I got a phone call from peanut's case worker yesterday. There has been a sudden change in case plan for him. And this new plan doesn't include us anymore. They origionally gave us a 3 month estimate but usually 3 months leads to many more. Not this time. I feel like I've been sucker punched and just got the wind knocked out of me. I feel ridiculous for feeling so sad because I obviously knew this would happen eventually...but eventually you can set aside and try not to think about. I also got my heart into this mess. I thought I would do better this time at not getting attached or not completely falling in love. No such luck. I am such a mess right now. Sleep deprivation is not helping my coping skills right now I'm sure. We've had a lot of typical newborn rough nights lately. He's such a little sweetheart though and such a content little guy. He's changing so quickly as newborns do. He's noticing the world around him now, focusing on me and watching my face as I feed him. I was looking forward to his first smiles...I've only seen his sleeping smiles and they were a heart melting sneak peak. I couldn't help but dreaming about the what ifs and possibilities of the future...I tried not to but its really hard not to picture life with this little boy in our family.
I am so full of questions, self doubt, disappointment and grief right now I don't even know how to function at the moment. I know as the days pass it will get easier. It is just taking time to wrap my mind around it. Again I feel ridiculous for even feeling like that. I should be more professional or something. We will be passing him off early next week. I am really questioning my suitability for this short term placement thing. We are currently short term because our long term plans include leaving the country next winter and working in Mexico at a home for children. I'm questioning everything once again. I don't know what God is doing in my life right now or if I'm totally missing something I am supposed to see. I feel confused.
I got myself into this. I brought home from the hospital and loved on a tiny dependant new baby. He's 18 days old today which doesn't seem like that much time but he is already ingrained into our family. It is already hard to picture us without him. We'll be putting away the cradle and emptying the dresser once again. I hate that part. It will be hard on my kids this time. I think my daughter said it best that we should just get one we can keep someday. I am doubting my purpose in all of this.
My heart is feeling like a big old piece of swiss cheese right now. Little people keep taking big chunks and leaving with them.
Logically it is easier now to let go than it will be in a few months. My house is a mess (we've had a unusually hectic week with lots of coming and going), the laundry is piled high, I am exhausted. Logic would say that this is a good thing, I will have my life back, I will have my full nights of sleep back. Unfortunately my heart isn't listening to the logic I keep trying to tell it.
PLEASE pray with me for this precious little boy. For his future, for his development and health....that above all he would be loved like he deserves to be loved.