1/8/13

Fear





The count down has officially begun.   In two weeks we will be on the road, dropping off kids, and then flying out.

Only a couple weeks until I will hold my sweet boy in my arms.  He will be our son for always.

The last few days I've been swinging between nagging fear and giddy excitement.  My fears have mostly consisted of all the "what ifs" , feeling inadequate, and pondering all the things that could go wrong.  It's been pretty ugly actually.   I needed a good Holy Spirit smack upside the head.  Seriously.   I'm not a worrier or prone to anxiety but I was kind of derailed for a couple days.
"What if I lose all the documents?"  "What if I can't handle another child?"  "What if he hates me?"   "What if all my kids hate me?" "What if I end up hating everyone?"  "What if I ruin my family?".....I told you it was getting ugly.

I have read enough about the realities of older child adoptions to know that this will be no cake walk.  It will be a challenge.  I know nothing about raising a child with significant disabilities...especially one that comes as a 6 year old.

So there you have it.  Fear.  Paralyzing.  Crippling.  Shaking in my marching boots, even as I keep walking forward.

Thankfully, after much prayer, and preaching the gospel to myself, and allowing some truths to sink in....I got that Holy Spirit smack down I needed.  So thankful for God's grace, and invitation to repent of trying to take back the reigns.

I feel much more at peace....and very super excited to go and meet my son.  I CANNOT WAIT!

I know this trip, and every day after, is not going to be all sunshine and cupcakes.

There will be beauty in witnessing a life being restored and amazing blessings in our own life...but I know that what the Lord calls us to is never easy, never without sacrifice...but in that struggle is joy.   A joy and peace that comes with being completely dependent on God's mercies and sustenance.
 I know that I am weak.   I have no doubts that this will be "more than I can handle".
BUT  I know the One who is strong. This is his work because this is his little boy.

Where we so painfully lack, God will be filling in the cracks with his grace and sufficiency.


As we work through our "to-do" lists of preparation and packing I have a few specifics that you can join in prayer with us for, if you desire to.

- That God would continue to prepare Elijah's heart for the big change (=trauma) that lies ahead for him.  I hurt just to think of how hard it will be for him to be uprooted again.  He has bonded well with his most recent foster parents, and although that is a very good sign, there will be grief involved.  Poor guy has had too many moves already.

-  Leaving our kids for two weeks is really hard.  We've never left them for that long before.  We are very happy with the arrangements we have for them and know without a doubt they'll be well cared for...but it will still be hard for them and us I suspect.

- We are waiting on a final document from China.  It sounds crazy but actually a good number of our agency's Jan. travel group is also waiting on the same final travel document....so I guess it's not that unusual. Our agency has our tickets booked and everything.  I will just breath a LOT easier when I have that "TA" in my hands. I'm trying not to freak out.  We have our final approval but this is the travel invitation from China that we must take to exchange for our son.  No TA no child. Kind of a big deal.

- That all the little final details would come together without massive stress (melt downs, bleeding ulcers, psychotic episodes etc).  Peace...I need to keep peace, and rest in God's faithfulness.

- Health for our family.  We are on the home stretch, sprinting into the finish of this process...and a house full of sickies would really suck.

- Our marriage.  All that lies ahead is going to be taxing for us, and this month hasn't been our strongest in the marriage area.



This whole process has been a series of crazy miracles, and unlikely circumstances.  It has been a struggle and it has been an amazing victory.  It has been a battle grounded in fervent prayer....and we really need prayers to continue on our behalf.   The battle for this little boy is far from over.

We are trusting that in just a couple weeks we will be on our way!  I can hardly believe that we're at this point.  After so much dreaming and waiting....we get to go and bring him home.

We're coming little man.   You are so very very loved already.



6 comments:

sandi said...

it may not be sunshine and cupcakes, but I bet there WILL be doves and potpourri... having been there myself, I really remember doves... LOL ;)
You will be FINE!!!!

Sherri Davidson said...

What a wonderful heartfelt post and one that I am feeling very similar to right now. In fact one I have scheduled for next week. I know God has such amazing plans for you and your family. I look forward to the time when we can finally meet face to face.
I am cheering for you and counting down with you until you can hold that sweet adorable boy in your arms finally and forever.

Phil and Debbie Douce said...

Love your posts - transparent, genuine and like the Psalms, pours out real-life emotion and lands on TRUTH. God is in you. He is before and behind you. He is ahead and waiting to show His glory.

Jenn said...

Thank you for your honesty in sharing. Praying for you all in the coming weeks & months!

Hannah said...

I nominated you for an award. :) Go check out my blog.

http://mommyofsadiemae.blogspot.com/2013/01/liebster-award-take-2.html

Laura said...

I love your transparency and so many times I've been blessed by what you have shared. I will pray for you family in this extremely exciting and overwhelming time.

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