A week of sports

Spring has been packed with activity. After a winter of hibernation Aili and Roman both were eager to join some spring sports. Aili chose to play base ball and Roman (who hates base-ball) really wanted to play soccer. So we have had practices three times a week and sometimes an actual game thrown in there too. I realize that most families live like this all the time, running from one event to another, but we usually don't. As much as I appreciate my kids being involve d and learning skills we've usually erred on the side of being home bodies. Having kids in every lesson, sport and activity is not only expensive but time consuming. Its a balance though..I want them to find things they are good at. Playing sports, doing ballet or music lessons are very valuable for learning discipline, commitment, team work etc. but I also hate running ragged. My kids like down time at home....I like them having down time at home too. This last couple weeks have been a bit crazy with all the activity and having an unexpected newborn thrown in the mix! Its been fun to watch the kids though. Silas has been rather upset that he is never included in the sporting activities so he just helps himself then goes and lines up to do warm ups with the team.

Romans first track and field day. This boy loves to run...I think long distance might be his niche someday though. He's like the energizer bunny! Were he lacks in natural speed he makes up for in sheer effort. He had a fun day. It was FREEZING though and I was chasing a two year old (a disgruntled angry one at that...why is this kid never included in the big kid races?) so they had a lot more fun than I did. I was grumpy and cold the whole time actually and missed most of the events because of the above stated reason. Good times.

Fly Aili fly. Nice form. If you ever want a good laugh watch elementary kids try to do highjump!

And were back to Silas trying to join Aili in outfield...ready with his batting helmet of course.

Amazing Grace

I am going to switch gears a little. For the whole month of May I focused on parenting, motherhood (and foster parenting). There has been something else that has been on my heart a lot in the past months. I am in a season of being refined and many truths that I know in my head are being made real in my heart. That process is not always a painless or easy one.

Forgiveness is a word we spout around in Christian circles a lot but what is it really and when does it apply in our lives? How do we balance both truth and grace? How do we love the sinner and not the sin? What trivialities in our spiritual lives and communities are we focusing our energies on while we are blatantly lacking the "biggies" like grace, forgiveness, mercy and justice? So many big questions have been laid out in front of me this year as I am faced with situations that I never have been before.

I read the parable of the lost son this morning and it was full of gems that I have never internalized before when reading it. The basis of the story is that a man had two sons. One son decided to take his inheritance early (in that culture meaning that his father was as good as dead to him) and go off and spend it in all sorts of relativist, self indulgent living. He eventually hit rock bottom as that self focused/ live for the moment life tends to do. But after a stint of living as a bottom rock dweller he came to his senses and decided to go back home and ask for forgiveness.

The son had willingly given up his spot in the family, had sinned against his father and against God, he had brought great shame and disgrace to his family.

I love how the father reacts when he sees him coming down the road

" While he was still a long way off his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him;
he ran to his son , threw his arms around him and kissed him.

The son said to the father "I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

But the father said to his servants, Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.
Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it.
Lets have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate."

He didn't require him to grovel or beg for forgiveness....in fact he threw his arms around him before the son even got out his apology. He didn't give him a long list of boundaries and rules to follow to earn his place back into the family circle. He didn't give him and earful about all the pain and shame he caused. He didn't give him a place out back in the barn until he could prove himself worthy.
He embraced him.
He kissed his face.
He ran to him (as opposed to a dignified stately walk in his direction. )
He gave him the family signet ring giving him full signing rights as a son.
He gave him a robe and sandals to make his status as the wealthy mans son known to all.

That is how God welcomes us. That is how we come into his kingdom...the past forgiven and embraced with grace. The reason Jesus told this parable was to give us a glimpse of the Father and his love for each of us. In knowing the heart of the Father and having his Spirit living within us how can we not act the same way to others?

The part of the story we often miss is the older brothers reaction to the return of the prodigal.
He is the brother who has been good and loyal. He has worked hard and kept up a righteous image. But if you look at the story closer you can see his heart is just as far from the father as the prodigals was.
The older brother was angry.
He disrespectfully confronted his father and questioned his wisdom.
He refused to join the celebration.

In his mind the younger son hadn't earned a spot in the family, he had forfeited that right. He didn't deserve it. The older brother wanted to see hard justice done....he wanted the younger son to get what thought he had coming to him.

The older brother lacked grace. He lacked the eyes and the heart of the Father. He could not see what was actually happening in the situation because he was so focused on his own hurt, his own agenda and his own convicitons.

The story never says whether the older brother comes to his senses and joins the celebration eventually or not. I kind of hope he did. Or he might have stomped off with his arms crossed vowing never to attend a family function as long as his brother was there. Maybe he went home to pout, maybe he ran around town frantically telling his sob story to anyone who would listen. Maybe he spread around all the horrible things that his brother did. Maybe he jumped on a band wagon made picket signs and protested in front of the fathers house.

ok I 'm getting carried away here....but how do we react sometimes when we feel slighted. When we feel that someone didn't get what they deserved? Or even worse got something that they didn't deserve? Do we show grace? Do we forgive? Do we welcome with open arms someone who's past might be wrought with sin and shame? Someone who is different, someone who doesn't fit our legalistic mold ? Someone who intentionally hurt us?

Jesus was known as a friend to sinners...in fact this contributed to the religious legalistic Pharisees wanting to kill him.


" We have the modern and insidious type of Pharasiaism, the unconscious hypocrite, the man or woman not of fraud, but of pose, not of deep and dark design, but of subtle egotism, prompt certainty and facile religiosity. " Dr. Forstyth

Legalists, Pharisees , hypocrites and older brothers exist not only in the new testament but live all around us....maybe they are us. They are unfortunately bred in the very churches and religious circles that should be following the example of Christ.

Christ embraced the unlovable, the flawed, the shamed , the sick, the wounded, the weak. He showed just how much he desires the undesirable.

How can we do any less as his followers? I've heard it said that we only love God as much as the person we love the least.

ouch

Unforgiveness is a cancer that spreads through our hearts and through our societies causing nothing but pain, wars, factions, church splits, revenge, rifts and shows like Jerry Springer.

Forgiveness is a completely unnatural act. One of the things that separate us from the animal world is ability to forgive and extend grace. It goes against our very human nature though to extend something to someone that they don't deserve. To love someone who has hurt us.

Grace not only separates humans from animals but it also separates Christianity from all other religions. The idea that we don't have to earn, petition, reincarnate, lash our selves or jump through hoops to get to God. He's there waiting with open arms....all we have to do is turn around and start that journey home.

I've heard grace defined as giving something to someone that they haven't earned, that they don't deserve but that they desperately need.

It takes something from us to extend grace...our pride, our vendetta, our own rights and even our own hurts. We set aside those things when we forgive. We are made vulnerable.
Grace costs the giver something.

Look at what Gods grace cost Him. I'm glad when I came Gods door He embraced me with open arms instead of making me earn my way back in from the ground up first...or telling me I've disappointed Him too much or brought Him too much shame. For I most certainly have done both...I still do.

We didn't earn our way into Gods kingdom, into his family. He made us sons and daughters. Put a ring on our fingers. He covered our filthy rags with a robe. He celebrated us and rejoices over us with singing.
The truth is I could never earn my way back into the family of God because I don't deserve to be there. None of us do. That's called grace....it cost me nothing....it cost him everything. I was pardoned, the penalty was paid, I got my get out of jail free card and cashed it in.

It is hard to forgive but we must do it.

The bible is explicably clear on that topic...(also on the topic of judging others).

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins"
Matthew 6:15

Clear as a bell eh?

Not easy, not simple... but clear. With the help of the Spirit of God we are able to have our hard crusty hearts changed into forgiving loving ones.

There is a world of difference between condoning and forgiving. In loving the sinner and not the sin.
Maybe the older son didn't want to go to the party because it would show that he condoned his brothers poor choices and his past. He wouldn't want to be associated with that....what would his friends think? He wanted to make a stand and prove by his absence his own lack of approval.

To condone evil is simply to ignore it and pretend that it is good. In order for forgiveness to be complete sin must be acknowledged for what it is. Forgiveness needs to be accepted as well as offered. Sometimes it involves going backwards in order to move forward. Forgiveness acknowledges the past hurt and the sin but it separates it from the person. It is freeing that person from the weight of their sin and in turn frees us from our own burden of bitterness.

Lots to think about. Its easy to spout off ideals like forgiveness and grace in our Christian circles but its not so easy when we are face to face with someone who seems unforgivable.
That's when head knowledge becomes heart knowledge.
That's were the "rubber meets the road".
That's when we have an opportunity to practice, in the nitty gritty reality of life, what we have acknowledged as bibical truth.
Any thing less is hypocritical....merely an act or a facade of righteousness.

Allow the Spirit of God today to search your hearts and illuminate hidden unforgiveness, bitterness, hatred, resentment, dissention or gossip ...any attitude of heart and spirit that is in direct conflict with that of God...and allow His cleansing to happen.


In his Amazing Grace,

Carla

Tired

Its been a long day. I am exhausted in every sense of the word. In fact I have no idea why I'm not in bed other than I have too much rattling around in my head that I need to purge myself of. Nights of limited sleep (3 hours some nights) and a very emotionally trying day has left me feeling all used up. I feel more like an old worn out rag than a woman right now. I think a good nights sleep tonight will bring a whole new rejuvenation...I'm hoping. That and some pouring my heart out to God and filling myself up in Him.

We went to the city today with Peanut to pass him off to his new foster parents. It was hard. I've been pretty controlled over the weekend and had pretty much cried my tears out the first couple days after we learned we had to take him back so soon. I had wrapped my mind around it all. This morning I was fine the whole drive in..but my throat started to clench and my eyes started to water as we walked into the building. I tried my best to put on a brave face throughout the exchange but holding it all in was exhausting and made my head ache and my throat hurt. It was hard to force my arms to unwrap themselves from him and buckle him into someone else's carseat. I really don't like crying in public. It all came out on our way back out to the car carrying the empty car seat though. I feel even less assured than I did before and still can't really understand what the decision process was in this. I know it could have been a lot worse for him though and I think he will be well taken care of and loved where he is going (at least until the next move. ) Still its hard not to feel like he's mine. Even though I know in my head that he's not. The truth is my hubby and I both fell in love with him and would have made him a part of our family in a heart beat.

I am realizing after my initial rant last week that it isn't wrong to love him like I did. It might seem foolish but its the only way I operate. I will not hold back love when it is needed...even if it hurts more later. I'm a big girl. I'll be ok. My heart is tired but fortunately it is intimately connected to a heart much bigger than my own. I know I will be able to open it up again (even though last week I was ready to quit)....the truth is I love being a foster parent. I think that's why I felt so confused. If this is something that is so good, so right and so what I'm meant to do (which is how it feels)....then why does it feel so rotten and hurt so bad too? I know realize that I'm willing to take the one in order to experience the other. I think I understand that now. Just because it hurts doesn't mean its not something good.

After we left the drop off building we went out to do some shopping and errands. We have to take full advantage of every trip to the city, even though I kind of felt like going home to bed and pulling the covers over my head. Only a few minutes into shopping I got a phone call from "placement" saying they had two more babies that needed to be discharged from the hospital (3 days old and 7 days old). We seriously considered taking our empty car seat over to the hospital but after talking for a while and talking to the social worker we decided to pass this time and open our home again for the next little one who needs it. I need sleep. I need to refuel physically, emotionally and spiritually in order to have another go. I know my limit. I know I could manage but I would not be a nice person to be around while doing it. I think we realized this time though that we really enjoy the little ones. I think I'll leave all the baby stuff in the spare room for the next one. I have a feeling we'll be a baby house. Although I have no idea who God will bring across our paths next.

I'm so proud of my kids. They have been so sweet to our new additions each time. Silas was such a sweetheart to Peanut. He was SO gentle and loving toward him. I never once had to reprimand him for being too rough or being mean to the baby. He loved to hold him and help feed him. He helped him find his soother and brought him blankets. Keep in mind Silas is two years old. I worried about his transition through this most since its hardest for him to understand why kids keep disappearing around here. I started telling him a few days ago that Peanut was going to another home, to another mommy. Every time I explained it Silas proclaimed adamantly "(peanut) like dis mommy...like dis house....no go another one mommy!" and then he would contort his little face and start in on a very dramatic and very staged cry. It was so cute and so sad at the same time. He started in on the dramatic fake wailing when he examined the empty baby car seat I had brought back in the house this evening. "Where baby? WAAAAA" .
I made sure to reassure him that he only has one mommy and that he was staying with me. I don't want him to worry that he might disappear next.

Both Aili and Roman asked right away "so when are we getting another one?" " Can we get a girl this time?" (Aili). They are ready to get back on the horse. I make sure to have lots of open conversations about our being a foster family. Because as a foster family the whole family is involved even the kids. I want them to know they have a voice in this too. So far their hearts are open and I am consistently amazed at all that they are willing to share. Even their mommy.

I know in the days and even months to come there will be times when the tears will come unexpectedly. Times when I think about him and wonder about him. I still think about Kade and shed a tear once in a while, even months later. The sadness and missing is different than the death of a child (at least so far it has been for me) but there is still that coming and going of those emotions. Fine one day and sad the next. Happy one minute and then crying the next when I come across a piece of clothing or a toy that was left behind. It does bring back feelings reminiscent of a grief of long ago...there is an unpleasant familiarity in these empty arms and empty cradle. I know that they won't have a chance to stay empty long though. There are too many precious little ones out there who need loved on and need a home. I think the past loss of my own child maybe helped to make me strong enough for this work. It made me realize how much I can hurt and still survive, even thrive...and made me realize just how strong my God is when I am weak. Its amazing how God will use our past to equip us for what he has for us in the future. I can see that more clearly now.

Well I'd better go get caught up on some sleep so I can clean my dirty house and get caught up on that mountain of laundry tomorrow. Thanks for your prayers today. Please pray that Peanut and his brother would be made available and be placed in a loving forever home.

Never a Dull Moment

My little artist. Spectacular use of colour and design....next time use the paper please. Thankfully I only stock washable markers.

My goons doing what they do best. Being silly.

Aili in her new base ball shirt. She has had 2 real games this season already. I like the flaming base ball logo :)

I still have no idea how Roman broke his helmet falling off his bike but I'm sure glad he had the helmet on. A good reminder that a big wipeout going down a hill is enough to crack a melon....or in this case the helmet protecting that melon. All he had out of it was a headache. I guess we'll be shopping for a new helmet this week. He told me he wants a full face guard too (cuz that would look so cool)...I'm thinking thats not a bad idea for this boy.
Just a glimpse of the many moments that keep life interesting!

Finding peace

I wanted to update really quick and say that I am feeling a lot more peace about the situation. After talking to the social worker again it actually sounds like a pretty good situation for him, better than a lot of the other things that have been suggested. My heart is slowly catching up to reality. I quickly went and had some pictures of him printed and found a little scrap book album. Last night I put together a little baby book of his two weeks here and his time in the hospital. The theme is what a precious little boy he his and how much he is loved already...even as he moves to a new home. I left lots of empty pages for the next mommy to start filling in (I even bought some extra ones). I think it will be good for him someday to have a record of those early days and to know that he was loved right from the start. I kept it very positive making no reference to foster care, drug addiction etc. I only referred to myself as the one who brought him home from the hospital and his mommy for a short time. I showed him how much the other kids love on him and told him how much I cherished the time he spent with us. Of course I included other things like his id bracelets and NICU cradle card.

I am so not a "scrapbooker" (those woman who can cut on some paper and make it a work of art) but I got across the info that I wanted to and it felt great to do that for him..
well I'd better go get some kids off to school. This little guy was awake most of the night again. Hopefully I will be able to grab a nap at some point. I will miss this guy terribly but I don't think I will miss him from 1am -5am. Gotta run. Thanks for your sweet words of encouragement and prayers...they mean so much.

I hate goodbyes!

I got a phone call from peanut's case worker yesterday. There has been a sudden change in case plan for him. And this new plan doesn't include us anymore. They origionally gave us a 3 month estimate but usually 3 months leads to many more. Not this time. I feel like I've been sucker punched and just got the wind knocked out of me. I feel ridiculous for feeling so sad because I obviously knew this would happen eventually...but eventually you can set aside and try not to think about. I also got my heart into this mess. I thought I would do better this time at not getting attached or not completely falling in love. No such luck. I am such a mess right now. Sleep deprivation is not helping my coping skills right now I'm sure. We've had a lot of typical newborn rough nights lately. He's such a little sweetheart though and such a content little guy. He's changing so quickly as newborns do. He's noticing the world around him now, focusing on me and watching my face as I feed him. I was looking forward to his first smiles...I've only seen his sleeping smiles and they were a heart melting sneak peak. I couldn't help but dreaming about the what ifs and possibilities of the future...I tried not to but its really hard not to picture life with this little boy in our family.

I am so full of questions, self doubt, disappointment and grief right now I don't even know how to function at the moment. I know as the days pass it will get easier. It is just taking time to wrap my mind around it. Again I feel ridiculous for even feeling like that. I should be more professional or something. We will be passing him off early next week. I am really questioning my suitability for this short term placement thing. We are currently short term because our long term plans include leaving the country next winter and working in Mexico at a home for children. I'm questioning everything once again. I don't know what God is doing in my life right now or if I'm totally missing something I am supposed to see. I feel confused.

I got myself into this. I brought home from the hospital and loved on a tiny dependant new baby. He's 18 days old today which doesn't seem like that much time but he is already ingrained into our family. It is already hard to picture us without him. We'll be putting away the cradle and emptying the dresser once again. I hate that part. It will be hard on my kids this time. I think my daughter said it best that we should just get one we can keep someday. I am doubting my purpose in all of this.

My heart is feeling like a big old piece of swiss cheese right now. Little people keep taking big chunks and leaving with them.
Logically it is easier now to let go than it will be in a few months. My house is a mess (we've had a unusually hectic week with lots of coming and going), the laundry is piled high, I am exhausted. Logic would say that this is a good thing, I will have my life back, I will have my full nights of sleep back. Unfortunately my heart isn't listening to the logic I keep trying to tell it.

PLEASE pray with me for this precious little boy. For his future, for his development and health....that above all he would be loved like he deserves to be loved.

May 26

9 years ago today.

We held you in our arms.

We kissed your little face.

We wondered how we could ever say goodbye.

A short hour later you entered into your eternal home.
Into a life that makes our life look like a mere shadow.
Moving images that ,if traced to their origin, only reveal a larger story.
You are forever a part of that story.
You are held in the arms of the Author.
As am I.
You are home.
I am homesick.

Happy 9th Birthday Samuel

We love you