I got out!

After too many days months of being cooped up indoors.

I got out!

Out of my house.  Outside.  Fresh air and sunshine.

As you can see we have all been going a little cabin crazy.

In fact, we've been making our own cabins to go crazy in.  

Who knew a roll of duct tape and the cardboard recycling bin mixed together could be such great entertainment!

They were playing...

 " Our house was destroyed in an earthquake.  All we had left to build a shelter with was garbage."

The temperatures soared to a balmy 7 degrees Celsius (ABOVE freezing level!) 

 The snow was sticky.  The eaves were dripping and the sun was shining.  

What a drastic change from a few days ago!

It gave me hope that we might just survive....

 Sticky snowman making snow is fairly rare on the Canadian prairie.  

Warm enough to take a snotty nosed, teething, nap striking baby outside for some fresh air.  

She was thrilled to follow the big kids into the great outdoors. 

Apparently it gave Roman visions of summer.

To say this poor boy has missed his bike would be an understatement. 

He is literally lost without it...miserable.

"MOM, I'm just feeling so HAPPY again!  It feels like flying!"

Maybe he should go out for snowy bike rides more often.

He also made a new friend.  It was a good day.

Please take me back outside mommy.

I have my boots.

Slow Fade

(don't forget to push pause on my playlist at the bottom of the screen)

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Icky feelings

I'm in a funk today.  I can't even blame it on pms.  Nope, it's all mine to claim and muck through.

Discouraged- check
Overwhelmed - check
Annoyed- check
Afraid - check
Angry - check
Frustrated - double check
Inadequate - triple check
Sad - check


I think I'll stop there.

Sometimes being a mom feels overwhelming.  The huge responsibility.  The constant needs.  The million and one ways to screw it up.  I had one of those days where I woke up not really wanting to parent today.  I went through the motions, did my duty but it felt slightly forced.  I guess that's what love is, loving even when you're not really feeling overwhelmed by the feeling of it...or are down right irritated by it.  Sometimes I just want to be selfish and occasionally I resent the fact that people need me.  At the same time I love that people need me! The paradox of parenting.

  On another note.  Disgust and disappointment with  human nature overwhelms me.   Stupidity and ignorance astounds me.  I'm frustrated  with lies.  Frustrated with people whose whole lives are carefully woven webs of deceit.  Sad that I am helpless to remove the web.   Hurt for those wounded by the lies and those still blindly caught in the web.  Maybe I shouldn't care..or know...or notice...but I do.  I know and I care.  Deeply.

I'm sad for souls so wounded  by their pasts that they, in turn ,wound others.   I'm sad for children hurt by parents who are supposed to love, nurture and protect.  I'm sad for  children who grow up unwanted, abandoned,  and destroyed.   I'm sad for every child who ages out of the foster system completely alone in their devastation.  I'm sad for every child who is abused and thrown away.  It breaks my heart that it happens under blind eyes.  It's easier to close our eyes to it

I came across this blog today.  It is heartbreaking but informative.  As  foster parents ,and as a family who has loved on (and hopes to again in the future) hurting, abused and tossed away kids in Mexico, the perspective is very valuable.  The blog is written by a young woman (teen?) who was abused in every way, neglected to the point of starvation,  and then abandoned completely by age 7.  She spent years in the U.S foster system.  She talks very candidly , in very raw uncensored language, about her hurt,  feelings, longings, fears, devastation and damage.  I wish I could give her hope and tell her she is precious, loved, wanted and does have a Father God who's heart breaks every time she cuts own skin trying to escape her pain, or cries herself to sleep.

 Although her posts are hard to read she is very well spoken and  gives tips and perspective to foster parents as to why hurting kids do the things they do...hoarding food, binge eating, lashing out, finding it difficult to trust and how to handle the issues.   It has really helped me as a foster parent, sister, daughter-in-law and friend to better understand kids or adults who have been hurt or abandoned by a parent.  For those of us who haven't been there personally it's difficult to understand how deep that wound cuts.  For foster parents or other people investing in a hurting kids life it's important to know how not to inadvertently make those wounds deeper.

Because my parents are in Haiti, I'm watching more  programs and reading more articles about that nation's utter desperation.  Talk about overwhelming!  I'm so thankful I am safe and comfortable in Canada but at the same time I long to be there among the chaos and devastation.  I think I'm crazy sometimes!

It all feels overwhelming.  The needs.  The task.  The broken world we all live in.
Sometimes I feel like, what's the point? What difference can we really make?

Only One is big enough for it all.

It's not like I'm depressed or clinically anxiety ridden....just bummed out with all the dysfunction and brokenness at this moment.  For now a plate of nachos might do just the trick. Actually, now that the kids have been in bed for 2 hours and I've had some quiet writing time I'm starting to feel better.   :)

If we can't live on a beach...

                                                        

 We'll bring the beach to us.

                                        The boys room has a new coat of paint and a new look.   We changed it from the 'Farm' themed room (that I painted when Roman was a baby 7 years ago) to this Caribbean Adventure/ pirate themed room.   There isn't anything new in the room except for blue paint and the parrots which my parents brought home from Haiti last year.

Other than the base coat of paint it didn't require any money ...just some time and left over cans of paint.

The time it took is the reason the rest of my house looks sadly neglected.  

Mommy was hiding in the bedroom pretending she didn't have children for hours at a time. 

Due to technical difficulties...more pictures to come.   

Whats my idol?

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not life up his soul to an idol..."  Psalm 24:3-4

 I would be the first to volunteer that God is the first in my life, my everything, but if I search deeper and reflect longer I find a whole lot of undealt with idols.  Things that define me, comfort me, and control me other than Christ.


This is the prayer of my heart lately.
Search me and know my heart O God.   Make me smaller and you bigger.  Overwhelm me until I am consumed completely.


"A careful reading of the old and New Testament shows that idolatry is nothing like the crude, simplistic picture that springs to mind of an idol sculpture in some distant country.  As the main category to describe unbelief, the idea is highly sophisticated, drawing together the complexities of motivation in individual psychology, the social environment, and also the unseen world.  Idols are not just on pagan alters, but in well educated human hearts and minds"  Richard Keyes

Am I willing to search and discover what my true idols are?
I need to, but I'm not totally sure that I want to give them up when I find them.

"Every self exists in relation to values perceived as making life worth living.  A value is anything good in the created order - any idea, religion, object or person in which one has an interest, from which on derives significance...These values compete...In time on is prone to choose a center of value by which other values are judged.  When a finite value has been elevated to centrality and imagined as a final source of meaning, then one has chosen a god."  Thomas C. Oden

I think we often picture  idols (other than little statues) as negative influences or things.  They can be ugly things like greed, addictions, and lusts.    Idols can also be relationships, ambition, career, religion, family, quality of life, comfort or approval.   Suddenly idolatry hits closer to home.   A little too close to home.

In our adult Sunday School class we are working through the study by Timothy Keller "Gospel in Life" and we were studying idolatry today...hence the thought process in my head being displayed here.

The question that was asked to help us identify our idols was "What is your greatest nightmare? What do you worry about most?"
What is something that we perceive makes life worth living and gives us our identity, security, purpose or comfort?  These things are not necessarily bad things....in fact they can be gifts, commands,  blessings, or institutions designed by God.  We are the ones that distort them into something we glorify above God.

"Why do we lie, fail to love, or break our promises, or live selfishly? Of course the general answer is because we are weak and sinful, but the specific answer is that there is something besides Jesus Christ that we feel we must have to be happy, something that is more important to our heart that God, something that is enslaving our heart through inordinate desires.  The key to change is therefore to identify the idols of the heart"  Timothy Keller


Could it be that all other commandments are broken because of this one broken commandment of idolatry?

 Christians lie, deceive and cover up sin  because they don't ultimately trust that Christ can be glorified in their brokenness.  We value our own image, respect, approval or status above Christ and his work in us and around us.   We would rather break God's commandments and destroy other people,  than set aside our own idol.

People  fail to love people like Christ does because we idolize our own piety, wisdom, power, sense of superiority,  or control.   We look in disdain at others we consider undesirable, disqualified, or unworthy and bow down  to our own pride.

I fail to trust in God's justice and sovereignty  because I am bowing to the idol of control and approval.
(that and I totally lack patience)

I feel that I need to be vindicated, approved of, understood, and generally liked  for my life to be complete .   Without it I get frustrated and hurt.
 I have been placing my own perceived needs , desires and expectations above my trust in God.
He knows the truth. He understands the situation and He will bring justice and mercy, just not in my timeline or in my way.  He has brought me to this place (which there may or may not be an earthly escape from) for a reason.   I should be able to rest in that knowledge.  I want to trust.  I need to trust.

"All those who do not at all times trust God and do not in all their works or sufferings, life and death, trust in His favor, grace and good-will, but seek His favor in other things or in themselves, do not keep this Commandment, and practice real idolatry,"     Martin Luther

What do I perceive makes my life worth living?
My children
Being a good  mother
feeling useful
being a foster mom
being a wife
making a comfortable home for my family
being respected and loved
health

What if anyone of these things, or all of them, were taken?  If I found myself childless, husbandless, homeless, friendless, or lying in bed unable to move or speak what would I be?  If I became like Job...where would my identity be found?

I'm not suggesting for a second that we distance ourselves from these things, stop working, or that we can love our families too much.  We can however love them in the wrong way and with the wrong priorities.    We can put our security and pride in relationships, bank accounts, or careers instead of God.  Where is my self worth found?

Could I , like Abraham, lay my Isaac on the alter?  Isaac not only represented a long waited for, immensely loved, treasured child but a calling, a purpose, a future and a promise.   Can I place my own purpose, my future and my calling in God's hands trusting Him completely with it?

The funny thing is I  can cling, try to control , strive, and make my life burdened ...but ultimately it can all be lost in a second.    I can't even will my own heart to beat, never mind change anyone else's.

This has already gotten really long.   Congratulations to those of you who have made it this far into my rambling mind.
This is a checklist taken from the book "Gospel in Life" that helped me to recognize  areas of my life that have become idols.  Very thought provoking...obviously by the length of my rant.

Now for those of you who are brave enough, read the following list carefully and contemplatively.  Precede the following statements with "My life only has meaning or I only have worth if...".

" Life only has meaning/ I only have worth if......


-I have power and influence over others   (power idolatry)


-I am loved and respected by ________  ( approval idolatry)


-I am able to get mastery over my life in the area of __________  ( control idolatry)


-Someone is there to protect me and keep me safe   (dependence idolatry)


-I am completely free from obligations or responsibilities to take care of someone   (independence idolatry)


-I am being recognized for my accomplishments, and I am excelling in my work  (achievement idolatry)


-I am highly productive and getting a lot done  (work idolatry)


-I have a certain level of wealth, financial freedom, quality of life, and very nice possessions  (materialism idolatry)  


-I am adhering to my religion's moral codes and accomplished in its activities (religion idolatry) 


this one person is in my life and happy to be there, and or happy with me (individual person idolatry)


-I feel I am totally independent of organized religion and am living by self made morality (irreligion idolatry)


-my race and culture is ascendant and recognized as superior (racial idolatry)


-a particular social grouping or professional grouping or other group lets me in (inner ring idolatry)


-my children and/or my parents are happy and happy with me  (family idolatry)


-Mr or Ms. "right" is in love with me  (relationship idolatry)


-I am hurting, in a problem; only then do I feel worthy of love or able to deal with guilt  (suffering idolatry)


-my political or social cause is making progress and ascending in influence and power  (ideology idolatry)


-I have a particular kind of look or body image (image idolatry)

• What are you worshiping?
• What is sitting on the throne of your heart today?
• What if Jesus said to you “sell it all and follow me”?  Would you do it?

What learning looks like

 This is a glimpse of what learning looks like in our house.  After growing up in a conventional classroom setting and 4 years of having my own kids in public school it's been a big of a challenge to wrap my mind around what learning at home looks like.   I have to regularly remind myself that we are not recreating school at home, we are learning together.  One comment we have heard quite frequently is that primary education is not so much about learning but about learning how to function in a classroom setting.  That confuses me a bit.  I always assumed that education was about about learning new things, learning how to learn, and learning to love to learn.  Whether that happens to be in a classroom, at a kitchen table or in the top of a tree.

After 4 months we are just starting to really find our groove.  We have done a lot of experimenting with routine,  structure and even curriculum. It's taken a lot of trial and error but I think we are finally feeling like this is a natural part of our family life.  I no longer feel like we're playing hooky or like I have to scrutinize the scope and sequence of the public school curriculum to make sure we cover everything they do (or feel like I've got something to prove).  Freedom is the best part about home education and I think I'm learning to let go and enjoy it (and to just push through on the days where enjoying it isn't so easy).

 Silas who just turned 4 wouldn't be eligible to start kindergarten for another two years but he is enjoying "doing school" with us on occasion.  He joins us when he wants to.  We do some basic preschool but for the most part he is happy to just play while we work.    He actually likes to color, cut, glue, write and do book work!  I may start him doing kindergarten work next fall.

On Friday's I am trying to incorporate something a little more "fun" or creative into our day.  Today we did geometry lesson making 3-d shapes with marshmallows and toothpicks.   They loved it!  I'm not the kind of home school mom who gets a kick out of lesson planning, and coming up with creative hands on games. I like the lessons that are all planned out in a book, do a certain number of pages and be done,  curriculum.  I think that's ok too but since my kids are each so different I am trying to stretch myself with this small goal.  Friday fun day.

This little one won't be outdone by her siblings.  She is working hard and learning fast.  The baby gates are up, a handful of "baby signs" are spoken, and  the bathtub plug has been mastered. 

This  started out as a few cubes and pyramids but got a little carried away.  

Are you wondering about the strange outfit? 

I guess that's just one more perk.  No dress code...or even clothes necessary.  They can look like freaks and no one cares. 

My budding Thespians spent their "break" playing....?warrior people?

One thing I am loving about our new together-all-day lifestyle is the constant noise, chatter and mess  is that these kids have once again become best friends. They look out for each other. They take care of each other.  They play together and disappear for hours into their imaginations.  They were like this while we were in Mexico but it all disappeared once we returned and they started bringing home the playground politics and taking out the social pecking order on each other.  It's been an unexpected perk of family schooling.  There is a tight bond between all four kids.

Roman has had an amazing two weeks of schooling.  No tears or begging him to come down off the wall.   I really don't know what changed other than me being more aware of how he learns and doesn't learn.   Out went the  math speed drills and repetitive practice questions.  Once he gets something, he's got it.  We are now flying through his math books and he's loving it.  I had no idea that he was struggling, slowly plodding along through his math questions because they were too easy and infuriatingly boring.  It made no sense because he would act like it was all too hard (writhing crying on the floor saying "I can't do it!" too hard).  He is a boy that can only focus if he is stimulated by it...and will only learn by seeing the big picture.  Knowing how he's wired and how his  brain works has been life altering.  That may sound a bit dramatic but sometimes it's the small things that keep us moms from losing our minds completely.
With only a few modifications (like doing a lot of his work orally because his fine motor skill issues drain the brain power out of him) , a renewed attitude from me, and a cup of coffee for him every morning, we are now surviving and sometimes even enjoying our school work.  Fingers crossed that this lasts more than two weeks.

We were lent some "Handwriting without tears" supplies from the OT he met with last week.  The kids have had fun with them.  I WISH I had these last year when Roman was  still struggling to learn the alphabet!  He'd still rather build the letters than write them.  I may have to invest in a few more "hands on" learning tools.

Silas thought this magnet set was pretty great.

He was pretty proud of himself. 

I found this puzzle at the second hand store for $1.  Silas makes all kinds of different designs and pyramids with it while the big kids do their book work. 

My 4th and 2nd graders do math (Christian Light) curriculum and Language Arts curriculum ( Lifepac for Aili and Explode the Code for Roman).  We learn most everything else through books, creativity, hands on experiences, videos, games, and family life in general.

I ordered this book for Aili as a Christmas gift.  It's been a fun way to learn all about civics, Social studies topics, and politics. 

Little dictator in training?  She has always wanted to rule the world. 

We visit the library once in a while and I've built  up our own library quite a bit this year. 

We've also discovered a few good educational websites to add to our learning package. 

Romans favorite reading and phonics website is game goo.   

Aili has been enjoying learning to type from this one.

That about sums up what learning/ schooling looks like in our home.  

10 months

My little sunshine girl is now ten months old.   She is a smiley, joyful  little butter-ball that has us all wrapped around her chubby little fingers.  She is generous with her giggles which is a good thing because we all love to make her laugh.  Shamelessly.  Big sister and brothers dote on her, fight over who she loves most, and help to entertain and watch her.  The extra sets of eyes and arms are especially useful now that she is an efficient mover.  She is thrilled to have discovered how to crawl.  It makes chasing the other kids, or finding her favorite guy that much easier.  
I am so thankful for this little blessing.  I smooch her squishy cheeks and wonder what I did to deserve such a precious gift.  She rests her head on my shoulder and sings along as I rock her and I whisper a prayer of gratitude that I have this time to spend with her.
As the one year mark approaches I feel more like we've come so far.  When the possibility of adoption was laid on the table last summer we weren't hesitant but we were doubtful.  There were so many hurdles that would need to be jumped and mountains that would need to be moved.  There were SO many things that could go wrong along the way.  This is the foster system we are dealing with.   We have seen God's hand in this processes time and time again.
We are still mucking through, and waiting on an unknown timeline, but I am hopeful and confidant.
In the mean time we are soaking her up.