Going backwards

Sometimes when you're a mom...
one of your kids completely baffles you (or all of them do in completely different ways).  
You can feel him retreating, resisting, and disconnecting.  

Nothing is working.

You pray, fast, and ask God for wisdom.

Sometimes the answer is humbling.  Sometimes the answer isn't at all what you expected but you are thankful 
and hopeful that the breach can be repaired.

Sometimes when you're a mom,  you are sad to realize how insecure one of your children truly is.  You realize how fearful he is of being "sent away" like the others.   You are shocked to discover how confused he is about how he came to be part of his family and how long he will be staying.  Too young to express or understand his fear, he acts it out and hides it behind whatever control he can find.

You want to scream  and pull out your hair because this child does everything he can to keep you at an angry distance.  You realize just how thick his walls mistrust have become.

Sometimes when you're a mom you realize that you need to go backwards for a little while in order to move forward.

My sweet baby boy, 
you can be my baby again as long as you need to be.
I will give you the assurance, the affection, the attention now that I am realizing you so desperately need but are so good at convincing us that you don't want.  
God gave us you.
You came from me and will always be mine.
You are forever loved.

Sometimes when you're a mom
you realize just how high the stakes are, and how easily a problem can be overlooked while it takes root and grows.
You hope that with God's wisdom, grace and provision you won't screw it up completely.  


Jobina said...

oh, so true! Hugs and snuggles and reassurance goes SO far with kids!

carrie church said...

once again Carla your words, your honesty, your thoughts on motherhood render me nearly speechless and in tears as you share from your heart....thank you for saying the words so few do....

Sophie said...

Being a mom is one of the most beautifully challenging jobs in the world. Some children require so much more of us, and it's always hard to find that balance, I have one just like that who happens to be turning 19 this month. I will pray for you Carla that God gives you the energy and grace to mother this beautiful little boy.

Sophie said...

Also Carla,
Don't hesitate to get help if needed. My husband and I found it to be a blessing to be able to talk about what was happening and find different strategies to help our son along.

Wife to the Rockstar said...


Anonymous said...

This is exactly where we are with our 6 year old, and it has taken us too long to realize what is going on. Thank you for your honesty. He makes ALL things work together for our good!