Goodbye ...again.

Yesterday was a rough day. Started out with grumpy kids and a frustrated mommy. One of those mornings.

It ended with an abrupt phone call from "Cubs" case worker resquesting I bring him in today.
Since we have family coming out today to spend the weekend with us I told them I couldn't come until Monday.
Like I needed an excuse.
I worked on his baby scrap book all yesterday evening and got it finished. I feel good about how it turned out. Now I wish I could keep a copy for myself. I might have to photograph some of the pages.
I don't know if the foster family that he is going to live with will keep up with it or not but the first chapter of his life has been recorded in loving detail.

We brought him home at 4 days old...he will leave our home a day before his 2 month birthday.
We are considered short term emergency.
I think I would be better suited to long term/forever.

This is SO hard.

I wasn't expecting it to happen like this....this suddenly.
Although it has happened like this most every time.
A cold abrupt phone call interrupting my peaceful life.

We will be moving to Mexico in 2 months so we really can't demand that he stay longer. We don't have a leg to stand on.
The transition will only be harder for us and for him a month or two from now.
As much as I would like to keep him, he's not mine.
I'd take him with us if I could , but from what I know of the law....running for the Mexican border with a baby wouldn't be considered a noble thing. (I have only briefly pictured this bizzare scenario in my head...usually involving my mugshot on the evening news).

I have enjoyed being a mommy to him though.
He feels like my own....but he's not.

Its funny how a year ago I wondered if we ever adopted how it would feel to have a baby that didn't look like "my" babies.
You know how your biological kids all have "that look".
My babies all look like Burlando babies.

Well ,with each new baby I foster....the Burlando baby "look" changes.
My babies now have fluffy black hair that stands straight up and big brown eyes.
Every time I see a raven haired baby he will look like one of mine.

3 more days.

How do you count down the days until your baby leaves and you pack up the baby stuff and put it away? Its not like when my kids moved onto new stages and didn't need the cradle or the swing anymore...even then there was a sense of sadness. It will be cold turkey. Here one day and gone the next. It will be strangly like he was never here.

What kind of a crazy person sets themselves up for this?!

There is a lot of grief involved right now but its so strange and unusual....he's not dying. I will just never see him again.

I will miss him.

I guess its comforting to know he won't be looking for me for very long. His memory will be short lived. I wish my own was. Right now he adores his mama and definitely has a preference for me. That's a healthy bond but I feel like a traitor. I feel like I'm abandoning him.
He's had a good two months. Tons of snuggles, kisses, warm baths, soothing massages, lullabyes and time spent in the rocking chair.
He's been camping 3 times and been to 5 different lakes.
He's been loved on by three adoring "siblings".
All I could do for him was give him a good start on his journey through life. I played a role in the first chapter. It will be a very short chapter and one that he won't remember though. He will have proof that ,whatever comes..someone loved him and thought he was precious once upon a time.

I know I'll get through this. I know I'll come out the other side just fine. I also know that its going to hurt and feel awful for a little while. It doesn't get easier each time like I had hoped. I think this one will be the hardest to say good bye to in fact.

This little guy will be our last for this year. I think my husband and I both are wanting to open up our home again in the future, when we are back from Mexico. I'm looking forward to being available for longer term "placements"....not that it would make it any easier to say goodbye. We will be open to whatever God brings into our lives.

Please pray for us on Monday.
It happens to be our 13th wedding anniversary that day too. Sounds romantic doesn't it?
Dinner out with a red eyed , blubbering, snotty lady. My poor husband , pray for him too. :)
Please pray for "Cub" and his long term arrangements and case plan.
They still don't have that figured out for him yet.
So much uncertainty.

I don't really know how to pray right now other than the inner cry that pleads "go with him God....take care of him when I can't".

Thankyou for keeping him in your prayers!

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Sharleen said...

I will be praying for you all. I can only imagine how hard that is going to be. You have given that little boy the best start possible. We can only pray that he gets that kind of love from the next family he goes to and that God will be watching over his precious life. What a beautiful gift of the scrapbook. No doubt that one day that will be deeply treasured.

Lynette said...

Oh Carla I can't imagine how hard it must be but you've been a wonderful mum to that little boy for two precious months and your scrapbook will be testament to that I'm sure. Will be praying for you all on Monday - hope you're able to celebrate your anniversary and 13 special years together!
lynette x

Valen and Carol said...

We will pray for him and for you. What a blessing you all have been in his short life and a good start you have given him. Don't think about giving him to another foster family, just think about giving him back to God Who loves Cub beyond anyone. Hugs to you!