Forgiveness is costly

(to avoid auditory chaos don't forget to scroll all the way to the bottom of the blog to pause the music)

Forgiveness   by Beckah Shae
Betrayed and let down, they gossip and slander
They sabotage You as they mock You, it’s just a mess!
But I refuse to amuse the lies
And whether or not they apologize
I’m moving on, I’m going to let go cause I got to fly

Laying down all that’s in the past, no bitterness
Putting aside all my pain and my pride, to be blessed
I’ve learned what we hold against someone else
Will only wind up hurting ourselves
We need love motivation

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

The damage is done, the scars still remain
But I gained wisdom and strength
So I declare the victory is won

I refuse to amuse the pain
Won’t let it take my freedom away
I’m moving on, I’m going to let go
Cause tomorrow’s a better day

Laying down all that’s in the past, no bitterness
Putting aside all my pain and my pride, to be blessed
I’ve learned what we hold against someone else
Will only wind up hurting ourselves
We need love motivation

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

I am only human, I am so imperfect
And I’m whole heartedly
asking You to forgive me, oh
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me

You got to take in the air and just breathe in
Believe in order to let a broken heart
start beat, beat beating’ again
A gain of restored grace
From a flash in a past space
What’s left is a bad taste

Repairing from despair
Which left you unaware
That others desperation of hating’
Which had you stating’ what was done in the past,
History, so ill, the sting from the blow, fast hit, it’s so real

Faced with the options presented
Forgive or resent it. to live or regret it, grip or forget it
You got to love or hate it
See, the truth’s been stated
Let it go, because the past has been dated

Now pardon me of my faults in the fall of me
Dignity placed in all we see
Drawn from a source of what we can’t force
A loving trace of a crimson course
Of course, no remorse in

Forgiveness, there’s healing in your wings
Your peace it lets me breathe
Forgiveness, You’re the reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness

The reason why I live
I’m worth only what I give
Forgiveness






In the last couple years I have been tested in the area of forgiveness.   Tested to the core.


True forgiveness costs the giver everything, but the reward of that obedience is worth so much more.  I have seen that lived out by a dear friend in a magnificent way over the last couple years. 


Still, it is a struggle for me.  
 Forgiveness is not divine amnesia.   The injustice remains unjust.  The victim is still victimized.  The lies are still lies.  The slander is still echoing.  The smoke of deception  is still billowing.   The ripple effects of  sin are still devastating.  
Nothing has changed. 
but...
everything has changed.   
"The damage is done, the scars still remain
But I gained wisdom and strength
So I declare the victory is won"

The victory is won because the victory is His.  He WILL be glorified despite the mockery of his grace.   He is already being glorified despite and because of it.

Forgiveness is releasing the hurt, the offense, and the wound to the only One to knows exactly what grace truly costs. 


Offense, unforgiveness, and bitterness are traps  that lure and entice but  they are a trap carefully set for us by the enemy.
They become a cancer that spreads through the mind, body and spirit.  
 I choose life.  Life to the full.  I choose freedom, 
even when my pride, my knowledge, my agony  for those I love, and  my sense of justice cry out  for vindication. 
 I realize that the "my" in this sentence is misplaced.   
What God is doing has very little to do with me...
 other than teaching me how to forgive when faced with the most disturbing reality.
   
For years  have prayed to know the heart of Jesus more clearly.  This is  his heart.  


"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."


Would I die for people who hate me?
While we were still God haters, He died for us.
  It's hard enough to die to my own pride never mind actually die physically for someone who despises me  or lies about me.  


Forgiveness is costly. Especially while you are still being hurt and rejected.   Bitterness is easy.


I can show respect.   I can choose to bless those who curse me.    I can love only through the grace of Christ living in me.
Forgiveness does not mean that it doesn't matter.  Forgiveness does not mean that it doesn't hurt.  Forgiveness does not mean a complete absence of consequences and boundaries.  Forgiveness does not mean that destroying people,  betraying trust,  hurting children, or tearing apart families is ok.    It's not.  
God knows how wrong it is.
No matter how seemingly small or how blatantly horrific....our sin matters so much that it put Jesus on the cross to carry the weight of it.  
Grace understands the full extent of the violation, looks it in the eye, and offers forgiveness that isn't earned or deserved.


Our forgiveness of someone does not require an apology or repentance from the offender.  It would bring further restoration and healing but sometimes that never comes.  Sometimes they continue to deceive right to the end of their phony life, or speak slander on their deathbed.    We can't wait for an apology to be obedient to God's command to forgive.  He not only commands us to do it, but he does it himself. 


Can I forgive even without an honest resolution, without witnessing repentance, or without an end to the mess in sight? 
Not without Christ I can't.    Not if don't daily seek him, focus on Him, release it to him, and learn to love others through Him.    
So often I slip and am tempted to bitterness.
Then I am humbled again by my own unforgiveness and again I seek the grace of my Father.


Until we are faced with  injustice, rejection,  and betrayal ourselves it is easy to simplify the forgiveness God offers us.
It is easy to forget the enormous cost at which it was made ours.
Only in Him are we made good.  Our God does not overlook, close his eyes, or pretend we are good when we are all wrong.
Only through the cross of Christ the unholy is made holy.  


When it comes to forgiving someone who has hurt you  (or hurt people you love) praying is key.   If the person or people are still alive praying unselfishly for the person who is the object of your offense or the source of your wound is essential.   It is so hard.  I don't say that without struggling through this on many occasions myself.  Sometimes even the name of the person gets caught in your  throat as you work through your own emotions and hurt.   God will meet you there.   Little by little as you pray for, intercede for, and pray blessings on that person your heart will begin to change....even when that person does not.  You will begin to see that person through God's eyes instead of the eyes of your own hurt. 

After all, we do not battle against flesh and blood.  When we pray we engage as warriors in a battle that cannot be fought in the flesh.  That is where the battle is won.  That is where we already have the victory.  That is where the sinners chains are loosened,  the blind folds are removed and broken hearts are mended.  I am learning so much more about prayer and fasting this year.


God is working even when we don't see it.  I am learning to trust in a new way. I can trust him with the "wrongness" and the injustice as I learn to humble myself, pray, and forgive. 


Nothing we do or don't do, acknowledge or refuse to acknowledge, forgive or refuse to forgive will be taken to the grave with you.  Our choices live on past us.   The hurt that is caused can ripple on for generations  OR it can be given over to our healer, our savior and used for his glory for generations to come.   

Sisters

I love my girls!

I love how much they love each other.

Watching their unique bond develop makes me smile. 

They absolutely ADORE each other.  Aili is a little mother ( a perkier, sillier version of the big mom) and such a diligent set of extra hands.  I used to joke that I needed two of me in order to get everything done in a day. I may have gotten my wish.  Some days that resemblance is a little disturbing.  She is definitely her own person but I am very much enjoying this stage of our relationship. 

I am so proud of both my girls.

One is my loyal helper and mini-me.   The other keeps us all entertained  with her efforts to be like one of the big kids.  

I didn't know what to expect with their relationship at this point with a 9 year age difference.  Aili isn't usually a baby crazy girl....unlike her mama at that age.  She rarely ever played with baby dolls. She didn't show a whole lot of interest in the useless, squawking newborns, or the barfing drooling infants.   As Cece began to interact more she captured her big sisters attention and heart.  They are inseparable and spend every waking hour together. 

Aili pointed out to me today that when Cece is her age Aili will be 18.  

wow

Our family has changed so much in the last decade.

Thinking about what our family will look like in another 9 years makes me want to laugh, throw up,  and cry at the same time.

Aili will be off on life's adventures somewhere.

Silas will be charging through adolescence.

Cece will be my 9 year old big girl helper.

Roman will be getting his drivers licence.  (if I let him)  YIKES!

Actually beyond those visions I have no idea what our family will look like in 9 years. 

It is fun to think about but it makes me want to treasure this short season all the more.

After all it really doesn't feel that long ago that I was Aili's age doting on my own baby brother.  

crazy!

Time goes by so fast ...and in reality none of us are promised tomorrow. 

So I will cherish this moment.

Even if this short season includes a LOT of laundry and a lot of dishes.

4 kids makes for a lot of work but there are also 8 extra little hands to help.

 ( the tiny chubby ones are still in training)

Not only does Miss Cece idolize her big sister but adores everything about her Daddy...especially his accessories.

"Dad" and "hat" are still her only two words.  No "mama" yet.  Not for lack of coaxing on my part.

Undaunted

un·daunt·ed/ˌənˈdôntid/

Adjective: Not intimidated or discouraged by difficulty, danger, or disappointment. 

"It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator - 
the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen;
the next step in your duty...
  It takes far more of the grace of God, far more conscious drawing upon God to take that step, than it does to preach the  Gospel."

"Every Christian has to partake of what was the essence of the Incarnation, he must bring the thing down into flesh and blood actualities and work it out through the finger tips.  "

"We flag when there is no vision, no uplift, but just the common round, the trivial task.  

The thing that tells in the long run for God and for men is the steady persevering work in the unseen, and the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God.  "

"Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you. "


"Drudgery is one of the finest touchstones of character there is.  Drudgery is work that is very far removed from anything to do with ideal- the utterly mean grubby things; and when we come in contact with them we know instantly whether or not we are spiritually real.  


"Undaunted radiance is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can alter"
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Craving Spring

This is what my house looks like most of the time.

I forgot how much mess a toddler makes.  All the big obnoxious toddler toys have been pulled out of storage in an attempt to keep little miss destruction happily entertained.

  We have baby toys, toddler toys, big kid toys, school books, craft stuff, Barbies,  and legos strewn about various locations in our home.  The trick lately is to keep the big kid little toys out of the mouth of our human vacuum.   I've actually seen Miss Cece crawl along the floor slowing down only slightly in order to lick a tasty morsel  up off of the floor.  She's such an efficient floor cleaner she barely even breaks stride.

Only a few months ago I ALWAYS had things tidied up by bed time.  Everyone is expected to clean up their mess.  Unfortunately the biggest mess maker is incapable of tidying up. 

Lately I have actually resorted to kicking a path through the toys on my way to bed.

Justifying that they'll all be out again first thing in the morning anyway.

Because a mom can only survive this sort of mess and noise for so long...

play time moves outside at some point. 

It's still cold.  Really cold.

As you can see we are many weeks,  a lot of puddles and a yard full of mud away from spring tulips.

Oh, green grass how I miss you.

 The snow is beautiful  in it's own way but after several months my eyes crave color. 

My lungs crave fresh air that doesn't make tiny icicles in my nostrils.  

My cracked skin craves humidity.

My mind craves children who play outside for more than 20 minutes at a time.

 Irony.

This is the trailer that we were living in all last winter.

Parked in the Mexican sun.

The trailer that we park at a lake and make summer memories in.

Got hot chocolate? 

In hind sight

I'm reminiscing and thanking God for all that we experienced while we were in Baja last winter. I think  it has taken time to fully appreciate what we had the privilege to be a part of. Now that we have been home nearly a year  it has really sunk in how much we  were blessed as a family.  It was so easy to take it for granted while we were in the middle of all our daily routines and work.  

A year ago today our kids clothes were faded and worn from months of use and hanging to dry in the desert sun.

Spring was making it's subtle appearance with new leaves and orange blossoms.

The weather warmed and our fleece sweaters were stored away under the bed in our trailer. 

My children's hair was sun bleached white and their cheeks were a permanent shade of pink.

We knew our time was coming to an end and we were making the most of every day.

We attended the annual "tea party"when all the little girls at the orphanage dressed up for a very special afternoon.  They were each treated like princesses and served tea and sweets  in a fairy tale setting.

We said a lot of goodbyes...and see you soon's to children and friends who mean so much to us.

I'm so thankful and humbled by what God did in us during that short time.

The impact we made there was so small in comparison. 

My children learned to see the beauty diversity.   They learned to see past a disability and see the person. 

They learned to be comfortable with those differences. 

They learned how to make friends even though they barely spoke the language and they were very visibly different than their peers.  

 They have empathy for others who struggle with English or come from a different culture.
They know how it feels.
They don't take things like a house, a bed, or a full belly for granted.

They have had close friends who had none of those.

We pulled our kids out of school and drove them across two borders into a country considered "unsafe".  We neglected to sign them up for sports teams and music lessons.   We removed them from everything familiar, safe and comfortable.   

At a very impressionable age no less.

The impression left by that recklessness has been great.

Letting them experience a world that includes children who sleep in dirt and babies left in garbage dumps,

allowing them to struggle, to give, to work, to see for themselves what a big God we serve

changed them.

It changed the people they will become.

We learned that God can take whatever we have to offer and use it in His work and for His glory.

I learned that what we think we have to offer may not be what he wants from us. 

I learned some lessons the hard way.

I was humbled and challenged.

We discovered first hand how faithful God is.  

We stepped out in faith, took a risk, and he was with us every step of the way.

We had the privilege of serving and loving alongside others who spend their lives for something bigger than themselves.

We were inspired and humbled by the passion, faith, and tenacity of our Mexican brothers and sisters.

We discovered that even a small investment of love into someone else's life may have eternal impact.

Only God can turn something that seems so insignificant at the time  into something worthy of his name.

He showed me that family ,at it's best, extends beyond the walls of my house and beyond my own blood line.

Is it any wonder I feel like I'm living with half our heart somewhere else?
I don't want to live in the past or feel discontent with where we are in the present.  What I do want to do is  thank God for it, learn from it, and use it to inspire our future.
What does God have for our family next?
I have no idea.
Right now we are trudging through the world of foster adoption and loving every minute of our newest little treasure.
We know that God's work in us and through us is always changing, always new,
and usually what we don't expect.

when you're stuck inside

When you're stuck inside and every one is going bonkers,

it helps to shake things up a bit.

Sometimes.

Sometimes you just have to maintain a shred of sanity and pray that the cold snap starts to warm up and the kids can play outside.  

By cold snap I'm not talking about a Pacific Northwest "artic blast" of gently falling wet snow flakes, cancelled school, and all the kids grabbing sleds.  

 I'm referring to wind chill temperatures of -50 degrees Celsius,  exposed skin freezing in under 10 minutes.

Most of my readers will likely have no reference point to understand that kind of cold.

Ask the person sitting next to you to slap you on the face.

That is the air when you walk outside your  door.

Admittedly I am a wimp.

Our car won't start unless it has a block heater that has been plugged in with a stiff frozen extension cord.

Then it needs to run for 15 minutes before  we attempt to drive it. 

In the time it takes to maneuver multiple children into a vehicle frost bite has set in and I wonder why we ever left the house.   

(Although the walls of the house are closing in on me staying home starts to seem like a better option)

The roads are covered in snow.  The highway is slick and drifting.

The car heater has a hard time keeping up.

Another reason we've become hermits is that the price of gas is ridiculous right now ...and the closest town is 40 km away.  It's up to $1.30 / liter (for my American friends there is 4 liters in a gallon).  

In an attempt to add some excitement to our week we decided to "go camping".

I am realizing more and more that we are family that thrives on some sort of  adventure, a little danger and  sense of purpose.  

Roman being the most extreme example among us.   Although I now see how we are all wired that way to an extent.

We are passionate, slightly impulsive, big dream kind of people....stuck camping in a basement.

At the same time we are a family that does enjoy a lot of at home, chilled out family time. It's a balance that is slightly tipped to the extreme right now. 

The following are a few quotes that make me laugh from the "How to train your dragon" movie.

 "You, sir, are playing a dangerous game! Keeping this much raw viking-ness contained! There will be consequences! "  (we've got a house full of raw-viking-ness about to burst)

Ever wonder what Saskatchewan is like?

 

"It snows nine months out of the year, and hails the other three. What little food grows here

 is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here, even more so. "

Where on Earth is Saskachewan anyway?!

"It's twelve days north of Hopeless and a few degrees south of Freezing to Death. It's located solidly on the Meridian of Misery. My village.....Most people would leave, but not us. We're Vikings. We have stubbornness issues."

In all fairness, if you overlook the mosquito hoards in the summer and the Artic misery in the winter it is a wonderful place to work and raise a family.  Honestly.  Seriously, the economy here is booming and the people aren't totally tasteless....

We set up tents in our living rooms to entertain our children.

At least there's always family game time to look forward too.

The time when Daddy takes over and mom (the non-gamer of the family) does dinner dishes.

UPDATE:    I am pleased to announce that today  is a gorgeous sunny, down right balmy day.  

 The eaves of the house are dripping with melting snow as the temperature soars  to -5 degrees Celcius. 

To add to my excitement I actually wore make up and left my house! 

A trip to town, church and Walmart all in one morning! (we pack it all in to one trip). 

We attended a wonderfully refreshing worship service and came home to kick the kids outside to play.

Life is good.

I'm holding a giant mug of coffee.  

It doesn't take much to convince me we might survive until spring.  

We just need to survive next weeks cold blustery forecast.

Just because

Posting this 

just because this girl puts a smile on my face all day long.

Laughing at her is one of my favorite hobbies.

Big sister has become quite the little baker.

Although we are still sorting out the whole tsp. vs. tbsp thing.

Details.

She'd prefer to exercise creative freedom.  

A little of this a little extra of that.

Silas just likes the butter and sugar.

Disdains real food but could eat margarine by the spoonful.  

The only thing more frightening than children taking over the kitchen is

 computer hijackers with horrible spelling and grammar that

 threaten to "break your life."

...or just my computer.  Which may or may not be my life.

In other news.

We are still in the grip of  winter.

sigh.

Fortunately my boy is proficient at bringing in firewood, building a fire each morning and keeping it going all day.

I hate being cold.   I am hibernating next to the fireplace until further notice.

When it's safe to leave my house again I'm moving to a tropical island.  

Out of desperation, and because the mail hadn't been picked up all week, I sent Roman on a journey across town to retrieve it  in -30 degree weather.  

He loves it when I give him big kid responsibilities.

School work on the other hand...not so in love with.

It's Friday tomorrow.  

It's been a long week.  Since my last honest bad attitude post I decided I needed to stop wallowing on the computer and get some stuff done.

I have been supermom this week.  Being a supermom makes me tired. 

 Tired but happy I put in the effort.
I even caught up on correcting school work.  I sat with Aili each evening (once the other kids were in bed) going over and helping to correct every math mistake.
Now that is love.
Or a really annoying mom.
Oh well, I'm sure I made up for it with the homemade pizza and popcorn we had for supper.

My new goal is to spend quality one on one time with each of my 4 kids everyday.
That sounds kind of pathetic. Being surrounded by them all day doesn't necessarily mean I'm taking the time to enjoy  intentional moments of sweetness with them.
Getting one of them alone for something other than a phonics lesson takes effort.

We didn't do a "break" this week.

I'm saving time off of school work for when the weather is nice enough to enjoy it.

For now we are hunkered down plugging away in hopes of getting through our curriculum by June.

I think we may need a "Friday fun day" tomorrow.

Silas has been begging to go camping....

We might just have to do that.