartoon on the ipad.

My newest little baker's apprentice.

"Wo gucky!"

I took off his new wrist brace so it wouldn't get "gucky" too, but it's sure been making a difference.  I thought this non specialized wrist brace wouldn't do much other than keep his hand up a little straighter and maybe take some strain off of his wrist joint.  We've been noticing him using his hand a lot more already.  I don't know if it's increased circulation or just having it at a better angle, but all of the sudden he's using those little fingers on his left hand.  Showing off all the time, picking up Legos, and carrying small toys.  It takes a lot of concentration, and effort but it's like his lefty suddenly just came alive.

I seriously can't wait to get him to see a Physical Therapist, and figure out what we can be doing to help strengthen those muscles.  

Just a pinch more flour...

and a little more kneading.

Reminding myself that nurtured little souls are more important than clean floors. 

Happy tummies are a bonus.

This is actually very loud in real life.  Much sweeter in a still shot. 

Lots of snow and warmer March weather means the kids are spending more time outside.  No one wants to be out there when it's -30 C!  

A big pile up of snow, a new sled, -2 degree Celcius weather = lots of hours outside.

Which also equals some semblance of sanity for mama inside, as I kneaded bread with only one child instead of 5! 

 I was just reading in Isaiah again today and came across a passage that I had read last Spring when we were in the thick of waiting, and paperwork, and fighting for our son to come home. It comforted me during a difficult time when I was tempted to despair.  Our son was locked behind literal crib bars, we were battling seemingly impenetrable walls of foreign bureaucracy, and there was a whole lot of sudden spiritual opposition.  This was not written as a promise to me, but as I was praying, reading, and crying, the Holy Spirit ministered  to me with this passage from Isaiah.  That's the Living Word folks.  This is our unchanging God. 

After writing my most recent post about how unbelievably smooth everything went while in country, this passage stood out to me again.  I am reminded again how faithful God is, and how his purposes cannot be thwarted.  

"This is what the Lord says to his anointed,

to Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of

to subdue nations before him

so that gates will not be shut:

I will go before you

and will level the mountains.

I will break down gates of bronze 

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you treasures of darkness,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the Lord, 

the God of Israel, who summons you by name. "

Isaiah 45: 1-3

"This is what the Lord says:

In the time of my favor I will answer you, 

and in the day of salvation I will help you,

I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people.

to restore the land

and to reassign its desolate inheritances,

to say to the captives "come out"

and to those in darkness, "be free!"

They will feed beside the roads 

and find pasture on every barren hill,

They will neither hunger nor thirst,

nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them

He who has compassion on them will guide them

and lead them beside springs of water.

I will turn all my mountains into roads,\and my highways will be raised up.

See, they will come from afar-" 

Isaiah 49:8-12

So this is life right now.  Just soaking up the days with my newest little treasure....so thankful that we serve a God who makes smooth the mountains, breaks down walls, and leads us to incredible riches stored away in the most unexpected places. 

Soli Deo Gloria,