The last couple days

This post will likely be a somewhat scattered compilation of the happenings of the last few days.
This "little bear" shirt is one I bought for "Cub" a few days before he left. I thought it was pretty cute...given his bloggy alias.

This past weekend my husband's twin brother and his family were out for a visit. We had a really good time with them, lots of visiting and playing. The Dads took the kids for quad rides, out to play in some nearby "forts" and gravel pits. I think they took the city cousins explore the farm a bit.
The kids all got along great, (minus the occasional sword fight gone bad). Not too bad for 6 kids under 8 years old.

Me and my girl hanging out next to the backyard campfire. Still not too big to sit on moms lap.
I'm so proud of this girl.
After years of strong wills, butting heads and irritating quirks I can honestly say I am enjoying her to pieces right now...irritating quirks and all :)
She is turning into such a lovely big girl. I feel so blessed not only to have a daughter but one as kind hearted as this one.

Making Smores!

Silas thoroughly enjoying a Smore!

Yesterday my hubby and I celebrated 13 years of marriage. I suppose I should right a post in honor of all that life we have spent together. That is a lot of living! Maybe in another post.

Yesterday we spent the day together in the City. We had to drop "Cub" off at the Social Services building at 2pm so we decided to make a day of it. We left the other three kids with Grandma and we spent the day shopping for our upcoming migration to Mexico. We enjoyed our time spent together. Even the 2 hours of driving each way made for great uninterrupted conversation time. That's something not taken for granted after a housefull of kids and 13 years of marraige.

We found some great off season clothing sales and bought a few new things for each family member. We don't do a lot of shopping and clothes shopping usually gets put at the bottom of the list. We tend to "make-do" with what we've got for as long as possible.

Looking ahead to six months worth of growing kids , wear and tear, line drying in the desert sun....it has become apparent that we need to go strategically and well stocked with clothing.
My best big sale was at the "Dawg's" store (you know those rubbery colorful shoes?)
I had a pair of sandals that I love and have worn for 2 summers but they are wearing out so I went to look at getting another pair. The first pair cost $40. I wasn't sure if I was willing to pay that much again even though they've been well used and they would be perfect for this winter.
I got to the store and the "Dawg's" shoes were $5!!!
The sandals I wanted were $12!

I outfitted our whole family in sandals and shoes for $60!!

I even bought Silas 3 pair since he is notorious for loosing his shoes and he is growing so fast.

We also started buying other various supplies that we will need while down there.

On a less cheery note.... dropping of "Cub" was really hard. I had remained emotionally numb, disassociated or something for most of the weekend and morning. As usual, the dam started to break as we drove up to the building. I did my best to hold it in with only a few tears and sniffles as we said goodbye. It took so much effort to hold in the torrent of emotion that after I left I felt so extremely drained and even nauseous for the rest of the day.

The few errands we did right after (wood stores and such) were hard. I felt like a zombie wandering around pretending to be a person.
Just existing was exhausting at that moment. At one point while standing in a woodworking store waiting for hubby I had a ridiculously strong urge to lay down on the floor and just lay there.....which I didn't actually do. I did however imagine, with amusement, the scene that would have ensued had I given into my urge to lay lifeless on a store floor.
I then envisioned myself asking the clerk if they had a corner or a hole or something I could crawl into and have a good cry...you know, something less ridiculous than laying on the floor.
Am I the only one who runs bizarre scenarios through my mind? It seems to happen quite frequently for me...like a little "Scrubs" daydream. Maybe I'm just weird that way.

After we left that store (which I refrained from making a scene in). I requested we go to the Christian book store. I LOVE it there. The smell of coffee and fresh baking, aisles and aisles of books, music ....ahhh. I spent too much money there. Call it therapeutic shopping.
We stocked up on some Christmas and birthday presents for the kids there (we are stowing them away in the trailer until Christmas in Mexico...the gifts ...not the kids) . We bought chapter books and some dvd's for them....shhh don't tell. I found a family devotional book and a parenting boys book.
I figured I could use the help right about now. I haven't read it yet but it looks REALLY good.
Wild Things, the art of nurturing boys
a practical guide to understanding the way, the mind, and the heart of a boy
by Stephen James and David Thomas
While at the store we ran into a friend of Nathanael's from Bible College days. He and his wife then joined us at a Mexican restaurant for dinner. I know it was a God thing. We needed encouragment and distraction and He provided it in His wonderfully perfect and unexpected way. Two hours of good uplifting conversation followed and a new friendship was forged.

We also bought a new cd!
"tenth Avenue North"

I'm in love with this band now!
I SO enjoy music ...at risk of sounding oddly like an eccentric artist...it speaks to me.

I do have an artist's soul....not to be confused with autistic soul :) (I'm a little sensitive about that one since as a child I couldn't say my "r"'s and I loved to draw and paint! I used to announce things like "I'm very awtistic" )
Music, images, words, dance...so many ways to express and create beauty.
Its one of the ways we were created in the image of God, the Master Artist.
When we create or appreciate created beauty we connect with that little reflection of God in us and have a greater appreciation for the Great Artist.
I put some songs of theirs on my playlist at the bottom of my blog.
I have a question for you. Does my music work?
Since I have dial up I can't always get the music working...in fact it has been quite some time since I've actually been able to hear it.
I have no idea if it is even working at all.
Let me know if it works and what you think.
Is having music too distracting?

I suppose if it is, you can always turn down the volume on your computer while you read or hit pause on the playlist.
Like I said I love music and lyrics and like to share them with others.

Today I still feel wiped out...to quote vegi tales "like pudding spread across too much ham"

My coping mechanism, my drug of choice, is sleep (well maybe nachos and a Mojito are right up there too). When faced with unpleasant emotion all I want to do is sleep. Unfortunately with three kids left at home that's not really an option.
So I'm busying myself with chores instead....I'm also trying not to stress too much about all the things that have fallen behind and that need to be done...apples need to be picked and made into jam, beans , peas, raspberries all in need of picking.
One thing at a time.
If the peas rot in the garden while I'm recovering on the computer I'm kind of ok with that right now.
I have managed so far to do many loads of laundry, bake cookies, go for a bike ride with the kids and unload all our shopping bags from the car.
Just putting one foot in front of the other.

For the most part I'm feeling "ok"...not my usually fabulous self :) , but I'm coping well and functioning. Mostly I feel a little dazed and spacey as I go about my day. Kind of just going through the motions. Every so often it catches me in my tracks and I find myself gasping for breath (literally)...that squeezing in my chest and choking feeling in my throat that reminds me that my heart is feeling sad. If I stop and think about him too much the dam bursts for a moment until I can function again. I keep coming across baby blankets, burp cloths, used bottles and all sorts of baby things. I've busied myself gathering all that kind of stuff washing and putting it away again.

Every so often I forget he's not just napping or I feel like I'm forgetting someone. Its a weird feeling.

We have no idea where Cub went or who he is with. All we know is he went to another foster home. That is the hardest part I think. Where is he? What is he doing right now? Will they take care of him?
Is he crying?
Its enough to break a mommy's heart.

Ok, here I go again......

I know God loves him even more than I do so that will have to be good enough for this mommy.

Thankyou for all of you that have kept us and little Cub in your prayers. I have felt upheld and sustained through out the last few days.
Please continue to pray for Cub as he faces a very uncertain future.

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Linda said...

Oh that must be so very hard! I pray that God will sustain you and comfort your heart. And that He will see that your little cub is loved and well taken care of.

Love and prayers,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Lynette said...

Praying peace and comfort for you and your family and God's love and protection over little cubs.
I have those bizarre imaginary scenarios too- i'm far too reserved in real life to act on them and am always grateful that nobody can see inside my head!!
Looking forward to following your trip to mexico and the exciting new chapter God is opening up in your life,
lynette x

Rebecca M said...

I'm sorry for these hard goodbyes!! And I would have been wishing for a place to hide and cry it all out too.
Praying for you!
Oh and I just checked your music thingy- it is working. It just takes a while for my computer to load it up.

Anonymous said...

The music works fine and I enjoy it, Allison adds music too and it adds a nice touch. I like your choice in music as well.