Today is Samuel's 12 th birthday.  To be honest I knew it was coming up but I totally forgot about it today until nearly supper time.
 I paused while I pruned bushes and mowed the grass to say "thankyou".  Thank you Lord for bringing our special little boy into our lives.  Thankyou for the time I had with him, and for all the ways he changed us.

Instead of crying over the 12 year old boy that "should be" riding his bike around town, tracking mud into the house,  and grumbling that he doesn't really need a shower....I instead turned my thoughts to how he changed me and how he tore open my heart for children with special needs.   In the days of waiting for a diagnosis, and of saying goodbye, my paradigm shifted.

Life has moved on, but it has moved on in a direction that I don't believe we would have gone if Samuel hadn't been a part of our lives for those 8 months.  

I did a lot of missing today, but the odd thing is most of my missing/ longing/ aching was redirected onto the child we wait for.   The child I now long to know, to hold , and to love forever.

The funny think with grief is it's something that can eventually be filed away.  The loss never disappears, but having to contend with the pain of it daily does.  If I take a peak into that file, stop to remember for a moment, my heart starts aching with missing.  All my "missing" appears to be filed together.  It can become like a dam that threatens to burst and spill over into all the foster babes I've loved and lost,  "my" kids in Mexico,  my little one in China....and my first born son that...all the little ones I can't kiss goodnight.   I tried to limit the missing by keeping busy doing housework and cleaning up our yard.  That worked pretty well but I still missed them.

However, aching doesn't bring me any closer to all the places that little pieces of my heart have been taken to, so I once again give my Swiss cheese heart to God and ask him to give me strength to keep loving and giving little pieces of myself away.

My boy Samuel, Mommy still misses you, even after so many years.

I vowed to carry you as long as your heart was beating,  what I didn't realize was that I'd carry you as long as my own heart beats.   I'll carry you there until I hold you again.

"Death has been swallowed up in victory.  Where, O death is your victory?
Where, O death is your sting?"   1 Cor 15:29

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, there will be no more mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making all things new! then he said "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
He said to me:  "It is done.  I am the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End.  To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. "  Revelation 21:3-6

This revelation (unveiling) of Jesus Christ given to John gives me hope.   Jesus is still on the throne, sovereign over the beginning ,sovereign over the end....and all the little moments in between.


Lynnea said...

One thing I want to say right now.
{Hugs} to you dear friend.

Jenn said...

Happy 12th Birthday Samuel!

HUGE (((hugs))) to you Carla! I like your description of a swiss cheese heart, I totally understand. Praying for you!

Kim said...

Carla, thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your heart. Yesterday, Clay and I read your blog post from for years ago about Samuel as we were driving, tears streaming down both our faces. It is amazing to see the work our great God has done and is doing in your heart. Your Swiss cheese heart is one after his own, and one day it will be whole - Praise Him who paid our debt and raise our lives up from the dead. Praise Him, he is making all things new.

Marcy P said...

That was beautiful Carla. My heart aches with yours. You are right in that the pain does get filed away, but every now and again, when we open that 'file" it comes back in an ache. I love the way you honored your boy in heaven and the one still waiting for your arms.

Mrs Manz said...

Crying with you, friend. Your post opened my own file tonight... Something I haven't done for a while. I daily praise God for bringing me out of those depths of grief - but the change of heart that comes from burying a child really is a scar. Beautiful - but there forever. And that 's okay, right? Wish I had known today so I could have given you an extra-long hug... Next time. :)

Lynnette Kraft said...

When they leave us, what they leave behind is something that changes us forever. We can't see it - we can't touch it - yet something is left here that moves us down brighter paths and opens up places of our hearts that were never opened.

Praising God today for what Samuel left here for his mommy, his daddy and his family.

Love you friend.

Karen said...

YES. The 'missing' file, well said. There are totally different files within those ones too, like you say for people who are far away but also for times that are far away as well. I am so glad for both little Samuel and you and Nathaniel that he was a part of your life, even though it was for such a short time. It's given you such a beautiful heart, and you know it may be Swiss cheese but that just means it keeps on getting holy-er all the time ;) Saludos y abrzos my friend

Anonymous said...

It's true when they say there's more room in a broken heart. Sending you lots of love and prayers today as you remember Samuel and all he has given you. X

Chris said...

Stanging in awe of your faith, your perseverence, and HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD, to be providing so much in these tremulous times!!!
May He continue to strengthen and fortify you!
Another ROG mommy in Wis