Going backwards

Sometimes when you're a mom...

one of your kids completely baffles you (or all of them do in completely different ways).  

You can feel him retreating, resisting, and disconnecting.  

Nothing is working.

You pray, fast, and ask God for wisdom.

Sometimes the answer is humbling.  Sometimes the answer isn't at all what you expected but you are thankful 

and hopeful that the breach can be repaired.

Sometimes when you're a mom,  you are sad to realize how insecure one of your children truly is.  You realize how fearful he is of being "sent away" like the others.   You are shocked to discover how confused he is about how he came to be part of his family and how long he will be staying.  Too young to express or understand his fear, he acts it out and hides it behind whatever control he can find.

You want to scream  and pull out your hair because this child does everything he can to keep you at an angry distance.  You realize just how thick his walls mistrust have become.

Sometimes when you're a mom you realize that you need to go backwards for a little while in order to move forward.

My sweet baby boy, 

you can be my baby again as long as you need to be.

I will give you the assurance, the affection, the attention now that I am realizing you so desperately need but are so good at convincing us that you don't want.  

God gave us you.

You came from me and will always be mine.

You are forever loved.

Sometimes when you're a mom

you realize just how high the stakes are, and how easily a problem can be overlooked while it takes root and grows.

You hope that with God's wisdom, grace and provision you won't screw it up completely.