but at the moment I'm tired of waiting for it.
I'm tired of feeling like I should introduce her as our "foster daughter", when in every practical and emotional sense she is our daughter. We have committed to her and will love her until the day we die. We are the only parents she has ever known but still she is not actually ours.
As I spent hours today rocking my sick baby and stroking her soft hair away from her fevered forehead I wondered when Social Services would stop making me a liar. She calls me momma. I call her my precious baby. I tell her how much she is adored. She is absolutely secure in that love. Not a doubt in her mind. Not a fear in her heart. I never want to betray that confidence.
I wish this process would speed up and we could stop being fakers...because we're not faking. She is our daughter. I just wish I could introduce her to you as our daughter, and not feel like I'm being slightly untruthful.
At least we have had her with us for the last 19 months while we wait. For that I am grateful.
In this moment of weakness I am tired of waiting. I am not patient. I want it on paper. I want to go to court and put on paper what is in our hearts...and then I want to do it all over again.