It Seems So far Away

For the most part I don't think about it.   I don't obsess or fret or worry about it
but at the moment I'm tired of waiting for it.
I'm tired of feeling like I should introduce her as our "foster daughter", when in every practical and emotional sense she is our daughter.   We have committed to her and will love her until the day we die.  We are the only parents she has ever known but still she is not actually ours.

As I spent hours today rocking my sick baby and stroking her soft hair away from her fevered forehead I wondered when Social Services would stop making me a liar.   She calls me momma.   I call her my precious baby.  I tell her how much she is adored.  She is absolutely secure in that love.  Not a doubt in her mind.  Not a fear in her heart.  I never want to betray that confidence.

I  wish this process would speed up and we could stop being fakers...because we're not faking.  She is our daughter.   I just wish I could introduce her to you as our daughter, and not feel like I'm being slightly untruthful.

She will be adopted by someone.  We have applied to adopt her.  We just have no idea how long the paper trail waiting game will last.

At least we have had her with us for the last 19 months while we wait.   For that I am grateful.
In this moment of weakness I am tired of waiting.  I am not patient.   I want it on paper.  I want to go to court and put on paper what is in our hearts...and then I want to do it all over again.


Hannah Banana said...

Amen! We're still waiting as well. Although, except for her paperwork at the doctor, I DO introduce her as my daughter.

And I tell DSS. I show them our family pictures. And tell them all about her "sissy."

She calls me mommy as well.

And I love it!

Marcy said...

You made me cry! I get it. It seemed like forever with N too. It was two years before he was "officially" our son. Before then it was so hard. It actually took a while before I really felt like he was forever ours, that the system wasn't involved in our lives anymore, that we didn't have that little bit of fear of loss lurking in our hearts. I pray the day comes swiftly when she is truly and completely yours. I know that even to get permission for trips and all those loopholes (like medical permission)just seem so wrong when she feels so right. She IS family, she IS yours.

We Are Family said...

I want that for your family too!

Laura said...

I'm convinced that God has given you incredible strength, I couldn't imagine being in your situation, just waiting and waiting to finally call her your own and have it be true. I think I'd be a mess emotionally.