3/19/09

just missing him


I've been missing my Kade boy the last couple days. I don't know what brought it on but I suppose it will be like this for a while. I wonder how long I will wonder what he's doing, where he's living , if he's being looked after, if he has someone to rock him when he's sad.
I'm missing his help emtying the dishwasher, his cute little words, his expressions, his snuggles, even his cute floppy ears. Its harder than I thought.
We cared for two other little ones in our home for 8 months. I loved those kids and did feel like a mama to them but we knew from the start that we were working toward them being able to go home to their mom, who loved and wanted them. The goodbye was a little sad but we have been able to keep in touch and their mom is great an sending us pictures and updates once in a while. Kade has been different. We have never met his parents, we knew very little about his history...what we did know was nothing that would make us confident that someone was able or willing to care for him. I guess I expected him to be around longer. The goodbye was unexpected and quick...which is typical I guess for foster kids. I had dental appointments, immunization appointments made that had to be cancelled, I had plans to enjoy being outside with him this spring, things to show him, things to teach him. I fell fast and hard for this little guy who was so easy and rewarding to love. I was his mommy....if only for a short time in his life.
Our goodbye with Kade came the same day we left for Mexico. Which I guess was mercifully good timing. It was really hard, to leave him with friends (where he stayed until Social Services picked him up a few days later) knowing he would be watching for us to come back to take him home. I tried to make it casual and not make a big fuss in front of him....I did spend an extra several minutes letting him cling to me like a piece of velcro before I distracted him with some toys said a quick "happy" goodbye and walked out. He cried, I tried my best not to ...until I was out of sight anyway.

I think I will always have a little piece of my heart out there walking around and living a life that I'm not a part of. I still pray for him, and the fact that he has a "stranger" praying for him throughout his life is not a small thing. God knows where he is and what he needs, even if I don't. Its a comforting thing to be able to talk to that God and intercede for my little Kade.

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