Quiet Down

This is what happens after a bunch of really late nights and busy days.  A little boy who never naps, konks out in the middle of a busy noisy house.  

My little baldy.  The summer buzz cut had a little mishap and well...he's now mostly hairless.  Oh well, it'll grow.  Hard to believe this is the same shaggy little boy who had hair down to his shoulders for about 4 years of his life.  He was my only bald baby though, so his bare little head doesn't seem all that unfamiliar. 
Such a little boy...dirty feet, camo pants and a Darth Vader shirt.

On the adoption front, not much to update or movement forward on either one.  In fact, with our China adoption we find ourselves going backwards and having to re-do some of our Dossier.  Not a major hurdle like some others ...just a set back...another delay.  I realize these sorts of things are all just part of the battle.  I knew the process would be difficult but I don't think I realized how much utter resolve,  dependence, and endurance it would require.  This latest set back feels like running a marathon only to find out the the mile markers were switched and you are actually a few miles behind where you thought you were...a bit demoralizing.  

 I find myself taking a deep breath as I go on with my days,  I suppose trying my best to exhale the growing impatience, helplessness, and frustration I feel.  I send my heart cries up to my Father and give my aching and longing over to the one who sees, and knows, and rules over it all.  I release it over...and over...and over again.  

Each step will be in His timing and not my own.   It may feel like I'm wandering through an endless wasteland but I believe that none of it will be wasted.  Each trial along the way will refine and prune.  

The last couple days have been crazy blustery, fiercely windy and the spring storms are rolling through.  I feel a bit like the chaos outside my windows, and the chaos inside my noisy busy house threatens to spill over into my spirit.  A tornado of fear starting to spin, clouds of discouragement rolling in,  the winds of doubt starting to whip and bend my faith like the firmly rooted trees being pushed toward the ground.  

However I know that these are but "light and momentary afflictions".  I will persevere, and bend, and fight, and dig my roots that much deeper still.  I will trust that the One who began this work in us will see it through to completion. 

I call out to the one who calms the storms...
and He speaks "Peace be still" once again into my soul. 

After SO much provision, and seeing his faithfulness time and time again you would think I'd have an easier time remembering...but my flesh is so weak.

Yesterday I prayed 
"Please show me your mercy today Father, I need to see it...
I'm fighting to keep my eyes off of the waves as I walk across this water, my faith is so weak that in a matter of hours I can start to doubt, and fall, and sink.   I want to keep my eyes on the face of my Savior but I'm slipping, the water is rising, and I fear I might drown!....grab me by the hand and be my strength in this weakness.  Be my peace.  Be my faith where I am so lacking."

...and He is.  Over and over again.

In all my 34 years living here on the Canadian prairie I don't remember ever seeing a "flock" of Monarch butterflies.  I don't think I've ever even seen one.   I don't know if the crazy wind blew them in from their migration route or what, but my lilac bushes were covered in them yesterday evening as the wind turned to complete stillness.

I could hardly believe my eyes.  They were so big...and exquisite and graceful.

I grabbed my camera and then sat outside and watched them.  A quiet moment of beauty in the middle of a storm.

The One who designs the intricate beauty of the Monarch wings, and creates the scent of lilacs, for no other reason than to show us His glory and to lavish us with his love has not forgotten the child in a far away land locked behind the bars of a crib.  He has not forgotten the abandoned little girl living in my home as my daughter, but still not mine.  He is knitting all our lives together with intricate beauty.   He hasn't forgotten the ache in this mommy's heart. 
 Love costs, and forces us to lay on the altar the deepest parts of ourselves.  Maybe that's what makes it so beautiful.  Pain and joy all woven together each making the other more vivid.  

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? ”And I said,  “Here am I. Send me!”

"For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:17


Valen and Carol said...

Here's a website for your trekkie;

Kam said...

Hold fast, Carla. The Lord is sovereign and though we know that He is in control, sometimes our faith takes a hit when things don't happen as we feel they should. But He can take it...He can take your disappointment and your struggle. His plan is firmly in place. I pray rest for you tonight!

Marcy P said...

Achingly beautiful post, Carla! I didn't even notice the dirty feet until you said it. I must be used to seeing them myself. :-)

I am starting to feel the same sort of feelings (just the stirrings) mount as we climb on this adoption rollercoaster again. Praying for your heart tonight.

Beautiful pictures of the butterflies on the lilacs. Stunning. God's amazing creation!

Chris said...

Yes, the pain of waiting is so real. And each adoption, it never gets any easier-and delays, they just seem to be there to try to weaken us-but we need to be strengthened-it is hard, I know it-but take courage, the paperwork on both sides of the ocean will get done in due season!
Thinking of you and praying for a fresh outpouring of His grace and peace on you and yours.