5/30/09

Never a Dull Moment


My little artist. Spectacular use of colour and design....next time use the paper please. Thankfully I only stock washable markers.


My goons doing what they do best. Being silly.


Aili in her new base ball shirt. She has had 2 real games this season already. I like the flaming base ball logo :)



I still have no idea how Roman broke his helmet falling off his bike but I'm sure glad he had the helmet on. A good reminder that a big wipeout going down a hill is enough to crack a melon....or in this case the helmet protecting that melon. All he had out of it was a headache. I guess we'll be shopping for a new helmet this week. He told me he wants a full face guard too (cuz that would look so cool)...I'm thinking thats not a bad idea for this boy.
Just a glimpse of the many moments that keep life interesting!
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5/29/09

Finding peace

I wanted to update really quick and say that I am feeling a lot more peace about the situation. After talking to the social worker again it actually sounds like a pretty good situation for him, better than a lot of the other things that have been suggested. My heart is slowly catching up to reality. I quickly went and had some pictures of him printed and found a little scrap book album. Last night I put together a little baby book of his two weeks here and his time in the hospital. The theme is what a precious little boy he his and how much he is loved already...even as he moves to a new home. I left lots of empty pages for the next mommy to start filling in (I even bought some extra ones). I think it will be good for him someday to have a record of those early days and to know that he was loved right from the start. I kept it very positive making no reference to foster care, drug addiction etc. I only referred to myself as the one who brought him home from the hospital and his mommy for a short time. I showed him how much the other kids love on him and told him how much I cherished the time he spent with us. Of course I included other things like his id bracelets and NICU cradle card.

I am so not a "scrapbooker" (those woman who can cut on some paper and make it a work of art) but I got across the info that I wanted to and it felt great to do that for him..
well I'd better go get some kids off to school. This little guy was awake most of the night again. Hopefully I will be able to grab a nap at some point. I will miss this guy terribly but I don't think I will miss him from 1am -5am. Gotta run. Thanks for your sweet words of encouragement and prayers...they mean so much.

5/28/09

I hate goodbyes!


I got a phone call from peanut's case worker yesterday. There has been a sudden change in case plan for him. And this new plan doesn't include us anymore. They origionally gave us a 3 month estimate but usually 3 months leads to many more. Not this time. I feel like I've been sucker punched and just got the wind knocked out of me. I feel ridiculous for feeling so sad because I obviously knew this would happen eventually...but eventually you can set aside and try not to think about. I also got my heart into this mess. I thought I would do better this time at not getting attached or not completely falling in love. No such luck. I am such a mess right now. Sleep deprivation is not helping my coping skills right now I'm sure. We've had a lot of typical newborn rough nights lately. He's such a little sweetheart though and such a content little guy. He's changing so quickly as newborns do. He's noticing the world around him now, focusing on me and watching my face as I feed him. I was looking forward to his first smiles...I've only seen his sleeping smiles and they were a heart melting sneak peak. I couldn't help but dreaming about the what ifs and possibilities of the future...I tried not to but its really hard not to picture life with this little boy in our family.


I am so full of questions, self doubt, disappointment and grief right now I don't even know how to function at the moment. I know as the days pass it will get easier. It is just taking time to wrap my mind around it. Again I feel ridiculous for even feeling like that. I should be more professional or something. We will be passing him off early next week. I am really questioning my suitability for this short term placement thing. We are currently short term because our long term plans include leaving the country next winter and working in Mexico at a home for children. I'm questioning everything once again. I don't know what God is doing in my life right now or if I'm totally missing something I am supposed to see. I feel confused.

I got myself into this. I brought home from the hospital and loved on a tiny dependant new baby. He's 18 days old today which doesn't seem like that much time but he is already ingrained into our family. It is already hard to picture us without him. We'll be putting away the cradle and emptying the dresser once again. I hate that part. It will be hard on my kids this time. I think my daughter said it best that we should just get one we can keep someday. I am doubting my purpose in all of this.

My heart is feeling like a big old piece of swiss cheese right now. Little people keep taking big chunks and leaving with them.
Logically it is easier now to let go than it will be in a few months. My house is a mess (we've had a unusually hectic week with lots of coming and going), the laundry is piled high, I am exhausted. Logic would say that this is a good thing, I will have my life back, I will have my full nights of sleep back. Unfortunately my heart isn't listening to the logic I keep trying to tell it.

PLEASE pray with me for this precious little boy. For his future, for his development and health....that above all he would be loved like he deserves to be loved.


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5/26/09

May 26



9 years ago today.


We held you in our arms.
We kissed your little face.
We wondered how we could ever say goodbye.


A short hour later you entered into your eternal home.
Into a life that makes our life look like a mere shadow.
Moving images that ,if traced to their origin, only reveal a larger story.
You are forever a part of that story.
You are held in the arms of the Author.
As am I.
You are home.
I am homesick.

Happy 9th Birthday Samuel
We love you









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5/22/09

Morning already?

Well the new baby is down for a nap and the boys are watching cartoons. That's right I am totally using the tv as a babysitter while I drink coffee and veg. out on the computer. I'll do parental penance later by letting them help me bake cookies....which I should probably be doing now while the baby sleeps. I don't know if I will be able to follow a recipe right now though. I am in one of those sleep deprivation brain fogs. Excuse me if I am totally incoherent. I'm still just getting used to this new hanging out with a baby in the middle of the night routine.

So far little peanut has been a really easy baby. As far as babies go. He is SO precious. So far he eats when he needs to eat and sleeps when he's supposed to sleep (except from 3.30-5 last night ) He's a great independent napper though which is a blessing when I've got 3 other kids and a house to keep. I make sure to get lots of snuggle time in with him too....I would do that all day if I had my way. I'm trying to find a baby sling I can borrow though to make him a little more portable. He's still to tiny to fit into my Ergo carrier.

As far as withdrawal symptoms go they have been really mild and he seems comfortable. The only thing I've noticed is he gets little tremors sometimes and a bit more stiff. I give him meds every 8 hours for that and every 4 hours for thrush. I notice about an hour before he is due for his withdrawal meds he gets a little agitated and more jittery. He's not a big cryer though which is nice. After my super colicky last baby (Silas) its nice to have a little guy who doesn't scream for hours on end. That may come though as he is weaned off the meds in the weeks to come. Keep praying for this little guy. The mother admitted to using both alcohol and other various drugs while pregnant. Poor little guy had a lot going against him before he ever took his first breath.

The kids are loving him. Silas is obsessed with the "baby" regularly announcing "my doey" (I can do it), "my how" (I know how), and "my feed baby" . He goes between wanting to look after the baby (which is scary) to acting like one himself.

Roman is a big sweetheart with him of course and loves to sit and snuggle him. The first thing he said when he saw the new baby was "His head looks like 1000 years old!" Interesting new born observation Roman.

Aili is a little mother of course and can't wait to show him off to everyone she knows.

Speaking of showing him off. I wish I could plaster pictures of this gorgeous raven haired baby all over my blog but I can't. Social services recently sent out a letter to all foster homes warning us about posting pictures on public sites. It makes sense I guess. I would never post their real names anyway but I removed "Kade's" pictures from some old posts too.

He's just a little peanut. Currently 6 lbs at 11 days old. He's got jet black hair and eyes and beautiful tiny features. He's starting to take notice of the world around him when he is awake and alert. He really likes to be held. He calms right away when mama picks him up. I'm trying give him lots of interaction and snuggle time. After spending his first 9 days in the NICU he is probably running a bit of a deficit in that department (the nurses their were great though). I've heard that early on in life proper attachment and nurturing develops and essentially awakens specific parts of the brain. This guys going to need every advantage he can get!

I enjoyed my day (Wed.) hanging out at the NICU with him. It was interesting to see all the little babies in there. So many precious little lives off to a rough start. If I lived closer and had time I think I would see if I could volunteer there.

I had the chance (my surprise) to meet little peanut's biological mom. It was a bit of an awkward shock when she showed up and asked who I was. I was just very nice to her and encouraged her to finish feeding him while I went and talked to the nurse. I told her I was there helping out (since I didn't know what she knew at that point.). I went for lunch and a social worker came and made sure she understood everything that was happening. I went back and visited with her for a while as she spent some time with him. She was actually very sweet with him and brought him a diaper bag full of new little clothes and blankets. She gave them to me to take home with him. She was concerned that he would be warm enough leaving the hospital. It was obvious that, even though she loves him as best she can, she lacks the cognitive capacity to care for another person at this point...especially a fragile little one. I'm really glad I had a chance to meet her and encourage her. It gave me more compassion for her and the obviously hard life she's lived. As a foster parent it is not my job to judge or condemn birth parents....its my job to love and look after their kids when they aren't able to. Its easy to get angry with a person I've never met when I consider the damage done to a precious baby (outraged actually)...but when I saw her my heart broke for her. It is still upsetting to me that someone would do this to a baby but I can see past it. She is a broken hurting person that is unfortunately just part of a cycle that keeps on getting passed to each new generation. The baton was probably passed to her at birth as well. It was great to get off to a good start with her as we will be seeing her at visitations in the future. I'm hoping to make a little scrap book (baby book) for her with his id bracelets, photos and keepsakes. Every baby deserves to have those precious moments recorded.

Well I'd better get back to my boys (all three of them). Little peanut is now sleeping on my chest as I type and Silas is bent on destroying the house.

Thanks for your prayers for us this week. I am feeling better this morning. The last few days I felt a bit under the weather but I seem to have gotten over whatever was trying to get through my immune system. Thankyou for praying.

5/21/09

Happy Birthday to my husband.


Here are some oldy pictures of a birthday he had 3? years ago. That is his twin brother next to him. I'm not exactly sure which is which but I think Nathanael is on the right.



This little boy looks kind of familiar...like another little boy I know.


This is Silas. He is a little clone of his Daddy!

Happy Birthday Honey!
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5/20/09

Bringing home baby

Just wanted to post a quick update. I'm heading to the city this morning to pick up a newborn that needs to be discharged from the hospital. We will be a temporary home for him , probably for the summer. I have never foster parented a newborn before...never mind a drug affected one so this will be a challenging experience I expect. I am a sucker for a teeny tiny baby...but I also know too well how little sleep I will be getting in the next little while. I really like my sleep.
As far as exhaustion level goes at least I am not coming off a tiring pregnancy, recovering from three days of labour, and excessively hormonal. It will be a new experience to have a newborn that did not just recently come out of me. It is also strange to only have a few hours to prepare myself instead of nine months! Please pray for me and our new little baby "R". We will need it in the days to come.
I feel like I might coming down with a cold or something...just that tired icky feeling...which would be rotten timing. Please pray that I would be able to stay healthy while I am waking up to feed a baby every 2 hours and administering meds every 4. Please pray that my own kidlets will adjust easily too (so far they are thrilled) Thankyou!!