I have been thinking about something lately and since I'm experimenting with being able to post from my trailer I thought I'd follow it through to its not so logical conslusion. I've been struggling lately with who I am. Trying to figure out in the midst of feeling pretty darn useless what God can do with a person like me. I have felt very humbled these past weeks.
Its just me. No job well done to point to. No accomplishments. No big contributions to the work here. No minsitry that I can tangibly point to. Just little old me homeschooling my kids, hanging laundry, chasing a two year old and loving on a handful of others as best I can. To say I am feeling insignificant even lonely at times would be an understatment. Its been hard not to get discouraged sometimes. For the most part I am so happy here and I do know that discouragment is something we came prepared to face. It's not unexpected but it still comes.
Stress, opposition and conflict (not here in Mexico) has also had me feeling about as big as an ant ready to be crushed.
How can God use someone like me?
I talk too much.
I am shy.
I am a strange combination of the two.
I am compasionate to a fault sometimes. I cannot even stand to see a houseplant get thirsty.
I am a jump in with both feet kind of person.
When faced with stress or confrontation a person's instincts will either be to fight or flight.
I completely lack the flight instinct.
I am a big chicken when I should be brave.
I am bold when I should be meek.
I am relaxed when I should be alert.
I am stressed when I should be calm.
I sometimes speak before thinking through how my words are being recieved.
I am prone to disorganization.
I am sometimes a lazy parent and take the easy way out even though I know I will pay for it later.
To borrow a word from a blog friend, I'm down right spazzy.
How can God use someone like that? I don't know. I don't know why he would want to. I'm sure there are other people who are more tactful, orderly and less prone to goofing up than I am. As far as raw material goes I think he's got His work cut out for him .
I'm just me.
I want God to make me the best me possible. The woman that he created me to be without the pitfalls of selfishness, pride, fear, envy , insecurity, bad attitudes, self pity etc. that creep into my life when I least expect it. Maybe to weed out those things we have to be faced with them head on and see them for what they are. Sometimes it takes a ridiculous amount of conflict to bring those things out to the surface where we can actually see them and sometimes it takes stripping away all those things we selfishly hold on to and put our pride in. Both are happening simutaneously and I don't know how much more mirror looking I can stand.
I have asked God to change me, grow me up, mould me and make me more like him.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised when that process sometimes involves pain or discomfort. It's been a crazy couple years in so many aspects of life but we have seen God do amazing things in the midst of it all.
I cried to God last night that I think I've had enought pruning for this season. I don't know that I'm through yet but maybe a break would be nice. I do know that the more severly we are pruned the more fruit we have the potential to bear.
I'm just feeling a bit steeped in humility right now. I feel God working though ,draining any last bit of pride in myself out and replacing it with dependance on Him alone. That is not an all bad place to be. Wrapped in the arms of a loving God.
I feel better just writing that down. I don't know what it is about journaling this way, about sharing my heart that makes me feel less alone. Maybe because I know someone else may be able to relate.