As Christ loves the Church

Ephesians 5: 22-29

"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her" (v.25)

I wanted to share something with you that spontaneously happened this past weekend as we camped with our church family.   Our church is a smallish group, a newer church plant,  but we are very diverse in race, national origin, age and demographic. Despite all our differences we are a family.  I would say that the biggest demographic in our church is a lot of young families, young couples and university students.  We have tons of kids under the age of 6.  It's an exciting and vibrant church to be a part of.

One afternoon as we sat around the campfire one of the young men, a newly wed of 1 year, confided in the other men something he wanted to do for his wife.  They decided it was something they needed to do too. 

The wives were invited to sit down in a row of lawn chairs, as a row of  men stood in front of us. 

The first young newly wed, began with tears in his eyes to confess that he had not loved his wife as she deserved to be loved.  He bravely took ownership and responsibility for the turmoil of their first year of marriage.   He told her he had not loved her unselfishly and sacrificially as Christ loves the Church.  He humbly asked for forgiveness as he looked into the eyes of his wife.   They knelt and embraced as they kissed the tears streaming down each others faces.

Then on down the line, a brotherhood of men, new believers alongside elders and even our pastor.  Each spoke to his wife, each vowing , by the grace of God and empowering of the Holy Spirit to love her more unselfishly, asking for forgiveness for the areas where they failed to do so.  The areas where they had chosen their own comfort, apathy, or laziness over loving her well. 

As if that wasn't enough....they pulled out tubs of water (similar to the picture above,...although that picture was one I swiped off the internet...we weren't dressed that glamorously!)

and gently washed each of their wives sandaled, dirty, camping feet.  

It was an act of love and service, not one of domination by either gender.  It was a perfect picture of loving leadership described in Ephesians   It was complementarian structure of home and church at work in the everyday grubbiness of life.  

The funny thing is we could all look at these committed, Jesus loving, hard working, mature family men and justify that they are a cut above most men in our world.  They could also look at all the pathetic excuses for men in our world and puff themselves up with pride saying, "I'm way better than those guys....she should be glad I don't do the stuff he does".   Fortunately, as Christ followers, we have no business comparing ourselves to others....the only mirror we have is Christs perfection and God's holiness.  Next to that we all look pretty wretched.    As the Spirit convicts , our life becomes one of repentance and transformation to look more like the one we follow.  

I'm so glad to be a part of a church that encourages our eyes to focus on Christ, and continually draws us to a life of repentance.  That is what keeps us from growing luke warm.  Our understanding of our own imperfection keeps us utterly focused on the generous grace of God.

Complementarianism   ( a word used to describe a biblical structure for marriage and church) gets all kinds of flack from those who do not understand, and have not witnessed it at work.   It is much maligned and hated by femanist culture , which sadly has also influenced much of the Church (universally speaking).   Fortunately we hold to the Bible as authority rather than culture and it is amazing to see the fruit of that in both healthy thriving churches and families. Of course it has to be more than just lip service, or even worse a twisted distortion of God designed marriage.

When you look at the Acts 29 church network (which our church is a part of), or other churches who hold this high standard for men to lovingly lead their homes ( rather than to dominate, oppress, selfishly remain uninvolved, or passively ruled over by their wives).....women thrive.   Daughters thrive.  Boys thrive under Godly example of how to love, protect and honor women.   Our marriage has thrived as my husband has found a brotherhood of young men who he can not only respect but who pull him closer to Christ in every area of his life. 

It's a beautiful thing.  

 Like my daughter wisely observed "I know when Dad has friends like those guys he could never ever get away with sinning against his family, they love him too much to let him. "  

That's the power of community, the corporate body of Christ loving and speaking truth to each other.  

I love that my sons watched as their Dad humbly vowed to lead and love his family, and lay down his life for his wife.  My daughter watched her mom humbly submit to, and accept that love as she also lays down her own life to serve and honor her husband.

Marriage, Biblically, that is modeled after Jesus relationship to the church,  isn't a partnership of friends who stay together as long as they are both benefiting from the arrangement. 

Christ gave his life without requiring anything in return.  It is a covenant of unconditional love and service....and for every covenant there is one who bears the responsibility for it.  That is self sacrificing leadership, and I joyfully submit to that love.  

I think many husbands think of giving their lives for their wives as some hypothetical action movie scene where they run in front of a moving train or into a burning building...as noble as that may be, a man who gives his life unselfishly to his wife and children each and every morning, in all the little moments and decisions is much more heroic.   He is not whipped into being a servant by a nagging "goddess" who demands to be served....but rather a voluntary, courageous taking of responsibility for the well being of his wife and children.  

That moment was such a genuine display of love and humility.  

It was Jesus love at work in his people.  

It's pretty awesome...

It's pretty awesome to have a Dad that is willing to drop what he's doing to slam out a sword and shield....just because he knows it will make you into a brave dragon fighting knight.

It's pretty awesome to have a Dad that will find the patience and time to sit and play battle ship with a table full of kids who have no idea how to play battle ship.

Yup, It's pretty awesome to have a husband who loves his kids this much. 

It's pretty awesome to have a  husband who generously embraces being a father to the fatherless.

In a world that is desperately short on men willing to be Dads....

it's pretty awesome to be married to one that 

loves being a Daddy,  a Baba,

a Tio, 

and an uncle to a bunch of kids that need a glimpse of what the Father's love looks like.  

I married the wrong person

I may as well get that right out in the open.

I did not marry my "soul mate", nor did I marry someone who completes me.   He doesn't make me happy.  He wasn't my ticket to a better life.  He didn't  make me want to be a better person, in reality, marriage tempted me to become a much worse person.

{August, 10 1996}

It didn't take long into my whirlwind engagement and marriage at the age of 19 years old to realize these things.    However, it took me at least a decade to figure out that "making me happy" wasn't  a part of my husband's job description or even a healthy way to look at marriage.   When two needy people run toward each other like human vacuums it doesn't create a self sacrificing, servant hearted, loving atmosphere...it creates life sucking chaos.

  Contrary to what popular romantic culture, and the Bachelor, would have us believe there is no perfect "soul mate" waiting to "complete" us.   In reality marriage is two kingdoms colliding, but there is a third Kingdom that enables us to become one...even if that oneness is still sometimes messy.


 I should probably break it to you now....you didn't marry the "right" person either. "The one" who will make your dreams come true doesn't exist. You most likely married someone with baggage, selfishness, unhealthy coping skills, and pride.   The most astonishing news of all might be that...your spouse married that wrong person too!   We ALL marry the "wrong" person because we are all wrong people.  Two sinners doing life together most certainly does NOT equal happily ever after without a whole lot of effort.   This doesn't mean being married to that person is wrong.  Just because marriage isn't always sunshine and roses, doesn't mean that God doesn't have a glorious purpose for your relationship.

  "I married the wrong person", "love shouldn't be work", and  "I deserve to be happy".  I've heard even Christians say these things as they walk away from a marriage.  If these lies are becoming a regular part of your thought life and you are tempted to give up hope... the good news is that a great marriage doesn't come without the bad times, it comes after them...when we are willing to do the tough stuff to get through it.  A good marriage comes from years of perseverance, sacrifice, and tenacity.   It is shaped in the fires of mistakes, disappointments, failures, repentance and humility. (Of course, if one person selfishly walks away there isn't much the other person can do but pick up the pieces.)

In all truth, I will only ever need one "soulmate".   There will only ever be one who fulfills me.   There is only one who can bring me true joy.  There is only one Savior and one God who will love me perfectly.  Out of that perfect love I have been given all I need to love my spouse.  Instead of bitterly focusing on what your spouse doesn't do, or who he isn't like, focus on Jesus ...what He did, who He is.

"Because Jesus has done everything for you, you can do everything for others without needing others to do anything for you. That's freedom!"  Tullian Tchivijian

We can't continue to view marriage as a 50/50 arrangement.  Both the husband and the wife will keep score differently and become frustrated when they don't see the other pulling their fair share.  Marriage has to be 100%.  We have to give 100% regardless of what our spouse does or doesn't do.  In time you might just love her into being  lovable, or respect him into being respectable.  

 When we expect things from our husband that can only come from God, we have turned him into our god, our functional savior.   He becomes our idol.   That which we idolize we will also come to demonize when they fail to rescue us, perfectly love us, or live up to all our expectations.   It won't take long before all we see are the failures. Our vision becomes colored by our own bitterness.  Sadly that's where most people lose hope, count their losses, and bail out.

I remember specific days, months and years that I assumed this would eventually be our tragic end.  I thought about it, expected it, and sometimes even prepared for it.   Although I didn't ever leave the marriage legally, I did bail out emotionally....and that's really not much better.  It was a lonely place to be.

By God's grace our story didn't end there.

There is hope for renewal.  There is hope for a beautiful, deep, soul nurturing friendship with our spouse.
Instead of saying "I deserve a new spouse" or  "I deserve to be happy".  We should start with the question  "How can I BE a new wife to my husband?"
"How can I BE a better friend?"
"How can I love him like Jesus loves me?" (even when you don't even like him all that much)
Start by praying that your own heart would be changed....then pray for him in an unselfish way.

After all, love isn't a feeling that we passively fall in and out of.....true love is a choice, it is an action.   True love isn't following our shallow little hearts it is purposefully leading our hearts.   True love isn't doing what feels "right", it's doing right even when we don't feel like it.

{15 years and more in love than ever}

What if we looked at marriage as a journey toward holiness rather than our recipe for happiness (If that recipe didn't work for us, we throw it out and try another).  As we learn to forgive, repent, and show grace we start to image Christ a little more.    As the years slowly start to chip away our own selfishness and pride we start to view our spouse a little more like Jesus does...and we start to actually see our own sin instead of just magnifying theirs.

Fifteen and a half years after those two starry eyed strangers walked down the isle together, I can honestly say we are more in love, we are better friends, and we actually like each other (most of the time).  We are no longer looking at each other through lenses filled with stars and rainbows, or lenses filled with bitterness and hurt....we are looking through lenses of grace and truth.

I adore my husband, not as my functional savior, but as my best friend.
When he's away, I eagerly anticipate his return.  I feel like a part of me is amputated
because
we have FUN together.
We laugh with each other.
We are honest with each other.
We enjoy each other's company.
We pray for and with each other.
We serve others together...and we serve each other.
He helps me want to be more like Jesus.

I thank God that my life is blessed by him.

He loves, leads and sacrificially serves his family in a way that reflects more and more how Christ loves, leads and sacrificially serves the Church.  

You can have a new marriage with the SAME spouse too!  It is possible through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit at work in two selfish hearts.   We are living proof of that beautiful resurrection marriage.

                                                           
Here are some resources that have recently been helpful in our quest to love each other better.  You have to start somewhere...and that usually starts with one person deciding that the marriage is worth fighting for.

A new book that we recently read together is called "Real Marriage, the truth about sex, friendship, and life together."  It was a very helpful, very vulnerable, very honest, ...and apparently (based on some reviews) even a little bit controversial  look at marriage.  I suppose it's "controversial" because it doesn't shy away from Biblical truth but at the same time it isn't filled with sugar coated churchy platitudes. It talks about real issues that affect real marriages in this generation, within the framework of God's design for marriage. It may not be written for the 80 year old organ player at your church, but in our hyper-sexualized, confused culture...it is very timely.

We liked it.   It's focus on marital friendship was refreshing.

My home church has also started a marriage series along the same themes.  Check it out...so far it's really good.  Seriously, put it on your ipod and listen to it.  You can find the first sermon here.http://gracesask.com/media/?sermon_id=70  . The first message is  "New marriage , same spouse".   If you look back a few weeks there are some really great sermons on things like forgiveness and bitterness that aren't part of the marriage series but are super good....and obviously apply to marriage as well.

Another book , that I haven't read yet but I hear is really good, is a book by
Tim Keller called "The meaning of Marriage"


Looks like it's the year of reclaiming our marriages!

Why settle for a lifeless marriage when God wants to transform our marriages into something that reflects both the beauty of the gospel and the oneness of the Trinity.

My husband is a ....

Hardworking provider. 

Talented woodworker.

Passionate Hobiecat sailor.

Loving father who connects with each one of his kids 

and invests in his relationship with them. 

Committed, playful, and affectionate husband.

Man of integrity and strength, even when surrounded by turmoil, stress, or heartache.

Bold and adventurous follower of Jesus.

Man who seeks God's heart and strives to live His purpose.

We are so thankful for you today my love.

For all you do,

for who you are.

for all the years we've spent together 

and all the years yet to come...

I thank God for you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my love  

13 years!

Thirteen years of living life together.
We began as two young people, taking our first step into the world of adults, full of hopes and dreams. Thirteen years later we have laughed and cried, shared sunshine and storms. We've celebrated carefree days and helped each other through long troubled nights. Your support and love has made my blessings more meaningful and my heartaches easier to bear.
We have been through so much together.

Two kids began a journey together, no money, no education, and no idea what what it meant to be married. That long haired mountain boy and that wide eyed farm girl had everything going against them. According to statistics they should have gone their separate ways years ago.
Thirteen years later we are still hand in hand waiting to see what God brings around the next corner.

It hasn't all been easy. We've had our share of hard times and disappointment along the way.
There were days and years when it seemed it would be easier to cut our losses and walk away from the life we had begun.
With God's help, and because of our enduring commitment to each other ,we have made something beautiful.
Two imperfect people in love with a perfect God.
Two imperfect people learning a little more every day how to love each other as God intented.

In 13 years we have lived in 3 different countries, 5 houses (not including camping trailers) and have had many different jobs. We have made 5 children, 3 of which we have the privilege of loving here on earth. We have opened our hearts to 5 other children for various lengths of time as well. Life has never been dull but there is no one I'd rather share this adventure with!

One of the greatest gifts of our relationship is the comfort of always knowing I can be myself with you.
I can be silly, serious, spazzy, spontaneous or sad and I know when I need a friend ... I never have to be alone.
You accept me for who I am but encourage me to be the woman God intended for me to be.
You have taught me what loving unconditionally means.
True love is a choice..we have chosen to love even when love gets hard.
The beauty of our love ,that was founded on commitment and established by effort, is that it has been freed to grow into something pure and passionate.
We left behind all false expectations and selfish ambitions long ago.
Our marriage has been refined in fire and has come out pure and lasting.

You are my best friend and my one and only.

Valentines weekend

As you can see it was a busy weekend complete with demolition and rebuilding our bathroom, Valentines day and a curling bonspiel. Here is Roman in his dream job. He keeps asking when he can smash up our other bathroom. It does need to be renovated to so I assured him he would be the first to help with the demolition. This was one of those jobs that took a lot longer than it should have. One moldy shower led to a moldy wall, insulation etc. Terrible plumbing , awful wiring. I think Nathanael felt like a Holmes on Homes episode. We now have a functioning, non rotting, shiny new bathroom though. Pictures to follow.

Aili , our resident party girl, helped me make Valentines cupcakes to surprise the boys and Daddy. That's about as festive as I get. Its a good thing I have Aili or I would completely flake out on most holidays.

Here is Silas getting a turn to "help". Much to his Daddy's frustration. Silas' idea of helping is dumping out the boxes of screws, stealing the tools and hiding them, and bending ceiling panel supports.

Last Friday was our school's annual curling bonspiel, complete with food booth (which I had the pleasure of working in with two toddlers), and a bake sale (which I kind of forgot about, fortunately I had cookies in the freezer)......and a prize for every participant. Even the ones who spent most of the time rolling around on the ice or thought it was cool to try to throw two rocks at a time. Yes Roman was a participant this year. I'm thinking curling might not be his thing...not enough body contact , speed or adrenaline. I really can't blame him,
in fact in my opinion there is not a more boring sport. There my secret is out, I might just be stoned for heresy in this curling fanatical community. I think I am the only woman in a 40 mile radius who is not a part of a curling team or has not played in the woman's bonspiel. I may be a social outcast because of it...but I just can't bring myself to stand out on that cold ice holding a broom. I spend enough time holding a broom in my own house.

Saturday my husband and I went on our big date. The one I wrote about earlier...yes I was that excited. We decided that since we were driving an hour to get to the church that was showing the movie "Fireproof" that we would leave a little earlier drive half an hour further to go eat in the City. We forgot however to factor in the reality that everyone in the world was eating out that night and every restaurant had at least an hour wait time just to be seated. We consented to eating "ee burritos" in our car (which is still much more pleasurable than eating with 4 kids so I wasn't all that disappointed) when we decided to try one last restaurant. To our surprise they got us right in and we were served an amazingly delicious meal complete with candle light, table cloths and wine. I know table cloths aren't that big a deal to the average person but keep in mind I could clean off our table with a fire hose after two toddlers are finished with it...so sitting at a table with a table cloth seemed so ..well...refined. No noses to wipe, no spills to clean up, no chasing two year olds back to the table , just peace and conversation.

Even the drive was nice, silence, adult conversation and no Vegi Tales playing over the stereo system. It was worth all the effort, money and the long drive! The movie was really good too. They even had popcorn and treats for us! I'm a sucker for movies and popcorn. It wasn't as cheesy as I kind of expected it to be, it was hard hitting and dealt with tough marriage issues. I'd recommend it to anyone, especially if your marriage is under stress or seems beyond hope. The book refered to in the movie , although hand written in the movie, is a real book called "The Love Dare". My in-laws wisely bought each of their kids one for Christmas. At the time it kind of flew under the radar but as we got home and started reading one day at a time (there are 40 days worth of readings.) I realized what an amazing resource it actually is.
So many of those types of books are super lame, or irrelevant but this one is different. Each day is a couple pages of reading (totally manageable , even late at night) incredible insights into what real love truly is and not in a pie in the sky unrealistic kind of way or in a lame, duh, kind of way (I realize that I have just stooped to a new low using the word "duh" in a post).

One of the lines in the movie( that is also in the book )that stood out the most to me was "Don't follow your heart, your heart can be deceived, but lead your heart instead."
Our hearts tell us the grass is greener on the other side, our hearts can tell us that we are no longer "in love", our hearts can grow cold, our hearts are naturally selfish, our hearts are full of hurts and resentment, our hearts lead us into so many dangers and heartaches. But instead we should intentionally LEAD our hearts , that does not mean our hearts are not involved, but rather we CHOOSE to love, we choose to be faithful, we choose to honor and treat our partners as sacred, we choose to show patience, kindness, and self control....even when sometimes those things are not reciprocated. God doesn't love us because we are so extremely lovable or deserving, but he loves us in a way that is sacrificial, pure, and unconditional. That is the kind of love that must be nurtured in a marriage if it is to last.

It is not limited to marraige though....I could be anyone that we are in contact with that seem "unlovable", difficult, inconvenient, or just irritating . They can also be the recipient of this type of love. A love that is not based on rewards, or fussy feelings but that has been intentionally cultivated and nurtured and can withstand snotty noses, temper tantrums, cold shoulders, and hurt feelings. It is a love that cannot come from ourselves unless we ourselves are recieving it from the source. That source is God.

So often, especially in marriage, actions come first and the feelings follow. Marriage is tough, it is tedious, it is amazing, it is painful, it is fun...it is so many things , often all in the same day! I can honestly say that this Valentines day was better than any Valentines day in our 12 years of marriage...at least that I remember. Not just because we went on a wonderful date, not only because my husband bought me three presents (and I gave him a card and cupcakes...will have to reevaluate next year)....but because this year we are more in love than we have ever been. We weren't just going through the motions. A few years ago I didn't even know it was possible ....and now we are living proof of a marriage restored. We aren't perfect, we still have our struggles, but we are committed ...and we are working on building the kind of marriage that God wants for us. Another line in the movie was something to the effect of ' Fireproof doesn't mean that we won't face the fire but that we are able to withstand the heat. ' That's what I want for my marriage...we will face fire, life has a way of bringing us face to face with it sometimes..but we will make it through together.

That brings me to my next adventure with my beloved hubby and best friend......3 days until we leave for Mexico!!! Can you tell I'm excited? Its hard to type while jumping up and down so I'd better stop here.