3/14/10

Processing

My mind is full of scattered thoughts and my heart is full of feelings I can't make sense of. I am so conflicted about going home. In some ways I am looking forward to resuming my "normal" life but in a lot of ways it will be very hard to leave our life here. There will be a lot of goodbyes. We have 6 days left so maybe its a little early to be worried about missing people but I know those days will go by really fast. Thinking about gives me a little mini panic attack.

Life is so different there than it is here. I wonder what it will be like to go back to "normal". Will it feel like we never left or will it all feel very foreign. Like clothes that used to fit perfectly and when tried on again later ,just don't feel right at all. Is our other life going to fit us after our experiences here? I don't have a clue.

We spent a few hours visiting our kids up on the hill in Santa Fe. The kids who call me "Tia". I met the five new cousins (and the Aunt and Uncle) who recently moved into the shack/ hovel they moved out of. Ten kids all together basically living in the new little house...with a couple more babies on the way.
I didn't take my camera because I try to be careful not to appear that I am there for a photo shoot. I think that its important to be aware of the reality of peoples lives, but I don't think my pictures would ever really capture it . I also don't want to sensationalize ,or even worse, appear rude or arrogant when I am visiting someones home. I would be offended if someone came into my house and started taking pictures of parts of my house that aren't the nicest. The duct tape on my kitchen counter, cracks in the ceiling , or the grime in my laundry room. I assume they would also feel uncomfortable if I went around their home taking close ups of their horrendous living conditions.

I clicked a couple of mental snap shots today. Some heart warming, some heart breaking.
The sun setting on 11 children as they run up and down a dusty little road together jabbering in Triqui, Spanish and English.
Silas reaching over to hold little Ramiro's hand while four little ones walk down a hill with the ocean as their backdrop.
A pregnant mother painstakingly combing her little girls matted hair.
That same mother casually pulling lice out of her 3 year old daughters hair, biting them and spitting them onto the dirt.
Carmela's beautiful smile.
Carmela's heartbreaking tears.
Little bare feet with sores on them.
Alvaro running to a nearby tiendita to bring Nathanael and I each a bottle of orange soda.
My mental snap shots include skinny dogs, fences made of old tires and twigs, roaming roosters, dust, dirt, woodsmoke and filth.

I spent a lot of our time snuggling and talking to little Carmela. That girl has wrapped herself around her "Tia's" heart. She told me that I was her Tia (auntie) forever even when I go back to Canada. I assured her I would be for "siempre". Someday I will come back and I will come and find her for a hug. Her reaction to that assurance about broke my heart.
It's going to be hard to say goodbye to these kids. I miss them already and I was just there this afternoon.
I am SO excited for the princess "Tea Party" at the Children's Home on Friday!! It will be so fun to see Minerva and Carmela all dolled up for their first party. It will be an amazing way to celebrate our winter together and to say goodbye.

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